Help! Wedding advice!

talgirl84

      I am 26 and got married in Israel in June. We planned this wedding for over a year and gave our guests plenty of notice.
      My 39 year old sister who lives in Israel just got engaged a few weeks ago. She at first told me she wanted her wedding during Christmas break so it would be easier for guests from the US to attend because it's easier to get time off from work. Then the timeline turned to Jan 6 or 13 and she sent me an e-mail asking for my opinion about having the wedding in January instead of the Christmas break. I was honest and told her it would be very difficult to get time off from work for myself and my husband since he doesn't get a lot of vacation time and he had to borrow days to attend our own wedding in June. I travel a lot for work and have 2 business trips in Feburary so I told her a January wedding would not be convenient because I have to plan for those trips in January.
      She thanked me for my honesty in the e-mail. She e-mailed me a few days ago telling me she was going to a tasting at a venue and that she would be making a decision soon. Oh and the date of the wedding might be January 27. I e-mailed her immediately and was honest again and emphasized that I had 2 business trips in Feburary including one Feb 1 and I was worried I would be exhuasted going to her wedding and then a few days later having to fly again. Not only is the time inconvenient but she is not allowing my mom, brother, and I to stay for free at her apartment. Tickets will be at least $1000 and with the board at least another $1000. She never replied to my e-mail and instead sent me a mass e-mail today telling her guests that the date of the wedding would be January 27th and more information would come about the hotel.
       I am very hurt that she didn't care enough to even address my e-mail. On top of that, her wedding is not a legal ceremony but symbolic and she wants to come to the US in March and get married by a justice of the peace. She wants to have a small 8 person ceremony for that. I would have to take more time off from work to attend the Friday service.
         I don't understand why she is in such a rush to have this symbolic ceremony and doesn't care to even communicate why she needs January 27th despite me telling her how financially and inconvenient it is.
          I want to be there for her but I feel that she is asking too much. I am hurt by the thought that all of our Israeli family will be there, my mom and brother, and I might not be able to go.
           Is she being unreasonable? Is it fair to tell her that I can't come but I can go to her legal ceremony in the US?

Jami86e

i'm not trying to judge, but it sounds like it's one of two things (or possibly both)

1) she is pregnant

2) she is in a rush to get married because she does not want her sister who is 13 years her junior to get married before her.

it sucks that she is being selfish, but there's nothing you can do about it unfortunately. as far as it being a blow financially, have you tried priceline.com to bid on plane tickets? i haven't checked israel but the last time i checked they accepted a bid for $500 round trip between chicago and australia, for what would normally be around $1300

talgirl84

I asked my sister if she was pregnant and she said "No". I think that after 39 years she's going through a little diva phase which I think is funny because she always told me that she didn't believe in marriage.

I just spoke to my mom and apparently she never responded to my e-mail about Jan. 27th because she was upset that I sent it. She told my mom she shouldn't have asked her guests if her date was ok. I would never have sent out the e-mail if I didn't think I could be honest with her.

I understand that she is the bride and she can do what she wants but she has to be more realistic given her 3 month timeline.

talgirl84

How does the priceline tickets work? Can I request only one stopover??

viewfromheaven05

honestly, give kayak.com a try.  i use it to find all my air deals and it checks ALL the discount air sites (expedia, priceline, orbitz).  And it also lets you choose how many stops you want to make, etc.

mickeypotter

If its important to you, then you'll be there for her...regardless of price or work. Remember it is their day.

If worse comes to worse, you'll be there for her event here in the States.

MrsMLRB

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_jewish-weddings_wedding-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:399Discussion:578b6f52-a48d-4e83-ba7d-975f6292025aPost:16290441-0e76-4e5c-8da9-d85f75e8e23b">Re: Help! Wedding advice!</a>:
[QUOTE]If its important to you, then you'll be there for her...regardless of price or work. Remember it is their day. If worse comes to worse, you'll be there for her event here in the States.
Posted by mickeypotter[/QUOTE]

Okay, I disagree with this. Yes, it is their day and they can pick whatever day they want. But if they choose an inconvinent time for everyone, then they have to respect that they may not have a very big wedding. So if she wants her family to come then she should pick a time that would be easiest for them to fly out there.

