Interfaith Weddings

Extreme Catholic Family Issues.

We got engaged on Nov. 24. and My fiance's family had thanksgiving the next day. So I assumed that it would be the time to announce our engagement. But no. I wanted to tell his grandma by myself ( we're really close ) and after I tell her she informs me that she doesn't want me to tell the rest of the family until after the holidays because it will just upset everyone.. ) : Idk what to say after that. But this is the hard part.

My fiance, Alex, is catholic. But once we get married we're going to attend a christian church ( I'm christian ). And my uncle who is a christian pastor is performing our ceremony. And his family is outraged about this! We moved our wedding to out of state and limited the guests to only our parents and siblings because it would devistate Alex if his only living grandparents refused to come to his wedding. Idk what to do. I didn't force anything on Alex but they're acting like I'm making him leave the catholic church. It was his choice!! And I keep telling them this and they won't listen.. And Alex just tells me to not worry what they say that we'll do this our way no matter what they say but I love his family and I don't want this to come between us.

In a time when nothing is more certain than change, the commitment of two people to one another has become difficult and rare. Yet, by its scarcity, the beauty and value of this exchange have only been enhanced. ~Robert Sexton

Re: Extreme Catholic Family Issues.

  • edited December 2011
    Hang in there.  I am jewish and just got engaged to my fiance who is catholic (and his family is VERY catholic) and we are having a jewish wedding we decided.  Yes, many of his family members are upset (including his mom, who makes mean comments), but in the end it is what me and my fiance (Jon) want.  You can't make everyone happy.  All that matters is what you guys have decided on how you want to get married and how you want to raise your kids.  Everyone else will come around eventually (hey, they have no choice!!) it may take a long while (maybe not until a few years), but I have hopes that eventually they will love and accept me and look past religion to see how much I love Jon and that I am a good person. But congrats on the wedding, and have fun planning!! Everything else u can't control, so you have to let it go and don't let it ruin your wedding process, because you only have one! Good luck!
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • edited December 2011
    That's really tough!  As a Catholic myself, I can say that his family seems pretty unreasonable.  If you want to appease them, could you consider a joint ceremony with two officiants - your uncle and a Catholic priest?  Alex should remind his family also that his faith choices have been his responsibility since he was confirmed, not theirs, and you cannot be blamed for his choices.

    As for my personal advice to you, it might be helpful if you kept in mind that Catholics are Christian and his family will probably get pissy if you say you're going to a Christian church instead of a Catholic one.

    Good luck and hang in there!  You and your fiance love each other and in the end that's what matters most.  His family will come around in time and all this won't matter in 10 years.
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_interfaith-weddings_extreme-catholic-family-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:396Discussion:ee384367-fd17-4aed-9c34-78135ec758caPost:9aa24f1d-493d-43d9-adb2-551f654b6cbc">Extreme Catholic Family Issues.</a>:
    [QUOTE]We got engaged on Nov. 24. and My fiance's family had thanksgiving the next day. So I assumed that it would be the time to announce our engagement. But no. I wanted to tell his grandma by myself ( we're really close ) and after I tell her she informs me that she doesn't want me to tell the rest of the family until after the holidays because it will just upset everyone.. ) : Idk what to say after that. But this is the hard part. <strong>My fiance, Alex, is catholic. But once we get married we're going to attend a christian church ( I'm christian ).</strong>And my uncle who is a christian pastor is performing our ceremony. And his family is outraged about this! We moved our wedding to out of state and limited the guests to only our parents and siblings because it would devistate Alex if his only living grandparents refused to come to his wedding. Idk what to do. I didn't force anything on Alex but they're acting like I'm making him leave the catholic church. It was his choice!! And I keep telling them this and they won't listen.. And Alex just tells me to not worry what they say that we'll do this our way no matter what they say but I love his family and I don't want this to come between us.
    Posted by AbbyAlex[/QUOTE]

    This is for your FI to handle, not you.  As a Catholic though, I will say that I found the bolded part of your post to be highly offensive.  I'm a pretty relaxed and liberal Catholic but if this is how you speak around your FI's family, I'm not surprised that they are upset.
    Proud to be an old married hag!! image
  • chelseacalvinchelseacalvin member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    currently having the same problem and ahem others should not be offended it seems like your wording was just off but my fiances family is the same way and they voice their opinion often about how I need to convert. It does upset me a little because at times I feel as though being baptist isnt good enough for them. so glad to see I am not the only one who goes through this!
    [Deleted User]
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_interfaith-weddings_extreme-catholic-family-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:396Discussion:ee384367-fd17-4aed-9c34-78135ec758caPost:c55d7226-6ebe-4a95-b1a4-2a2e4db7b95b">Re: Extreme Catholic Family Issues.</a>:
    [QUOTE]currently having the same problem and ahem others should not be offended it seems like your wording was just off[/QUOTE]
    No, I think this is actually a fair point - there are a lot of Christian denominations who say that Catholics are not Christian, and it IS offensive.  You are disheartened when your family says being baptist isn't good enough.  Imagine what it would feel like if they said you weren't Christian!  I think there might be some misunderstanding on both sides - if only people would listen you'd find that most denominations of Christianity believe a lot of the same things.
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_interfaith-weddings_extreme-catholic-family-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:396Discussion:ee384367-fd17-4aed-9c34-78135ec758caPost:9aa24f1d-493d-43d9-adb2-551f654b6cbc">Extreme Catholic Family Issues.</a>:
    [QUOTE]We got engaged on Nov. 24. and My fiance's family had thanksgiving the next day. So I assumed that it would be the time to announce our engagement. But no. I wanted to tell his grandma by myself ( we're really close ) and after I tell her she informs me that she doesn't want me to tell the rest of the family until after the holidays because it will just upset everyone.. ) : Idk what to say after that. But this is the hard part. My fiance, Alex, is catholic. But once we get married we're going to attend a christian church ( I'm christian ). And my uncle who is a christian pastor is performing our ceremony. And his family is outraged about this! We moved our wedding to out of state and limited the guests to only our parents and siblings because it would devistate Alex if his only living grandparents refused to come to his wedding. Idk what to do. I didn't force anything on Alex but they're acting like I'm making him leave the catholic church. It was his choice!! And I keep telling them this and they won't listen.. And Alex just tells me to not worry what they say that we'll do this our way no matter what they say but I love his family and I don't want this to come between us.
    Posted by AbbyAlex[/QUOTE]

