Need Advice

Zimsgirl26

So I'm going to try to make this as short and concise as possible.

I'm having some problems with a bridesmaid NWR. She's talking to this guy she went to high school with and really likes him, may even vacation with him this summer. Well the other night she made out and slept with a supervisor from work. She was bragging about it and bragging about breaking a work polciy. Then we went to lunch and she almost teared up about it to FI while I was in the bathroom.

I had a talk with her last night about it and she feels awful but glad she did it so she knows how she feels about a guy. I questioned if it was really healthy to validate her feelings about a guy by sleeping with another. She feels like a wh*re and thinks people view her that way too. She definitely puts it out there too much and always has her boobs out there even when she's not going out. She talks about her boobs to my FI and it really bothers me. I basically told her she can change how people view her and be more conservative.

Last night she completely agreed with me but was upset this morning. I don't know what to do and she says she's not mad at me but her FB status seems aimed at me. I just don't know what to do. I want to just let her figure it out on her own and give her space for a few days but I don't want this to turn into something bigger. She's a great friend but lately I've been questioning her. She's been texting FI more than me lately and telling him how lonely she is and how all guys want her for is sex. Like that's really crossing a line. I just don't know what to do...

Any advice would be appreciated

julbgordo

I think having already told her your thoughts, there isn't much more you can do.  She's an adult and should be able to figure things out for herself.  As long as she knows you are there to talk to when she needs you, that's pretty much the best you can do at this time.

As for her "flirtations" with your FI, what does he say about it?  If he finds it annoying, maybe he should stop responding to her texts and she'll get the hint.

Zimsgirl26

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_need-advice-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:eee812f9-8244-4692-a2b8-53ff0677a7d9Post:7f01992e-d427-4e3d-9b68-c29574d6d0ba">Re: Need Advice</a>:
[QUOTE]I think having already told her your thoughts, there isn't much more you can do.  She's an adult and should be able to figure things out for herself.  As long as she knows you are there to talk to when she needs you, that's pretty much the best you can do at this time. As for her "flirtations" with your FI, what does he say about it?  If he finds it annoying, maybe he should stop responding to her texts and she'll get the hint.
Posted by julbgordo[/QUOTE]
I don't really think it's flirtations it's just not appropriate to me to text my fiance that she's lonely. He responds because she wants a guy's point of view but I expressed my concerns to FI. <div>Is it bad that I'm so frustrated I kinda wish I didn't ask her to be a BM? She wanted my feedback then agreed but got mad this morning and made a catty FB status</div>

julbgordo

She sounds like she's being immature about the whole situation.  I don't think it's bad that your frustrated with her.  Sometimes people just hit a nerve and that's normal.  Give her a day to cool down.  

I think if you've expressed your concerns to your FI about the texts, then I'm sure he understands all sides of the situation.  He can stop texting her at any time if it seems to get annoying or out of hand.  

Maybe if your friends is admittedly lonely, she's a little jealous of the relationship you and your FI have.  I think that's pretty normal too.  Give it time.  Don't worry about regretting your choice of her as a BM.  She could just be going through a rough patch now.

sweet_melissa81

Wait! She's texting your finace that she is lonely?! That is way out of line! I would be really mad at my friend. If she wants his opinion about something she should be texting you to ask him not her texting him directly. It's just "girl code" and you don't do things like that to your friends.

In regards to her sleeping around, I think she's just trying to justify her bad behavior by making excuses to make herself feel better about having casual sex with people. What she chooses to do is her own businesnes, but she has no business contacting your fiance to talk about her issues. It's just not appropriate!

Tell your fiance to ignore her text messages.

