Jewish Weddings

What is with people?

o my future BIL just got engaged to tis girl that my FH and I really don't like. She's just extremely nosey, immature, and just someone that I don't care to surround myself with. When we got engaged, I found out that she and my FH had a huge fight over her wanting to come to our celebratory dinner after the proposal.  My FH just wanted his brother and his parents to be there.  Well this totally got blown out of proportion and his brother called him and said I'm not coming without her.  Long story short, it ended up just being us and our parents.  After this happened, I calmly called her and told her that I thought it was a lack of respect for her to insist on being there, as it was going against what my FI wanted.  I was extremely annoyed bc if his brother wasn't going to be there, someone made the rule that my brother wasn't going to be there, which annoyed me the most. So last night, I get this email from her, listing all these things that I have done in the past year that have hurt her. After I got this email, I called her and spoke to her and listened to her story.  I in turn, told her the things that were bothering me about her.  We hung up the phone and made a pact to put this in the past. A couple hours later, I get a phone call from my FBIL basically berating me for calling her and being nasty to her! I do want a relationship with them both, but I just feel like I am in no win situation.  Any advice?

Re: What is with people?

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    RachiemooRachiemoo member
    First Anniversary First Comment Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    hmm... I don't know.  I can see how she would be hurt that she was specifically told she couldn't come to the celebratory dinner for you and your FI.  The fact is that, your future BIL and SIL probably feel like she is basically family (she will be family very soon) and I do think it was kind of strange that she wasn't invited.

    On the other hand, I can see how you can be bothered by her immature behavior/actions.

    I think that you should keep the pact to put everything in the past, and also try to do the same with your future BIL.  In the future, I think you should try to remain cordial with them, but I can see why you wouldn't want to be super close.  Hopefully your FSIL will grow up a bit and you'll be able to tolerate her more in the future.
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    edited December 2011

    If your FBIL and this girl have been dating for quite sometime (and it seems serious enough since FBIL proposed to her), it was wrong of your FH not to include her and just extend an invite to his brother.  That equates to inviting just him to your wedding and not her, when you know they are a couple.

    My FI and I had this same issue when it came to his cousin's bar mitzvah and he apologized for not insisting that his family extend an invite to me, because we had been going out for sometime and it was the right thing to do.  So on this issue, I side with her.  And I guess to be fair, his brother decided not to come since you weren't going to include her and it was within his right.  Now why your brother wasn't invited, I don't know and that seems weird, but the event is over.

    It's too bad that after the phone call, she couldn't let things or, or maybe she did and your FBIL took it upon himself to call you and yell at your.  But since you gave it a shot, you aren't under any further obligation to be best friends (I'm certainly not with every member of my soon-to-be in-laws) and just take things as they come.

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    RedZeeRedZee member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    As many of the people on this board know, I unfortunately have quite a lot of experience with this topic.

    As the other posters said, you should have included her in the celebration. Regardless of how you feel about her, FBIL loves her and plans to make a life with her. If you want a relationship with him, she's part of the package now.

    I think it's good that the two of you spoke (although I'm not entirely sure you should have called to yell at her). I think you might want to extend an invitation for the 4 of you to go to dinner. Go to a neutral place and toast to your engagements. That way, you're really putting it behind you and you're doing it with everyone there so nothing can get misconstrued after the fact.

    You might not like her, and you might be right not to like her, and you might never like her. But these things only get worse and worse. It's better to suck it up now so that she doesn't throw a fit later and so that your husband can have a relationship with his brother (it's his only sibling, it sounds like).

    For my part, my SIL and I had some major problems. Things got really bad and really out of control and my husband's parents did not step in to try and minimize the damage (and actually made it worse). We don't see or speak to SIL AT ALL now even though she lives 3 miles away. It has also really damaged the relationship we had with my ILs. I used to go for coffee with MIL about once a week or at least speak to her on the phone. I don't call her unless I absolutely have to now and try not see them. I've heard many, many, many stories that are similar to mine. Women get upset over stupid things and things get worse and worse until the relationship is completely severred (sp?). I don't know all the things she's doing, but being upset about not being included is not terrible behavior. Stop the feud before the behavior gets out of control.

    Sorry I sound so lecture-y. But I have gone over everything that's happened with DH's family a million times and tried to think of what I could have done differently. I feel so guilty that he doesn't have a relationship with his only sibling - even though I now know that it would have been the case no matter who he married and that she has some serious mental health problems. You really don't want to feel like you played any role in separating your H from his bro.

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    Jeni35Jeni35 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I think it was rude not to invite your FSIL to the dinner. Didn't you mention that the FBIL was engaged to this girl? You have decided to alienate her. You don't have to love her; but what was wrong was when you called to tell her it wrong to insist that she should come. Reverse the position- what if this had been you? Life is too short to waste time hating people. This girl will be aunt to your children and you will be an aunt to hers. 
    As far as having her FH calling you after you spoke- of course she told him about the call. They are a couple! I have had some back and forth with my FH's family; but I'd never dream of excluding them because that is his family. 
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