vent: rabbi (long)

signingjulie

this is something that I haven't completely gotten out of my brain and I wanted to get your thoughts. The rabbi who is officiating our wedding has been FI's "family" rabbi for the past 20 or so years. He's pretty close to FI's parents. FI's dad recently passed away, and he went above and beyond (IMO) what a normal rabbi would do, ie he visited his dad in the hospital/hospice, came over to the house at 11:30 p.m. on a Saturday (the night he died) to help out with stuff, etc. Part of the deal with him marrying us is that we get a free year at his temple (which FI's mother and sister/brother in law belong to) the goal of which is to get us to join. We've sort of started "shul shopping" and have some issues with this particular temple. One (for me) that it's Reform and I grew up Conservative, another is with the cantor (we don't like her). We were talking to the rabbi after services last Fri. night and he mentioned there was a Sunday School teaching position available. I said I can't do it bc I started teaching at another temple which I'm not affiliated with but who was looking for teachers and got back to me first. So the rabbi said something along the lines of, "but you're not even affiliated with them, and you're going to end up joining here, right?" at which point I said I don't know, we're still looking around, etc., to which he responded "you're not going to take Stuart (FI) away from his family's temple, who have given him so much? etc etc" laying on this huge guilt trip. not to mention this was out in the open at temple. we ended the conversation by saying we would be happy to discuss it at our next pre-marital meeting. this now leaves me with an icky taste in my mouth and an awkward feeling about this rabbi. I really liked him before, but that exchange really bothered me. Now I feel like the next time FI and I meet with him, we will be obligated to discuss it and it will be really awkward.

Danaz1

If you and your fiance are in agreement that you want to find a shul that you are both comfortable make sure you convey this to his mother and then to the Rabbi i am sure he will be okay with it if your Fiance and his family back you up.

slbriz34

I don't think visiting the sick and attending the hospice, etc. etc. is necessarily above and beyond a rabbi duty - I know many rabbis who would, especially if it's a long time friend and congregant.  But that's a side topic. It was inappropriate for him to have any discussion with you in public, and also inappropriate for him to mention positions, etc. like he did - unless you had told him you were interested or you have a close enough relationship with him to have such discussions (I am very close to my rabbi but he would never discuss personal matters like that in front of others). But the icing was definitely the "guilt trip."  Frankly, I say avoid the topic and if prompted, just say you are stressed with wedding, etc. etc. and once the nuptials are done, more thought will be made regarding membership.  Then after the ceremony, you and FI - both adults - can do what you want. If it's that important for him to officiate, then you'll have to make the best of it.  Otherwise (or if it were me and there was time), I'd look for someone else and have the family deal with it; but I'm guessing that won't work. So that's my suggestion; avoid the topic, get through the wedding and then haul your butts outta there.  A rabbi that would worry more about membership and other matters than your comfort is not a good thing.  And I can relate to the cantor issue - fortunately, ours is only around during the major holidays and parts of winter (it was nice having him out for the summer, now I'm gearing up for his long, winded singing - oy).

signingjulie

slbriz - you pretty much hit the nail on the head.  joining that Temple is not completely out - we get a free year there so we'll give it a chance (memberships aren't cheap).  we're going to end up keeping this rabbi for the wedding - I think FI's dad would have wanted us to. the whole thing just bothered me because I really liked the guy, both as a rabbi and a person, as far as I knew. anyway, thanks for the advice

jewishmilitarybride

seems like his rabbi means well, but it is coming across as very salesy. all this guilt reminds me of those things you hear about catholics :P

JRenee

I have a slightly different take... 1. Mentioning a position would be a nice thing to do if he'd known you were looking. He could have known this through you or any member of your FI's family. 2. If the family have been members of the congregation for a long time, then it may feel like you're taking family away. My family travels 45 minutes to come to services at our synagogue because they want to be with family 3. If this rabbi has been a friend of the family, then he may be speaking to you as a friend, not just a rabbi --- it's a fine line. Now that I married a cantor and have several rabbi friends, I can understand how it really is a fine line between what you'd say to a congregant vs. a friend 4. While you and your FI will have to decide where to worship together, one consideration usually is where do your families worship (if you're living in an area where you grew up) not sure if I phrased everything nicely, but it is a different take.