FSIL Wow

midgetthemighty

A little background: FSIL is pregnant, engaged to the father (who is awesome and we all love), and is planning a DW.

So on Saturday, FI gets a text from his sister saying that her and her FI got married on Tuesday. I assume by the Justice of the Peace, but there were no details.  I don't even know who witnessed it because the message started with "Now that we've told our parents...". I'm happy and excited for them but she's being super awkward about it all. FI didn't respond immediately so she commented on his FB status with "Check your phone!" and when he replied "Congrats", it took her until the next day to respond with 'Thanks". What does she want us to say?

It would be all well and good if they decided they just wanted to get married by the JOP and save money for the baby and other such things, but they're still planning a DW for after the baby arrives.

If I were to get married by the JOP and one of my family/friends did this, I would be offended because I would feel like they thought getting married by the JOP was not a real marriage. It is though!

So this was a little bit of a vent. Thanks for reading.

AshnRobo

Ugh stupid knot. I wrote this really long response and it lost it! 

Basically what I said was to let her have her pretty princess day and I don't think that she is dimenishing a JOP wedding at all. I think they just want to have a public affirmation and celebration with the people they love the most. 

Rethany

I'm a firm believer that once you do the JOP thing, you don't get a PPD.  Why have both?  If you wanted public affirmation why didn't  you just do that the first time?  You can't get married twice.

I can see your frustration.  I'm glad she isn't keeping it a secret from the family.  Do you know why they decided to just go to the JOP and not wait until their DW?

midgetthemighty

I hate it when TK glitches likes that.

I don't plan on causing any drama about it, I just don't understand why they felt the need to be married now and then still have a DW on top of it. 

Still confused about why she wanted a response so bad from FI and then just said "Thanks" when he finally did. Guess I could chalk it up to hormones though.

midgetthemighty

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_fsil-wow?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:cae08a9a-60bb-4b1a-85bf-d6ff341daed9Post:650074e5-6bee-4003-959f-331e72c6c87b">Re: FSIL Wow</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm a firm believer that once you do the JOP thing, you don't get a PPD.  Why have both?  If you wanted public affirmation why didn't  you just do that the first time?  You can't get married twice. I can see your frustration.  I'm glad she isn't keeping it a secret from the family.  Do <strong>you know why they decided to just go to the JOP and not wait until their DW?
</strong>Posted by spiffycoolbeans[/QUOTE]

I really don't know at the moment. I know that my FMIL wanted them to get married before the baby came for some unknown reason. She may have been putting pressure on them to getting married beforehand. That's the only thing I can think of right now.

julbgordo

I think your FSIL is putting her feelers out about how you guys are taking the news.  She might want some sign of acceptance from your FI and yourself.  It's a hard decision to make to not have your family and loved ones at your wedding and a lot of people get hurt when family and friends elope.  I think that they made a decision and since it wasn't some awful thing maybe show your support by sending a congratulations card or even take them out to dinner to celebrate rather then a Facebook response.  

I personally feel that following up with a DW is silly, but if they wanted to have a reception minus a ceremony with family and friends that would be alright.  That should not be destination though.

midgetthemighty

Julb: I agree that something should be done with them like taking them out to dinner. We've been meaning to get together anyway. And he texted her back, but that wasn't clear. She texted the news so I guess he felt it was okay just to text her back. The FB thing was because she was being impatient for a response I think. Only she posted on his FB to check his phone.

SSaltzman87

That sounds kind of shady to me. But, they could've gotten married sooner for financial/insurance reasons.

I too believe that if you get married by a JOP, you don't get a PPD too. It just seems AW-ey to me. If you want the traditional ceremony and reception, what's the point of previously being married in a courthouse?

sprtychick10

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_fsil-wow?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:cae08a9a-60bb-4b1a-85bf-d6ff341daed9Post:650074e5-6bee-4003-959f-331e72c6c87b">Re: FSIL Wow</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm a firm believer that once you do the JOP thing, you don't get a PPD.  Why have both?  If you wanted public affirmation why didn't  you just do that the first time?  You can't get married twice. I can see your frustration. 
Posted by spiffycoolbeans[/QUOTE]

<div>This!</div><div>Is she going to tell the people who come to the DW, that they are already married? Or is it going to more of a "renewal" of vows?</div>

sleblanc72

I agree with PP's...things like that really irk me, you don't get a PPD if you already got married in a court.  I'm sorry you seem to be stuck in a crappy situation with all this but you seem to have a good idea to stay out of it!

