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Should I be upset?

I just told all of my wedding party the date and time of the Rehearsal.  I gave everyone 2 months notice, so I figured it would be plenty of time to make arrangements.  My MOH didn't acknowledge my message and when I asked about it she dodged me.  We went out for drinks the other night and she tells me that she cannot make my rehearsal.  She has a doctor's appointment that day for her 9 month old at 11am and cannot make it to my rehearsal for 530pm.  I tell her I am upset by this because I was counting on her to be there.  I tell her she doesn;t even have to go to the dinner, just the rehearsal and then go home.  But she won't budge.  This is not the first time she has done something like this.  She refused to go to bridal shows with me, told me the date and place of my shower and won't go to my hair and makeup trial with me.  I know there is nothing I can do, I just needed to vent a little because it makes me sad.  I know if she asked me to do any of these things I would be there no matter what.

Re: Should I be upset?

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    [QUOTE] Its important everyone attend the rehearsal however so they know what they are supposed to do the day of. Its pretty expected just walk down, but since she is the MOH I would expect mine to be there for the practice run so she knows what to do when it counts.
    Posted by girl2bewed[/QUOTE]
    I've been telling my wedding party that it's no biggie if our rehearsal doesn't jive with their schedules, especially since we can only have an on site rehearsal on a Thursday.  Not attending rehearsal won't make a wedding invalid, nor will it ruin things.  I have only been in one wedding but I believe at least 3 people missed the rehearsal and everything went smoothly at the wedding.  Not everyone even has a rehearsal.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_should-upset?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:ff14be79-a986-49ce-8559-0358709a233bPost:19e32870-14eb-4c39-959b-24505636d119">Re: Should I be upset?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I would definately be upset if I were you. It doesn't sound like <strong>she has a valid reason for not going there other then to be a brat</strong> when she knows its important to you. Disappointing for sure, but like most of the above posts since there isn't anything you can do about it I woulnd't get too worked up over it. As far as the other events like the makeup trials and bridal shows, unfortunately not all people enjoy going to those as much as the next so its pointless to even waste time getting upset about people not showing up to that. <strong>Its important everyone attend the rehearsal however so they know what they are supposed to do the day of.</strong> Its pretty expected just walk down, but since she is the MOH I would expect mine to be there for the practice run so she knows what to do when it counts. Try talking to her again and explain that there is good info in the rehearsal she should really try to make it. She doesn't sound very reasonable.
    Posted by girl2bewed[/QUOTE]

    OMFG.  Are you asking your wedding party to skydive into the ceremony site?  In that case, yes, there is good information that one would probably need before the day of the wedding, particularly the location of the parachute release cord.

    And where do you get off saying that the only reason MOH isn't attending is because she's being a brat?!  She gave a reason.  It's unbelieveable how many people just assume that reasons = excuses.

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    edited April 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_should-upset?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:ff14be79-a986-49ce-8559-0358709a233bPost:19e32870-14eb-4c39-959b-24505636d119">Re: Should I be upset?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I would definately be upset if I were you.<strong> It doesn't sound like she has a valid reason for not going there other then to be a brat when she knows its important to you.</strong> Disappointing for sure, but like most of the above posts since there isn't anything you can do about it I woulnd't get too worked up over it. As far as the other events like the makeup trials and bridal shows, unfortunately not all people enjoy going to those as much as the next so its pointless to even waste time getting upset about people not showing up to that. <strong>Its important everyone attend the rehearsal however so they know what they are supposed to do the day of. Its pretty expected just walk down, but since she is the MOH I would expect mine to be there for the practice run so she knows what to do when it counts.</strong> Try talking to her again and explain that there is good info in the rehearsal she should really try to make it. She doesn't sound very reasonable.
    Posted by girl2bewed[/QUOTE]

    Who are you to judge if the reason given consitutes a valid one or not? Why the suspicion and jumping to the worst conclusion about OPs friend?

    You can also brief the person who couldn't attend the morning of. Weddings are not usually rocket science so it would be easy to let her know - maybe while you're having breakfast or lunch together getting ready - hey, you'll walk in last in line of the girls, stand by me and take my flowers when I get up there. At the point when the minister / rabbi / JOP gives the cue, you will hand me the ring for FI...whatever, you know? The officiant will guide the ceremony along - it won't end in disaster if she can't make it to rehearse. 

