family question long I am sorry

Rebecca Toriello

I hope this isn't too personal for the knot ,but it's real life, and i feel like i need feedback here. I have not spoken to the Rabbi about this yet.I am debating if i should invite my 1/2 brother & sister who i was raised with to my wedding because on 10/3/09 at my nieces wedding they both misbehaved. My brother announced several times loudly at the rehersal dinner that I was going to hell because I dont worship jesus...(and yes he was very drunk) it was very embarrasing for my FI and I and I wanted to leave, but my FI is a photographer and he was doing the wedding for free, so we stayed for my nieces and her FI sake. My FI and I both remained silent because it would have fueled the situation and the preacher redirected my brother. Now my sister and her crew insulted our nieces dress& her husband& and the grooms mother. I have only been to like 4 weddings , but I would think that this is unaccpetable behavior, and i do not want any incidents at my wedding 10/10/10.  Over 60% of our guests and family are Jewish. My brother's wife is my MOH!. A week after the wedding of his daughter I spoke with my brother and he said he was drunk, and I told he that those were his true feelings that the alcohol just made it come out of his mouth more freely; I told him that I do not want any incidents at my wedding he assured me he would behave and that he was deeply sorry; and explained to him he doesn't have to agree with other people's beliefs but there needs to be a level of respect. Before this incident we were going to have an open bar now I am thinking about doing  2  alcohol drink tickets per adult; I havent even spoken to my sister  and her children regarding their rude/crude comments; My neice was hurt by their comments and embarrssed by her fathers behavior; i don't understand why some people just can't be happy. My friend Tamar says I shouldn't invite them to my wedding, but they are family. I really hope no one else has to worry about these things. And no I dont want to elope!

alinaandjared

You are certainly not the first one to be going through family situations like this. I disagree that "alcohol tickets" are the solution. If you want to scale down on liquor consumption than have open bar at cocktail hour and have wine service with dinner but giving your guests TICKETS to exchange for 2 drinks is tacky. That being said, you should not have to deal with this sort of behavior at your own wedding. Do you have problems with your sister as well or just your brother's outburst? Can your brother's wife keep him in line? If she is your MOH I imagine she is close enough for you to be able to discuss this with her? Tell her that it hurt you that he said this, whether he meant it or not, but that you are going to have a lot of special people at your wedding, family and friends, who come from various religions and you would really hate to have your brother ruin YOUR night as well as your guests'. Hopefully this was a one time instance, you have not specified if he has a reoccuring problem of drinking and acting inappropriately. Good luck!

Rebecca Toriello

Thanks for your feedback i do agree drink tickets sound tacky i was just trying to come up with a solution. My sister and her grown children were insulting at  our nieces wedding 10/09 they insulted the gown, the location, the groom and the grooms mother by calling her a racist, and my sister in law(brothers wife) expained to my sister she is not a racist and the African American guests are her good friends. In case you are wondering we have mixed family some are dark and some are lilly white like me. I am 10 years younger than my sister so we have very little in common;  Can your brother's wife keep him in line? She really tries she knew i and my Fi was hurt very badly; she was deeply embarrassed by his behavior as was eveyone present, but she has little control when he gets like that.He was NEVER a DRINKER until he was laid off from work for almost a year i think he was depressed and thats why he started to drink alot. He is now working; i think he is drinking less hopefully he is drinking less. I really want to enjoy my wedding and not be a nervous wreck that my family will misbehave. i am so worried I didn't even ask the local Rabbi where we attend to officiate just in case they misbehave.

alinaandjared

Considering your earlier post about finding a Rabbi, I think if you have a Rabbi where you attend already, then you should ask him. I know of a few stores that sell ducttape for your brother Sit him in the back. Either way, he wouldn't have been drinking before the ceremony anyway so if this is strictly alcohol related activity, he should be ok during the ceremony. Would sitting down with the siblings that have offended you and others help or just bring up a family feud? Maybe you could explain to them how much you love your FI and desire a beautiful wedding however you are concerned about some things that have come up before. Give them a choice of either acting as adults or not inviting them. Or, just don't invite them. I imagine that fued would be worse than sitting down and talking to them.

silversparks

I agree with Alina (and your second thoughts) about the drink tickets. I have family who is in AA - we gave the bartender pictures of those who should not be drinking and arranged with other trusted friends to keep their eyes on them and intervene as necessary.Your wedding isn't for another year, and if there's one thing I've learned from the knot is how much relationships with family and friends can change over the course of that year before the wedding. I suggest talking to both your brother and sister (as you've already done with your brother) and let them know that as much as it would mean for them to be with you on your special day, such behaviour is making you think twice about including them. But there's no need to  rush into any decisions now, remember your invitations don't have to go out for at least another 7 months!

Rebecca Toriello

Thanks  Alina and Deborah; I can't imagine having this conversation with the Chabad Rabbi. I converted Conservative and he would want me to convert Orthodox; I am not even seen in his eyes as a Jew. I am not Orthodox and I am fine with that. I can even imagine having my family in an Orthox shul. who doesn't have body piercings and tatoos etc oye. Besides I dont want to have my wedding there because all the food will have to be Kosher very far to bring kosher food and expensive no mixed dancing and the majority of the people coming to my wedding are just fine with having a fish dish out

Rebecca Toriello

Duck tape lol