I don't know what to do.

seltonandashlee

This should probably go on the wedding party board, but I feel better having it here.

& yes, before anyone even says it, I know I should have waited to pick my bridal party. I really just need support right now.

One of my bridesmaid is being horrible. Like, not a bad bridesmaid, but a bad friend. There are many things, but two of the biggest: 1. she's flirting with my fiance. Like, to the point where I've had the most passive people text me and ask why she's being like that. 2. She's being so hypocritical and judgemental that it physically makes me sick to my stomach. (I can give more detail if needed.)

Now, my fiance REALLY did not want her to be a bridesmaid to begin with, but I thought things had changed (she was like this before). Everyone is telling me that the way she's acting is completely inappropriate, and everyone is sick of her. Here is my dilemma.

I KNOW it's rude to "kick out" bridesmaids, but I'm not sure I even want to be her FRIEND anymore. The thing is, she's the kind of person that if I talk to her about it, she's going to cry and make me feel worse than I already do. My fiance said I should just tell her that it only worked out to where we could have four bridesmaids, and since she's financially unstable at the moment, it would be better if she attended as a guest. But IDK, I feel so bad! If she and I never spoke again, I would probably be okay with that, but it's hard because I asked her to be a bridesmaid. She has A LOT of maturing to do before I can be friends with her, let alone let her be in my party...what would you do??

sweetcanadian1979

I am going through something similar, but with my social being under 6 months away i need to have a wedding party now. Mine doesn't flirt with my fi but.......... she disagrees with everything i say, highly critical, when i thought of going to the city together with my MOH + her i made myself sick with anxiety. 

After talking with a few people i just took her out for coffee and told her how i felt. That is what i would do if i were you, i would give her a chance to redeem herself first. Mine has been much better since then. Maybe your girl is really insecure and that is her way of getting attention. 

I know i am going to get flak for this but if that doesn't work (give it at least a month, not just a week, a leopard doesn't change overnight) and you don't care about being friends with her then you can kick her out. At least this way you gave her a chance and she continued to disrespect you. 

Whatever you do DO NOT replace her, i would not want to feel second best and i am sure you do not want to make anyone else feel that way. 

Good luck.

seltonandashlee

Thank you for your advice! If I do decide I can't continue on like this, then I'll just have four bridesmaids - I wouldn't want anyone to feel second!!

DrPB2b13

If you do decide to "kick her out," keep in mind that not only would it irreparably damage your relationship with her, but it could also harm your relationship with any mutual friends.  While I can entirely understand why you're not interested in keeping her around in your BP, as well as why you're not a big fan of her as a friend anymore either, keep that in mind.

Personally, if I were in your position, I would do it.

However, as sweetcanadian said, "replacing" should not be an option; not only will it hurt her further, the person who has been asked to replace will feel like an afterthought.

LiLgEe

oh man sounds like shes not a "true" friend if shes flirting with YOUR fiance!!!

DodgersBride

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_dont?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:daef6e95-5bce-4fac-ba22-fa5e3f9b22c5Post:d35b56ee-f629-4110-a09e-fb1f74a8265b">I don't know what to do.</a>:
[QUOTE]This should probably go on the wedding party board, but I feel better having it here. :) & yes, before anyone even says it, I know I should have waited to pick my bridal party. I really just need support right now. One of my bridesmaid is being horrible. Like, not a bad bridesmaid, but a bad friend. There are many things, but two of the biggest: 1<strong>. she's flirting with my fiance</strong>. Like, to the point where I've had the most passive people text me and ask why she's being like that. 2. <strong>She's being so hypocritical and judgemental</strong>that it physically makes me sick to my stomach. (I can give more detail if needed.) Now, my fiance REALLY did not want her to be a bridesmaid to begin with, but I thought things had changed (she was like this before). Everyone is telling me that the way she's acting is completely inappropriate, and everyone is sick of her. Here is my dilemma. I KNOW it's rude to "kick out" bridesmaids, but I'm not sure I even want to be her FRIEND anymore. The thing is, she's the kind of person that if I talk to her about it, she's going to cry and make me feel worse than I already do. <strong>My fiance said I should just tell her that it only worked out to where we could have four bridesmaids, and since she's financially unstable at the moment, it would be better if she attended as a guest.</strong>But IDK, I feel so bad! If she and I never spoke again, I would probably be okay with that, but it's hard because I asked her to be a bridesmaid. She has A LOT of maturing to do before I can be friends with her, let alone let her be in my party...what would you do??
Posted by seltonandashlee[/QUOTE]

This is a prime example of why you should wait to pick your WP

Have you confronted her about the flirting or has your FI confronted her when it's going on? I find it hard to believe that you and your FI could just stand their and do nothing. I don't want to make excuses for her but sometimes over friendliness can seem like flirting. I think before you make a decision about her role in your wedding you should talk to her.

