Officant Questions:

Vickytoria1803

So my fiance and I will be having an inter-faith ceremony. I'm catholic and he is Jewish. I don't know a lot about the Jewish faith so I'm hoping to get some basic information. He is not religious what so ever and neither is his family. However, my mother is dead set about having a priest and a rabbi. Not having a priest and rabbi is not an option. So we are doing this to please her.

So my question is, when are you allowed to get married. Our ceremony is set for Sat Oct 22, 2011 at 4:15pm. I know you can't have it on a Friday - but this time/date should be ok right?

Also he doesn't belong to a synagogue  so typically what is the fee? We are going to have to pay both officiates and don't have tons of money to be spending on this. We already have to pay $600 to have the ceremony at the venue.

Finally, do the Jewish require any pre-martial classes? We don't want to do this either.

Any help would be great. I'm tried reading websites but they don't really answer the questions I'm looking answers for. If this fails, we will get a justice of the peace. Thanks!

LBRM_NJ

Unfortunately, no, the time you selected is not OK.  Shabbot doesn't end that evening until 6:42pm (give or take a few minutes depending on where in CT you are).  Most rabbis will not perform a ceremony before Shabbot ends.  However, there are some reform rabbis who will and, given that you are having an interfaith wedding, perhaps your selected rabbi will, but, the only way you will know is to speak with him or her.

Again, the only way you will know if there is a fee is by speaking with the rabbi.  Since you are not affiliated with a shul, yes, the rabbi is likely to charge you a fee.  This fee is likely to be anywhere from $300-$1000.

The jewish religion does not require pre-marital classes, however, some rabbis may require you to do some kind of sessions with them before they will perform your ceremony.  Again, you'll need to check with your rabbi.

2dBride

First off, most rabbis will not participate in an interfaith wedding at all, and even fewer will participate in one in which there is more than one officiant.  If you don't already have a rabbi willing to participate, you might want to check Interfaith Family, which has a referral service.

Also, your difficulties will be further increased if you want to have the wedding on a Saturday.  Most rabbis will not perform a wedding during a period that begins a little before sundown on Friday and ends a little after sundown on Saturday.

Another issue is where the ceremony can take place.  My understanding is that you would need to get special dispensation to have a Catholic ceremony outside of a Catholic church, and that in at least most diocese, this permission is very difficult to get.  If the rabbi must actually co-officiate inside a Catholic church, that is likely to lead to even more difficulty in finding one.

I guess the real question is why your mother is insisting on a rabbi, when she is not even Jewish.  If your fiance doesn't care about the religious aspects, it would be a lot simpler just to have a Catholic ceremony.  You might even be able to incorporate some of the Jewish traditions into a Catholic ceremony, if that is important to him.

Vickytoria1803

Thanks for your help everyone. I guess I will just have to wait and see who I can find.

My mother is really only insiting on a priest but is being nice in trying to find a rabbi to combine the 2 religions.

jcbender0

I am having an interfaith wedding (FI is Jewish and I am not religious).  We looked on interfaith family to find our Rabbi.  I believe he was open to a Saturday wedding (ours is Sunday so I'm not sure) but not open to co-officiating.  I did speak to another Rabbi (can't remember where I found him) who was open to both Saturdays and co-officiating; however, his fee was significantly higher.  Both Rabbis do require meetings before the wedding, but not classes (more like counselling/getting to know the parts of the ceremony).  Many reform Rabbis will perform interfaith weddings, but I don't know that many will co-officiate.  You would have to do some research online and contact the Rabbis. 

slbriz34

If a priest isn't going to be used and there's not an issue of following future Catholic tenents (bascially, if you really aren't that religious so it won't really bother you), then unless you are having a Catholic ceremony you won't need to get dispensation.  Would another officiant (ie. reverend) do?

You are on the east coast; perhaps you'll have to pay for travel fees, but there are some rabbis that wouldn't have a problem officiating at an interfaith wedding (see www.interfaithfamily.com - you can get referrals for rabbis in your area).  As stated, this rabbi will be Reform.  However, even a Reform rabbi would have a problem with having a wedding on Shabbat; either push the ceremony later in the day or you'll have to have it on a Sunday.

