Bat/bar mitzvah vs. weddings gifts

tenofcups4me

I'm curious how the gifts you give for bat or bar mitzvahs compare to gifts you give for weddings. I know we all give different amounts for wedding and other gifts, so I'm not asking exact amounts (though feel free to share that too!). What I'm curious about is if you tend to give more, less, or the same for a bar or bat mitzvah as for a wedding, assuming that the relationship is the same (e.g., for a niece's bat mitzvah vs. a niece's wedding).

I think I'm giving about the same amount for both, though I'm not really sure why. When I think about it, a bat or bar mitzvah is an actual "achievement," something a child has to study for and actually perform at, along with a rite of passage, while a wedding is really just a celebration of a life change. Using that reasoning, it would probably make sense to give more for a bat mitzvah, though on the flip side, I typically tend to think that adults "need" the money more than kids do. Although I do know that oftentimes bat mitzvah money is put aside for college, which is obviously a "need" to.

Anyway, I've clearly got some conflicting thoughts on this and was curious what others think about it.

october010bride

Assuming I am related/as close to the bar/bat as I am to the couple: I give just about half of the amount to the bar/bat then I would give to the newly married couple. Eventhough it is an accomplishment they are still only children and I can't fathom giving the same amount to both groups.... plus it would get REALLY expensive! Maybe when I'm older (only 27), more secure financially and have nieces/nephews who are going through it I'll give an closer amount to a wedding gift.  

Knottie_22381855

I give the same as I would for a wedding and always have.  A bar or bat mitzvah is as much of a mitzvah in the jewish religion as a wedding is and, at least in these parts, is celebrated to the same degree.

Rachiemoo

for family and close friends we give around $100 for bar/bat mitzvahs and around $250-$300 for weddings (or an equivalent of the above amounts in the form of a gift). my reasoning for this is that firstly, the wedding gift is for 2 people while the bar/bat mitzvah gift is for 1 person, so it makes sense to me that you would give more. also, weddings [in general] i think are usually more expensive affairs than bar or bat mitzvah, so I figure that the "cover your plate" rule would dictate that you should give more for weddings. if our financial situation was better, we would probably give more for bar/bat mitzvahs, but my husband has about 15 young cousins who have/will become bar/bat mitzvah and, because we feel that we should give them all a similar gift, we just can not really afford to give more than $100 right now.

BenandDina

Personally, I think you should always give what you can afford to do comfortably rather than a specific number.  Generally, we give more for weddings, though, than for a bar/bat mitzvah, as the former seems to be a more adult event, while the latter is a child's developmental milestone.  Certainly, the amount could be put away for college education, but I feel like I would want to give more for a wedding because adults seems to have more immediate material needs and are independent.

slbriz34

While there is work involved for a bar/bat mitzvah, I disagree that it's a rite of passage as a person automatically becomes bar/bat mitvahed whether or not he or she has a party or is called up to the Torah. And it's a mitvah to marry and to have a celebration, so both are just as important in Jewish life.  However, I think there is a big difference to giving a teenager large somes of money versus a newly married couple - especially an observant couple who could certainly use the funds to set up their home (eg. kosher kitchen). I most certainly would give more to a married couple, especially as the gift is for a two-person unit, then to one bar/bat mitzvah.  Just my two cents.

Knottie_22381855

I guess I think of it differently.  I don't think of it as money to pay for college or to set up a household, nor do I think it's my responsibility to help with those things.  It is a gift to celebrate a momentous occasion in someone's life - whether it's a Bar Mitzvah or a Wedding and I don't think one is more important than the other.Yes, you can be Bar Mitzvahed simply by being called to the Torah and not having a party, but, you can also get married without inviting people and having a big reception.  But, regardless of which occasion it is (wedding, Bar Mitzvah, bris, etc...), it is a mitzvah, if you are inviting people to witness the event, to have a seudat mitzvah, a festive meal.I also don't think of it as giving a large sum of money to a teenager.  I've never known parents who have handed over $20,000 in gifts to their 13 year old to spend as he or she wishes.

dmplz02

I pretty much was going to post exactly what october010bride wrote.

tenofcups4me

It's interesting to me that a few people have mentioned a wedding gift is for two people as opposed to one person for a bat mitzvah. In my mind, each of the gifts is for an event, not a person per se. I'm not saying anyone's wrong; that's just not the way I perceive it. For me, the most interesting thing is that when I started to write the original post, I thought I gave more for a wedding. But when I really thought about it, I realized I was giving about the same amounts and I didn't really expect that.

alinaandjared

Ditto Rachel- who ABTW lives in NYC and things outside of NYC tend to be a little different, IMO. We live in the Hartford, CT area and I grew up in upstate NY and FI on Long Island. For a wedding, we would give 200 for the 2 of us, more if its a family member however that has not been the case yet. For a bat or bar mitzvah we would probably give 100 dollars for various reasons as PPs have mentioned. When I was in the bat/bar mitzvah going stage I always gave $18. I know thats become $36 now for kids to give to other kids, or else it is in the jewish community here.

