June 2012 Weddings

upset after reading comments on an article

this is totally random, just wondered what others think. So I read the article about the 12 things your guests want at your wedding. the article itself, well... some things made more sense than others. But what got me was the comments where girls are fighting over what is good taste and what is not when it comes to certain aspects of a wedding. Like having a registry or an open bar. Sometimes I feel like we're being spoon fed attitudes and opinions...and it has created this strange expectation in some people. For example, several people said that without a doubt it is disrespectful not to serve alcohol at the wedding. And I'm just confused. I'm having a dry wedding just because it is the natural way in our family. All parties are dry with us. No, we're not uptight or hating our guests, it's just not something we typically do. And I can't even imagine that someone would be offended in my circle over something like that. I feel a little shatered inside because it feels like many are so tied up by these random attitudes from potential guests... I always thought it was an honor to be invited to someones wedding. Does anyone else feel like the whole thing is getting out of hand with the growing sense of entitlement in the society?
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Re: upset after reading comments on an article

  • Yes I totally agree it is getting out of hand. We are having a dry wedding as our reception is being held at the church. But I'm not doing all the favors I just really don't understand giving them when on a budget. But when I first started reading the do's don't's of weddings I freaked. Where I am from in the south no one really expects you to have an open bar. Everyone would go broke every wedding that I've attended with a bar was a cash bar no one minded with a few bottles on wine that a few ppl grabbed up and didn't share with other guests. My big problem is serving cake punch etc. Most ppl have family serve for them unless you spend big to cater. Which I don't have I just feel like I'm taking away from my family. My family all agrees with us on it is an honor to be invited to a wedding and even more honorable to be asked to be in or help with the wedding!
  • I think some things make sense and some just don't depending on your circle. What's acceptable in my circle won't be in other's and that's just that. Cash bar is a big no no here, as is money dances, no sit down meal, etc. I remember my mom bad mouthing my aunt to no end for faux pas at her wedding.

    In the end do what's acceptable in your circle, nothing more, nothing less.
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  • Some things are getting way out of hand.. At the end of the day it's your wedding, no one elses..
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  • I think some of the things people write in articles are just ways to get you to spend more money (as if the wedding industry isn't expensive enough). We thought about having a dry reception because I'll be under 21 and some guests will be as well. I didn't want to deal with underage drinking and whatnot but we ended up having a limited bar
  • I agree... it varies from circle to circle.  I think there are general etiquette rules that are valid in ALL situations (like people who get STDs get invites, etc).. but other things aren't so necessary.  For example, I have never received a wedding invitation WITHOUT registry info.  It's just normal in my circle.  I have also never been to a wedding with a full open bar.  I do side eye weddings where NOTHING is provided, not even soda (coughcoughFSIL'sweddingcoughcough), but people don't throw fits when the standard beer and soda are provided while the rest is cash bar.

    But maybe that's what I get for living in WI ;)
  • Zims, that's exactly what came to my mind, they're trying to sell us more. Oh well.
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  • Haha, well, I didn't really mean providing nothing. We're doing soda, coffee, tea, water, lemonade for ours. It's a dessert reception though also a nono to some I imagine. But it makes sense to us. We're both young and poor haha. And I'm kind of hyped about spending time with my FFIL who is a baker to make this all happen.
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  • I agree with PP. Every circle is completely different. The wedding industry is money hungry. I think the biggest rule of thumb is to do what you can afford and what makes you happy as a couple. At the end of the day I'm marrying my best friend and I would hope that everyone that was invited is there to share in our happiness and celebrate our marriage. 
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  • If my guests are offended that I am not having alcohol at my reception then I guess they weren't really my friends. I'm inviting them to celebrate my wedding but if they have to drink to celebrate---sorry. I don't want to be responsible if someone drinks and drives.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_upset-after-reading-comments-on-an-article?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:02058a39-fe42-465d-8743-628f64ede6b2Post:324c6faa-6607-450e-9cc7-6b94d91b25e7">Re: upset after reading comments on an article</a>:
    [QUOTE]I agree with PP. Every circle is completely different. The wedding industry is money hungry. I think the biggest rule of thumb is to do what you can afford and<strong> what makes you happy as a couple.</strong> At the end of the day I'm marrying my best friend and I would hope that everyone that was invited is there to share in our happiness and celebrate our marriage. 
    Posted by HarperBargo[/QUOTE]