    OP - it's definately understandable to be disappointed she won't be attending the rehearsal but it's also not the end of the world logistically speaking and I'm sure she still loves you and will absolutely be there when it counts the most - your wedding day.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_should-upset?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:ff14be79-a986-49ce-8559-0358709a233bPost:19e32870-14eb-4c39-959b-24505636d119">Re: Should I be upset?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Its important everyone attend the rehearsal however so they know what they are supposed to do the day of. Its pretty expected just walk down, but since she is the MOH I would expect mine to be there for the practice run so she knows what to do when it counts. Try talking to her again and explain that there is good info in the rehearsal she should really try to make it. She doesn't sound very reasonable.
    Posted by girl2bewed[/QUOTE]


    Sounds like OP already tried to talk her into this, and the MOH is clearly not budging. Asking her again to make the time to come is just going to come across to the MOH as nagging.

    She already said she can't make it. Case closed. No sense in worrying over something that can't be changed.
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    You're expecting too much from her. A rehearsal is almost a complete waste of time. It's really for the bride and groom to walk through it all and maybe the kids to practice walking down the aisle. How frickin' hard is it to walk down the aisle and hold a bouquet? It's not, that's how hard. So give her a break. Even if the dr.s appt IS in the morning, her child is way more important to you, no contest. 

    She's not required to go to bridal shows (gag me) or hair trials with you( again, where's the gag?) These are really pointless things for a MOH to go to unless she WANTS to go. The only person required to help you is your FI and anyone you're PAYING....if your FI isn't willing to help, you got a whole NEW problem.
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    I think it's fine to be sad that she can't make it.  And you can say, "I'd really appreciate it if you could make it but if we have to tell you what to do we'll be fine."

    She's going to walk down an aisle.  This isn't that hard to do.

    Beyond that though, hair trials and other things aren't for a MOH to attend at all.
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    I don't understand why she can't be there if the appointment is at 11 and your rehearsal is at 5:30. Something doesn't add up, unless you are leaving out anotehr detail. That doesn't seem like the honest answer to me, so are you sure there isn't something else making her not able to come (or not wanting to)?
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    Hmm. Maybe she has to work late since she's taking the baby to the doctor earlier that day?

    I do understand your hurt, though. At least she was upfront with you. I'm fairly certain one of my BMs will either skip the rehearsal because she won't want to take off at the time (she has a flexible work schedule) or that she'll bail on my wedding completely. It sucks, but it's beyond my control.
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    lharri12lharri12 member
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    edited April 2010
    Agree with PPs.  You can be upset or disappointed about her not coming to your rehearsal for whatever reason, but maybe she's not going because she's irritated that you asked her to do these other things that she shouldn't be asked to do.  You shouldn't hold it against her that she didn't attend bridal shows or hair trials with you.  I would never dream of asking my MOH to suffer through those things, let alone be upset with her for not going.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_should-upset?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:ff14be79-a986-49ce-8559-0358709a233bPost:603a0242-1f85-4c87-8c6f-05222778af3d">Re: Should I be upset?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I don't understand why she can't be there if the appointment is at 11 and your rehearsal is at 5:30. Something doesn't add up, unless you are leaving out anotehr detail. That doesn't seem like the honest answer to me, so are you sure there isn't something else making her not able to come (or not wanting to)?
    Posted by Seshat411[/QUOTE]

    No one needs to understand why MOH can't (or won't) make it.  Maybe it's just too much hassle.  Maybe the RD is OOT for the MOH.  Maybe the kid has cancer and she won't be up to partying later that night.  The point is that she has already told OP that she can't make it due to prior conflicts.  OP needs to let it drop. 
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    Call me crazy but I thought friendship was a two way street. I don't see anything wrong with wanting and asking your MOH to attend a bridal show or hair trial with you if you didn't want to go alone (that's what friends do) and not everyone's FI is on the same schedule as the rest of the world to actively participate in planning(mine was on 2nd/3rd shift and couldn't do anything Mon-Thur and most vendors were busy on the weekends with other weddings). I would definitely be disappointed if my friend constantly couldn't do things. If this behavior isn't typical, I wouldn't hold it against her but if it's a regular thing, I would re-evaluate the friendship. Also, ask yourself if you've been there for her lately, if you haven't she may be upset with you and is intentionally choosing not to participate because of it. I asked my BM to go to a bridal show with me and she ended up having such a good time she wanted to go to more. When she started ballroom dancing classes and didn't want to go alone until she felt comfortable, I signed up for classes with her even though I'd prefer to be tortured then dance. Friends make time for each other and compromise in order to meet each others needs. 
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_should-upset?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:ff14be79-a986-49ce-8559-0358709a233bPost:19e32870-14eb-4c39-959b-24505636d119">Re: Should I be upset?</a>:
    [QUOTE]IIts important everyone attend the rehearsal however so they know what they are supposed to do the day of. Its pretty expected just walk down, but since she is the MOH I would expect mine to be there for the practice run so she knows what to do when it counts. Try talking to her again and explain that there is good info in the rehearsal she should really try to make it. She doesn't sound very reasonable.
    Posted by girl2bewed[/QUOTE]
    We didn't even have a rehearsal.  No one died, no one ran amok, no one even tripped over themselves or each other.<div>
    </div><div>Do I just have exceptionally bright friends?</div>
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    I don't think anyone is saying it's okay to just be an uber-jerk to your friend. But you also shouldn't penalize someone for not wanting to do "wedding stuff" with you. For instance: I have a friend who l.o.v.e.s. weddings. I think she would go with a girl she didn't even know to meet a DJ, just to have a chance to talk about weddings (complete exagerration, but you get my drift).

