Curious?

kelmal

I, and many others, have been scolded for expecting our bridal party to cover the price for their own attire...frequently I see "if you require specific ______ then YOU must pay for them" and I am baffled. Where does this thought process come from?

My ettiquette book, as do several others I flipped through, have stated that the bridal party is responsible for their own wedding day attire, exluding the bouquet. Even the Knot's Q&A sections states "Bridesmaids are generally expected to pay for their own wedding-day ensemble (shoes and jewelry included). "

So please? Help? I am just curious to know what people think.

stina93446

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_curious-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:ffe80519-dea3-455c-8af7-b2bf1767b936Post:7f4fb049-cc31-45dc-a965-341b46be96aa">Curious?</a>:
[QUOTE]I, and many others, have been scolded for expecting our bridal party to cover the price for their own attire...frequently I see "if you require specific ______ then YOU must pay for them" and I am baffled. Where does this thought process come from? My ettiquette book, as do several others I flipped through, have stated that the bridal party is responsible for their own wedding day attire, exluding the bouquet. Even the Knot's Q&A sections states "Bridesmaids are generally expected to pay for their own wedding-day ensemble (shoes and jewelry included). " So please? Help? I am just curious to know what people think.
Posted by kelmal[/QUOTE]

<div>When bms agree to be bms, they are agreeing to buy the dress and potentially shoes. We merely think that if you pick hideous shoes that you HAVE to have your bms buy, that you should buy them because they are hideous. Also, it's best to not waste money on something so stupid as a pumpkin dyed shoe that will be covered by a dress.</div><div>
</div><div>Hair and makeup, if you're requiring them, ARE YOURS to pay for, not the bp members. </div><div>
</div><div>BTW, the knot and the website, and even magazines all have something in common....they are a part of a multi million wedding business and will get brides to buy ANYTHING. If they tell gullible brides to buy something, they've made money off it. </div>

stina93446

Also, I'd like to say that I am not the best one of the regs to talk about this. lol

I'd like to think that it's a courtesy to not make your friends pay for ridiculous jewelry for one day use. And it's equally ridiculous to give it to them as their gift.

gottahavashorti

Unlike a scarf or unisex t-shirt that's one cut fits all, the same pair of shoes can be comfy for one person and painful for the next.  Most people also typically already have suitable jewelry, if you say "silver jewelry" or "gold jewelry" they probably have basics that will work.  Many people also have allergies to certain metals.

People go in expecting to pay for a dress and maybe a shower or wedding present or helping out with the shower or bachelorette.  Add up those things and shoes, jewelry, hair, makeup and nails and your wedding becomes a huge financial burden for your BMs especially if they aren't given a choice about where to get those things.  It also can come across as kind of controlling, rather than just honoring BMs for being your close friends. 

And again, an updo might look great on one person and awful on another or one girl might look good in heavy makeup but another might look ridiculous.  You'll see it in the pictures if your BMs are uncomfortable or unhappy.

Edit: I can't spell today.

