Can't Believe People Still Think Like This.

dreamincitrus

I don't know how this post is going to come off, but I swear I don't mean for it to be offensive to anyone whatsoever, and that I'm ranting and really, really upset right now.For those who don't know, FI is chinese and I am caucasian. While he is unable to speak any chinese (mandarin), I am fluent and it definitely helps with communicating with his grandparents, great aunts, etc. Anywho, we went to our local asian market, and FI ran into one of FMIL's family friends. I've met her before, and she's always seemed nice and she made small talk (in english) to us, and then went on her way. So, about 10 minutes later, we wind up in the same aisle again, and she is with her daughter who is about my age and are speaking in mandarin, saying things like 'I can't believe FMIL lets her son date HER KIND, how dare he bring HER KIND into a store for US, he should be ashamed of himself for dating a white woman, etc etc'. So at this point I was just absolutely floored. I guess they didn't think I'd be able to understand what they were saying. Because, you know, us white folk only speak english.I didn't go confront them or anything, and we left the store and I told FI what they said. We were both pretty hurt, especially since this is someone who took care of him at times as a child. I just can't believe someone would still feel that way about interracial relationships, and what's worse, she was feeding it to her daughter. Okay, vent over. I just had to get that out and everyone around here is really nice and supportive of other knotties and are always a positive in my day.

ring_pop

That's absolutely terrible, sorry you had to go through that!! I hope her daughter doesn't feel the same way; at least at her age, she is much more exposed to other interracial couples (I'd assume).One day I would love to see the look on their faces when you say something in Mandarin to them.

Stuffing

Oh my gosh... I'm sorry to hear that!  It's very unfortunate but I still hear things like that all the time.  My aunts and uncles in Taiwan were aghast that my younger cousin is dating a white guy.  They even said right out to my Asian American aunt how can they let it happen!If it makes you feel any better, there are a lot of intra-asian discrimination as well.  It was a big deal that my now husband is not Taiwanese, but my mother eventually got over it.  She denied our first request to get engaged... and my DH just decided to go ahead and propose without asking my parents the second time =D

jenandcris

That really is horrible. I'm sorry that such a thing happened... I'm sad to admit that it's so common... I still get glares/talks from relatives about why I'd want to marry FI (hispanic)!I agree with ring_pop... just watch their jaws drop when you speak to them in Mandarin!

jenandcris

* I meant that it's common in my area for such a thing to occur.

junelley

Grrrrr   I'd be so mad if I were you, too, and if they weren't family friends, I'd have said something to them in Mandarin and surprise them.  I am so sorry you have to go through this!  I hope his daughter doesn't agree with her and perhaps would help her mom open her eyes more. 

tohruchan

omg. that is outrageous. >=(  that is so wrong of her! but sadly i'm not surprised about it... many people (esp. older folks) have very conservative or traditional views about dating and interracial relationships.   i admire your patience and humility.. if it were me, i would've said something smart to them in mandarin. (well, if i spoke mandarin).you know that song by mariah carey... "you gotta shake it off"...    

ddwedding2010

thats horrible.  i'd just chalk it up to her being jealous that her daughter isn't engaged/getting married.  i think a lot of older chinese parents/people are like that (pro their own kind) despite the fact that its pretty typical these days.  also, at least your FI was appalled too.  good for you for sharing that with him.  AND good for you for being fluent

Alko726

I'm sorry to hear that -- I'd be extremely frustrated as well. Actually if it were me, I'd have said something in mandarin to them (not about their comments), so that they'd have that "oh crap!" look on their faces. It happens though, and I think it's actually all too common still, unfortunately. My parents took a little while to get used to the idea that I wasn't dating another Chinese person (he's Caucasian), but after getting to know him, they really have taken a liking to him I think. Sometimes it takes them getting past the surface a little before they realize that you're perfect for each other regardless of what "KIND" they are. lol

Leese123

Sorry that you had to go through what you did.  *Sigh* It happens unfortunately depending on how traditional or older generation.  My parents are still getting use to me not marrying a non-chinese...and they make comments here and there that I are uncalled for..but it's a generation gap. At our wedding reception, when we did our speech, we both spoke in each other's language (he spoke cantonese, and I spoke in Japanese).  I say you should do the same..and invite THIS family friend.

