Bedeken

caraellen23

Hi ladies,  I may have mentioned before that there is some debate about my doing a bedeken.  Can someone please explain the tradition a bit more to me? What exactly does it symbolize?  How long does it take?  Is there any way this can be done either completely before the ceremony (the veil is lowered and lifted before the processional) or is it possible do lower the veil at the start of the ceremony under the chuppah (or maybe right in front)?

Basically, I am somewhere in between reform and conservative.  We are being married by my conservative cantor cousin, and our conservative/reconstructionist rabbi.  Our wedding is not in a synagogue.  My cousin is basically insisting that I do a bedeken after the ketubah signing, however I have a strong gut feeling against being walked down the aisle with a veil covering my face.  I am appreciative and respectful of tradition, but I cannot seem to be okay with this.  Its not a vanity thing, its just a personal thing.  Perhaps more information and understanding will help.  Thanks!

Jeni35

The Bedeken is symbolic and well used, especially in conservative weddings. Btw, your wedding does not have to be at a temple to be Jewish and significant. I see nothing wrong with being veiled for the ceremony. Even in different religions, the bride is usually veiled until she kisses the groom. This also takes just a few minutes and can be done right after the ketubah signing and before the actual ceremony. 

"The Bedeken, the veiling ceremony, follows the signing of the Ketubah. By lowering the veil over his bride’s face himself, the groom ensures that he is marrying the right woman, and is not making the same mistake as our forefather Jacob, who was tricked into marrying Leah instead of her sister, Rachel.  Also, by “dressing” his bride with a veil, the groom sets her apart from all others." (this is how we listed the info in our program)

Rachiemoo

Here is a good explanation of the tradition:

http://www.chabad.org/library/howto/wizard_cdo/aid/476765/jewish/Badeken-Veiling.htm

talgirl84

Since you're not ultra-orthodox, your veil will not be solid but transcluent. You will be able able to see everyone and everyone will be able to see you.

Traditionally the bedeken and the veiling ceremony is where the bride and groom see each other for the first time. I'm having photos taken with the groom before the ceremony but we are still having a bedeken. I was at my future brother in law's wedding and he and his bride didn't see each other until the veiling ceremony. Their faces were priceless when they saw each other for the first time.

caraellen23

Thanks for the info!  We are taking all our pictures before the ketubah signing, so we'll do a "first look" with our photographer earlier in the day.  We'll pretty much be together most of the day and the will start the ketubah signing about 30 minutes before we're supposed to walk down the aisle.

slbriz34

We did our picture before and still had a bedeken and it was meaningful for us.  It's a small thing and you'll be glad you did it (rather than not doing so and wishing you had)...

caraellen23

Thanks! I've heard its a beautiful ceremony.  Can it be done in front of the chuppah at the start of the ceremony?  That way the whole congregation can participate? (We have a lot of non-jews coming who might enjoy it.)

I hope my questions aren't offensive.  I'm just really struggling with this and trying to find an understanding or a way to reconcile this in my head so I'm okay with everything on the wedding day.

Musicheals71

My brother and his wife did the bedeken before the ketubah signing, and only immediate family witnessed it.  I'll probably be doing it the same way.

tenofcups4me

My understanding of the veiling is very different from what's been posted here. Years ago, I remember readiang it was so that the bride goes as if blind to the groom, who will lead her and take care of her. I've also read mostly about how it indicated modesty, which I think is a more common interpretation.

In any case, I'm not sure that I've ever seen a bride walk with a veil over her face at a reform wedding.

I personally am strongly against it. I can say with certainty I would not put a veil over my face for any reason and in any circumstances. Frankly, I find the "modesty" associated with the veil to be a lesser version on the continuum of the kind of thinking that leads women to wear coverings over their face in their day-to-day life.  I guess like anything else you can find a way to put a positive spin on it, but I think its origins are far from positive.

vlevitt

we did a tisch and bedekken ceremony before the chuppah and it was absolutely beautiful. we invited all our guests to attend, and some did, while others did not.  if you have the space and time to have a bedekken, i highly recomend it.  

this was done in a seperate room, and it was the first time DH and i saw each other.  as pp said, it was a priceless and amazing moment, especially with so many of our friends and family present.  this is where we signed the ketubah and civil license before the formal veiling.  just as my husband veiled me with the "ceremonial headgear" as our rabbi put it, i put a new wedding kippah on him. at my sister's wedding a few months ago, she chose not to wear a veil, but they still had a bedekken moment, where the bride and groom saw each other for the first time, and signed the ketubah in front of all the guests.  it was also beautiful and meaningful.

and tenofcups4me:  i can certainly understand why you wouldn't want to have a veil.  my sister didn't have one, as she also did not like what the veil represented to her.  as for me, it really was meaningful, and i chose to see it as part of the wedding ceremony that connected me to past generations of women, amongst other spiritual reasons.  at the bedekken, our rabbi noted that the veil has both a troublesome and a beautiful history, which i appreciated.  i chose to think of it as beautiful and loved having it on.

i think it's fine for you to have your negative opinions about wearing a veil, but you should keep in mind that for some people it has very meaningful and positive connotations.

