Dealing with post-wedding issues

rasp.berry

I wish this was an AW post, but I don't have any pictures back from our photographers yet.

Instead, this is a post looking for some advice about dealing with post-wedding issues. Specifically, I've had 3 close friends tell me how hurt they were about not being invited to the wedding. Not inviting them was not a statement about the quality of our friendships and I would have loved to include them but at the time, my reasons not to were compelling.

First, it was being the centre of attention. We both hate it, so we settled on a guest list of 50, not including us or the bridal party. This meant leaving out family and friends. Our second reason was budget. This is ONE day of our lives together, and we didn't want to spend our downpayment for our house on it. Inviting those 3 friends meant a total of 10 extra invitations between spouses/partners/kids. The third reason was (probably) the stupidest of them all. All 3 friends would have had substantial traveling to do to get to the wedding. Two of them were a 3.5 hr drive away, the other a 10+ hour flight. I guess that in a weird, twisted way, I thought I was almost doing them a favor by not asking them to be there so they wouldn't feel obliged. Two of the friends had a terrible experience being in a wedding for one of our middle school friend and both expressed their hate for weddings. I figured mine wouldn't be any different.

Now that I've written a novel, you can probably pick up on the fact that I feel terribly that they are hurt. Any ideas on how I could deal with this fall out?

MoonlightSilver

If they bring it up again, just go "Sorry, we couldn't invite everyone who we wanted to be there. How has your summer been going?" 

You are in no way obligated to explain yourself to them. You can't go back in time now, so I don't think it helps to rehash the discussion over and over. If you lived closer, I'd say plan a get together for later in the summer, but it's up to you whether that's feasible. 

melntaitt

I agree with moonlight - you owe them no explanation. I would just tell them it was unfortunate that everyone you wanted there couldn't be invited and move on.

You can't please the world and I kinda find it a little rude on their parts to bring it up to you - so what they weren't invited? They can't expect an invitation to every single life event of every single person in their lives. It's silly to expect that.

This will pass - there was one persistent co-worker who bounced from me to H when I told him he wasn't invited. He kept it up for WEEKS even though I changed the subject, etc. and finally went to H to ask for an invite - this dude was just straight up RUDE. Now he's giving me the cold shoulder at work - whatever - my wedding was not your social introduction to our office. Trust me, it's will pass one way or another and people that feel you are obligated to invite them are not worth your time.

[Deleted User]

I'm dreading this issue as we had very, very similar reasons for keeping our guest list small. I know that there are hurt feelings and that was never my intention - there was just no possible way to deal with everyone.

I think that what you wrote here would be enough to allow them to understand. If they are still hurt, that's their issue to deal with. You weren't wrong - but I know it's a tough spot to be in.

rikkidawn28

Could you have a more casual post wedding celebration at your home with soda and tacos for guests who werent invited or could not attend? I am considering doing that but it will take some time before I can plan it.

kristin183

I don't think you owe them an explanation at all; but I do think if you explained to them some of the reasons they may understand. Personally, If a friend told me I wasn't invited because they had a very small guests list and couldn't exceed that I would understand.

So sorry you are having to go through this.

MiksChick23

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_dealing-with-post-wedding-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:1f5e62f7-38f9-4104-8e0f-5d75c26ee0fbPost:b9f2a7e4-47b8-4c48-a8ca-b42629d53ff5">Dealing with post-wedding issues</a>:
[QUOTE]I wish this was an AW post, but I don't have any pictures back from our photographers yet. Instead, this is a post looking for some advice about dealing with post-wedding issues. Specifically, I've had 3 close friends tell me how hurt they were about not being invited to the wedding. Not inviting them was not a statement about the quality of our friendships and I would have loved to include them but at the time, my reasons not to were compelling. First, it was being the centre of attention. We both hate it, so we settled on a guest list of 50, not including us or the bridal party. This meant leaving out family and friends. Our second reason was budget. This is ONE day of our lives together, and we didn't want to spend our downpayment for our house on it. Inviting those 3 friends meant a total of 10 extra invitations between spouses/partners/kids. The third reason was (probably) the stupidest of them all. All 3 friends would have had substantial traveling to do to get to the wedding. Two of them were a 3.5 hr drive away, the other a 10+ hour flight. I guess that in a weird, twisted way, I thought I was almost doing them a favor by not asking them to be there so they wouldn't feel obliged. Two of the friends had a terrible experience being in a wedding for one of our middle school friend and both expressed their hate for weddings. I figured mine wouldn't be any different. Now that I've written a novel, you can probably pick up on the fact that I feel terribly that they are hurt. Any ideas on how I could deal with this fall out?
Posted by rasp.berry[/QUOTE]

You obviously had a very small guest list, and couldn't include everyone. I get feeling bad, but they should not be guilting you, rather congradulating you. Could you throw a post-wedding get-together with them where you can share memories? 90% of our guests drove over 3 hours so that really isn't that far. We always make that drive to visit family and friends.