advice on sharing holidays

bonniebrett

so, i thought it would be easy for us jews, since our holidays usually have 2 nights of celebration. 2 months ago, I asked my mom and FMIL to think about what night they wanted to host Rosh Hashana dinner. Both told me it would too early to think about. Then within a day of each other, they both decided to host Saturday night. Hosting for my mom is at her house, the night before will be at our family friend's house. Hosting for FI's family is at a family friend's house. The first night, then have no plans. I know it would hurt my mother not to go when she is hosting, but if we go to my mom's the second night, then we aren't celebrating at all the first night. FI doesn't want to go to my family both nights (I don't blame him). If we switch, and do my family friend on Friday, and his on Saturday, then my family gets very minimal time, because his other family friend does a big lunch on Saturday, and FI doesn't want to miss it. But going to that, and Saturday dinner at his house, means leaving my parents right after dinner on Friday, or first thing Saturday... having spent a few hours at my parents, and an entire day plus at his. Also factored in, is we are spending Thanksgiving with his family this year, even though it falls on my dad's birthday, because we did Thanksgiving with my family last year. Sorry this is long, and probaby confusing.  Any advice or similar problems?Thanks.

slbriz34

It's all about compromise.  If you are spending your dad's bday with his family because it's Thanksgiving, then he can spend more time with your family than perhaps he'd like. I'd go to your mom's, however not the family friend's the night before if that's mostly your family (then it's a bit much) and I'd definitely skip the big lunch Saturday - you can do that another year and, no offense, if you are tip-toeing around issues, than immediate family should come before family friends (or FI can go on his own to this too).  Explain the situation to your FMIL and please tell them you'd like to spend time with them but can only do so if they switch the date.  If you are wanted there, then they can change the date - or your FI can go on his own, you aren't bound at the hip.Buttom line, get them both on the phone and work something out - leave friends of family out for this year (or opt to see them over Chanukah).  Otherwise, you both might have to do family duties on your own, which I think couples should sometimes opt to do if it makes things easier for everyone.GL.

silversparks

Um wow, my head is kind of spinning but if I'm following everything correctly, what I see is that you're trying to divide your time exactly 50-50, or as close as possible. You didn't mention if everyone is local or what the distance might be (it looks like you're all close together). I get that spending the holidays with your families is important to both you and FI and there is a chance of bruised feelings if you choose one family over the other. I'm guessing what you mean by "hosting" is that this is when the big family get-together is supposed to happen. Advice: I don't think that 50-50 is a good long-term strategy (you'll end up in this situation trading Thanksgiving for Rosh Hashana for Passover for birthdays every year). Since no one has plans the first night, could you host both sets of parent yourselves then and go to your mom's for the second night? I would be more inclined to go to your actual relative's house than the family friend. I think as long as you approach it as "we really want to spend time with both families, what's the best way for us to do this" on an on-going basis, the hurt feelings can be kept to a minimum. Hope this helps :~

tenofcups4me

Who are you breaking the fast with on Yom Kippur? Since the holidays are so close, if you celebrate both with family, I'd consider doing one of those holidays with his family and one with yours rather than trying to see everyone the week before at Rash Hashana. Growing up, we always did Rosh Hashana with my mother's side and Yom Kippur with my father's side. Just another option...

Shoshie

You have my sympathy. We're in the same boat -- but add in that some of my family is here, some is in Chicago and all of his is here. We are doing Friday night at my aunt's (I think), saturday after services with his parents (I think).Yom Kippur we will be in Chicago -- my mom for Kol Nidre, my dad for the day of. We've had to switch off holidays and we made it clear that we love everyone ... but we just won't be able to be with everyone at every holiday. Last passover we were here, next year we are in Chicago. In the future, when we have kids, we aren't doing this.... and hope that our families can come to our house for one meal of one holiday -- but it is hard when everyone ends shul at different times.

bonniebrett

Thanks all. It's just tough no matter how you slice it. We are spending a lot of time with FI's family this year, Yom Kippur and Thanksgiving, so I won't feel guilty about spending more time over Rosh Hashana with my family. Once we have a house, we'll try to host sometimes, so we can invite both families... hopefully that will go over!

alinaandjared

we have fought this battle every year for 3 years- its so difficult. my family is in albany ny and his on long island, about 3 hours apart and we end up spending more time driving than actually with our families. We got lucky this year as RH falls 3 days after we return from our honeymoon so I have nixed traveling to either set of parents by inviting them over to our apartment-- and they are each going to be making a course (they just don't know this yet ) I agree with PPs who say to switch holidays- one with one family the other with the other....