June 16th!!! MOH/BM issues anyone??

shanay981

It's almost here!! As of tomorrow our countdown will be in single digits! Crazy, considering my fianc and I have been engaged for just about 2 yrs. together for 10! It's been a long road :
Although we are very excited for our big day.. Fianc I have been dealing with some crappy bridal party members. It's upsetting.. Especially since we are now 10 days out.
To be more specific, our MOH BM are a married couple. They both have been our very best friends for the length of our relationship. Been through everything together! We would have never thought to ask any other people to fill these roles on our most important day. Weve always talked about and envisioned our day with them theoughout the years. All the planning and fun things together.
Skip to present day, we are in the home stretch here and they are SO far from that reality. My MOH has not done anything with me through out our whole planning process. I've asked her to come along for appointments etc. to involve her bc I value her opinion, and she has bailed on me every time. I've always brushed it off...Never really showing the interest in our day as much as we used to laugh and talk about it in the past. There have been more issues than I can count. We had issues with her and my bridal shower, my bachelorette last weekend also my fiance's Stag. Basically they both have been nonexistent for everything. My mother for the most part threw my shower/paid for it etc. My bachelorette that my MOH insisted on handling etc. was uncomfortable and she was extremely rude throughout the whole weekend my fiance's stag was thrown and organized by my father! His BM left everything to my dad and didn't even offer to help!
Don't get me wrong.. Our wedding is much more than these parties etc.
It is more importantly about he I and our love for each other.
However, I can't help but feel sad that with 2 weeks to go, the people we counted on to be there the most our best friends have been completely uninvolved in everything. But what are we to do?? "Fire" them 2 weeks out? So frustrating.
Just wanted to express my feelings about this and ask if anyone else at this stage is dealing with crappy bridal party members?? How do you ignore their callousness and just enjoy your day??
I'm having trouble letting go of this.. feel I need to to be able to to enjoy our day. Anyone have thoughts?

PopPow

My MOH keeps coming up with a long list of songs she doesnt want the dj to play. I just politely listen but I am not excluding a certain type of music because she doesnt like it. Many of my guests do like it and its not a big deal to me. BM has been non exsistant. I had to reach out to him to see if he and FI were going to do something lowkey like go out for drinks before the wedding. He said sure but then bailed a few weeks before it was going to happen.

L&J2012

Honestly, just forget about it. You don't need to be stressing about something else so close to the wedding. If you go over to the Wedding Party board, you will see many posts along the same line as yours, and the ladies always have the same advice: the only requirement they have is to get their outfits and show up sober. Helping out with other things is nice, but no one will ever be as excited about your wedding as you are, and they all have their lives.

My sister (MOH) hasn't really done much, because she isn't the planning type and she's still in school with no job. The only thing FI's best man is doing is organizing the bachelor party. And we are perfectly fine with that, because we has each other and our parents to help us plan. Sorry to be a Debbie Downer, but you really shouldn't be putting more stress on yourself 9 days out. Just relax and enjoy your last few days being engaged

Hope this helps!

Ash61612

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_june-16th-mohbm-issues-anyone?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:b62184d5-a65a-42a1-ab33-3cb012ac6a9ePost:67a8db95-c732-4d54-b673-aefb0cff9c8a">Re:June 16th!!! MOH/BM issues anyone??</a>:
[QUOTE]Honestly,<strong> just forget about it. You don't need to be stressing about something else so close to the wedding. If you go over to the Wedding Party board, you will see many posts along the same line as yours, and the ladies always have the same advice: the only requirement they have is to get their outfits and show up sober.</strong> Helping out with other things is nice, but no one will ever be as excited about your wedding as you are, and they all have their lives. My sister (MOH) hasn't really done much, because she isn't the planning type and she's still in school with no job. The only thing FI's best man is doing is organizing the bachelor party. And we are perfectly fine with that, because we has each other and our parents to help us plan. <strong>Sorry to be a Debbie Downer, but you really shouldn't be putting more stress on yourself 9 days out. Just relax and enjoy your last few days being engaged :) Hope this helps!</strong>
Posted by L&J2012[/QUOTE]