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_curious-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:ffe80519-dea3-455c-8af7-b2bf1767b936Post:7f4fb049-cc31-45dc-a965-341b46be96aa">Curious?</a>:
[QUOTE]I, and many others, have been scolded for expecting our bridal party to cover the price for their own attire...frequently I see "if you require specific ______ then YOU must pay for them" and I am baffled. Where does this thought process come from? My ettiquette book, as do several others I flipped through, have stated that the bridal party is responsible for their own wedding day attire, exluding the bouquet. Even the Knot's Q&A sections states "Bridesmaids are generally expected to pay for their own wedding-day ensemble (shoes and jewelry included). " So please? Help? I am just curious to know what people think.
Posted by kelmal[/QUOTE]
If you are citing any etiquette book other than Emily Post or Miss Manners, frankly you're misinformed.  The Knot is a for-profit website that is eager to sell you things like BM jewelry and by telling you that you "must" have these things, they get you to buy from them.  It's as simple as that.<div>
</div><div>Being a bride doesn't excuse you from being a good friend.  Is it <strong>ever</strong> acceptable to micromanage your friends down to the nails, makeup, and jewelry?  Of course not.  So why is the wedding any different?  </div><div>
</div><div>Plus it speaks to me of misplaced priorities: you are so focused on the minutiae of the day that you can't possibly be keeping sight of the big picture.  If you were focused on the big picture and what a wedding is truly about, you don't care about the small things (you don't even notice the small things at the wedding anyway).  And if you're focused on the marriage, stuff like this really doesn't matter.</div><div>
</div><div>For the record: You are not the first person to bring this up, on this board or others, and you won't be the last.  You of course are free to offer your opinion and ignore the general advice on here.  But keep in mind that on this board at least, many of us are former brides who had pleasant experiences, and so our advice might just be worth listening to.   </div>

tidetravel

DItto PPs.

Just as with anything that you read, you need to keep the source of the information in mind.   Bridal magazines, books and even theknot exist for one purpose:  to promote the business of weddings and to make money.  They make brides and grooms think that they must spend thousands of dollars on piddly little extra things, or their wedding won't be valid.  So... if they can make BMs believe that they must spend money on dresses, alterations, jewelry, shoes, makeup, hair, B-parties, showers, etc.  then they increase THEIR bottom line. 

Now, talk to someone removed from the profit aspect of weddings, and you get a different response.  MissManners is a good example:

http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/article.aspx?cp-documentid=8318988

bablingbrooke

I will also add this: When I first got engaged about two years ago, I truly thought there were "rules" that I needed to follow, like uneven sides and who "has" to be in the WP.  If I had just followed wedding mags I would have thought the same thing.

Then I came to these boards and lurked and realized it was pretty silly to make decisions on those bases.  I'm so glad I followed the advice on here.  Our wedding was absolutely perfect, despite some WP drama involving my sister.  I wouldn't do a single thing differently.  Isn't that how you want to feel after your wedding?  

Bottom line, I just think it's wrong to pull out an "etiquette" book and shove it in your friend's face and say, "SEE!  You DO have to spend this extra money for the sake of my wedding!"  Or to come on a message board and proclaim that "the rules" say so.  You either had no character to begin with or you went off the deep end. 

megk8oz

I was in a wedding where the bride insisted on following the "etiquette" that the wedding magazines preached as gospel truth. At the time, I didn't know too many other married people, and had never heard of The Knot, so I had no idea that it wasn't ok for a bride to treat people like crap. I figured "this is a good friend, and she's saying the magazines say this, so it must be true".

She didn't consult anybody on their budgets or image concerns and just picked a (rather expensive and not very flattering) dress and said "order it". She demanded we all get pro hair and nails, and insisted we pay for that as well.

She, at one point, said "Oh, I don't care about shoes, just get whatever you want in silver. You're in long dresses, so nobody will even see your feet", which was great, so 4 of her 5 BMs (myself included), bought different shoes ... 2 weeks before the wedding (Well after the "return" period on mine), she announced that she changed her mind, and we all had to match ... and she picked shoes that were not my style and so incredibly uncomfortable that I was dying to take off by the time her ceremony was over. Oh, and I never wore them again.

By the time her wedding was over, between the dress, the alterations, the gifts, the gas mileage, and then the shoes (Both pairs), nails and hair, I literally sunk $1,000 into her "special day". And I really didn't have that kind of money (I had to take a second job to cover everything). On top of the financial demands she made, without consulting anybody, she was just incredibly self-centered and pretty much had the attitude "I'ts my day, my way!" and was very adamant that she didn't give a crap if that meant putting a friend in a sh!tty position.

I don't talk to her very much anymore. The way she had treated me during her planning process put a huge strain on our friendship. I am still friends with quite a few of her BMs, though. And they really don't like her that much anymore either.

blackfire5th

You can ask them to buy whatever you want, but you must keep it all under the lowest bm's budget.