    Yes, but I still think the general overlying etiquette rule of making your guests happy needs to apply in every situation.  There are some guests that might not be happy regardless of wht you do, but if 80%< of your guests are happy, then you're good.
  • We have a wedding in two weeks being held at lunchtime, and its expected to be an hour long ceremony. They have stated they are serving water only, and have voiced their annoyance that people said they wouldn't be staying long. To me, not serving at least cake or an appetizers, you're just not going to have people stick around long. I often laugh at the E board because if I did what they always suggest, my circle would think I'm being a bridezilla. Were having a full out bbq and our aunts are bringing the sides. I've never been to a wedding around here where family didn't help with food. I'm in a small country town, that's just how it goes here. People will bring food even if you don't ask. There are definitely some rules you have to stay by, stds mean an invite, and invite SOs even if you don't like them. But every area is different.
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  • I will confess something to you ladies: I've only been saved from etiquette faux pas because people saved me and never told me.

    1. I was totally willing to host my own E-party but my mom offered to host and I was none the wiser.

    2. I 100% never knew a cash bar was rude. I'm from a different country (Barbados) and there is never an angry mention with a cash bar; hosting and then closing the bar where I'm from is extremely rude because it forces your guests to have only your options. I'm not saying either culture is wrong but it was a real glass of cold water when I started planning a wedding in the US. I'm having a full open bar because it's what we can afford and most of our families and friends are very heavy drinkers.

    3. I didn't know you weren't supposed to put the zip code on the invites; again, where I'm from there are no zip codes so I truly didn't know that this was very frowned upon and my guests would think I was an idiot. The printer had taken them out without my knowing, so again, saved there.

    And those were only my top three. I think that even if you do something etiquette dictates is a no-no (well short of maybe doing the topless hula on the shoulders of a groomsman) your guests would love you enough to let it go. I hope the people I want to witness my marriage and celebrate with me won't judge me - I love them and I wouldn't judge them and I never go if I have any question about my comfort level with their traditions.

    We declined a wedding in Minnesota because the ceremony is at 10 am and the reception is at 6 pm and I don't know what I would want to do in Minnesota for 6+ hours. I don't judge them, but I knew I wouldn't be comfortable so I declined - I hope my guests would give me the same courtesy.





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  • The open bar thing is just wrong. The article is obviously written by someone from NJ or Long island because those are the only places I can think of where that is the standard. I've been to dry weddings and didn't even notice until afterwards that there wasn't any alcohol. And I didnt care. The only thing that would bother me is if there wasn't SOMETHiNG provided. I don't think you should have to pay for soda or juice. The practice in my circle that most people agree is rude is that SO don't get invited unless the couple is "serious". "Serious" is defined by whether they have been introduced to the family, invited to Christmas, etc. I've never been invited to a wedding with a 1.
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  • chelseamb11chelseamb11 member
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    edited April 2012
    You're not supposed to put zip codes on the invites?  Whoops ;)
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_upset-after-reading-comments-on-an-article?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:02058a39-fe42-465d-8743-628f64ede6b2Post:c2b8885f-2eed-4e14-a742-1a8659f54105">Re: upset after reading comments on an article</a>:
    [QUOTE]I will confess something to you ladies: I've only been saved from etiquette faux pas because people saved me and never told me. 1. I was totally willing to host my own E-party but my mom offered to host and I was none the wiser. 2. I 100% never knew a cash bar was rude. I'm from a different country (Barbados) and there is never an angry mention with a cash bar; hosting and then closing the bar where I'm from is extremely rude because it forces your guests to have only your options. I'm not saying either culture is wrong but it was a real glass of cold water when I started planning a wedding in the US. I'm having a full open bar because it's what we can afford and most of our families and friends are very heavy drinkers. <strong>3. I didn't know you weren't supposed to put the zip code on the invites; again, where I'm from there are no zip codes so I truly didn't know that this was very frowned upon and my guests would think I was an idiot.</strong> The printer had taken them out without my knowing, so again, saved there. And those were only my top three. I think that even if you do something etiquette dictates is a no-no (well short of maybe doing the topless hula on the shoulders of a groomsman) your guests would love you enough to let it go. I hope the people I want to witness my marriage and celebrate with me won't judge me - I love them and I wouldn't judge them and I never go if I have any question about my comfort level with their traditions. We declined a wedding in Minnesota because the ceremony is at 10 am and the reception is at 6 pm and I don't know what I would want to do in Minnesota for 6+ hours. I don't judge them, but I knew I wouldn't be comfortable so I declined - I hope my guests would give me the same courtesy.
    Posted by melntaitt[/QUOTE]
    Where did you hear that you're not supposed to put zip codes on the invite?  I've never heard that before.  And why would your guests think you're and idiot for following basic mailing procedure?
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  • Spiffy,

    Like when giving the address of where your ceremony is to be held.. you don't put the zip code for that location.