    On the other hand, I have many friends who the extent of "wedding stuff" they want to do is say, "How's the wedding coming...oh...nice," and move on.

    It's not her friend's responsibility to go to what OP listed off. It doesn't mean she's a bad friend, she may just not be interested. Who cares? I think what people need to ask themselves when they get into tiffs with friends about wedding stuff is, "Would I have a problem with this person if I wasn't planning a wedding?" I would say 9 out of 10 times, the answer is no.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_should-upset?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:ff14be79-a986-49ce-8559-0358709a233bPost:2e9aa65b-e2b6-46c8-bfa1-fa3f4529aac1">Should I be upset?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I just told all of my wedding party the date and time of the Rehearsal.  I gave everyone 2 months notice, so I figured it would be plenty of time to make arrangements.  My MOH didn't acknowledge my message and when I asked about it she dodged me.  We went out for drinks the other night and she tells me that she cannot make my rehearsal.  She has a doctor's appointment that day for her 9 month old at 11am and cannot make it to my rehearsal for 530pm.  I tell her I am upset by this because I was counting on her to be there.  I tell her she doesn;t even have to go to the dinner, just the rehearsal and then go home.  But she won't budge.  <strong><u>This is not the first time she has done something like this.  She refused to go to bridal shows with me, told me the date and place of my shower and won't go to my hair and makeup trial with me. </u></strong> I know there is nothing I can do, I just needed to vent a little because it makes me sad.  I know if she asked me to do any of these things I would be there no matter what.
    Posted by JessiSawyer[/QUOTE]

    Well none of the bolded things are required of a MOH, so there's no reason for you to be p!ssed at her for not doing them.

    FWIW:  If her 9 month old has to have immunizations that day, she may not want to leave the baby.  Some babies get sick after the shots, and she understandably feels a need to be with him/her.

    It's a rehearsal.  She has to walk down the aisle.  It's not rocket science.  Is it okay to be disappointed?  Sure, for a couple of minutes.  Then let it go.  You'll have the rest of the WP with you that night.

    FWIW:  One of my DD's WP couldn't attend the rehearsal or the hair appointments on wedding morning.  She came rushing in about 40 minutes before the wedding started because of a new job.  And guess what?  Everything went beautifully.  And fortunately, my DD had this attitude:  "Sweetie, that's your life!  I'm sure you can figure out how to walk in and out on a straight path.  I'm just glad you're going to be with me for the ceremony."

    Relax.  You're expectations are too high, and you're going to make yourself crazy, and for what?
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_should-upset?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:ff14be79-a986-49ce-8559-0358709a233bPost:e3fcf0e4-1f1c-410c-96f6-bcf4c64ed46e">Re: Should I be upset?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Call me crazy but I thought friendship was a two way street. I don't see anything wrong with wanting and asking your MOH to attend a bridal show or hair trial with you if you didn't want to go alone (that's what friends do) and not everyone's FI is on the same schedule as the rest of the world to actively participate in planning(mine was on 2nd/3rd shift and couldn't do anything Mon-Thur and most vendors were busy on the weekends with other weddings). I would definitely be disappointed if my friend constantly couldn't do things.
    Posted by rainedrop6[/QUOTE]