I do feel strongly about letting everyone pick their own shoes.  Everyone's feet are different and no one is going to wear your plum purple shoe again, so might as well stick with black, sliver, gold, etc.

mbcdefg

I don't think it's unreasonable to specify a shoe color and then leave it up to the BMs to get their own. Whether they buy new shoes, wear ones they already own or borrow them.

I *DO* think it's very unreasonable to demand a specific shoe and then not pay for it.

I also found that the less you ask of BMs, the more they'll usually do for you. I didn't require pro hair and makeup, but both my BMs elected to get it done. I only asked that they get black shoes (figuring they could wear pre-existing shoes), and they decided to buy new shoes. I didn't ask for a bachelorette party, but they organized a very nice event for me.

Personally, I'm more apt to do something nice for a friend if I don't feel like it's an obligation. If a friend demanded something from me (especially using the "It's MY day" or "I read in a wedding book that you have to do this for me" excuses), I'd just do a halfassed job to get it over with, because I'd be pissed that an otherwise good friend was suddenly demanding things from me. Not only because that's not a good way for my friends to treat me, but I'd also be insulted that she didn't trust me enough to pick out suitable shoes on my own or throw her a nice party on my own.

megk8oz

And just to clarify, it's fine for your BMs to buy their own shoes and jewelry ... as long as you're only giving basic guidelines and aren't requiring them to match perfectly. But if you're going to insist that everything and everyone be exactly the same, you really should be footing the bill.

A huge beef with my friend was making me pay for the second pair of shoes. I had already spent money on shoes-shoes that I like and have since worn again. And I didn't have a problem buying the first pair! Had she said "Well, I really want you in these instead" but paid for the new ones ... well, my feet still would have hurt, and I still wouldn't have re-worn them, but I would have appreciated not having to pay for something I really couldn't afford (And didn't really like/had no practical use for).

The same with the hair and nails. I may not have liked the hair-do, but if I didn't have to pay for it, I wouldn't be so mad about it to this day. But at the time, I had long hair, and really didn't have the $150 to spend on getting it done ... I am more than capable of doing my own hair. I did my own hair for my wedding! Had she either offered to pay or just said "Ok, you can do your own", I would have been fine with it.

But like I said earlier, I really didn't have a lot of money, the other BMs weren't in much better shape than me. She knew this and proceeded to not care. And because of her inconsideration, a lot of friendships were severely damaged because of it. And I really don't think any wedding is worth any of that.

aerinpegadrak

For the record, I barely noticed what my bridesmaids had as far as hair, makeup, shoes, jewelry, and nails on the day of the wedding.  Everyone was happy and smiling and having a good time, and that's all I really cared about.  So had I spent a ton of time and energy trying to determine those details, it would have all been for nothing.  Instead I left them to their own devices (I paid for hair because it was easier, they all picked their own styles) and focused on other things, and the entire event was better for it.

Good friends probably won't say anything if the bride makes them spend a ton of money on one-use items.  But then, a good friend wouldn't put her bridesmaids in that position in the first place.

tldh

I think common sense dictates a lot.   BMs know they are going to have to buy a specific dress.  Everything else is an extra. 

When is the last time you noticed the necklaces or earrings the BMs were wearing or if they were all wearing the same shoes? Personally, it's always a good tip off for me that if the BMs coming down the aisle are a carbon copy of one another this is going to be one boring by the book wedding.

LD1970

They're required to pay for their own shoes & jewelry - though I'd say if you require SPECIFIC jewelry, you should buy it for them.  It's silly to require specific jewelry anyway.  On shoes, I differ from most of the others here; I've always bought my shoes even when they were required by the bride and I don't have a problem with that.  The general wisdom here is if you require specific shoes, you pay.  That's a newer philosophy, though.

trix1223

I'm just going to jump on the ditto the other ladies in the hope that a large number of posts that say the same thing will speak to newbies who think that a ring on their finger is a license to become foolish and micromanage their friends to the most minute issues.