Shoshie

Bar Mitzvah: I do give less than for wedding, but it is based on how well I know the kid. $36-$40 if not very well; 54 if I know him or her well.  So double or triple chaiWedding: $68-$72 - four times chai or 50 + chai. Or if it is a family wedding, I'll go in with my aunt or parents and give a fairly large check

bonniebrett

rachiemoo - i've actually seen the opposite... or at least the more religous the jew, the less we received. this is based solely on people that are not coming to the wedding, but from the more religous side of the family, we got several gifts under $100, and even under $30... but we've only received $100+ from the less relgious people. part of the reason, i think, is that my dad's family is sephardic, and they invite 1,000 people to their weddings... meaning it's easier to make the cut, and people can attend a wedding a week. i haven't gone to a bar mitzvah in a while, not since i was included in my parent's gift. but i give minimum $200 for a wedding for me and FI... more if I'm closer with the couple.

Liz4444

for me, it depends on my relationship with the people involved.  typically, i would give more for a wedding than a bar mitzvah... but, i went to my very close friend's sons bar mitzvah and gave a much more generous present than i gave to my friend's brother when he got married (and i still think the only reason i was invited to that wedding was for the present).

Knottie_22381855

I do think geography/community plays a huge part in this.  I was Bat Mitzvahed 27 years ago and got some $36 gifts from other kids, but, from family, most gifts were over $100.  27 years ago. I will also tell you that when my best friend's son celebrated his communions (in central PA) I gave fairly close to what I would give for a Bar Mitzvah and she called me and told me that I was insane and tripled most other gifts.  I couldn't have imagined giving less than I did for reaching a religious milestone.

alinaandjared

a. I wrote FI, oops- I meant DH b. ABTW = btw but typed quickly at work c. I too think its ok to give what you received. Would you believe that my mom asked for a list of the amounts received from our family friends that have unmarried kids? I can't say I blame them. People here all tend to give the same amount, people in circles talk because no one whats to look like they are outdoing another nor that they stubbed someone. I definitely think that gifts should be from the heart, with people giving what they can afford but I see my mom's point too. 2 married couples at our wedding gave exactly what we gave them, and I think thats fine. Their parents gave what my parents gave. LBJ- wow 27 years ago people were giving 36 bucks and over 100 from family? WOW thats really, a lot. How much was a gallon of milk or a pair of average jeans back then? I also agree with whomever pointed out that jewish people give more than nonjewish totally agree.

MoFree

I've only attended one Bar Mitzvah, the son of one of the partners DH works with, and we gave him $118 plus a donation to a charity that means a lot to the family. I am more likely to give more to a couple than to a 13 year old child, though. I think the amount people give is dependent on the region of the country as well as their financial situation and what is the norm in thei rcrowd. Do you think Jews also "expect" more generous gifts than non-Jews do, since we are generalizing?

Knottie_22381855

Alina - my mother does the same thing - asks what so and so gave me and does something equivalent. I swear, I don't mean this in a negative way and I don't want to offend anyone, but, I've never really understood the "give what you can afford" answer.  I guess I get it if you live on a very strict budget with every dollar accounted for every month and giving an extra $50 means you can't pay your mortgage that momth, but, other than that, I don't really understand it.

alinaandjared

LBR- right now, an extra $50 would mean a week without groceries....

Knottie_22381855

Alina - I swear, I wasn't trying to offend!  As I said, if you live on a tight budget, I totally understand!  But, the "give what you can afford" is an answer that is given all the time, all over the boards, and outside of a budget situation, I think the answer, not the action, is many people's way of not committing to an answer.

slbriz34

I don't think being a Jew or non-Jew has any bearing on amount of gift given.  I know generous Jews and very frugal ones, and vice versa.And the same argument with geographic location - I live in NYC and attend lots of parties, that doesn't mean I'm going to give a 12/13 year old hundreds of dollars - that's just ridiculous.  I personally think there's much too much excess and folks have an expectation of getting "big sums" for every event thrown.  Even if money wasn't an issue, I'm not for giving a youngster a big check like that; if I did, I might be more inclined to do so in the form of a bond or something that could be used for the future and not wasted in one sitting.  Just my opinion, but I think we walk a slippery slope when we start to generalize.

alinaandjared

slbriz, I totally agree about the "what is the kid going to do with $150" I also wonder, is this going to be spent on a fad purchase and be forgotten about or spent on something memorable. I gave 1/2 of my bat mitzvah money to my parents and the other half I spent for a summer in ramah (it covered like, 1 week). Our wedding money is being saved for our first home. I think a bond is a great way to give a generous gift but also to give a gift of value. I also didn't mean to offend when I commented about NYC, I guess it just seems that things are always bigger in NY (I go there quite frequently). Weddings cost a lot more and thus some people give bigger checks, probably based on the "cover your plate" trend.

Knottie_22381855

As I said, I guess I don't see it as giving the kid that some of money. My Bat Mitzvah gifts went to my parents.  They gave me $100 to spend on something I wanted and I didn't see the rest of it.  In fact, being totally honest, my parents bought a car with my Bat Mitzvah gifts.  Now, before everyone jumps and says how awful that is, I never wanted for anything.  When it came time for college, my parents paid, so, what did it matter.  As a family, at that time, we needed a car.  When I needed things, they provided.  It makes perfect sense to me.  So, when I give a cousin a $300 gift for her Bat Mitzvah, I never think that it's going into her bank account to spend on iTunes. The bonds I got sat in a safe deposit box and, when I got my first job, I cashed them in and bought my first car.

yaldahma

Gift should be Jewish themed...That only matters I think...  bat mitzvah gifts