<div>I agree with this. FI hasn't had a bachelor party and I haven't asked his BM about it because its not my place and its plan rude to ask people about a party they are planning for you or your FI. Granted all of our groomsmen but 1 live across the US but still. </div>

julbgordo

I wouldn't sweat the small stuff and in this case these issues are the small stuff.  My BP hasn't been very involved either.  Distance and finances are primary reasons for that.  I still had a lovely shower thrown by my mom and FI's BM (his brother) is trying to get a group of guys together to do something for his bachelor party the Friday before the wedding (wedding on a Sunday).  They haven't been involved in the planning process either.  They have their own life going on and as friends/family, we completely understand that. 

As PPs have said, relax.  Enjoy these last few days.  The day will go off without a hitch and you'll be happily married.  In the end, that's what it's all about.  Good luck!

rasp.berry

Weddings don't always bring out the best of people. This day is for you and your FI, and as much as you wanted them to be involved with wedding and party planning, honestly their only responsibility is to buy a dress and show up on the big day. Everything else is optional, and it's clear that they've opted out. While that's disappointing, there's not much that can be done about it now.

The only advice I can offer is related to your comment about firing them at 2 weeks out. Only do this if you are prepared to no longer have a relationship with this couple. It's a friendship ending move, and will cause a lot of hurt. I would encourage you to try and be the bigger person on this one and move forward with your bridal party as planned, but only you can make that decision.

Good luck, and I'm sorry you're dealing with this right now.

sarahlm619

I understand you being hurt -- but agree that you shouldn't worry about it!  All these things you're talking about (the  bachelor/bachelorette party, your shower, fittings) -- none of those things are "requirements" for making someone a good or bad MOH or BM.  Would it have been nice had they stepped up and been excited for you, obviously!  But they didn't!  I think the 10 years that you all have been friends should certainly mean more to you than this!

MoonlightSilver

Honestly, your MOH and BM don't have to do these things, and expecting them is probably what's causing so many hurt feelings. No one is going to care about your wedding as much as you do- not even 10 days out. Have you been talking with your MOH about non-wedding things? Is something going on in her life or relationship? 

As far as "firing" them, that's really extreme. You would end a 10 year friendship over the fact that she didn't plan some parties for you? I think you need to step back and look at the big picture here. Do they have their dress and suit/tux? Are they coming to the wedding day? If yes, then they are there for you. 

Megbo2012

Your MOH/BM are married, they are probably kind of busy and wedding parties/details probably don't titillate them they way they might have years ago. Like PPs have said, these parties are bonuses, but not truly anyone's responsibility to do.  These are your friends, and sometimes I think brides expect too much of their friends for weddings.  Most people don't care as much as you. 

Honestly you are sounding a little zillaish. If you've been non-stop wedding for the past 2 years I could see a married couple whose already settled drifting away. Do you ever ask her to come over for non-wedding things?

afmilner

Were you the MOH (or even just a BM) in her wedding? If so, did you help plan all of the extra parties and help with a lot of wedding tasks?

chelseakopperud

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_june-16th-mohbm-issues-anyone?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:b62184d5-a65a-42a1-ab33-3cb012ac6a9ePost:2d2c0d7b-14ba-4168-9471-be1c7611844d">Re: June 16th!!! MOH/BM issues anyone??</a>:
[QUOTE]Your MOH/BM are married, they are probably kind of busy and wedding parties/details probably don't titillate them they way they might have years ago. Like PPs have said, these parties are bonuses, but not truly anyone's responsibility to do.  These are your friends, and sometimes I think brides expect too much of their friends for weddings.  Most people don't care as much as you.  Honestly you are sounding a little zillaish. If you've been non-stop wedding for the past 2 years I could see a married couple whose already settled drifting away. Do you ever ask her to come over for non-wedding things?
Posted by Megbo2012[/QUOTE]