There was a post yesterday on the Moms & Maids board about the weddings of 30 years ago, and how they differed.  One of the things that I realized as I was writing of my own wedding was that we DID worry about things like even sides (which in retrospect is silly), and we did have all of our party wear the same dress.

But we did not turn our weddings into a hollywood red carpet parade:  we did NOT have pro hair and makeup.  We did not demand certain hairstyles (ie updos) and shoes and wraps.  We did not demand that tattoos be covered up, and we did not obsess about things like fingernails.  (I have no idea what the fingernails of my WP looked like.  Ihave no idea what their shoes looked like.)

Of course, there also weren't wedding tv shows or websites to whip unsuspecting women into a wedding feeding frenzy. 

We were wrong about some things?  Yes:  even sides and head tables come quickly to mind.  But were we right about (perhaps more) things?  I think so.  Because I don't know anyone, ANYONE from my friends, married 25-30 years ago who had the kind of unfortunate WP drama that I read about now.

I admire the brides of today who are willing to realize that substance is more important than image, and that the end result of the day is being married, not in appearances.  I admire them for keeping everything in perspective and bucking the industry trend for inconsequential "stuff".

banana468

I think it's fine to say to your friends that they're responsible for looking presentable on the wedding day.

That means though that as a bride, you need to be respectful of them.  Before you ask them to buy a dress, ask them what they can spend on the dress.    Don't require specific shoes, but give guidelines to a specific color. 

If you want, mention jewelry guidelines, but again do not require specific jewelry purchases.  Hair and makeup need to be optional in terms of making them pay for a professional.  You can say, "I would like you to look nice," but beyond that, understand that your wedding isn't a business and requiring a certain look smacks more of an employer/employee relationship than one of friends supporting each other.

And I'm going to ditto malphabet.  The less you require, the more I think they want to do.  I was a BM for SIL's wedding and I had to buy the dress and shoes.  I didn't love having to buy the shoes but they're cute and I'll probably wear them again.  She didn't require professional hair and makeup but I opted to join her that day and do it because I wanted to.  She gave me lovely earrings as a gift but they weren't required wear for the wedding day.  BUT, the BMs and MsOH and I got together and decided to wear them as a cohesive look. 

It's all about treating your friends as friends and not as people who HAVE to do this for you. 

mstar284

I think it's a good idea to sit down with them and work with them. Ask them if they would be ok with paying for item A, item B, etc. I think traditionally the bridemaids should pay for their dress and shoes (plus any pre-wedding party stuff). I think it just depends on the situation. What do you think they would be comfortable paying for. I don't think there are any rules anymore, and if there are, screw it. Do what is right for you and your WP. Maybe they pay for their dress, shoes, and jewelry and you pay for their hair and makeup. Or maybe you buy their dress and they pay for the rest. I don't know. I would honestly just flat out talk to them about it.

bablingbrooke

I have to disagree with you, mstar.  If your wedding requires a payment plan or negotiations of any sort, you're charging your WP too much and need to get a reality check.  Which we at WP provide on a daily basis.

Has anyone here EVER noticed the nails, jewelry, or shoes on the WP?  

My BMs all wore their own shoes in the color I picked (and then only because they made me give them some guidelines).  They wore silver.  Other than my sister's shoes, I can't remember what shoes my own BMs wore at our wedding.  I can't even tell in the photos.  I couldn't tell you if they wore heels or flats, platforms, or whatnot.  The only reason I remember my sister's shoes is because they were mine--she borrowed them for the wedding.  So why make them spend money on shoes YOU picked out?