Jami86e

i'm not sure i just know that you bid on tickets and what you are supposed to do is lowball them ridiculously and you can re-bid every 24 horus and you keep raising your price little by little until they accept it. if you're in boston i don't see why there would be more than one layover anyway

talgirl84

For priceline, do you have any say in how long the layover can be? It would be pretty bad to end up with a ticket that leaves you with a 12 hour layover somewhere.

Jami86e

i'm not exactly sure. i've never used priceline, i only put in a bid to see if they would accept it. we didn't use it because we couldn't actually afford to go there lol

talgirl84

My family is completely unreasonable. My mom called me and said that my sister "expects" me to be at the wedding. I haven't even spoken to my boss yet about trying to change my trip and already she's warning me that there could be consequences if I don't show up. They're telling me it's "No big deal" to fly direct from Israel to my work's location in Georgia. They think 4 days is doable. I'm not saying it's impossible but it's definately going to be difficult if my boss won't let me change my trip plans.

Jami86e

they do have direct flights to atlanta (as far as i know), but that doesn't eman it's no big deal

lynniearudner

i think this is a difficult situation. 

it seems to me that it is withing anyones right to get married whenever he/she chooses. 

that said, it comes with the understanding that getting married in a foreign country on very short notice (ill say 3 months is short notice for US-Israel) may result in complicated logistical situations. your sister may have to accept that fact. 

i think at this point you might have to make some decisions about what is most important TO YOU regardless of how your sister treated you, answered (or not) your emails, made your feel bad, etc. 

we often think about everything in terms of "the golden rule" and want to treat people back the way that they treat us (if we are hurt, wronged, etc) but i dont think this is a time to use the "golden rule" approach and punish her for treating you badly, being a diva, etc. 

instead, i think its time to assess for yourself how you need to treat her so that you feel proud of yourself as a person who did the "right thing" for herself. 

talgirl84

Yeah I realize that I should always take the higher road. I'm doing my best to try and make her wedding. I've asked my boss and she said that she would look into it but no promises. I've decided to take a breather from my family until I have an answer from my boss. Then we can work forward from there.

I just don't understand why my sister feels that she has to threaten me to convince me to come to her wedding. I already want to go but it seems like she went out of her way to pick a date that was inconvenient for me. No one else in my family has to travel as much for work as I do and for some reason my family thinks it's easy for me to drop my work trip and make it to her wedding. I understand I'm the youngest and maybe it's a respect issue but I'm an adult now just like they are and have responsibilities back at home like anyone else would.

rxjen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_jewish-weddings_wedding-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:399Discussion:578b6f52-a48d-4e83-ba7d-975f6292025aPost:16290441-0e76-4e5c-8da9-d85f75e8e23b">Re: Help! Wedding advice!</a>:
[QUOTE]If its important to you, then you'll be there for her...regardless of price or work. Remember it is their day. If worse comes to worse, you'll be there for her event here in the States.
Posted by mickeypotter[/QUOTE]

Sorry but her job is more important that making it to a symbolic ceremony on the other side of the world,this is how she feeds herself and puts a roof over her head! 

 

JoelsGirl07

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_jewish-weddings_wedding-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:399Discussion:578b6f52-a48d-4e83-ba7d-975f6292025aPost:2feb823b-4be3-4e08-9d3c-65bab5b7a139">Re: Help! Wedding advice!</a>:
[QUOTE]i'm not trying to judge, but it sounds like it's one of two things (or possibly both) 1) she is pregnant 2) she is in a rush to get married because she does not want her sister who is 13 years her junior to get married before her. it sucks that she is being selfish, but there's nothing you can do about it unfortunately. as far as it being a blow financially, have you tried priceline.com to bid on plane tickets? i haven't checked israel but the last time i checked they accepted a bid for $500 round trip between chicago and australia, for what would normally be around $1300
Posted by Jami86e[/QUOTE]
I vote #1. Just because she said no doesn't meant that's the truth.
In addition, if this ceremony isn't the "real" wedding, then I'm sorry (and maybe it's b/c I AM pregnant and hormonal), but I would focus on being at the (much more convenient) ACTUAL wedding in the states. Most normal people do symbolic weddings after the fact, not before....something is up.