I curious as to what she had been judgmental and hypocritical about. If it had to do with your wedding ideas then I suggestion keeping the wedding talk to just the basic BM info,(BM dress, wedding time, location)

If you are 100% certain that you do NOT want to continue a friendship with her then I think you should end it and it will be assumed that she is no longer in the WP. Please do NOT lie to her like her like your FI wants you too. Tell her the truth. Be up front.

seltonandashlee

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_dont?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:daef6e95-5bce-4fac-ba22-fa5e3f9b22c5Post:9534a103-85eb-41fe-8fc9-0e4867bb7ad7">Re: I don't know what to do.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to I don't know what to do. : This is a prime example of why you should wait to pick your WP Have you confronted her about the flirting or has your FI confronted her when it's going on? I find it hard to believe that you and your FI could just stand their and do nothing. I don't want to make excuses for her but sometimes over friendliness can seem like flirting. I think before you make a decision about her role in your wedding you should talk to her. I curious as to what she had been judgmental and hypocritical about. If it had to do with your wedding ideas then I suggestion keeping the wedding talk to just the basic BM info,(BM dress, wedding time, location) If you are 100% certain that you do NOT want to continue a friendship with her then I think you should end it and it will be assumed that she is no longer in the WP. Please do NOT lie to her like her like your FI wants you too. Tell her the truth. Be up front.
Posted by DodgersBride[/QUOTE]

It's been mentioned to her (the flirting) several times. And it's not her just being friendly, either, she like, blatantly tries to cuddle up with him and stuff.

The judgemental/hypocritical parts have nothing to do with wedding stuff. She hasn't been very supportive about any of it (wedding stuff) since the beginning, but I understand that my wedding isn't going to as important to everyone as it is to me. :P I didn't include the wedding stuff in the op. :)

DodgersBride

If my "friend" continually flirted with my FI even after it was brought to her attention, I would put her on the spot when it's happening. Straight out. I couldn't sit there while she throws herself at my FI and not doing anything.

I really can't comment on the hypocritical/judgement stuff because I don't know what it is that she is judging and being a hypocrite about.

sweetcanadian1979

sounds to me then like she is not an actual friend, may i ask why you asked her to be in the wp if she was like this before, if you don't want to answer that is fine.

seltonandashlee

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_dont?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:daef6e95-5bce-4fac-ba22-fa5e3f9b22c5Post:8333c912-96ec-4f53-a9ba-6c1095b9c05f">Re: I don't know what to do.</a>:
[QUOTE]sounds to me then like she is not an actual friend, may i ask why you asked her to be in the wp if she was like this before, if you don't want to answer that is fine.
<p>Posted by sweetcanadian1979[/QUOTE]</p><p> </p><p>Honestly, I have no idea...I was her only friend for a while. Once she and I became friends, she came out of her shell and I thought it was good. She used to be really sweet. Then just like out of the blue, she started treating me like crap and everyone was noticing. I didn't know what was going on, but just as suddenly as it started, she started being normal again...so I figured things were back to normal. Then she's back to <em>this</em> again.</p><p> </p><p>To everyone who's asking about the hypocritical/judgmental thing - that's a super long story. The most recent example is last night, when we found out Osama was dead. She said, "That sucks that he's going to Hell since he's a Muslim." I was so disgusted that, like I said, I was literally sick to my stomach. She makes comments like that <em>all the time. </em>About religion, about gay people, etc etc. And those things are <em>really</em> important to me, and she KNOWS it. I've brought it up to her SEVERAL times. I respect her opinion, as hateful and ignorant as I think it is, but I've never been rude about it. I've asked her to not talk about those things in front of me, but she does it continually. Anyway, after she said that, I left. Then on FB today, after a bunch of our friends were posting things like "not to celebrate when your enemy falls" (it's somewhere in the Bible, I suppose), she updated her status to, "It's so sad that Osama might be in Hell because of his actions, I know that somebody loved him. Of course God loved him!" And people were praising her for being such a good Christian and a "true daughter of God." I honestly feel that she is a huge stumbling block in my own journey to becoming closer to God (something is very important to me and something that I'm trying very hard to do). I really just don't know what to do anymore. I feel so torn. I want to be a good friend, but I can't continue like this when it's tearing me apart and making me physically sick.</p>