My BMs were on their own for hair/makeup/nails, etc.  Two opted to get them professionally done, the other two did their own.  In the photos you *cannot* tell which is which.  You can't tell whether anyone got pro nails.  I have to really look closely to tell what jewelry everyone is wearing.  

NONE of this matters.  None of it.  And even if your BM does choose to wear spangly earrings or a chunky bracelet, you won't care.  But you need to trust them to be themselves and to want to look nice for you.  Do you really think good friends will choose this day of all days to do something to spite you?  

Good friends do not micromanage their friends' attire down to the details.  If you think that's your right you need to step back.  This is not your opportunity to boss everyone around for a day.  

stina93446

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_curious-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:ffe80519-dea3-455c-8af7-b2bf1767b936Post:0952a550-31cc-4e50-aaa8-588f89d55db9">Re: Curious?</a>:
[QUOTE] And even if your BM does choose to wear spangly earrings or a chunky bracelet, you won't care.  
Posted by bablingbrooke[/QUOTE]

<div>I thought I would add that one of my bms wore a ton of bracelets and a lot of them were "trendy/funky" and I didn't even notice. It wasn't until I saw her "portrait" photo that the photog took. I thought, "wow, I didn't even see those. How cool and very HER!"</div><div>
</div><div>I didn't once tell my girls to pick pearls or only silver jewelry. I love how they all look different. And no, none of them looked out of place or like they were trying to stand out. If you're a bride and you're that concerned with a bm's hair/jewelry/shoes/makeup/nails taking away from your pictures or yourself, get over it. None of it matters.</div>

gottahavashorti

[QUOTE]I have to disagree with you, mstar.  If your wedding requires a payment plan or negotiations of any sort, you're charging your WP too much and need to get a reality check.[/QUOTE]
Ditto this and everything about being a good friend.

Nails - one of my BMs had blue toenails.  I know this because she told me a couple days before the wedding that she was going to get blue nail polish for her toes, showed me the nail polish when she bought it, and I believe showed me her toes the morning of the wedding.  I remembered it because I tried to paint my nails blue for a wedding last year and got rid of it because the color I had looked awful on me, and the one she had was much nicer.

Jewelery - I have no idea if they were wearing necklaces or bracelets but all of them were wearing long, rhinestone earrings.  I thought it was interesting that they all ended up with somewhat similar style earrings, I have no idea if they discussed this with each other or if it happened on its own.  I'm not sure what each pair of earrings looked like though.

Shoes - They all decided they wanted to show me their shoes when they got them and I was with my sister when she got her 2nd pair of shoes for the wedding.  I requested silver or something in the silver family, so gray, pewter, silver or anything in between.  Everyone ended up with cute shoes that were their style and went well with the dresses.

 I <em>do </em>notice shoes on WPs sometimes but only because I get shoe envy.

Hair - I never mentioned hair to them.  My sister thought about a headband and got one but ended up changing it.  I think 2 curled their hair and one was going to wear her hair straight but ended up with a pretty updo that she had done by a hairdresser friend because it was humid that day and her friend could do the updo more neatly than she could.

Makeup - I know at least one wore makeup because she did it at the venue.

bablingbrooke

I also want to add to OP: You're right, it is up to the WP to buy their own attire and accessories.  But only if THEY choose it/pick it out.  I think it's only fair they have the option to use stuff they already own.  If YOU choose it, you do need to pay for all the reasons everyone has mentioned.  Make sense?