Zimsgirl26

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_need-advice-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:eee812f9-8244-4692-a2b8-53ff0677a7d9Post:4ad0bc3b-9caa-4a67-99f5-e3b1f4f8cd93">Re: Need Advice</a>:
[QUOTE]Wait! She's texting your finace that she is lonely?! That is way out of line! I would be really mad at my friend. If she wants his opinion about something she should be texting you to ask him not her texting him directly. It's just "girl code" and you don't do things like that to your friends. In regards to her sleeping around, I think she's just trying to justify her bad behavior by making excuses to make herself feel better about having casual sex with people. What she chooses to do is her own businesnes, but she has no business contacting your fiance to talk about her issues. It's just not appropriate! Tell your fiance to ignore her text messages.
Posted by sweet_melissa81[/QUOTE]
FI showed me the text to let me know about it and let me know she's not doing well but honestly text me. And when we went to BM shop with my 3 sisters and mom she stayed the night at my place because the next day we were all heading back to school. She texted FI about how she was jealous I had such a great family. Like it just bothers me some of the things she texts him. <div>As far as her sleeping around, she blames the alcohol. She claims it turns her into a slut. I said ok then quit drinking but honestly when I drink I know not to sleep around. She just won't take responsibility for her actions then complains to me about them. It's getting old</div>

chelseamb11

I hate it when people use facebook to passive aggressively make a point.  It's one of my biggest pet peeves.

That being said, I think your FI needs to tell her to not text him like that.  Even if there is nothing behind it, it's extremely inappropriate.  It sounds to me like she has some soul searching to do.  She's behaving in ways that she is mortified of, yet she does nothing to change it.  It's almost like she is looking for justification/support in her behaviors.

You've talked to her about as much as you can, so your best bet is to just be there for her.  I'd leave her be for now, she clearly is just looking for attention via the FB stuff.  Once she comes around, maybe try and plan a girls weekend or something that is just you two, preferrably no access to boys (no bars, etc) and just reconnect?

niecie_jeff

Wow, I dont know what to say to make you feel better Her texting your man is way out of line. If it was just a one time thing, then it wouldn't upset me, but it sounds like she does it way to often. And her saying that alcohol turns her into a slut? Sorry, but that is pretty childish. SHE made the choice to sleep around, not the alcohol. I would give her a day or two to cool off then try to talk to her. If she is a true friend, then she will not do those things and then get upset w/you for saying something. And she could also be jealous that you are getting married young, and she doesn't have anyone she could see that happening with. Hopefully things get better for you in a day or so. 

Zimsgirl26

I definitely think it's a jealousy issue. Yesterday we got my shower booked and she asked me questions of what I wanted then changed it to what she would want. Like she asked what cake I wanted and I said chocolate. We can only bring cake in for outside food. She was like oh we could do cupcakes and do chocolate and vanilla then tried to pick decor that was completely her style. 

I texted her to check up on her and she hasn't texted me back. If she gets rude and snarky I'm done. I can't deal with it. I'm already feeling sick from all of the stress

lindseyann410

It sounds like she has low self-esteem and tries to validate herself by seeking attention.   

Alcohol is clearly just an excuse.  Alcohol doesn't "make" anyone a certain way; sometimes people just use it to act however they want.

 I think the way she is texting your FI is crossing a line.  She is doing some seriously self-destructive behavior, and I think you're right as a friend to tell her so.  You need to tell her that you'd like her to stop texting your FI so much.  

Unfortunately, this sounds like one of those endless cycle things (feel bad about self, sleep with a guy to feel better about self, feel bad about self because of promiscuity, etc).  I don't think it will end until she realizes its a problem and sincerly wants to change.  Her life isn't going to change for the better until she changes her patterns.

Zimsgirl26

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_need-advice-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:eee812f9-8244-4692-a2b8-53ff0677a7d9Post:4b0790a3-6427-475c-8fee-7304058218e3">Re: Need Advice</a>:
[QUOTE]It sounds like she has low self-esteem and tries to validate herself by seeking attention.    Alcohol is clearly just an excuse.  Alcohol doesn't "make" anyone a certain way; sometimes people just use it to act however they want.  I think the way she is texting your FI is crossing a line.  She is doing some seriously self-destructive behavior, and I think you're right as a friend to tell her so.  You need to tell her that you'd like her to stop texting your FI so much.   Unfortunately, this sounds like one of those endless cycle things (feel bad about self, sleep with a guy to feel better about self, feel bad about self because of promiscuity, etc).  I don't think it will end until she realizes its a problem and sincerly wants to change.  Her life isn't going to change for the better until she changes her patterns.
Posted by lindseyann410[/QUOTE]
I suggested therapy but she thinks the guy she's talking to will think less of her. 1) He'd probably stop talking to her if he knew she slept with a guy, and 2) I told her if he thinks less of her for it he's not worth it. I told her she needs to be comfortable with herself before she can have a serious relationship. She said she wants ner next relationship to be her last because she's tired of being lonely. But she's my age. Honestly, I got lucky with FI and never expected to get married at 19. I think she needs to stop wanting my situation because it's rare to find the guy you'll marry this young. I'm just soooo fed up ugh!