This exactly.

michellep1

I'm having a couple MOH issues.  My Maid of Honor is great, couldn't have asked for anything more, and I guess that's why my Matron of Honor looks kind of unsupportive in comparison.  She does live far away but she let my other MOH do basically all of the planning and spending for the bachelorette and never even really responded when that MOH would ask a question of the group as a whole.  She's also now giving me sh!t about announcing her and her husband (a GM) at the wedding together, when I had her lined up to go with a BM (we also have two).  I told her I had to look into it later because I didn't have my stuff with me, and now she's ignoring my texts that aren't related to this issue.  Very mature.  I think its because she had a courthouse wedding and she's slightly jealous that I'm doing the whole big shebang, but that was her decision.

My advice would be to let it go.  I'm trying really hard to follow my own advice at this point, so I feel your pain, but if it's something that you won't care about in 5 years, just try to forget it.

Danidawn20

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_june-16th-mohbm-issues-anyone?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:b62184d5-a65a-42a1-ab33-3cb012ac6a9ePost:2d2c0d7b-14ba-4168-9471-be1c7611844d">Re: June 16th!!! MOH/BM issues anyone??</a>:
[QUOTE]Your MOH/BM are married, they are probably kind of busy and wedding parties/details probably don't titillate them they way they might have years ago. Like PPs have said, these parties are bonuses, but not truly anyone's responsibility to do.  These are your friends, and sometimes I think brides expect too much of their friends for weddings.  Most people don't care as much as you.  Honestly you are sounding a little zillaish. If you've been non-stop wedding for the past 2 years I could see a married couple whose already settled drifting away. Do you ever ask her to come over for non-wedding things?
Posted by Megbo2012[/QUOTE]

<div>
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tgerl

I think you should focus on your day and not worry about these things.  The only thing they are required to do is stand by your side at the ceremony, which I'm sure they will do.  Anything else is at their discretion.  They could have something going on in their life that you don't know about and it's not worth ruining a friendship over.

My MOH has not attended my shower, bachelorette party, or helped with anything.  It has been frustrating at times, but she will be there the day of the wedding and that is all that matters.

shanay981

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_june-16th-mohbm-issues-anyone?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:b62184d5-a65a-42a1-ab33-3cb012ac6a9ePost:cd05da06-bf5f-4895-9e61-98af7ff3b087">Re: June 16th!!! MOH/BM issues anyone??</a>:
[QUOTE]Were you the MOH (or even just a BM) in her wedding? If so, did you help plan all of the extra parties and help with a lot of wedding tasks?
Posted by afmilner[/QUOTE]
Hi!, Yes, I was a Bridesmaid in her wedding 6 years ago.. and every day since then she has told me her "regret" of not having me as a MOH for her simply b/c I did most of the stuff for her wedding. I didn't do those things with an expectation that it would have to be done for me.. but I just felt like a MOH should at least be interested?! Maybe I'm wrong...

shanay981

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_june-16th-mohbm-issues-anyone?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:b62184d5-a65a-42a1-ab33-3cb012ac6a9ePost:67a8db95-c732-4d54-b673-aefb0cff9c8a">Re:June 16th!!! MOH/BM issues anyone??</a>:
[QUOTE]Honestly, just forget about it. You don't need to be stressing about something else so close to the wedding. If you go over to the Wedding Party board, you will see many posts along the same line as yours, and the ladies always have the same advice: the only requirement they have is to get their outfits and show up sober. Helping out with other things is nice, but no one will ever be as excited about your wedding as you are, and they all have their lives. My sister (MOH) hasn't really done much, because she isn't the planning type and she's still in school with no job. The only thing FI's best man is doing is organizing the bachelor party. And we are perfectly fine with that, because we has each other and our parents to help us plan. Sorry to be a Debbie Downer, but you really shouldn't be putting more stress on yourself 9 days out. Just relax and enjoy your last few days being engaged :) Hope this helps!
Posted by L&J2012[/QUOTE]
Not a Debbie Downer at all!!.. I appreciate your thoughts!! Thanks for the words of advice to just enjoy the last few days... b/c I think I've forgotten about that part!!  