    I agree that if I called a friend and said "hey, I know it's not your idea of fun, but there's this bridal show, and FI can't go, and I'm just kind of bummed about going alone...any chance I can tempt you to keep me company with free lunch?" I'd hope she'd come unless she had a conflict. But if I just said "want to come to a bridal show?" or if she had something else to do, I wouldn't take it personally if she said no. I also think that to a bride, it can feel like someone's missed out on multiple big events, whereas objectively bridal show + hair trial is probably two days that your friend might have been busy or two events that she didn't think sounded like much fun...no big deal in the context of the overall friendship.
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    I think you're over-reacting.  Let yourself be disappointed and then let it go.  Some people just aren't into weddings and it sounds like she has her hands full with her child.  The important thing is that she's there for the wedding, all the rest is just gravy.  And honestly, bridal shows and hair trials are not the funnest things in the world, and they certainly aren't required of the bridal party.  Let that go.  It doesn't make her a bad friend or a bad attendnat.
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    I agree that many of the people on here are too harsh.  Okay, so it's not her wedding, but she agreed to be your MOH, and even though most things are not required of her, if you have no close family and she's your best friend, she should be expected to do most of the "wedding things" with you.

    It's not a one-day event, it's the months leading up to the experience of a wedding.  You obviously asked her to be the (2nd) most important person to you on that day, and if she says YES then she needs to step up and take the  RESPONSIBILITES of the position she's accepted.

    She needs to be there.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_should-upset?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:ff14be79-a986-49ce-8559-0358709a233bPost:386a4ef1-074e-4941-ba52-ccea4ffcb6fd">Re: Should I be upset?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I agree that many of the people on here are too harsh.  Okay, so it's not her wedding, but she agreed to be your MOH, and even though most things are not required of her, <strong>if you have no close family and she's your best friend, she should be expected to do most of the "wedding things" with you.</strong> It's not a one-day event, it's the months leading up to the experience of a wedding.  You obviously asked her to be the (2nd) most important person to you on that day, and if she says YES then <strong>she needs to step up and take the  RESPONSIBILITES of the position she's accepted.</strong> She needs to be there.
    Posted by millyd2005[/QUOTE]

    Sorry, the only responsibility people accept when becoming members of the BP are getting the dress, showing up for the wedding and smiling for pictures. Now most people don't do just that, but no one should be expected to do anything more than that.
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    To answer her question yes she should be upset.  She can have whatever emotion that she feels whether it be upset, sad, hurt, etc.  Am I the only one who actually answered her question??  Yes you have the right to be upset.  But of course keep that emotion to yourself and don't make a big deal out of it to her cuz of course you don't want any drama or friction with anyone on your wedding day.  You want to put on a good face and just deal with it.  I mean that's all you can do, you have no other choice but to accept that she isn't able to make it to the rehearsal.  All you could do is probably do what you already did- Explain how important it is that you are able to make it and say "I really hope your able to make it".  If she can't make it, then just move foward with your wedding day.  (After the wedding day, if she still seems to not be the friend you want, then you can make the choice to not hang out with her.  If she doesn't want to do anything for you that you feel is important.  I do believe your friend is being selfish and uncaring.  Boyfriends go watch chick flicks and do things and go places with their gf's that they  might not enjoy, but they do it in the goodness of their hearts to make their girl happy and enjoy seeing her happy and I believe friends should be the same way and understand that if something is really improtant to you, they should some of the time go with you to make you feel happy and you said you would and probab ly have done the same for her. 
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_should-upset?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:ff14be79-a986-49ce-8559-0358709a233bPost:13307bcc-a68d-4152-baf9-bed2f31c9cf4">Re: Should I be upset?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Agree with PPs.  You can be upset or disappointed about her not coming to your rehearsal for whatever reason, but maybe she's not going because she's irritated that you asked her to do these other things that she shouldn't be asked to do .  You shouldn't hold it against her that she didn't attend bridal shows or hair trials with you.  I would never dream of asking my MOH to suffer through those things, let alone be upset with her for not going.
    Posted by lharri12[/QUOTE]

    now op doesn't have the right to simply ask her if she would like to tag along??
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    according to this link yes she is supposed to attend the rehearsal.  with 2 months in advance of being told, she should have known to keep that date free. and if she made the appointment over 2 months ago, depending on when the couple got engaged she should have had the common sense to know what time frame the rehearsal would be around.. duh. common sense.. does anyone have it anymore.. your friend was ignorant for scheduling an appointment at such an obvious time and such an important day that you would have loved for her to be there

    http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-planning/bridal-party/articles/bridesmaids-duties-in-detail.aspx
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    tidetraveltidetravel member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited April 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_should-upset?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:ff14be79-a986-49ce-8559-0358709a233bPost:8fa90935-6089-4328-af22-66def77d9494">Re: Should I be upset?</a>:
    [QUOTE]according to this link yes she is supposed to attend the rehearsal.  with 2 months in advance of being told, she should have known to keep that date free. and if she made the appointment over 2 months ago, depending on when the couple got engaged she should have had the common sense to know what time frame the rehearsal would be around.. duh. common sense.. does anyone have it anymore..<strong> your friend was ignorant for scheduling an appointment at such an obvious time and such an important day that you would have loved for her to be there</strong> <a rel="nofollow" href="http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-planning/bridal-party/articles/bridesmaids-duties-in-detail.aspx">http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-planning/bridal-party/articles/bridesmaids-duties-in-detail.aspx</a>
    Posted by healyl99[/QUOTE]

