Future MIL issues! Please help!

hklinger

My wedding is is going to be taking place where I grew up so my family and I have taken the reins on the planning and but have always keep the in-laws in the loop with the plans, but haven't exactly expressed any interest in the planning. The whole time my parents have said that they want to make me a nice but not over the top wedding. So to bring you up to speed, my parents have asked the in laws for some financial help with the wedding (pretty much to cover the costs of their guests). At this point, they have not accepted or declined my family's request. My future MIL keeps on saying she wants to have an out of town dinner and brunch the next morning. This is a nice gesture, but not necessary ( and frankly not all that expensive). We are trying to convey to her that there will not be that many OOT guests from either side and we rather she just contribute the money that she would spend on the food towards the wedding. Even my FI has conveyed to her this that he doesn't want any dinners or a brunch. Please help!

slbriz34

Seems that you and your parents have done what you can - you can try having a talk with FI's parents again, but imho, he should take the reins here since it's his parents and his knows how to deal with them better than you do. If that's their way of avoiding the topic and it appears they don't want to contribute, then you and your parents will either have to look to cut spending or, since your side is footing the bill, you'll have to excise a few guests on FI's side - it's only fair. But try again and be sure to kind of suggest this - maybe that'll get them up and going.  Sorry and good luck.

Rachiemoo

I don't think it is their responsibility to pay. If they offer than that is great, but I don't think you should expect them to. The only thing you can do is try to get a yes or no answer as per what your parents have already asked them to contribute and then take it from there. If they aren't going to give you guys $ for the wedding then you'll have to figure out how to pay for it with what you have to work with.

MoFree

Sorry if this is not the response you want to hear but it is not your inlaws' obligation to pay for your wedding. You and your parents should plan the wedidng you can easily afford and not ask for/expect their help. It may not be something they are comfortable with or something that is done in their circle of friends. That does mean, howeve,r that you can limit the number of guests they get to invite. My MIL is in a much, much better financial situatiion than my parents and I regret accepting her help in paying for the wedding. The old adage "there is no free lunch" certainly applies in my situation.

signingjulie

agree with the pp's. you know I love you (we're friends IRL) but you're not really supposed to ask FI's parents for financial help with the wedding. If they offer it's one thing, but that's it. If you want to talk about it more, let me know.

Shoshie

We asked ILs for help (the idea of only the bride's side paying I believe is archaic). However, they offered to take care of the expenses for the things we didn't necessarily want (open bar, elaborate centerpieces and favors).So they really weren't helping at all.They did pay for the RD, though.

Rebecca Toriello

Sorry dear but it is not your in laws job to pay for the wedding. If they help it's nice. Now on the other hand if they are demanding that certain things be done and it is beyond your budget just respectfully decline then if they want to pay they will. If not do what you can afford.My friend Stephy had very demanding future in laws they wanted everything fancy and expensive, but they didnt help with the bill her and her parents paid for the wedding very expensive. I am sorry times are hard everyone is not rich and families are working together more to pay for things. My neice just got married her parents and her mother in law paid for the wedding; they split the expenses.My mother is deceased and my father is elderly and lives on a fixed income. My Fi and I are paying for our own wedding his mother already told us she wasnt helping us with the wedding which is fine with me because I want things the way I want them; She agreed to pay for the rehersal dinner

alinaandjared

I agree with Shoshie- having only the brides parents pay is absolutely archaic. HOWEVER, if it is not archaic for your inlaws then you are SOL. That being said, I agree that it is your FI's job to discuss finances with his family. Traditionally, FIs parents pay for a RD. My parents invited the inlaws over to our home and to show them the options for our wedding location- during that first meeting they discussed finances and DH's family agreed to spend $5000 whether it be on a rehearsal dinner or what have you. They did not contribute directly for the Aufruf which took place at my congregation, the luncheon afterward, or donations for the rabbis funds. The $ they did graciously give was enough to cover the rehearsal dinner for about 50 at a chinese restaurant + the alcohol and desserts that were brought in + the cost of most of their guests, but by no means all of them, Our parents have a good relationship and we were completely left out of the finances, MIL and my mom talk probably a few times a month but it was more frequent when we were planning- inlaws paid as the bills came in that needed to be paid and that worked. My parents knew from the getgo how much help they would be getting, we decided on the things DH and I would be paying for, and my parents budgeted from there. I agree with PPs- if they have not offered to contribute, then you tell them they can invite XX guests, and that you need the names and addresses by such and such date. If later on they offer to give you extra $, then consider it either a blessing that your parents can use this to cut their costs (or you and FI to cut yours) OR you can use that extra money to splurge on things you otherwise would not have.