shanay981

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_june-16th-mohbm-issues-anyone?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:b62184d5-a65a-42a1-ab33-3cb012ac6a9ePost:6f53620a-ff63-4e2c-8d36-c049305750fb">Re: June 16th!!! MOH/BM issues anyone??</a>:
[QUOTE]I wouldn't sweat the small stuff and in this case these issues are the small stuff.  My BP hasn't been very involved either.  Distance and finances are primary reasons for that.  I still had a lovely shower thrown by my mom and FI's BM (his brother) is trying to get a group of guys together to do something for his bachelor party the Friday before the wedding (wedding on a Sunday).  They haven't been involved in the planning process either.  They have their own life going on and as friends/family, we completely understand that.  As PPs have said, relax.  Enjoy these last few days.  The day will go off without a hitch and you'll be happily married.  In the end, that's what it's all about.  Good luck!
Posted by julbgordo[/QUOTE]

Thank you so much for your words of encouragement!!.

shanay981

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_june-16th-mohbm-issues-anyone?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:b62184d5-a65a-42a1-ab33-3cb012ac6a9ePost:336a383a-4317-44bd-a01a-f13520605f68">Re: June 16th!!! MOH/BM issues anyone??</a>:
[QUOTE]Weddings don't always bring out the best of people. This day is for you and your FI, and as much as you wanted them to be involved with wedding and party planning, honestly their only responsibility is to buy a dress and show up on the big day. Everything else is optional, and it's clear that they've opted out. While that's disappointing, there's not much that can be done about it now. The only advice I can offer is related to your comment about firing them at 2 weeks out. Only do this if you are prepared to no longer have a relationship with this couple. It's a friendship ending move, and will cause a lot of hurt. I would encourage you to try and be the bigger person on this one and move forward with your bridal party as planned, but only you can make that decision. Good luck, and I'm sorry you're dealing with this right now.
Posted by rasp.berry[/QUOTE]

Thank you so much for your advice! I guess I was in need of a reminder of WHO our day was for ... thank you!

shanay981

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_june-16th-mohbm-issues-anyone?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:b62184d5-a65a-42a1-ab33-3cb012ac6a9ePost:9751c2f4-53a9-44e6-898c-683d9229f7f1">Re: June 16th!!! MOH/BM issues anyone??</a>:
[QUOTE]Honestly, your MOH and BM don't have to do these things, and expecting them is probably what's causing so many hurt feelings. No one is going to care about your wedding as much as you do- not even 10 days out. Have you been talking with your MOH about non-wedding things? Is something going on in her life or relationship?  As far as "firing" them, that's really extreme. You would end a 10 year friendship over the fact that she didn't plan some parties for you? I think you need to step back and look at the big picture here. Do they have their dress and suit/tux? Are they coming to the wedding day? If yes, then they are there for you. 
Posted by MoonlightSilver[/QUOTE]

Hi MoonlightSilver... I appreciate your advice... In answer to your questions, yes we do (or at least i try to) talk about non-wedding related things... She and her husband have been battling some marital issues.. and I kind of feel like she just can't be happy for me b/c she is unhappy. This marital issue is now an uncomfortable elephant in the room with how it'll play out at the actual wedding between the two! We shall see. I don't want to end our friendship over it...but it just seems like both of them were such different people when we asked them to be our MOH and BM. I can't help but feel like they just can't wait for the wedding to be over with so they can split. Hence, the uncomfortable elephant in the room. I think my issue with her is more her lack of interest at this point.. not so much the parties etc... her lack of interest was just displayed more at these functions...leading family mbrs asking what her "problem is". Again, uncomfortable elephant! LOL It's just awkward at this point and I just hope that I cna ignore the awkwardness on the actual day and focus on what matters. 
Thanks again for your input! Greatly appreciated.  :-)