    Seriously?  Just stop talking.  It's not the MOH's job to keep an entire engagement period free, just IN CASE the bride decides to do something for her wedding. 

    Children trump weddings, sorry.  And if a child needs a doctor appointment set 2+ months in advance, there's probably a good reason for it.   
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    lharri12lharri12 member
    First Comment
    edited April 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_should-upset?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:ff14be79-a986-49ce-8559-0358709a233bPost:426c4ac4-e82a-4b37-a7dc-a4bbf775267e">Re: Should I be upset?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Should I be upset? : now op doesn't have the right to simply ask her if she would like to tag along??
    Posted by healyl99[/QUOTE]

    I didn't say she doesn't have the right to ask her to tag along.  She can ask all she wants, but she does NOT have the right to hold it against her MOH that she did not go.  I just said I wouldn't want to put my MOH through that.
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    I've ventured over to the Nest recently, and I think it's hilarious that I'm suddenly seeing all these posts from new mothers saying, "My bride friend is pissed off at me that I can't attend her engagement party! Doesn't she know that I have a five-month-old that I can't leave behind!"

    EVERYONE thinks that whatever milestone they're going through (wedding, baby, graduation, job, moving, running a marathon) is the be-all, end-all of everyone else's existence around them. When, really, EVERYONE is just full of themselves and is entirely too self-absorbed in their own stupid lives.
     
    It just boggles my mind that there are people whining and complaining that their friends aren't paying enough attention to them, in whatever form that happens to be (didn't come to my shower, didn't help out with wedding plans, didn't stay at my kid's birthday party long enough, didn't reschedule a doctor's appointment to be with me, blah blah blah). People need to get the fuckk over themselves. I'm so sick of people's constant need for attention and validation. Society is entirely too pussified nowadays, with all this crap about not hurting each others' feewlings. Prior generations would've told us all to STFU and get over it.
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    Healyl99, no, you are not the only one who answered her question. I just read back through the first page and saw 7 people specifically say "it's fine to be upset" or "I get that you're sad." Reading comprehension FAIL.

    Malphabet's really got it, and it's what I tried to allude to earlier. For the MOH, she's probably thinking that her child takes precedence (and, honestly, that's how a mother should think, although ideally she could have scheduled better). The OP is understandably thinking her wedding errands are the most important. They're both right for their own lives, and as friends - not as a bride and BM but FRIENDS - they need to find a way to understand each other.
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    I have read all the ladies responses from the beginning and they all say that she has a right to be upset, but she can't hold it against her friend. I find it hilarious healy that you are agreeing with what the other ladies have said but continue to ridicule them. The ladies have repeatedly answered the OPing questions, there's nothing else that can be improved upon in this topic. The OPing got answers, and clarification, and really I didn't see anything that was harsh even at the beginning. I guess its all perceived in how you read.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_should-upset?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:ff14be79-a986-49ce-8559-0358709a233bPost:ecd622db-f84b-4d89-8b12-e91761b975e6">Re: Should I be upset?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Rehearsals aren't mandatory. Don't push her. She's not required to go to bridal showers, bridal shoes, hair and makeup trials, dress shopping, invitation writing, or anything else other than showing up in the requested attire on the wedding day, walking down the aisle, standing or sitting quietly during the ceremony and smiling for pictures.  It sounds like she is not interested in doing WR things so don't br ing it up with her.
    Posted by gottahavashorti[/QUOTE]
     this person is mostly who I was talking about.  didn't answer the question and told OP "don't push her" when she wan't pushing her.  simply asking her to come to the rd is not being too pushy at all.
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    Asking her to attend the RD isn't being pushy.  Asking her TWICE after the friend gave an answer IS being pushy.
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    yes you should be upset but you cant change her she should have said no if she could not do the thing you needed of her if she is your moh and she has bin married be for she knows what she would have wonted form hers if she has not tied the knot well she might not be happy with that and it might be gettign to her that she is not the one getting hiched :) there is allways some thing your best girls are not telling you dont let it up set you for long :)
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