Controversial – but is it me

SHAWNEE31

Are weddings/ marriage not as importnat any more?Maybe it is where I am living however it seems like people make a big deal about having children but not about getting married. My girlfriend (Anna) became pregnant she was not married everyone rallied around to help her out, her sister ( benji) was getting married and I did not see the same rally around in planning (benji’s) bridal shower as  I did for Anna’s baby shower. It seems like marriage is not a priority or exciting as it was when I was a child. What are your thoughts?

KimRhone

I think that society as a whole has thrown the marriage stuff out the window but esp. our people. We just have babies and marriage is not even a thought. I think that if there were more whole families out there it would inspire people to do the family stuff again. Somehow tradition has slipped through the cracks

dst10spr97

I think to some people its not, but I think part of that is society and the fact that so many people are getting divorced. People are now thinking we can just live together forever. And it's not frowned upon as much now to have a baby out of wedlock. I know someone who has been with their boyfriend for 25 years, they own houses, cars, have kids, and won't get married. I hear everything from "we don't need that piece of paper" to "we are just fine the way we are". But you know what. I want that piece of paper, I want that committment before God. I want to be a wife, not a indefinite girlfriend. That's just me. Part of that is the fact that people around me have been married since forever. My parents went to the prom together.

blue19violet

'Baby Mama' seems to now be a badge of pride. I've spoken to a few young ladies who think that "getting the baby carriage" will eventually result "in the marriage." It bothers me when I hear it from younger woman (I stop talking to the grown ones 'cauese they were just 'doing my head in) because what it's saying to me is that "I don't value myself enough to think that someone would love me and commit to me just for who I am. I need to have a way to hold on that person and force his hand so I'm going to get pregnant - multiple times usually." As for the older folks who are together for years and BOTH parties are completely okay with not being married, then you do what works for you. However, if you're in this situation and one of you is waiting for the other person to come around, then that's a huge issue. In that situation, you're doomed from the start - even if the person does end up marrying you.

mahoganieyes

I think people dont really care about marriage anymore, just  bypass straight to family. My mom's friends would ask all the time when will I have a baby. I'm like she's a single mom and had to struggle, why would she think I  want that too? I want a husband and yes a man can still leave you but I WANT THAT PAPER TOO! I want the rewards that comes with being a wife!

OFF

I think women especially our women have lost their self esteem and forgotten they are worth more than a role in the hay. We are allowing ourselves to settle for fun times instead of holding out and waiting for a man who knows our true worth. And since we don't even know our own value we settle for the title of baby mama instead of Mrs.

the cat

Preach DST, preach! I feel the same way. People are bf/gf for 10 years, get married, then divorce after 1 year. Nowadays with the divorce rate so high, people often times don't see marraige as a lasting phenom, so don't see any sense in going through the "trouble" of getting married, when it more than likely won't last. It's just easier to live together - or so some may think. The tripping thing about it is if you live in a community property state, you may as well get married b/c it's pretty much the same thing if you separate.

KimRhone

I'm a youngin' and when I speak to my peers it's like they have empty spaces in their heads. They don't want more for themselves than to be pregnant and they think that having a baby will keep the person that they are with. I told my FI that we are def going to be married before we have a child because I'm not having kids out of wedlock. He told me that I am too oold fashioned. Seriously, we need to help the younger generation understand that it's not all about having a child a marriage should go hand in hand with that

ladylum

I agree with DST and with the cat. Marriage is important. That's why my last bf and I broke apart. He has been married twice before and couldn't understand why I did not want to be the infinite g/f. Many people think living together and marriage are the same thing, which THEY ARE NOT! Now as a woman who is pregnant and getting married, I understand what Shawnee is saying. I have a lot of people talking baby showers but no one has really offered to help with the planning of my wedding.

