June 2012 Weddings
Options

Bridesmaid issue...

So as some of you may know, I was previously engaged. Since that engagement ended less than a year ago, I feel obligated to have the same ladies be my bridesmaids. However, for that engagement I had 7 girls. My ex-fiance had no sisters. My current FI has one sister and only wants me to have 6 BM at most. That means I have to cut two of my friends. 

So, one has moved across the country and so I am trying to get a hold of her to see if she would mind just being an "honorary BM" since she'll miss out on all the BM stuff. She's pretty cool and if I explain to her why I'm needing to cut it down she would not be hurt at all. 

The other one I'm thinking of cutting is a HS friend who I've grown apart from in so many ways. She asked me to be in her WP two years ago and even then I wasn't sure why. I asked her to be in mine literally as a second pick. The problem is she is really pushing for us to stay friends and I struggle to see why. I'm trying but seriously we have strongly differing view points on life in general. When we do hang out we don't have anything to talk about. I actually feel awkward around her b/c our lives are soooo different.

All that being said, we do still have a history and I don't want to burn bridges by not asking her to be in my WP this second time. I think if there were a couple years difference I might feel different about the situation, but since it is so soon...I don't. 

I've talked to one of my other BM's about it and she was agreeing with me that this could get messy. 

So, I'm thinking I either have to be mean to her and cut her out or talk to FI and beg him to let me have a ginormous wedding party. He's just said from the beginning he wants it small. I don't wanna Carrie Bradshaw the wedding. :/

Re: Bridesmaid issue...

  • I wouldn't want someone in my bridal party just because I felt obligated to have them in my bridal party.  If she's going to get mad at you for not asking her to be in your wedding then so be it.  You said it yourself that you are struggling making your friendship work so this might confirm that to her.

    I've had plenty of very close friends NOT ask me to be in their wedding.  Yes, I was kind of shocked, but when I really thought about it, it was not that big of a deal and I wasn't going to end my friendship because of it.
    Photobucket
  • Well I think its ok to not ask the bridesmaid that you've grown apart from.  She must realize that you aren't as close anymore and if you're not interested in maintaining the friendship anyway then that's a good way to signal it.  I definitely do not think you're obligated to have the same bridal party as before; this is a new relationship and not only have circumstances changed but you may have changed as well.

    I don't know if I'd have the "honorary bridesmaid" talk with the girl that lives far away.  Almost none of my BMs live in the same town as me but I think asking someone to be your bridesmaid is more about who you're closest with and less about who is available to help with wedding things (not to sound bitchy).  I always think a good test is to ask yourself which ladies you'd call in the middle of the night if something terrible were to happen.  If you're that close with this girl then I think she should be included.

    Is there a concrete reason you have to have 6 BMs?  I was trying to keep mine at 5 until I realized there is just no way that is going to happen; so we will most likely have to have a few groomsmen walk down with two bridesmaids (if you're worried about "evenness"). 
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic June 2012 Siggy: Favorite Engagement Picture! Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • edited May 2011
    I agree with spiffy. You shouldn't feel obligated to have anyone in your WP. You should choose them based on your friendship and desire to have them stand up for you on your wedding day. It sounds like this particiular friend does not fit the bill.

    I think that "honorary bridesmaid" only fits if that person is somehow unable to attend the wedding due to illness, military, *heaven forbid* death, etc. If she will be there, guests will be confused as to why she's not just standing up there with you.

    Does your FI only want you to have 6 at most because he only has 6 guys to be groomsmen? If so, the sides don't have to match. You could have 8 (or 7) and he could have 6 (or less) and you would be fine.

    With your FI not wanting you to have more than 6 BMs, I feel like this is one of those "pick your battles" situations and that he should just let you have one or two more BMs. That's just my opinion.

    EDIT: Wrong number in one part.
  • I'm a little confused - have you already confirmed with them that they would "still" be your BMs?  If not, I would consider it a clean slate rather than thinking of it as having to cut people.  As far as feeling "obligated" to have all the same ladies, there really is no obligation to pick anyone as your bridesmaid.  If the girls who aren't asked again ask you why they weren't picked a second time, just explain that things change and you and your FI agreed to have a smaller party.

