Insecurity...

mycicybride

Well, ladies, I knew this day would come. FI has a 6 year old that he has been estranged with for a couple of years now. The child's mom married and moved away and cut off all communication. Since then he has paid child support and didn't want to disrupt her life.  He has had an empty place in his heart since and has reached out recently to rekindle the relationship with his daughter. She used to come stay with us back in the day and I really miss her too so I am happy that she will be coming to stay with us next month..... Now...I am having a selfish moment...and feelings of inadequacy have crept into my mind since FI has a child with this her and we don't have any together yet. I know it sounds silly but I feel like baby mom's has given him something that I haven't yet and it makes me feel a lil insecure. Has anyone ever felt like this?  Does it go away?

Mypasmita

I remember feeling that way with my ex. I felt like he'd always have something special with hi ex that him and I didn't. Maybe it's normal, maybe it's just you and i being spycho women. I don't know!But bottom line is he's marrying you, not her and he left her for a reason. You have your whole life ahead of you and you can pop/adopt/ etc as many babies as you want/can afford. You'll be good. So,  I understand what you are saying and what you are feeling and i know it's not easy. PS: No matter what, don't let it escalate or become and issue between you guys. My ex looked at me like i had 3 eyes when i told him how i felt, not understanding how much it really bothered me.

mycicybride

I mentioned it to him a long time ago (before we got engaged) and he looked ta me like I was crazy (LOL!). Maybe it is a woman thing but I have put so much on hold in pursuit of a doctoral degree...delayed marriage....delayed children. It becomes like a lil chip on your shoulder, ya know.? I am 32 and keep hearing this ticking clock like a time bomb in my head but choose to let it tick until after the i-do's and getting hooded. I guess these are the choices we must live with. I hope it goes away soon. Maybe his daughter and I will reconnect  and I'll feel OK.  We used to have so much fun together. Time will tell. Thanks for reading and sharing.

mahoganieyes

Mycicy don't worry about that clock. In this day and time, you have another 20yrs to have kids.

mycicybride

True....Halle is my hero. She waited and had her daughter around 40.  I know it will be OK. I am just having a bad day today as this was just settled yesterday. I am keeping a smiley face on for FI because he is soooo geeked. It's actually very cute. It just hurts me that another woman is now involved in our lives.  That is a blow to my ego right now.

mahoganieyes

She's the baby momma vs the "wife"= no comparison. One day you will be the wife and mom. Just like you have insecurities, she probably has some too. She had his kid, but not him. What you and him have is on another level that no baby momma, man can relate to. Remember the positive, you have the RING! Sometimes people can not chose who they have kids with, but they can chose who they marry. He picked YOU!

kristi0618

I totally understand your feelings. When I met Ronnail he was married(Seperated She Cheated Dumb with 2 boys. And deep down I always thought that they would get back together. Especially once she realized what a mistake she made. Anyway I never really got over it until she moved away and we started visiting the boys every Sunday. I was forced to talk to her and after many conversations I realized she didn't want him and he damn sho didn't want her. As for the you having kids . I'm 24 and I know this is the normal age that ppl have kids, but sometimes I wish I would have accomplished something (anything)before I had her. So when you hear that ticking sound ignore it cause you have plenty of time for kids!!! HTH

aquarius125

Cicy- Real talk is look @ that ish and see the beauty in it Girl. You can see the type of father that he will be when yall have children. The next thing is that the child yall bear together will be as special b/c this time he can be the father that he has always wanted to be and that is a beautiful thing. As far as the age girl me and you are in the same boat. I have put everything on hold for my education I too am pursuing a docorate but I call it making a stratgetic (sp) decision. Its short-term gratification VS Long-term satisifaction I choose longterm satisfaction. So for once in my life I put what I wanted to do over my education and we are getting married in the middle of the semester one semester before graduation. This is a temp feeling and it too shall pass. You seem to be a very positive person, when you emit postivity that is what you get back. Enjoy for step daughter and marvel in the beauty of it all.

Deidra123

So you chose to get an education and to get married before having children and now you're feeling insecure b/c someone else didn't?  Listen to yourself.  What would you tell your friend if she had the exact same concern?  Now say it to yourself.  We are so hard on ourselves even though we know that we are making the right decisions...at least for us.  Stop comparing yourself to her.  Compare yourself to yourself.  Anybody can have a kid.  You can have 9-10 of them in the next 10 years if you want to.

nitaashanti78

Cicy-I totally understand where you are coming from.  I felt that same way with my fi.  He has a 7 year old daughter and they are very close, and I used to feel like that was something I wish I could give him right then.  I just had to tell myself that all things come in God's time and not mine--including babies , and to focus more on the relationship fi and I are building together, so we can be good parents when we do start bringing children into the picture.I think the feeling will pass like it's done for me, just know that when the time is right it'll fall into place.  Your fi loves you, and instead of feeling insecure find peace in knowing that pretty soon, you guys will have a loving family together.

trevette1981

I felt the same way with my SO, when originally I didn't even want to date him because he had a kid.LOL (I have none.)I felt bad because he has a son and when we finally have a child, it won't even be exciting. I told him my concerns and he said I was being silly and over dramatic. He doesn't love her, he loves me and when we do have a baby, it will be special because it will be ours, together.He's marrying YOU, not her. I think once you talk to him about it, he will reassure you, there is nothing there. His reassurance will make this go away.

mycicybride

Thanx, ladies. I realize my feelings are silly especially after all the posts y'all shared. I really love this board. Aquarius, I am very excited about watching the relationship with his daughter grow. We are excited and I'll focus on that.Love y'all.Cicy

khaligumbs

Okay...here is a super big HUG!  I do not how you feel because FI and I do not have any children.  But I do know alot of people in your situation and the feeling did go away.  And when you two are blessed with your love one..he or she will have a big sis to look up to.  Dont be so down.  PS his baby mom did not get the RING! That is why she is an EX...smile!

ddyoung

Awww cicy I feel you too.  Especially when it comes to her having to always just be 'there'. Even though he's not interested in her at all and she is the last thing on his mind it blows me that if we move or if he changes his number or anything she always has to have some kind of access to him because they have a child together. boooooo lol. but you are right its just our selfishness getting the best of us. i wish i could give you some advice but i am in the same boat as you and havent been able to get out of it yet! thanks for bringing this up because getting to hear the other ladies posts has helped me :-) the selfish part of me still creeps up every now and then and i'm like oh well at least i can still give him a boy ;-)

mycicybride

**ddyoung**: I have been thinking about that...come on boy!!!!! LOL!

Ms. fairytale wedding

Gurlllll, I know how you feel. My FI has two (one of which popped up during our first couple weeks of dating). We've been together for 4 years, and I promise you that is the one thing we are missing. We have tried and tried, nothing has happened. The selfish side of me says "Why can he give these heffas the one thing i want." I burns me up that they share something so special with him and i don't.