OFF

These girls have no role models to follow. Often their mothers aunts peers haven't married or are baby mamas themselves so there is no one for them to learn from on how to build a loving stable relationship. I personally think we need to go back to shaming these young girls. Now when a kid gets preggers everyone acts like it's no big deal. I think if we went back to acting like it was a big deal fewer girls would get pregnant. It's amazing there was a time we couldn't marry and wanted to so desperately we developed a ceremony to bond ourselves. Now that we can marry we don't want to and flitter from relationship to relationship.

the cat

Off-u said a mouthfull. My mom is old school (73 yoa). I saw both my sisters get put out the house. one for getting pg, the other for spending the night with her boyfriend on the slick. When i got pg i was a grown azz woman - 21, but guess what? my boyfriend and i carried our butts to the courthouse, got a marriage license and got married. yes it was for the wrong reason, yes it only lasted for 7 years. the thing is he respected me enough to make an 'honest woman' outta me. i don't look down on women who choose to have children out of wedlock. to each his own. i just agree that it's no longer a matter of importance anymore. the value of marraige has terribly declined.

trevette1981

I'm not sure, but I see the same thing. I guess because it's the norm to have a baby and not be married, rather than wait until marriage. Me and my SO really want kids NOW, but aren't engaged yet. I want a dang cute little baby so bad, but then I keep thinking I need to wait and slow my roll and be an example for my little cousins, although they have screwed up some already. LOL He knows I want to wait until marriage or engagement, so he's fine with it. I think older people, still see a problem with it. I mean, older as in 50 and over, at least from what I hear around me.lol

OFF

Cat my mom sat me down when I was 12 and my cousin who is a year old had just had her baby and told me if I got pregnant I would have to leave home and she would not help me financially or be a babysitter. She reminded me of this everytime my cousin got preggers and offered to go with me to get my birth control when I felt I needed it. Mothers need to practice more tough love and less well I can watch Jermaine for you.

MrClintonsFirstLady09

It isn't just you. As ppr's have said society as a whole do not really think marriage is all that sacred anymore because marriages don't last at all anymore. People think that putting all that money into something that may survive less than 5 yrs is ridiculous. My mom initially asked when we started this wedding planning process, why won't we just go to the JOP and have a honeymoon afterwards. But my 20 yr old niece, my mom is going all out for, shower and all because she is having a baby. this is the reason why I said in another post, I keep my planning process to myself. people don't seem to care about it much at all. It's like to hell with marriage, have the baby first. This is why I told FI we will not have a child until we are married. For once I want it done right! I refuse to put the cart before the horse again.

Panda16

I know I'm late but I want to chime in... In the 40's and 50's families, especially black families, usually stuck together. For a couple of reasons, One, segregation was prominent and staying together as a  community meant security, trust, etc.Two, children saw their parents living and working together and they wanted that for their own lives. Three, media wasn't as influential as it is now. TV and radio networks were concious about what they put on air.Society has changed considerably since then and now we're seeing a lot of taboo issues become mainstream beliefs. I would say that it's appreciated that ppl rally around someone who is pregnant because it does take a village to raise a child, but it also takes more than two to make a marriage work. Our communities need to start making it imperative that our children learn the importance of marriage before kids.

Lovie 129

Cat, I also had my daughter when I was 21 in my last yr of college...got married and we concluded we were better friends than husband/wife.Marriage is definitely not on the top 10, but babies are cute, they love unconditionally, and there is always help. Marriage takes work, and in this multi-task society we live in, who wants to work on one aspect of their life at a time?The misconception about marriage is you each bring 50% of yourselves...not the case. You should bring 100% of yourself and know who you are. Babies (as many young people see it) do not take alot of effort because there is always help, sister, mom, grandmom, the system. When I had my daughter, the only thing my parents helped us with was rent...they paid it until we graduated (ex was in grad school). Other than that, we were on our own...no anytime babysitter, no quick nights out for take out...we had to live on a budget.It is very easy for young women now, but we can't blame them if we don't put the same effort in them that older generations put in us. WE weren't all-knowing, but we expect young women to know it all. Everyone needs help, no one needs hell. Pay it forward, volunteer.

SHAWNEE31

Thanks ladies i really like this  board. I had 5 BM one became pregant and is due on my wedding day so she is no longer a BM. However everyone is talking about what we can do for her because her SO lost his job and they do not have a hosue. I was told that i am spending too much money for one day and i should put some of it to help her. I feel like what happen to personal responsiblity.  MRsclinton if you lived in Baltimroe i would take you out for a drink because i have notcied the same thing. A wedding is a waste i have been asked am i sure i want to get married however its ok for my friend to have a child with someone who can not hold a job.