tenofcups4me

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_jewish-weddings_bedeken?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:399Discussion:1a8bdffe-cf72-4cc9-99e0-cdee7cd3f754Post:580a6a91-9e9c-4f12-80c5-271d221eaf88">Re: Bedeken</a>:
[QUOTE]  i chose to think of it as beautiful and loved having it on. i think it's fine for you to have your negative opinions about wearing a veil, but you should keep in mind that for some people it has very meaningful and positive connotations.
Posted by vlevitt[/QUOTE]

Thanks for the rap on the knuckles, but I don't think I really need a reminder that the majority of posters on this board seem to be trending very conservative these days. I answered from my own perspective--as everyone else did. You're free to find it meaningful just as I'm free to find it misogynistic.

caraellen23

Thanks for the responses, its been interesting to see both sides of the debate.  We are meeting with our rabbi on June 27th and our cantor on July 11th.  I'm hoping that through our conversations with both of them, we can all come to an arrangement that everyone is comfortable with.  I think I am more with tenofcups in thinking right now, but I feel like if someone can share something with me that makes me feel more comfortable with the tradition, I would consider doing the bedeken.  Though our wedding is being performed by two conservative officiants, its really skewing more reform I think.  We are doing some traditions, like the ketubah, chuppah, glass breaking and yichud.  But we are not circling, having benchers, etc. 

Tenofcups - I sent you a PM.

tenofcups4me

Cara, I just responded! (Sorry to derail, but I'm pretty sure you don't get any notification so I didn't know any other way to tell you I responded.)

Jeni35

I am not sure how you can be married by Conservative officiants; but sway more towards Reform. Well, I can understand it; but then why not choose a Reform rabbi and your cousin can still be cantor? I also think that we are influenced that the veiling is misogynistic because we are confusing it with women of the Muslim faith who are covered (most by their own choice by the way). I don't find it degrading. My veil is sheer; so I can see through it and it is a symbol that I am with my soon to be husband and he is with me. 

Either way, you need to make the decision that is right for you! There are not enough Jewish brides on here to cause a strife!

parker624

Our rabbi (conservative) gave a really nice reason for why I wear the veil;  he said it was about coming together in marriage but keeping our own identities, hence a sheer veil between us.  It is fluid and translucent, so we can change and grow together, but that it is a reminder to keep our separate interested and independence from each other.

I thought it was a lovely, egalitarian way of looking at our marriage. 

Musicheals71

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_jewish-weddings_bedeken?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:399Discussion:1a8bdffe-cf72-4cc9-99e0-cdee7cd3f754Post:1532eb3d-dd8e-4be4-a3c4-45cfb8b411b4">Re: Bedeken</a>:
[QUOTE]Our rabbi (conservative) gave a really nice reason for why I wear the veil;  he said it was about coming together in marriage but keeping our own identities, hence a sheer veil between us.  It is fluid and translucent, so we can change and grow together, but that it is a reminder to keep our separate interested and independence from each other. I thought it was a lovely, egalitarian way of looking at our marriage. 
Posted by parker624[/QUOTE]

Wow, I like that reason so much more than the biblical one!

caraellen23

I agree, I like that reasoning and interpretation.  As for our officiants.... originally we had planned on just having my cousin officiate, regardless of her affiliation, because she was family.  However, she has been in poor health and the decision was made (not by me) to include a rabbi as a (hopefully only) co-officiant.  My parents have been members of a conservative synagogue for about 15 years (since leaving the reform congregation I was raised in).  So it was important for them to ask their rabbi to officiate.  And that's how we wound up with two conservative officiants.

razdazzle

I didn't read all the responses, but I personally am looking forward to the bedeken.  I feel like it will be such an emotional experience to have my fiance veil me and think that it's nice to do this with just the close family and friends who are there for the ketubah signing.  I was already planning to wear a veil for the ceremony and will take it off for the reception.

CescaGarrett

I wanted to share the interpretation I have most commonly heard. The bride is veiled by her husband as a sign that he is marrying her for her inner beauty alone. For me, it seems unlikely to be an issue of modesty, because the veil is lifted multiple times. Instead, it shifts the focus of the ceremony to the blending of two souls, to minds, and two hearts....not only two bodies. I think its beautiful!

slbriz34

That's very nice - though, and maybe it just depends on how the bride does it, the veil need not be lifted until the end of the ceremony; that's certainly how I did it.  Each time I had to drink the wine, I only need to lift it away from my body slightly, and I then put the cup underneath to drink.  I had my veil on the entire time until the end of the ceremony.  

ARod22

All that is legally required for a marriage to occur are two kosher witnesses, and either a ring/coin that your groom gives you, or a ketubah that he signs (usually both are done, but halachically, only one of them is needed).  Everything else is tradition, so do whatever you are comfortable with.  Since you're "reformative" like me, you're probably having it more egalitarian than that, and omitting some tradition while keeping others.  If you want a bedeken, have one.  If you don't want to wear a veil, don't.

I'm not having a bedeken because honestly, only like 5 of my wedding guests would know what on earth is going on.  My rabbi told me about a wedding he officiated where the groom insisted on having a tish, but since it wasn't an orthodox wedding, well, no one knew how to react or behave, and the whole thing didn't really work.  

Try searching "bedeken" on youtube.  It's an awesome ceremony but seeing videos of it made me decide that it didn't belong in our wedding.

caraellen23

ARod - thanks! I've actually decided not to do a bedeken.  It was something I gave a lot of thought and consideration to for months.  I will check out some videos though, that's a great idea.  I do have a second tier on my veil that could be a blusher should I decide to do it last minute.