Help Needed: Female Singer at a Wedding with Reform and Orthodox Guests

RainLaurel

Hi,

I need help trying to sort through a mess that I'm currently facing.  I'm trying to plan a wedding with my fiance for my Reform and very secular side and his parents who became orthodox 6 years ago and their orthodox friends on the other side.

My father has voiced that he would like to have a female singer at the wedding because a lot of our favorite songs have female vocalists.

FI's parents have said that we cannot have a female vocalist because their friends will be offended and leave the party. 

I feel stuck in the middle.  My FI thinks that his parents are right and that there shouldn't be a female vocalist because it is not that important to him to have a female vocalist and he knows that it will offend his parents and their friends. 

What should I do?

TIA!

Shoshie

Get a DJ?

RainLaurel

Thanks, Shoshie!  That's what my FI says, but I had really been counting on live music.... We're having a Sunday afternoon wedding.  So, I thought that it would help people get up and out on the dance floor if we had live music.  If guests didn't want to dance, they could also watch the band....

penaltyshot

I believe you'd need two rooms for dancing anyway, as the men dance separately from the women. Hopefully one of the more Orthodox ladies will be able to help with some advice for you!

masteraleph

1) As penaltyshot pointed out, if they're going to have a problem with a vocalist, they may well have a problem with mixed dancing (though depending on their particular feelings, might not mind separate circles in the same room or separate circles in the same room with a barrier, perhaps flowers or plants, between the two sides).

2) A possible compromise might be to have separate dancing (if that's required) for the first set, and, if you can arrange it through the band, a male vocalist for that.  Then, presumably, the food will be served, and you can have things the way you want for the second dance set, at which point your FI's parents' friends can feel free to leave without feeling stilted.

RainLaurel

My FI has agreed that we can have mixed dancing for the whole party.  There will also be separate dancing going on in two corners of the room (one corner for only men and one corner for only women).  The main dance floor will have mixed dancing throughout. 

My worry about having the female vocalist for the second half of the party is that the shevas barouchas and the birkat hamazon will need to be said by the orthodox Jews. After that point, everyone might just leave the party if the dancing stops for those blessings to be said.  It takes around 15 minutes. 

2dBride

A DJ isn't going to help, unless the DJ plays no music with female vocalists.  The ones that object to hearing a female vocalist in person will also object to hearing a recorded one.

Honestly, I don't think there is a way to resolve this one, short of having two separate receptions.

dmplz02

I thought I was a pretty knowledgeable jew- but I have never heard of someone having an issue with a female vocalist before. Can anyone explain that to me?

Rachiemoo

I'm not really sure what you should do, I guess that if this is truly an issue then I would only have a male vocalist(s) or have non vocal music only.

Here is a good explanation of the subject for those who asked:

http://www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/478233/jewish/Why-cant-a-male-listen-to-a-female-singer.htm

RainLaurel

I have asked my FI to ask his parents' rabbi about whether it is okay for them to listen to a recorded female voice.  His parents don't think for themselves anymore and just follow everything that their Rabbi tells them to do.  I just wish that his parents had been less selfish and said that we should have two different receptions because they couldn't participate in everything that my side would want to do.

Danaz1

that is crazy.  We had a modern orthodox rabbi and a few very religious people at the wedding no one had a problem with a female singing.  We also had mixed dancing no options for seperate if they didn't like it they didn't have to dance.  Its you and your fiance wedding do what you guys want and try not to do everything his family does there has to be happy medium

dmplz02

thanks for the explanation link!

tenofcups4me

Looking at it without the horrific sexism, it would seem the easiest thing to do would be to just have a male vocalist. I doubt anyone would notice that there were no female singers since there are plenty of bands that are just male.

That seems like the easiest way to "compromise" and make everyone happy -- you can have whatever singing and dancing you want and no one but  those intimately involved would ever know a female vocalist was ever considered.

BUT I personally would have a really hard time caving to such blatant sexism. I'm not really sure what I'd do and don't envy you being in such an uncomfortable position. I imagine this isn't the only conflict that's going to come up with such disparate groups attending.

slbriz34

It's unfortunate when parents get in the way of planning, but get used to it know because this will be the first of many issues you'll have to work out compromises that satisfy everyone.