I also think this should apply to the dresses if the BMs get absolutely NO say in what they look like.  But that's just me.  For the record, many brides (if not most) even let the BMs pick out the dress within certain guidelines: color, fabric, length, etc.  I've never had a BM dress chosen for me--the bride took us shopping and we all decided together what dress we wanted to wear (this happened twice).  That's what my BMs did--I told them they could wear whatever they wanted in the right color, they looked at me like I had two heads, they decided to wear the same dress but picked it out among themselves.  I even let them pick the color after the one I originally wanted looked terrible on them (the one they picked looked 100x better).  I'm in a wedding next year and the bride is choosing our outfits (we have to wear saris) but she's also paying for them.  

aerinpegadrak

Ditto Brooke.  I told my girls any black dress.  The cost was entirely up to them, ranging from free (already owned something suitable) to $150.  So yes, they paid, but they chose what to pay.

mstar284

<div align="left">In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_curious-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:ffe80519-dea3-455c-8af7-b2bf1767b936Post:0952a550-31cc-4e50-aaa8-588f89d55db9">Re: Curious?</a>:
[QUOTE]I have to disagree with you, mstar.  If your wedding requires a payment plan or negotiations of any sort, you're charging your WP too much and need to get a reality check.  Which we at WP provide on a daily basis. Has anyone here EVER noticed the nails, jewelry, or shoes on the WP?   My BMs all wore their own shoes in the color I picked (and then only because they made me give them some guidelines).  They wore silver.  Other than my sister's shoes, I can't remember what shoes my own BMs wore at our wedding.  I can't even tell in the photos.  I couldn't tell you if they wore heels or flats, platforms, or whatnot.  The only reason I remember my sister's shoes is because they were mine--she borrowed them for the wedding.  So why make them spend money on shoes YOU picked out? My BMs were on their own for hair/makeup/nails, etc.  Two opted to get them professionally done, the other two did their own.  In the photos you *cannot* tell which is which.  You can't tell whether anyone got pro nails.  I have to really look closely to tell what jewelry everyone is wearing.   NONE of this matters.  None of it.  And even if your BM does choose to wear spangly earrings or a chunky bracelet, you won't care.  But you need to trust them to be themselves and to want to look nice for you.  Do you really think good friends will choose this day of all days to do something to spite you?   Good friends do not micromanage their friends' attire down to the details.  If you think that's your right you need to step back.  This is not your opportunity to boss everyone around for a day.  
Posted by bablingbrooke[/QUOTE]

I'm sorry if I haven't made myself clear because I don't write page long stories.
I honestly expected someone to disagree because someone always does. I honestly think you guys just look for things to disagree with.

All I said was that I was going to sit down with my bridal party and discuss what WE would like to do. I never said I was going to decide anything. Sorry if that wasn't clear. Hopefully it is now. I really don't see how you can argue with that.

And I don't like being talked down to like a child. I never said I would choose their jewelry, makeup, shoes, etc. Actually, I was just about to post how they should be able to choose their. own. And like I've said before, I am ASKING my bridal party what they want to do. But you don't know my friends, of couse, so you shouldn't make judgements about OUR plans. How do you know my BM wouldn't love to have me pay to get their hair done? Like I said, I would never force my best friends to do anything they didn't want to because I'm not like that.

and I would like to add that I'm really not trying to cause trouble here. I just feel that I didn't communicate myself clearly before and that people shouldn't jump to conclusions or assume anything about what my friends or I would like or dislike.</div>

bablingbrooke

Whoa.  No one accused you of any of that.  Chill.

mags0607

The PPs have really tackled the money aspects of requiring certain things for weddings, and I agree with them wholeheartedly, so I am going to focus on this topic in a different way.

I have six bridesmaids all together, but two in particular are complete polar opposites.

 One is an upscale boutique owner. She only wears dresses, everything is name brand, she loves to be the center of attention, and would NEVER walk out of her house without perfect hair and makeup on. I have seen her without a professional manicure once in the ten years I have known her.

The other is a botanist, and an avid outdoors-woman. She wears nothing but jeans and t-shirts, and very rarely wears dresses. The only jewelry she wears is her wedding band, and that is a solid platinum band. She always has her hair up, only weras makeup on special occasions, and never worries about manicures or being stylish. I don't even think she owns a purse. 