chelseakopperud

Wow Zims....  I would be furious with her for texting my FI like that. That is soooo over the line. Since she is a BM and good friend, I would just tell FI that he needs to stop responding to her. That way you can avoid confrontation.

As for her immature FB status...I have no advice. I wouldnt worry about it..... most people think FB statuses like that are VERY annoying, so it is just making her look bad.

Zimsgirl26

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_need-advice-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:eee812f9-8244-4692-a2b8-53ff0677a7d9Post:7942e993-d859-4c9f-8926-286503a6613c">Re: Need Advice</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow Zims....  I would be furious with her for texting my FI like that. That is soooo over the line. Since she is a BM and good friend, I would just tell FI that he needs to stop responding to her. That way you can avoid confrontation. As for her immature FB status...I have no advice. I wouldnt worry about it..... most people think FB statuses like that are VERY annoying, so it is just making her look bad.
Posted by chelseakopperud[/QUOTE]
FI doesn't really respond to texts like that anymore of hers but he's never hidden them. He'll tell me what she's feeling and ask how to respond. I guess I just feel like our friendship has changed and I'm there for her more than she is for me. And I'm pretty much done planning the wedding stuff except a few things that can't be done in advance but she'll suggest changing thing and is pretty much trying to do the shower like she'd want it for her wedding. I'm just irritated with how selfish she's being lately. And if I can't give her honest advice when she asks for it what kind of friendship can it really be? KWIM

chelseakopperud

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_need-advice-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:eee812f9-8244-4692-a2b8-53ff0677a7d9Post:23a5b25c-006f-4a4d-901e-d8d8e33af86f">Re: Need Advice</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Need Advice : FI doesn't really respond to texts like that anymore of hers but he's never hidden them. He'll tell me what she's feeling and ask how to respond. I guess I just feel like our friendship has changed and I'm there for her more than she is for me. And I'm pretty much done planning the wedding stuff except a few things that can't be done in advance but she'll suggest changing thing and is pretty much trying to do the shower like she'd want it for her wedding. I'm just irritated with how selfish she's being lately. And if I can't give her honest advice when she asks for it what kind of friendship can it really be? KWIM
Posted by Zimsgirl26[/QUOTE]

Yeah I totally understand..... I dont know what to tell you. She is apparently too immature for you to sit down and talk it over with her.... I would just try to keep your distance from her and just get through June on semi-good terms.

Zimsgirl26

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_need-advice-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:eee812f9-8244-4692-a2b8-53ff0677a7d9Post:9b164e4f-29a0-41de-a743-a8904bcb26f9">Re: Need Advice</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Need Advice : Yeah I totally understand..... I dont know what to tell you. She is apparently too immature for you to sit down and talk it over with her.... I would just try to keep your distance from her and just get through June on semi-good terms.
Posted by chelseakopperud[/QUOTE]
Yeah I'm just worried because she's not texting me back and I'm afraid it's gonna lead to a blow up. Part of me wishes it would so she'd quit and could cancel her dress order. I'm just so stressed about it and actually feeling sick from it.