Definitely see what their rabbi says and if you can do a recording, I'd go that route.  Don't worry about folks leaving because you stop the music for the blessings.  If anything, you should explain to the non-Jewish or non-religious folks what is going on and they can always follow along with their benchers if they desire.  We are going to do that in a separate room so folks can still dance and we can do the blessings and then return to the reception.

Just remember, it's just one day and even if you have to compromise on this for his parents, there'll be other aspects of the day that you can look to as truly yours.  GL.

RainLaurel

No, wedding planning has been a nightmare when it should be an exciting and fun time.  Yes, the sexism really bothers me.  I'm not sure what to do.  Probably, I will just wind up caving and not having a female singer, but this is really bothering my parents because they would really like to have a female singer. 

RainLaurel

Fortunately, FI has agreed that we don't have to do the blessings until the very end of the party.  I'm wondering though if we should do the blessings earlier and then have the female vocalist after that point so that FI's parents' friends can just leave after that and will not have to hear the female vocalist.  My FI said that the blessings have to be said in the same room in which people ate the meal..

Shoshie

:Soapbox:
My .02 (and I went to an Orthodox day school).

If hearing a female's voice makes a guy think of sex, that's his problem.

:off soapbox:

It is your wedding, like PPs have said. You do what makes you and your FI happy.

masteraleph

"I'm wondering though if we should do the blessings earlier and then have the female vocalist after that point so that FI's parents' friends can just leave after that and will not have to hear the female vocalist.  My FI said that the blessings have to be said in the same room in which people ate the meal.."

It's not typically done, but I can't think of any reason not to do birkat hamazon and sheva brachot after the meal, then have a separate dessert after a second set of dancing (presumably any Orthodox Jews who stick around can say the initial and after-blessings on that themselves).

silversparks

We had a small number of very Orthodox guests - I would just advise people ahead of time that you will have a female vocalist and then they can decide if they would like to attend - the people who are closest to you and who really care about you WILL show up!l - From your op it looks like his parents are concerned about their friends, it's not that they are saying they won't be they won't be there ?

Also, if you do the benching and sheva brachot at the end of the wedding, it totally won't interrupt anything. It does force people to stay until the end, but if your wedding is in the afternoon that shouldn't really be an issue. 

RainLaurel

I'm starting to think a DJ might not be such a bad idea....This morning, my mom called my FI and screamed at him on the phone.  My parents, for some reason, are acting in a very crazy way regarding having a live female vocalist.  They might just be upset because this is only one restriction of many that his parents have had.  My FI has decided that he has had enough of being screamed at by my mom (she has done this before); so, he has now said that 1) we can elope or 2) I can plan the wedding on my own.  He doesn't want to help plan anymore when it results in being screamed at by my mom.  I have opted for the 2nd option because I can put up with my mom and we already have the catering hall.  I had been looking forward to the wedding.   

Danaz1

I had some similiar issues with my family.  My parents are not religious at all and his family considers them self traditional.  He went to a jewish day school.  There were so many arguments about religious things.  One being having grandparents names on the invites.  I had never seen this and my mom was upset about it but to avoid a big argument I caved.  We also had a kosher wedding and orthodox rabbi which I didn't really want. In the end you won't remember these little issues also long as you have a good time and relax.  Its not worth getting into a big argument with his parents or him.  Try to keep the peace as much as you can is my advice. 

RainLaurel

So, now, my mom says that it is really up to me, but that she would still greatly prefer a band.  My parents have agreed to not have a female vocalist, which is disappointing to them, but they are trying to make me happy.  So, if FI's mom agrees to this band, we are golden!  We will just have all music sung by female artists on record instead of live.  The band says that this will work.  Luckily, the leader of the chosen band was my sister's musical teacher.  My parents have heard his band in concert a number of times.  My FI's dad likes the band without the female vocalist.  We are also having a glatt kosher wedding and orthodox rabbi even though I don't want this.  Because the wedding had to be glatt kosher, it really limited where we could have the wedding based on what we could afford.  My FI keeps reminding me to keep this all in perspective.  I have never heard of grandparents' names on the invites.  Hopefully, this will not be yet another issue.

jcswetin

OMG! I am going through this EXACT same issue right now with my wedding!  EXACTLY THE SAME...EVERYTHING!  Thank you for helping me figure out how to work my reception, because I really want a female vocalist too.