DrPB2b13

To an extent I agree that a quick JOP kind of negates the right to have a PPD, but I think the way it's staged and advertised makes all the difference.  If they're honest with people and admit that they have already gotten married, I don't have nearly as much issue with it as I do if they "don't count" it.  If people know, they can make an educated decision as to whether to support the PPD or not.

sweetcanadian1979

I know of someone that eloped without telling their family first, their family is close so it hurt them badly, maybe they wanted to make sure you guys still would talk to them?

here is diff, they recommend getting married in a courthouse for a dw because of all the red tape and how many people come home and find out their marriage is not legal. Not sure if it depends where you go or not. I think they went about it the wrong way though

midgetthemighty

Thanks everyone. It felt good to get that out and read everyone's comments on the topic.

At this moment, it is stil a desination wedding they are planning and not a renewal of vows. I don't think they feel like a JOP wedding doesn't count, but that's what they'd be saying if they go through with the DW. I hope they make the right decision because I could see this getting pretty dramatic in their family.

lilmom3

Their situation is different. She's pregnant. Maybe they did it for insurance purposes which makes sense or because they are having a baby. I don't think it's a big deal if they have a DW since they already got married. Maybe they would still like to share that moment with their family and baby. If people don't want to go because they already "got married" then thats just ridiculous and childish. They still deserve the right to do as they please. If people don't agree don't go but let her enjoy her wedding.

midgetthemighty

lilmom, I never said I wouldn't go. I think I'm mostly frustrated with the way the information was presented and lack of details. It leaves a lot up to interpretation.

They both have great jobs, so insurance is not an issue. If I understand correctly, the baby could have gotten his last name without them being married first as well. No one should rush into marriage just because they're having a child together, which is not the case with them but is seems like that is point you are trying to make.

Something that I never thought about before I read it in another thread about this same topic was that it will be hard to find an officiant who will perform an actual wedding since they will already be married by the JOP. For their sake, I hope that the don't struggle with this if they still decide to have a 2nd wedding.

I was really excited to get to go to their DW prior to this incident (I'm not inviting myself, I knew I was on the guest list). Now it just seems like it would be anti-climatic and a PPD because they're already married. I hate to feel that way, but the fact is that they are already married. If it winds up being a full year away from last Tuesday, then it will be a vow renewal and I wouldn't have those feelings. Regardless of how I feel though, I would still go to support them because I love them and they will be my family on June 9, 2012.

Oh, and I asked FI about what kind of celebration/get together we should have for this and he's waiting to hear from his parents about what they want to do.

TeamMoriarty

i agree with lilmom in a sense.  i think that maybe they just decided that they wanted to be married when they actually have the baby- i know that would be important to me.  and that she still wants to have a beautiful and special wedding day too.  i can see where you're coming from that wow, all of a sudden this happened and seems like it changed things, but i don't really think it changes much of anything.  also, it is true that some places where you do DW, it doesn't actually count in a legal way here in the states and people still have to do something similar at the courthouse.  the communication about it seems the weirdest to me, but it seems like that will all get straightened out soon enough!

michellep1

If I HAD to get married in a courthouse for some reason I would still want a wedding with a church and everything because of religious reasons.  I don't think there's anything wrong with a JOP wedding, but to me I wouldn't feel married unless it was performed in a church; is this perhaps the case with FSIL? 

Other than that I couldn't really think of any reason to re-do the actual ceremony; especially as a DW as opposed to something at home.  I also agree with PPs that the communication seems to be the strangest part of this; hopefully their reasons for doing a JOP wedding will be made clear soon.  Keep us updated!