jewishmilitarybride

though in many cultures traditionally the bride or brides family pays for the wedding, i think in modern times it can be a mix of bride and groom, brides family and/or grooms family. with this said, this should be sorted out in the very early stages of wedding planning: who is contributing and how much.if you are in the middle of wedding planning, it is not ok to say 'we budgeted for 150 people and since 70 of those are your friends, we now want money for it.' that is not appropriate. you should consider cutting your guest list (on both sides equally) if your financial goal for the wedding cannot be met. keep in mind some brides and grooms pay for weddings entirely themselves so asking anyone for money should never be expected, but simply appreciated if they can.

Rachiemoo

i just wanted to add that i don't think that only the bride's parents should pay, but just that you should not necessarily expect any parents to pay, but if they offer to then that is great!

TheBachelorette

I agree with Shoshie too. If your in-laws are inviting people to the wedding, even their family, I don't think it is your family's responsibility to pay for it.  I am much more moden in thinking that either you and your fiance should be paying or you should have discussed with the in-laws before hand what they planned on making financially as a contribution to the wedding.  The notion that the bride's family should pick up the whole tab is very outdated in my opinion.  If your FMIL does not want to contribute financially to the wedding, then limit the number of guests she can invite to bring the figures back into a range your family can afford.  If she really wants to invite those people, she can pay from them herself.

bonniebrett

I think it's really no one's obligation to pay for the wedding. And based on what I'm reading on the Nov board, most weddings have lower budgets, and the couple is footing the bill. So we're all lucky if someone is willing to throw us one (i'm sure you know that already). As for your IL's, it would be nice to have them pay some money towards the wedding, but on the other hand, it will be nice not to have to listen to another set of opinions. if someone is contributing to the wedding, it's just another person who's wants and needs you need to address! overall, i think it will make things less stressful.

Danaz1

my inlaws actually offered to pay for some of the wedding and the rehersal. They also payed for a bunch of little things like the kippahs and some deserts. If they hadn't offered I would not have asked.

tenofcups4me

I can see asking if they will contribute, but not asking them to contribute if that fine line makes any difference. But since they've already said they will pay for things you don't even want, I see nothing wrong with thanking them for offering, letting them know you really don't want a dinner or brunch, but if they want, that money could be very helpful with the actual wedding expenses. And maybe it's just my crowd, but I was always under the impression that in Jewish weddings, the groom's parents traditionally did pay for more than what seems to be more standard in gentile weddings. But that could just be the people I know...

hklinger

I wanted to say I really appreciate everyone's comments, but I have to agree with ten the most. In my opinion, when two Jewish people are getting married it is usually the tradition, and the mensch thing to do is for both sides to pay. I really hope I didn't sound like a spoiled brat (bc I'm not!) But possibly I need to clarify some things. If the ILs didn't already offer to pay for some things, we would have never have asked them for some money. Also, since I think the whole tradition of the bride's family has to pay for the wedding is ridiculous, (after all it is half their son's wedding too!) Also, I don't think that my FILs should be under the impression that we are going to pay for everything, especially their guests! My whole point was that id they are offering to pay some things, why not pay for where the money is needed the most? In my opinion, if they are already going to spend money it shouldn't matter, how they money is spent.