The only thing these two girls have in common is their love for me. Yes, they will be wearing the same dress ( their choice) but other than that, me dictating their exact makeup, shoes, nail-color, hairstyle, would be seriously uncomfortable for one or both of them. They are my friends, not props, not decoration, and I feel that making them look uniform really takes away from who they are as people.

Would they do it for me? Absolutely. Would they be happy? Probably not.

Its all about focusing less on the aesthetics of how your bridal party looks, and focusing on the fact that they are standing up with you, spending money on things they may never wear again, and taking time out to be with you at your wedding.

The people you have asked to be in your wedding party presumably love you very much, and care about you to participate. Shouldn't you care about them enough to make sure they are comfortable, and that a wedding isn't the thing that ruins or alters a friendship forever.

mstar284

no doubt.

mstar284

<div align="left">In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_curious-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:ffe80519-dea3-455c-8af7-b2bf1767b936Post:d74fbee7-64d5-4d2d-89a4-023f78a6c2ae">Re: Curious?</a>:
[QUOTE]All I said was that I was going to sit down with my bridal party and discuss what WE would like to do. I never said I was going to decide anything. Sorry if that wasn't clear. Hopefully it is now. I really don't see how you can argue with that. Um, I can argue with that.  As someone who's been a BM a LOT, I can tell you it is much much better to discuss this stuff with each girl privately.  When you put them all in a big group, no one is going to want to be "that" girl and say no (even if she really can't afford something or thinks it's ridiculous to have to pay for it). And, no, being besties for life does not make an exception to this rule.  If anything, it ups the pressure on a BM.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

Well I'm pretty sure it's kind of inevitable not to talk about wedding stuff when we are all hanging out. Who said they all have to do the same thing or agree on one thing? I'm not talking budget all together. That would be inconsiderate to discuss their financial issues as a group, of course. Are you saying that we can't talk about styles of dresses, bouquets, etc? I thought that was kind of what friends did. Can't go out to lunch and circulate ideas around the table because somone might get offended? Really that's all I meant...</div>

bablingbrooke

I think what Stage meant is that sometimes brides talk about doing extravagant things and if one BM can't do it, she might not feel comfortable being the party pooper and bringing it up.  Talking about wedding stuff is totally fine, if you want to talk about your ideas.  I think it's more about things like, "Of course we have to do a weekend bach party in Vegas!" or things like that.  I'm sure you're not doing it.  

A word of caution from the married to the newly engaged (and I'm not saying you're guilty of this, this is just something we all dealt with at one point or another): Make sure you talk about some things other than your wedding  We are all guilty of it at one point or another, but it's very easy to talk about it more than you realize.  A good rule of thumb is to wait for people to ask you about your wedding plans before you talk about it.  If you have the urge to share ideas on a very regular basis about your plans, many people find their local boards are a great outlet for that.

mstar284

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_curious-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:ffe80519-dea3-455c-8af7-b2bf1767b936Post:9bf3f5cd-78d3-4579-b8a0-66654a2ecc64">Re: Curious?</a>:
[QUOTE]I think what Stage meant is that sometimes brides talk about doing extravagant things and if one BM can't do it, she might not feel comfortable being the party pooper and bringing it up.  Talking about wedding stuff is totally fine, if you want to talk about your ideas.  I think it's more about things like, "Of course we have to do a weekend bach party in Vegas!" or things like that.  I'm sure you're not doing it.   A word of caution from the married to the newly engaged (and I'm not saying you're guilty of this, this is just something we all dealt with at one point or another): Make sure you talk about some things other than your wedding :)  We are all guilty of it at one point or another, but it's very easy to talk about it more than you realize.  A good rule of thumb is to wait for people to ask you about your wedding plans before you talk about it.  If you have the urge to share ideas on a very regular basis about your plans, many people find their local boards are a great outlet for that.
Posted by bablingbrooke[/QUOTE]

very true. Right when I'm about to say something wedding related, I think about how long ago I brought it up. It's easy to babble on about it, but I don't want to annoy people. I try to resist.