    WOW! That's ridiculous! They should be happy that he found someone as special and loving as you. They are really missing the point. You both believe in Jesus and that He died on the cross for your sins. I'm marrying a Jewish man and I was raised Lutheran, so it's really difficult for me to see your in-laws point of view when both of you believe in Christ. Shouldn't that be what's most important?
  • edited December 2011
    correct me if I am wrong, but i think she was trying to say she is a non-denomination Christian
  • abjohnsabjohns member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_interfaith-weddings_extreme-catholic-family-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:396Discussion:ee384367-fd17-4aed-9c34-78135ec758caPost:fd9630c6-01e2-4cb8-a861-7f8223ea3eea">Re: Extreme Catholic Family Issues.</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Extreme Catholic Family Issues. : No, I think this is actually a fair point - there are a lot of Christian denominations who say that Catholics are not Christian, and it IS offensive.  You are disheartened when your family says being baptist isn't good enough.  Imagine what it would feel like if they said you weren't Christian!  I think there might be some misunderstanding on both sides - if only people would listen you'd find that most denominations of Christianity believe a lot of the same things.
    Posted by pianobuggy[/QUOTE]

    my fiance and i are in the same boat---im baptist and he's very catholic. his mom said that she would not come to the ceremony unless it were held in a catholic church---my parents said they would not come if it were held in a catholic church, so we decided to not get married in a church but have my paster and his priest tag-team the ceremony and this actually pleased both sets of parents. However, i kind of disagree with what pianobuggy said------my fiance felt the same way; i think  most catholics feel that protestant religions don't view catholicism as christian, which is very wrong. however, what bugs me is that the catholic faith does not acknowledge a marriage outside of the catholic church (any marriage taking place outside of a catholic church)-------so when his family was ok with us getting married at a lakeside pavillion, i was shocked, but pleased. I understand you love his family, but trust me, they will come around and you just gotta pull up your big girl pants----this is your day. Trying to please everyone will not happen (I'm still trying to do that and failing horribly) and in the end, on the day of your wedding, i bet his family will show up and all will be well. hope this helped!
  • agapecarrieagapecarrie member
    Knottie Warrior 1000 Comments 100 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_interfaith-weddings_extreme-catholic-family-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:396Discussion:ee384367-fd17-4aed-9c34-78135ec758caPost:f99459ac-0d68-4a72-8bbb-e6a4b8567ec1">Re: Extreme Catholic Family Issues.</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Extreme Catholic Family Issues. : however, what bugs me is that the catholic faith does not acknowledge a marriage outside of the catholic church (any marriage taking place outside of a catholic church)--
    Posted by abjohns[/QUOTE]

    This is absolutely not true. The catholic church recognizes any marriage between non-Catholics (with no impediments like previous marriages) outside the catholic church. Only Catholics are bound by canonical form (marrying in the church). Catholics can receive a dispensation from form in order to marry outside the church for something like your situation.
    shawna127elizabethp17
  • currently having the same problem and ahem others should not be offended it seems like your wording was just off but my fiances family is the same way and they voice their opinion often about how I need to convert. It does upset me a little because at times I feel as though being baptist isnt good enough for them. so glad to see I am not the only one who goes through this!

    I am in the same boat. We have not nailed down the details of our ceremony just yet but our desired venue is a non-denominational chapel on the campus of the college we both attended. It is upsetting and hurtful when others make comments, HOWEVER everyone has their ideas about what is "right". When it comes down to it- it's important for YOU and your FI to be okay with it because those are the values that will be important throughout your marriage, particularly when the children come along.
  • Also if anyone is interested, I found this article to be a good perspective on this situation (I am the Baptist)

    http://www.americancatholic.org/Newsletters/CU/ac0690.asp

  • To make it fair between the two families, get married under both religion so they won't acts as if someone has to leave their religion or not. Have a simple ceremony from each church or something grand if you can afford. Religion has nothing to do between the two person who want to love each other for the rest of their lives.
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards