June 2012 Weddings

Father's family made it clear "I wasn't one of them". Redic long vent.

Disclaimer: This post is seriously long. I 'm not necessarily looking for responses, it was just more therapeutic than anything.

My father passed away almost 16 years ago. He was the "glue" that held the extended family together - always organizing family gatherings and celebrations. I was 8 years old when he died. I grew up around his family and felt loved by them.

About 2 years after he died, the rumour mill started churning about how none of them actually ever liked my mother in the first place (she had already been alienated by 99% of their "mutual" friends, who apparently were never mutual to begin with). They criticized her parenting, as if any of them had raised 3 young girls after the sudden death of their husband. Invitations to family gatherings trickled about 2 years after his death. My grandmother still hosts us at her house and genuinely cares to see us (and she's 90 for pete's sake!), but I've only ever gotten judgement from the rest of his family.

Things got even more tense once I got to high school. I avoided even going to my grandmothers house for fear of running into one of my aunts or uncles because they always had something to say about my life choices. It didn't get any better once FI and I had 2 children, back to back, out of wedlock. It's fine if they don't agree with our choices, but I felt completely pushed out of the family at that point.I got the sense that they thought I "tarnished the family name". It's not like I was doing crazy things, or ruining my life. Yes, things were harder because we were young, but it made us better, STRONGER people. We were incredibly responsible people and parents, even if we were young.

I have harboured ill feelings towards them because of their judgements, but still have always made an effort for "the sake of family". However, things have just continued to go downhill. I've been made to feel that "I'm not good enough" by them. Their daughters went to elite universities, didn't have babies unwedded, etc. I don't think our lives are comparable by any means. They have their fathers. They had a paid university education/paid weddings/paid vacations/paid everything. I've worked for every.single.thing I have because my father was the breadwinner in our family when he died. I think it makes me a better person, not "underprivileged".

To top it off, I was ripped off financially by two uncles for the ONLY thing I was specifically left by my father, which I didn't even know I owned. When I do see any of them once in a blue moon, it's the 3rd degree about what I'm doing with my life, who I'm working for, where I'm living - but always in a condescending way- as if to make sure that I'm "doing life right" as opposed to asking how I'm doing.

For the sake of preventing animosity (not that they love me now or anything), I invited them to the wedding. I went back and forth a lot about it, but I thought it would cause more drama if I didn't. I think this was a poor decision, because it's just given me more reason to feel left out from their circle.

Now I've found out nobody from that side of the fam can make my shower, and I haven't heard from any of them about the wedding except my grandmother. There's still a few days until the RSVP deadline, so we'll see.

I'm just feeling a bit sad, because I'm an aunt myself and I could never imagine pushing my nephew out of my life if my sister died. If anything, I would be concerned that his quality of life wouldn't be as good as before and I would do everything I could to support him.

I've come to the realization through this lovely therapeutic post that I was never truly loved by them. If you love someone, you don't judge as hard and as obviously as they did. You don't push a CHILD out of your family functions just because you might not like her mom much. You embrace that child with as much love as possible, because even if you can't replace to love she's missing from her daddy, you can help fill up her cup a little bit.

My dad is probably rolling over in his grave with the way they've treated my sisters and I over the last 16 years because it goes against the definition of family that he instilled in me. Le sigh. I think I'm done trying with them. It sucks, but I don't think it was really my choice. I wish things would have been different.
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Re: Father's family made it clear "I wasn't one of them". Redic long vent.

  • I like seriously long things...
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_why-does-my-fathers-family-have-to-make-it-clear-that-im-not-one-of-them-venting-ridic-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:6cfce6a2-4800-4051-b634-a51d5a7ff0b8Post:a2f981a5-26bb-45b0-9e02-eed001beb7e9">Re: Why does my father's family have to make it clear that</a>:
    [QUOTE]I like seriously long things...
    Posted by VaginaMonologues[/QUOTE]

    Clearly you didn't read the disclaimer.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • edited May 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_why-does-my-fathers-family-have-to-make-it-clear-that-im-not-one-of-them-venting-ridic-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:6cfce6a2-4800-4051-b634-a51d5a7ff0b8Post:dff67059-885b-4ddd-8c53-73327b19a979">Re: Why does my father's family have to make it clear that</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Why does my father's family have to make it clear that : Clearly you didn't read the disclaimer.
    Posted by rasp.berry[/QUOTE]

    clearly you didn't read my screen name
  • I'm not really into long things.  But hairy things?  Yes please.
    Photobucket
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_why-does-my-fathers-family-have-to-make-it-clear-that-im-not-one-of-them-venting-ridic-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:6cfce6a2-4800-4051-b634-a51d5a7ff0b8Post:818bd7e7-3786-49d9-8da0-635638b88654">Re: Why does my father's family have to make it clear that</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Why does my father's family have to make it clear that : clearly you didn't read my screen name
    Posted by VaginaMonologues[/QUOTE]

    hahahaha, you're right. I didn't. thanks for the laugh :)
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  • These AEs are making me giggle like an idiot.

    OP, I think you did something important here. You invited them, you were the bigger person, and you have nothing to feel guilty over. If they don't show, that's their own issue, but you made that effort. Now that none of them are coming (less people to feed, bright side!) you have a choice to make - is this going to be closure from the family, or are you going to keep trying and always getting hurt?

    I don't think that side of the family is healthy for you. You obviously had different circumstances and rather than playing victim, you've talked about how you worked for things and became a better person because of that. You don't sit around and whine that nothing was handed to you. It's built your character with beautiful traits you can pass along to your children.

    These people clearly suck. Don't feel bad, it's not you, even if it feels like it is. You were a child when tragedy hit your family, and whatever the issue is with your mom shouldn't be passed along to your fathers children.
    image
  • If I were in your shoes I would be heartbroken.  I think the outlook you have to hold for yourself and your children is that they aren't worth your time anymore.  It's very sad that they have treated you this way through the years.  Try really hard to not let them get to you anymore.  Their lack of interest in coming to your shower and wedding may be a blessing even though it might hurt you.  

    Look forward and just appreciate the people you do have in your life that love you and your family unconditionally. :)
    image 145 Invited
    image 121 Are ready to party!
    image 24 Will be missing out!
    image Everyone has finally RSVP'd!!!
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  • Honestly though, that entire family sounds like sacks of steaming cow dung.  Screw 'em.
    Photobucket
  • edited May 2012
    I am very sorry you have to go through this. It is something I have worried about a lot, my husband died when my kids were 12, 7 and 2..it has been 6 years and his family have not seen my kids, called to see how they are doing, anything.

    As the mom all I can say is I am sure your mom has done the very best she can and if your dads family doesn't want to be in your life they are missing out...even if it doesn't seem like it, you are better off with the people you know love you and have been there for you all along.
    Your wedding will be beautiful and you will know the people who are there love you...that's a good thing.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Thanks for the kind words ladies. I've always struggled with always giving people the benefit of the doubt, but I've been working on that. I didn't even fully accept that my uncles had taken financial advantage of me until about 2 years after I signed the paperwork. By that time, I had taken a contract law course and realized that they went completely against all contract law with how it went down and I could have completely nullified the contract. And one of those uncles is a lawyer! and the other was a banker!! wtf, right?!

    But regardless, I honestly and truly believed that they wouldn't take advantage of me because they were my family. Obviously I was wrong. Learned from that one.
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  • "And one of those uncles is a lawyer! and the other was a banker!! wtf, right?! "

    (work won't let me quote)

    So they knew exactly what they were doing..
    image
  • The family sounds like a bunch of diicks (and believe me, I know about diicks.) Sorry you have to go through this.
    image
    image
    Free Rides
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_why-does-my-fathers-family-have-to-make-it-clear-that-im-not-one-of-them-venting-ridic-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:6cfce6a2-4800-4051-b634-a51d5a7ff0b8Post:69d58fa2-df62-4e65-bd8a-10c25b3fb159">Re: Father's family made it clear "I wasn't one of them". Redic long vent.</a>:
    [QUOTE]"And one of those uncles is a lawyer! and the other was a banker!! wtf, right?! " (work won't let me quote) So they knew exactly what they were doing..
    Posted by brittneyh4[/QUOTE]

    Yup, they sure did.

    Their timing was also extremely questionable. My son was born 3 days after I became legal age to sign the paperwork myself, and they showed up unannounced 5 days after that - on my first Mother's Day to boot. Because we all know that people should be making potentially life altering decisions 5 days post partum. They also brought my grandmother with them to squeeze my shoulders and insist that by doing this, it would be helping her. I was mad at her for a while too, but now I think she genuinely believed their stories. After all, they were her lawyer and her banker.

    I'm still not really over that tidbit of my life, and feel bad about making a shitteous decision even if I was coerced. Guilty that I gave up the one thing my dad left me the same day I found out about it... I don't generally have regrets, but this is always the one thing I would take back if I could. Unfortunately, the statute of limitations is up and there's nothing I can do but pretend it never happened so I don't feel crappy about it.
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  • If you pretend it never happened, it'll always be in your mind. Anytime I say "I can't do xyz" it only makes me want xyz even more. You've learned from it and also learned what kind of people your uncles are. That right there would make me keep my distance. If anything it would make closure easier for me. It's not like you want to close the door on a bunch of people who have been wonderful and gracious to you.
    image
  • edited May 2012
    Can I get some cliff notes?
    image It's a MOUSE!
  • I'm so sorry.

    Sounds like you are the bigger person though.  I applaud you for that.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_why-does-my-fathers-family-have-to-make-it-clear-that-im-not-one-of-them-venting-ridic-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:6cfce6a2-4800-4051-b634-a51d5a7ff0b8Post:3a352bce-8467-4ccb-9a42-2ba779598d80">Re:Father's family made it clear quot;I wasn't one of themquot;. Redic long vent.</a>:
    [QUOTE]Can I get some cliff notes?
    Posted by highfivevaginatime[/QUOTE]

    To condense, my dad's family sucks.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Wow, I seriously feel for you. As a young mother (of 2 out of wedlock as well) I seriously understand where you are coming from about family being hurtful about that. I seriously hope that they DON'T show up to your wedding.. because I have a feeling you will be so much more relax & have more fun without them dragging your day down.
    Married 6/23/2012 Photobucket
  • I'm sorry your dad's family is a pile of cockjuggling thundercunts. 

    I send you hugs.
    image It's a MOUSE!
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_why-does-my-fathers-family-have-to-make-it-clear-that-im-not-one-of-them-venting-ridic-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:6cfce6a2-4800-4051-b634-a51d5a7ff0b8Post:147213a0-6917-4714-aa61-301885281042">Re: Father's family made it clear "I wasn't one of them". Redic long vent.</a>:
    [QUOTE]These AEs are making me giggle like an idiot. OP, I think you did something important here. You invited them, you were the bigger person, and you have nothing to feel guilty over. If they don't show, that's their own issue, but you made that effort. Now that none of them are coming (less people to feed, bright side!) you have a choice to make - is this going to be closure from the family, or are you going to keep trying and always getting hurt? I don't think that side of the family is healthy for you. You obviously had different circumstances and rather than playing victim, you've talked about how you worked for things and became a better person because of that. You don't sit around and whine that nothing was handed to you. It's built your character with beautiful traits you can pass along to your children. These people clearly suck. Don't feel bad, it's not you , even if it feels like it is. You were a child when tragedy hit your family, and whatever the issue is with your mom shouldn't be passed along to your fathers children.
    Posted by brittneyh4[/QUOTE]

    <div>I agree with this! Don't feel bad rasp.berry! :hugs:</div>
    Warning No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
  • All I can say is that you sound like an incredible, strong person.  I also have scum of the earth relatives, and it continues to affect my family to this day, far more deeply than it should.

    I'm sorry your family has done this to you, because that certainly doesn't fit my definition of "family."  It's definitely hard when you find out who your TRUE family is - sometimes we're born into it, sometimes we make it, sometimes a little of both.  I commend you for being the better person throughout all of this, and know that all of their judging and nastiness is likely a sign that they are not happy people, and their own issues are really getting to them.

    I've done a lot to protect myself from my toxic family members, but the unfortunate thing is that we're socialized to believe that family should always be there for us.  Even when we've come to terms with their unreliability, ill will, and general negativity, we still end up with a little nugget of hope that they're going to come around because it's the right thing to do.  Unfortunately, I don't know what to do with that nugget yet either.
    Mrs. Abbe Peanut Butter || Planning Bio
    June 2012 February Signature: Favorite picture of you & FI
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