Please assist a Catholic MOB

ootmother2

 A good friend's daughter is being married in a Jewish ceremony, her daughter has converted to Judism as they believe one family, one religion.  No problems with anyone there.

It's a Saturday evening wedding at a large NYC hotel.  They are not getting married at temple, I assume that's acceptable.

I have a few questions, I haven't been to a formal Jewish wedding in several years.

1) Dress - I plan on wearing a black lace Nicole Miller dress with spaghetti straps and a pastel pashmina, green or pink and black strap shoes.  Okay or too bare?
 
2) My Guest - I on asking an old friend/lover that I've stayed in touch with for years.  He knows the parents of the bride.  Is this okay?

3) Gift - I generally give off the registry for the shower and cash for the wedding.
Usually I give $200 if alone.  With date & elaborate wedding at NYC hotel, more?
$400 from both of us.

Thanks in advance for any help

jessicabessica

1) Do you know how religious they are?  If they are leaning towards Orthodox, you might want to have a little more coverage (knees/shoulders, at least--not sure how long your dress is), but otherwise your planned outfit sounds fine to me for a formal NYC evening wedding (I'm from the tri-state area and lived in Manhattan, so not going by Maine standards). 

2) Not sure why there's anything particular to Jewish weddings here, but maybe others will see it.  I would say that if you were invited with a guest, that guest is your choice.

3) Again, not sure why there's anything special here.  Do you usually give more if you think the wedding cost more?  If you usually give $200 alone, but you are bringing a guest, it seems like your usual would be to give a bit more (although I probably wouldn't give a full $200 on behalf of your date), but I think that it's fine to give what you generally give and/or are comfortable giving based on your relationship to the couple. 

Hope that helps!

JoBell123

1) if it's in a hotel, it's probably not a problem to wear the Nicole Miler dress.  As PP has said, maybe check with the family
 
2) agreed with PP - it's your choice of who to bring, whether it's a Jewish wedding ro not!

3) that sounds fine.  Sometimes for Jewish weddings I like to give in multiples of 18 since that is considered good luck.  But it's not necessary.

ElisabethJoanne

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_jewish-weddings_please-assist-catholic-mob?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:399Discussion:9b003856-a585-46c1-919c-076763b92bc2Post:2970a3df-8d86-4b79-abd8-f9efdd4570c0">Re: Please assist a Catholic MOB</a>:
[QUOTE]1) if it's in a hotel, it's probably not a problem to wear the Nicole Miler dress.  As PP has said, maybe check with the family   2) agreed with PP - it's your choice of who to bring, whether it's a Jewish wedding ro not! 3) that sounds fine.  Sometimes for Jewish weddings I like to give in multiples of 18 since that is considered good luck.  But it's not necessary.
Posted by JoBell123[/QUOTE]

Agreed. Just be aware that a very religious/observant/orthodox Jewish wedding may have parts where men and women are separated. Among very religious/orthodox/observant Jews, women cover their hair once they're married, and all women cover their arms past their elbows and their legs past their knees. Chances are you would know if this family was that observant, though. And chances are they're not, as the highly observant marry in the day time outside. Another note on the highly observant, 'cause even if this family's not, there may be guests who are: Opposite sexes don't touch. So if you are introduced to a man and he declines to shake your hand, don't be offended.

ootmother2

Thank you all for your help!

ootmother2

add on

My daughter says they are "reformed:"

I think that means they are not strictly observent.  The dress & the relaxed ceremony indicates that, I assume.

But tell me if I'm wrong.

You all are so sweet to help me out with this!

ootmother2

ah, I remember the 18 thing when my neice went to her BFFs bat mitzvah

Cash in mulitple of 18 ($36 ) and a personal gift was what she brought.

tenofcups4me

OOT, if they're reform, you can wear whatever you want. What you described sounds perfectly appropriate for the venue. As for the guest and gift, I'd treat them the same as you would for any other wedding.

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_jewish-weddings_please-assist-catholic-mob?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:399Discussion:9b003856-a585-46c1-919c-076763b92bc2Post:27cc65e9-8f86-4496-a51e-48d808c9ae26">Re: Please assist a Catholic MOB</a>:
[QUOTE]. And chances are they're not, as the highly observant marry in the day time outside. Another note on the highly observant, 'cause even if this family's not, there may be guests who are: Opposite sexes don't touch. So if you are introduced to a man and he declines to shake your hand, don't be offended.
Posted by ElisabethJoanne[/QUOTE]

I've only been to one orthodox wedding and it was at night inside in a catering hall (Staten Island). FWIW, I'm Jewish and would still be highly insulted and majorly pissed off if someone refused to shake my hand. Sexism is sexism no matter what religious mores you couch it in.

ElisabethJoanne

Reformed is the least observant kind of Judaism, yes.

tenofcups, I suggest you toodle around on chabad.org, especially the women's page. I suggest you seek out one of the rabbis, just don't try to shake his hand. I'm religiously catholic, only ethnically Jewish, but I still think a lot of chasidic teachings make sense, even if I don't agree with them. I spent lots of time with chabad in graduate school. They spent just as much time and energy teaching women as men. More teaching women, in fact, because the rabbis are right, women are more open to religion, so they were more likely to attend classes. I watched the rabbi have to decline to shake a few women's hands, and he was always very gracious and apologetic. I would sit next to him in Torah class, and the frum strictures made me more conscious of my movments, in a good way, I think. The actual teachings are often that men don't touch women because men are unworthy of that closeness to women's greater closeness to G-d.

vlevitt

it's a little nit-picky, but the correct term is "Reform", not "Reformed" Judaism.

ElisabethJoanne

And it's "movements" not "movments" Ah! Thanks!

tenofcups4me

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_jewish-weddings_please-assist-catholic-mob?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:399Discussion:9b003856-a585-46c1-919c-076763b92bc2Post:e93ce1e0-3aca-4e94-8e21-27ad3491f49e">Re: Please assist a Catholic MOB</a>:
[QUOTE]Reformed is the least observant kind of Judaism, yes. tenofcups, I suggest you toodle around on chabad.org, especially the women's page. I suggest you seek out one of the rabbis, just don't try to shake his hand. I'm religiously catholic, only ethnically Jewish, but I still think a lot of chasidic teachings make sense, even if I don't agree with them. I spent lots of time with chabad in graduate school. They spent just as much time and energy teaching women as men. More teaching women, in fact, because the rabbis are right, women are more open to religion, so they were more likely to attend classes. I watched the rabbi have to decline to shake a few women's hands, and he was always very gracious and apologetic. I would sit next to him in Torah class, and the frum strictures made me more conscious of my movments, in a good way, I think. The actual teachings are often that men don't touch women because men are unworthy of that closeness to women's greater closeness to G-d.
Posted by ElisabethJoanne[/QUOTE]

Thank you, but I feel sufficiently educated. Just because I disagree with something doesn't mean I don't "understand" it.