lindseyann410

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_need-advice-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:eee812f9-8244-4692-a2b8-53ff0677a7d9Post:83b8f153-c180-40ed-bea0-8d027f29fdd9">Re: Need Advice</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Need Advice : I suggested therapy but she thinks the guy she's talking to will think less of her. 1) He'd probably stop talking to her if he knew she slept with a guy, and 2) I told her if he thinks less of her for it he's not worth it. I told her she needs to be comfortable with herself before she can have a serious relationship. <strong>She said she wants ner next relationship to be her last because she's tired of being lonely. But she's my age. Honestly, I got lucky with FI and never expected to get married at 19. </strong>I think she needs to stop wanting my situation because it's rare to find the guy you'll marry this young. I'm just soooo fed up ugh!
Posted by Zimsgirl26[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Whoa!  That is crazy! Marriage doesn't "fix" loneliness.  She needs to be happy by herself first.  In fact, if she rushes into marriage just for that reason, she could be in for a lifetime of misery or a quick divorce.  </div><div>
</div><div>With this current lifestyle, she could end up pregnant and alone, or at the very least, fired.</div><div>
</div><div>You are exactly right that she needs therapy (or a good wake-up call).  If she isn't willing to go just because of a douche bag guy, she's in serious trouble.

</div>

Zimsgirl26

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_need-advice-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:eee812f9-8244-4692-a2b8-53ff0677a7d9Post:7219fe08-558d-4135-b501-172f2bb27073">Re: Need Advice</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Need Advice : Whoa!  That is crazy! Marriage doesn't "fix" loneliness.  She needs to be happy by herself first.  In fact, if she rushes into marriage just for that reason, she could be in for a lifetime of misery or a quick divorce.   With this current lifestyle, she could end up pregnant and alone, or at the very least, fired. You are exactly right that she needs therapy (or a good wake-up call).  If she isn't willing to go just because of a douche bag guy, she's in serious trouble.
Posted by lindseyann410[/QUOTE]
Yeah exactly. I told her she needs to be comfortable with herself before being in a relationship. She jumps from one relationship to the next. I don't think this guy she's talking to would judge her at all. He's on his way to go to med school so I'm sure he knows how beneficial psychiatric services are for some people and if he does care then screw him

courtneyclare103

I would just leave her alone for a few days before texting/calling her again. You have to ask yourself if you truly do value her friendship--and not do you value it at this exact moment, but overall in the grand scheme of life do you value it. Try to push your current feelings/her current actions out of the picture when you ask yourself that question. My best friend and I have gotten in few fights in the almost 20 years that we've been best friends, but during college we got into a few that led to us not talking to each other for weeks. After we gave each other time to calm down, we were both fine, but if we tried to work it out in the heat of the moment it always led to more arguing. Just because she's not texting you back doesn't mean that it has to escalate--sometimes we get miffed when people tell us something about ourselves that we know is true, but that we really don't want to hear and perhaps this is what she's feeling right now. She may know you're right, but she doesn't want it to be true. Just give her a few days or even a week and then revisit the situation.

goodine11

She may be jealous. But she cross the line texting your fiance' and telling him about her sexual escapades. I think , you need to let her know that you understand she is going through somethings but, this new habit of contacting your FI is not the way to go. Also, ask your FI to nip in the bud. He could say, I know you are going through something but, I don't feel comfortable with these conversations. 

MMRoberts11

First off, a few different things could be going on with her.  She may have a psych condition or she may just be jealous, or she may just have very low self-esteem.  Beyond that, I definitely think she's being immature. 

You have done what you can as a friend.  I would just honestly try not to talk to her for a few days and see if something gets better. 
Also, tell Andrew to stop responding to her.  It's inappropriate for her to text him she's lonely and he should not encourage her to tell him stuff by responding to her texts.

Zimsgirl26

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_need-advice-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:eee812f9-8244-4692-a2b8-53ff0677a7d9Post:d4c58a7a-d05e-4455-a70e-b7241c7daa2c">Re: Need Advice</a>:
[QUOTE]First off, a few different things could be going on with her.  She may have a psych condition or she may just be jealous, or she may just have very low self-esteem.  Beyond that, I definitely think she's being immature.  You have done what you can as a friend.  I would just honestly try not to talk to her for a few days and see if something gets better.  Also, tell Andrew to stop responding to her.  It's inappropriate for her to text him she's lonely and he should not encourage her to tell him stuff by responding to her texts.
Posted by MMRoberts11[/QUOTE]
She definitely has low self esteem and I wish she would seek help other than alcohol