alinaandjared

while I agree with you for the most part except for that last bit...if they are already spending money it should not depend what its going for. I disagree and so would my mother, a lot. It most certainly does. If their dream/desire was to have a huge rehearsal dinner, or see his son come down in a horse drawn carriage or any other crazy thing people like to spend $ on, then they should have the right to at least suggest it. My parents set a budget for the wedding, knowing how much the inlaws were contributing. If DH and I asked for $XY,000 for a downpayment rather than a weddin celebration, my parents would say no and they had clearly told us that. Crazy to some, but thats the way it is. So, his parents may indeed want to contribute but they may not want to support spending $5,000 on flowers and thinking that the bride/you can get away with it because they agreed to fork over $5,000 towards the wedding. While I agree with you that if they are giving X number of dollars, it should first and foremost go to "covering" their own guests, they may also have an opinion as to how else the money is spent. What I have found from being on here for over 1.5 years is that for many people getting married, whomever forks the bill has the last say on what happens and that is one of many reasons some couples choose to pay for their own weddings so they do not have to ask anyone else what they want

lynniearudner

hi, im a little late to this board. i think a lot of what people have said is relevant and true: especially the idea that only the brides family should pay is archaic, that you cant directly ask for help from in laws, etc HOWEVER, i think that your ILs are trying to show you guys something -- although maybe not as graciously as you might hope. it seems to me that you MIL is interested in contributing, but she is interested in contributing to things that SHE has some say in/control over. the Brunch and OOT dinner seems to fit the bill for that. i get the impression from you post that much of the rest of it is already planned, and i can see how she might not want to give money to somewhere that the decisions are already made (and have been made by someone who isnt her!) i dont know exactly the order of events here, but i think that if you were to ask her to contribute (after she offered) to a specific thing (like music or flowers or whatever) and then allow her to be the "lead organizer" of that thing, you might be able to solve the problem. you would get help where you needed it, and she wouldnt feel like she was just blindly throwing money into a pot. i dont know if that helps, but i hope you find some common ground.

bonniebrett

i actually have not heard (or seen) in the jewish tradition that the costs are shared between both families. and i've been to weddings on all ends of the spectrum.

signingjulie

this is totally unrelated, but lynnie: I LOVE your bouquet!

silversparks

I agree with much that has already been said, but want to definitely support what Lynnie wrote - I would bet that your FMIL is offering to pay for the OOT events because she wants to have a sense of ownership over part of the wedding. We were in a very similar situation to yours, I got married where I grew up, with my family taking control of the planning since myself, DH, and ILs were all OOT. ILs hosted the aufruf at DH's congregation, and planned the whole thing without consulting anyone except DH (in fact they seemed quite miffed that my parents were even going to show up, let alone that they might want to participate in the service). Fast forward to the wedding, they had a tiny guest list, and although we kept them in the loop about the plans and they definitely had opinions about what they wanted, they still said they felt left out. But the aufruf was "theirs". My ILs did make arrangements with my parents before we started planning - my parents strongly fall into the category that it's the parents job to pay for the wedding (we paid for the ketubah, rings, kippot & benchers) - each side paid for their guests and then they split the costs that were for everyone (band, photographer, etc.) - that's just what they worked out. As a result, yes we did try to consider everyone's preferences in the planning process, as it was a celebration for our families not just us. Bottom line: you can say you prefer not to have OOT events, but at this point, it looks like your FMIL is not going to contribute towards the wedding, and there's nothing you can do to make her.

lynniearudner

haha, thanks! its the most recent "siggy challenge" on the October '10 board! i doubt my real one will be as big or fancy as that, but its a fun inspiration!

hklinger

First of Jul, you Would like that bouquet! Anyway, I have come to the conclusion that she has chosen to spend money at a dinner and at a brunch because she is the host. I think she feels like she has to do something to "show off" to her guests, which in my opinion is sad. Their guest list is also very small, and I also agree that it only fair for them to pay for their guests, since it doesn't look like she is going to blankly just give money for the wedding, as she feels, it wouldn't be acknowledged publicly. I think at this point, there is nothing else that we can do. Perhaps we should have had a sit down meeting with the families to discuss it all, and I guess we still could...but at this point, I'm not sure what else could be done.