You've got a lot going on here and I don't think you've considered all facets yet.  First, I think you and FI need to sit down and decide what type of ceremony you want.  With all deference to your mom, it's still your wedding.  Second, if you are planning on continuing with your Catholicism, then you'll need to do extra work and research, as mentioned by 2Bride.  And that person would also have to be willing to entertain an interfaith ceremony.  Finally, ask your mom why she really wants a priest and if another officiant would do.

GL.

silversparks

Have you asked this question on the Catholic weddings board? From the little I know about Catholic weddings, it is a sacrament, they sometimes include a mass, and like 2dBride pointed out, getting dispensation to have the wedding outside a church is already often an issue. I strongly suggest that if your mom is insisting (and you are saying it's non-negotiable) that you have a Catholic priest perform the marriage you first speak to your priest about whether or not having a rabbi of any denomination participate at all, let alone co-officiate, is even possible.
Otherwise, I am not familiar with interfaithfamily but I agree with what has already been posted - your date is the Jewish sabbath when Jewish weddings are generally not performed and you will have to find a rabbi who is willing to co-officiate with a Catholic priest (assuming the priest will let him or her do this). In terms of preparation, there is no formal pre-marital counseling like pre cana (sp?) classes but the rabbi would expect to meet with you a few times to get to know you, and you're probably looking at around $500 - $1000 in compensation.
If you wanted to incorporate some Jewish symbolism in your Catholic wedding (and your priest is ok with this), maybe you want to start by looking at things like the chuppah - wedding canopy, having both parents walk you down the aisle, Jewish music you could use in the procession/recession, or Biblical passages that are often referenced in Jewish weddings...

joysaw00

Hi V: I am a rabbinical student in the Reconstructionist movement, and in my movement, a majority of rabbis WILL perform intermarriages but we are forbidden from our rabbinic association from co-officiating a ceremony.

The rationale for this is that there is the general feeling that people should have a wedding that reflects the kind of religious home they intend to share after their marriage. And there is the concern (rightly or wrongly) that a family cannot truly be Jewish AND Christian at the same time, because there are too many conflicting ideologies. That isn't to say that there aren't many people who raise their children to honor, respect and learn about BOTH traditions, but at the end of the day -- one is going to take precedence over the other.

The real clincher question is: How do you intend to raise your kids (if you have them?) Will you send them to Hebrew school on Sundays? Or to Christian Sunday school? You can't send them to both.

Rabbis in the Conservative and Orthodox movements will not perform intermarriages at all -- they are forbidden from doing so by THEIR rabbinical assemblies. So, if you really have your heart set on co-officiants, your best bet is to find a rabbi who graduated from a Reform seminary OR who graduated from a nondenominational rabbinical school (though there aren't many of those around).

My advice to you (and which I give to all intermarried couples) is to have a long heart-to-heart talk about what the religious life of your future home is realistically going to look like. Not what your mother wants. Or his mother wants. What YOU both want. And that should guide your decision.

Then, depending on the answer to that, you can have either a Jewish ceremony with some "Christian-ey things" thrown in -- like a unity candle, the reciting of a prayer from the book of Psalms (which is shared by both Christians and Jews etc). OR you can have a Catholic ceremony with some Jewish elements thrown in. This could be breaking of a glass at the end. It could be a Jewish family member coming up and reading a blessing in Hebrew, etc. You don't need a rabbi to do that.

My hunch, though, is that you will find it much harder to find a priest open to Jewish elements in a Catholic wedding, than the other way around.

Lastly, in regards to the timing question, the previous posters were right that most rabbis don't officiate on Saturdays before sundown. However, I know quite a few Reform and Recon rabbis who will officiate before sundown provided the wedding is basically late afternoon/eveningish -- not smack in the middle of the day. You'll just have to ask to find out.

Good luck,
Joysa