NJerseyABC

So sorry you had to go through that... it is truly sad that people's mentality is so closed, especially since they live here in the USA.

buttaflai

Sorry, dream, that is terrible. I know it's easy to wish you said something right then and there, but things like that would catch me off guard and I wouldn't know what to say either! If there is ever an unfortunate next time, you'll be more prepared to say something for sure. I would love to see her reaction.

dreamincitrus

Thanks everyone! Ha, I was totally tempted to go up and say something like 'omg I didn't know you spoke mandarin too, how awesome lololol! 8D' Just to see if they went straight faced, but I decided not to. It's moments like those that make me realize FI is a great guy and that people are just jealous or just can't understand that we love each other. To think that in the the earlier half of the 20th century we could have been arrested (in some states) for getting married. Amazing how far we've come, and then someone has to say something really low, and not even to my face. I'm sicking our lion dance lion on her come reception time. ;p

clearheavens

I agree with ppl. And I am so sorry for the pain you had to go through due to people's insecurity and intolerance. I also have to congratulate you on knowing Mandarin! That is such a wonderful skill! I'm sure your future kids will be glad you can teach them and speak to your FI's family.

dreamincitrus

Thanks heavens. My dad was in the navy and got to travel a lot thanks to that, and basically told me at a very young age to broaden my horizons, so I decided to start learning it from one of my friend's moms. It definitely comes in handy.

foolforfood

In my family, we were all encouraged to date and marry within our ethnicity.  It wasn't due to hate or discrimation.  Our parents just wanted to clearly communicate with DH and his family, and take part in the same cultural traditions.  It creates a sense of ease for them.  I think this horrid woman may change her thoughts about you when she finds out that you speak fluent Mandarin and have an appreciation for the culture.  She may not think of you as an outsider when she learns how great you are.  That doesn't excusive her ignorance or her hypocrisy for that matter.  FI doesn't speak a lick of Mandarin - does she talk smack about that?  How can she consider him to be "her kind" if he doesn't speak her language?  I would think an elitist like her (i.e. "who could he bring HER into OUR store?) would care enough to teach FI Mandarin, especially since she spent so much time with him as a child.

buttaflai

Totally off topic, but dream, your sig pic is too cute. H and I were going to be a bee & beekeeper for halloween this year, but he ended up being a bee and I was a flower.

dreamincitrus

Oh thank you! That was actually from last year, and we went to 6th street for Halloween (that's the popular club street in downtown Austin) and people would NOT stop taking pics of us! This year we were actually Jon and Kate. We couldn't resist the temptation. But yeah, we're totally corny in that we like to match every Halloween.

MissAngel

It is really annoying and you have to just ignore the elders that have become so caddy... This happened to me before... but only I'm Vietnamese.  The Vietnamese person had assumed that I was Japanese and started to talk about me right in front of me!  I didn't say anything back as I figured I had more class than that and when she found out later, because my aunt (who is white) worked for this lady, she was utterly embarrassed.  I just don't understand why people have to be so ignorant.

kitsune143

wow. I am so sorry to hear that.

I am also caucasian with a chinese FI. Thankfully though, everyone on both sides of the family have been nothing but supportive - although I was prepared for a reaction like that.

Its sad that people still make a fuss over things like that. I am sorry that you experienced that.

Theresa626

HOnestly, the next time you see her, you need to start up a conversation with her in mandarin.  Even if it's at the wedding.  It might make her rethink her steps. 

vitamint

Hug... that sucks.  Be confident in FI's love for you!  I am also white/ blonde and FI is ABC.  We go to his favorite chinese restaurant in DC and the wait staff treats him like a king and is so rude to me.... once the waitress flat out said to me he needs chinese girl, it is cultural thing and I am too old for him.  Its become a joke.  They talk about me in mandarin- i know very little- about as much as a 2 year old- but when someone is talking about you- in any language - and pointing at you it is not that hard to figure out how they really feel.  We just laugh it off.  I would probably mention it to her in mandarin, that you overheard her and know what she said. I would also tell her she hurt FI's feelings. My asian GFs and FI always tell me chinese people are very direct so be direct back... on the other hand I have had many chinese peole be so kind and complimentive (is that a word?) to me- saying how beautiful I am, how pretty myhair is- it makes up for all of the nastygrams! 

lynlovesjoe

yeah, we get that often, except he does speak chinese since he was born in taiwan and I don't because I have a hearing disability and it was hard enough to learn english as a child!
But when I  went to taiwan there was a evil looking old woman glaring at me the whole time we were waiting to get on the plane, and then this white guy started staring us down too, and I started asking him what he wants and he just kept staring at me and then his gf started staring too. At least Taiwan I can expect people to stare, but in SF? really? It's friggin CA!

I have also had chinese woman who have lived here long enough say that my man is so lucky to have found a beautiful golden haired girl. so that's nice. And Wai-Po (grandma)  and Ye-Ye (grandpa) likes me and thinks I am beautiful, so as long as they are cool, it's all good.