    Not that you don't put the zip code of the guests you're sending to.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_upset-after-reading-comments-on-an-article?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:02058a39-fe42-465d-8743-628f64ede6b2Post:758317c1-13a1-457c-b056-00fa28d3bc1a">Re: upset after reading comments on an article</a>:
    [QUOTE]Spiffy, Like when giving the address of where your ceremony is to be held.. you don't put the zip code for that location. Not that you don't put the zip code of the guests you're sending to.
    Posted by SoSaysTara[/QUOTE]

    This is what I meant Spiffy - sorry for the confustion.

    I put the zip codes on the ceremony/reception location because I really didn't know any better.
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  • edited April 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_upset-after-reading-comments-on-an-article?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:02058a39-fe42-465d-8743-628f64ede6b2Post:fb654116-c87c-465a-abc4-1cd4ec8c698e">Re:upset after reading comments on an article</a>:
    [QUOTE]The open bar thing is just wrong. The article is obviously written by someone from NJ or Long island because those are the only places I can think of where that is the standard.
    Posted by daria24[/QUOTE]<div>
    I live in Michigan and have never been to a cash bar wedding. To be honest I would consider it rude and wrong. However, this is just the norm around here. I don't look down on people from other areas who do a cash bar because it is there norm. </div><div>
    </div><div>Many people hate the dollar dance but in my family and friends group it is weird if you don't have one. I'm not doing one but more because fi is from a different state so I don't want it to llok weird.  </div>
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  • I was considering having a cash bar but my dad and stepmom are paying for the wedding and they wouldn't even entertain the idea. To them it would have been very rude. We're doing an open bar instead. I decided not to do the money dance figuring they would have the same reaction.
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  • The thing is, etiquette is not the same everywhere!  In some areas, people expect one thing, and in other areas, it's completely acceptable to do the opposite!  In the end, know your crowd, and do what you feel comfortable with because it is YOUR day (not the person who wrote the article).

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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.weddingchannel.com/main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_upset-after-reading-comments-on-an-article?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:02058a39-fe42-465d-8743-628f64ede6b2Post:02455b58-4274-4ac5-ab58-8b84daefc313">Re: upset after reading comments on an article</a>:
    [QUOTE]You're not supposed to put zip codes on the invites?  Whoops ;)
    Posted by chelseamb11[/QUOTE]

    I didn't know this!  I thought it had to have a zip code to be mailed.  Oh well, anyone offended doesn't have to come!
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.weddingchannel.com/main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_upset-after-reading-comments-on-an-article?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:02058a39-fe42-465d-8743-628f64ede6b2Post:758317c1-13a1-457c-b056-00fa28d3bc1a">Re: upset after reading comments on an article</a>:
    [QUOTE]Spiffy, Like when giving the address of where your ceremony is to be held.. you don't put the zip code for that location. Not that you don't put the zip code of the guests you're sending to.
    Posted by SoSaysTara[/QUOTE]

    Oh, that makes more sense!
  • I think that weddings are just a bundle of 'you should do it this way or else'.  I say screw it, I don't care what other people think is 'proper' - It's my wedding!  haha
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  • im having a cash bar.. i've been to both open and cash bar receptions. One of my attendants has already asked me if i was gonna have an open bar, i told her no. I figure when she starts to plan her wedding and sees how much it really cost she'll understand ;)

    Honestly, i know most of my guest would prefer a open bar, i mean who wouldn't? but the fact of the matter is we simplg can't afford it. PLUS i would prefer not to have a bunch of raving drunks by the end of the night. I know how some of my friends get, because at times i've been there right beside them! haha

    its my wedding, they are going to know what to expect because FI made his own wedding website to let them know the details... they don't like it... don't come... thats my opinion, there suppose to be there to support us not drink on our dime
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  • I agree with what you guys are saying. I guess what got me is that some people judge others on the choices they have made. like someone above said, some things are universal while other etiquette and tradition norms differ.
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  • We are having a cash bar and a dollar dance. I know that etiquette says not to but I have never been to a wedding where they haven't. That is what happens in our circle. I have learned a lot about etiquette from the etiquette board but in my circle these things are accepted and expected.
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