sweetcanadian1979

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_dont?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:daef6e95-5bce-4fac-ba22-fa5e3f9b22c5Post:be967fc3-d0ba-47b4-89f5-33a8348fbda1">Re: I don't know what to do.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I don't know what to do. :   Honestly, I have no idea...I was her only friend for a while. Once she and I became friends, she came out of her shell and I thought it was good. She used to be really sweet. Then just like out of the blue, she started treating me like crap and everyone was noticing. I didn't know what was going on, but just as suddenly as it started, she started being normal again...so I figured things were back to normal. Then she's back to  this again.   To everyone who's asking about the hypocritical/judgmental thing - that's a super long story. The most recent example is last night, when we found out Osama was dead. She said, "That sucks that he's going to Hell since he's a Muslim." I was so disgusted that, like I said, I was literally sick to my stomach. She makes comments like that all the time.  About religion, about gay people, etc etc. And those things are  really important to me, and she KNOWS it. I've brought it up to her SEVERAL times. I respect her opinion, as hateful and ignorant as I think it is, but I've never been rude about it. I've asked her to not talk about those things in front of me, but she does it continually. Anyway, after she said that, I left. Then on FB today, after a bunch of our friends were posting things like "not to celebrate when your enemy falls" (it's somewhere in the Bible, I suppose), she updated her status to, "It's so sad that Osama might be in Hell because of his actions, I know that somebody loved him. Of course God loved him!" And people were praising her for being such a good Christian and a "true daughter of God." I honestly feel that she is a huge stumbling block in my own journey to becoming closer to God (something is very important to me and something that I'm trying very hard to do). I really just don't know what to do anymore. I feel so torn. I want to be a good friend, <strong>but I can't continue like this when it's tearing me apart and making me physically sick.</strong>
Posted by seltonandashlee[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>awww that sucks but that line tells ya right there what ya need to do. Your wedding should be a happy time, yes i know they are stressful but they shouldn't be to the point you get sick (literally & figuratively) over it. I would dump her, defriend her, know you did the right thing, and move on from her. If she tries to go crazy then just ignore/block her but do not waste any more energy on her. 

</div>

midgetthemighty

To answer your Bible question:
Proverbs 24:17-18 -- "Do not rejoice when your enemy falls, and do not let your heart be glad when he stumbles;Or the LORD will see it and be displeased, and turn His anger away from him."
 
As far as your OP is concerned, that's a really tough situation.

What does your FI do when she cuddles up to him? I know he doesn't want her to, but if he's being passive about it and just brushing her away lightly, that is not going to fix the problem. If he immediately gets up or forcefully (not like throw her to the ground but enough to get the point across) pushes her off of him, then she's just desperate for attention or a slow learner.

I agree with PP about taking her out to coffee (or whatever would seem natural to you two) and having a rational discussion about her behavior and why it is unacceptable and how it could lead to the end of the friendship if she doesn't change her ways.

On the picking your bridal party too early stance, I think that everyone gets excited about their wedding and wants to pick their closest friends at that moment to be in the WP. I've already chosen mine too, so don't feel bad about that. I think it's silly and unrealistic to blame the bride for choosing a WP too early.

Good luck to you and keep us posted.

julbgordo

I like the coffee (or whatever suites you guys best) idea as well.  I think talking about it as adults is really the only way to move forward with this situation.  When you speak to her, get it all out on the table.  Don't leave anything out.  Maybe let her know that if she continues to act this way, you can't see how your friendship can continue.  Good luck.

skybrie

My FSIL who is getting married this June is having major problems with one of her BM's - problem is that she is the sister of our grooms.  She just let it go and let it go over the past year until it came to a head - and resulted in major drama (like being banned from the wedding)  If she would have sat down with her in the beginning and explained how her actions made her feel it wouldnt have never happened. 

Have coffee with her.  Explain how it makes you feel.  Give her a month and if she doesnt change, by all means ask her not to be a bridesmaid.

SSaltzman87

She sounds like a really crappy person. I'd definitely confront her about it before doing anything.

It doesn't seem like you're too attached to the friendship, and if she was a real friend-she wouldn't be macking on your FI! This is definitely one of the few situations where booting a BM would be okay to do. I too agree that replacing her would not be the best idea, it gives off the vibe that anyone's disposable.

michellep1

I usually say that its important to talk to someone and give them a chance first, but in this case I would probably just be done with her.  After what you said about her hypocritical-ness, it seems to me like she's just a fake person that isn't likely to change after a talk.  I have a similar person in my life, one of my roommates.  She constantly flirts with FI and is about the worst friend ever.  I never considered her that close of a friend or anything, and I don't trust her as far as I could throw her.  I know after we move out she'll be pretty much out of my life, and therefore I don't say anything about it b/c I know FI would never even be tempted (she's really skanky and just gross).

It seems like the situation is very similar with your friend.  When I read that she tries to cuddle with FI, I got mad for you!  I'd be done with her, right out.  Your wedding party should be the people you can trust with anything, and I would say this girl is the last one to meet that definition. 

Danidawn20

Ohh, she sounds like a (sorry to be mean but)a very permiscous girl. I got mad for you when I read that she cuddles with your FI. 

If I were you I would have nothing to do with her. 

 I know the choice is yours, but IMHO, I think it would be best to talkto her first, and nif nothing changes in like a month or so, than ask her to step down from the WP.

Good luck and please keep us posted.