    Finally, if you really don't want to make any changes other than adding FI's sister, explain to FI that it's not going to change your invite list, it's only going to determine whether they're standing next to you or just watching the ceremony. 
    Mrs. Abbe Peanut Butter || Planning Bio
    June 2012 February Signature: Favorite picture of you & FI
  • Oh, and as for the "Honorary" BM, I agree with michellep1 & midget - my MOH was in Louisiana, and may now be moving to North Carolina; I haven't seen her in 3 years, and might not get to see her again until the wedding itself.  Not being able to attend "BM things" shouldn't keep someone from being in your WP.  I would be mildly offended if I was asked to be an honorary just because I couldn't attend a bachelorette party.
    Mrs. Abbe Peanut Butter || Planning Bio
    June 2012 February Signature: Favorite picture of you & FI
  • I agree with everything DrPB said.

    Personally, I think anything over 2 BMs is no longer a "small" WP.  In your position, I might suggest just not asking the HS friend and having FSIL instead which would keep your numbers the same.  As for the friend across the country, if you feel you would want her there, ask her.  I'm sure she would try to make it and if she can't make it for whatever reason, she should still be listed in your program or whatever as a BM.
  • Hmm..you all have very good points. I especially like michelle's middle of the night test. 

    I think I will look at it like a clean slate and just go from there.

    FI has some quirks that are kinda random like picking the number 6. IDK where it came from, but that's what he wants. I'm trying to respect it even though I don't understand it. 
  • I honestly don't think you need to have those who you asked to be in you WP with your prior engagement to be in your current one. I say leave that in the pass and move on with your new engagement. I'd pick those who I am closest to now, no matter how many. Have you confirmed with these girls that they will be BM in your current wedding?

    I think it is wrong of your FI to say you can't have more than 6 BM. I also think he is being unfair to want you to kick one of your BM to add his sister. I understand him wanting her in the WP but she could also stand his side. I think you need to stand your ground and have those closest to you.

    I don't think you should tell your friend she can be a "honorary BM" I don't mean to be rude but that's a bullshiit title. To me it says "oh you are not good enough to be a real BM" I agree with DrP, just because she can't be there until the wedding or attend pre-wedding parties doesnn't mean she can't be a real BM.

    If you haven't verbally confirmed with these ladies that they will be BM I wouldn't worry about it now. I am sure they will understand given that it is a new engagement that you would probably like to start off with a clean slate.
  • Ditto everything Dodgers said!
  • Are you making his sister a bridesmaid just because she's his sister, or are you actually close to her?  I would think there's no obligation to include her on your side.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_bridesmaid-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:4f5f639c-b188-4f04-bfb1-461c11974415Post:2f78c9bc-f8a1-4b63-b4f6-8f2a73b63109">Re: Bridesmaid issue...</a>:
    [QUOTE]I honestly don't think you need to have those who you asked to be in you WP with your prior engagement to be in your current one. I say leave that in the pass and move on with your new engagement. I'd pick those who I am closest to now, no matter how many. Have you confirmed with these girls that they will be BM in your current wedding? I think it is wrong of your FI to say you can't have more than 6 BM. I also think he is being unfair to want you to kick one of your BM to add his sister. I understand him wanting her in the WP but she could also stand his side. I think you need to stand your ground and have those closest to you. I don't think you should tell your friend she can be a "honorary BM" I don't mean to be rude but that's a bullshiit title. To me it says "oh you are not good enough to be a real BM" I agree with DrP, just because she can't be there until the wedding or attend pre-wedding parties doesnn't mean she can't be a real BM. If you haven't verbally confirmed with these ladies that they will be BM I wouldn't worry about it now. I am sure they will understand given that it is a new engagement that you would probably like to start off with a clean slate.
    Posted by DodgersBride[/QUOTE]

    This!  Everything Dodgers said.
    image
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_bridesmaid-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:4f5f639c-b188-4f04-bfb1-461c11974415Post:1516496f-b688-43ca-94e9-b44245750d4e">Re: Bridesmaid issue...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Are you making his sister a bridesmaid just because she's his sister, or are you actually close to her?  I would think there's no obligation to include her on your side.
    Posted by JenniferG76[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>I've never met her and honestly don't think I'm going to like her. Based on stuff he has told me, stuff his mother has said, and her FB. She seems to cause a lot of drama.</div>
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards