Stressed over Small and Intimate or Grand Affair...What to do?

MrsSmith2Be02

Good Afternoon Ladies!

I need some suggestions. I thought that planning this wedding would be easy for me because that is what I do. I've had an Event Planning firm for 4 years, so this is my lane. But for some reason when its your money...you start to freak out! LOL.

So FI didn't want a wedding at all. They don't have weddings on his side of the family. His parents went to the courthouse on lunch break (I can't imagine such a thing). So, he of course was thinking that spending money on a 5 hour affair....is just ridiculous. Well, when it comes to my family, everybody has weddings and everybody is invitied. Literally. When my parents got married there were 500 guests (CRAZY!). Anywho, so we have compromised and he of course has agreed to whatever I want, thats what we'll do.

However, I of course have had this "vision", yet now I'm starting to think of everything else I could do with the money to bring this "vision" to pass. We have 2 children (both under 5) and even though they aren't about to go to college, it could be invested for something else. We already have a house, but we do have some upgrades that I want to do (HW floors....that carpet just can't stay clean w/ little ones).

I suggested that we do a Destination. He said no because his parents can't be there. (They can....they probably just wouldn't because they act like they are ancient). I said well how about something small. He said no because we'll have to not include too many people. I did a preliminary guest list just for me and I was at 140 people. This is what got me thinking.....ugh what do I do?

I have never wanted to go to the courthouse. For me its always been marriage is a covenant b/w husband, wife, and God and it needs to be in God's house. Just my own opinion on that. So what do I do? I just don't want to think later down the line the shoulda coulda woulda's in either direction.

Sorry for the length

SunnyBB

Take a deep breath!  You have plenty of time to decide what you want to do.  First, have you and FI decided on a budget?  With two kiddos and a house you will probably have to be extra budget-conscious.  Once you do that, weigh the cost of how many guests you invite.  Can you afford over over 200 guests?  What are the prices on some of the venues in your area?  If you do not want to have the wedding at the courthouse, that is completely understandable and OK.  If he must have his parents there, then the destination wedding is out too.  Also, Be careful about FI saying whatever you want is cool.  Some of the other ladies on here might agree with me that once you get in the swing of planning and money is flying out of the account and appointments with vendors are going down he might change his tune!  I would sit down with FI and have a candid discussion about your must-haves. his must-haves, budget and guest list.  That will help out tremendously.

Baesmom

sigh.. i understand where you are coming from..  i say just do what your heart tells you to.  Save up and have the wedding you want.  That's what we are doing.  We planned it 2 years out so we could save. Ive told him that every vendor has to be picked by the end of this year so that we can pay for it all next year and into 2013. 
some people say "yall are stupid and just go JP but i refuse.. I am my parents only daughter.  On his side, i am also the only daughter (lol) so we will have a wedding.  I want to be a princess for the day and this is both of our first marriage.  the 2 of you should sit down, think about what you want, and make it happen.  as far as money is concerned, sometimes you will be very suprised at how much help and love yall will get. we got a check from my uncle today for 1,000 and i cried.  
Just pray and talk about it all.
GOOD LUCK AND HUGS!!

TNMurray

I'm confused, if you asked your FI if he wanted something small and he said no then I guess he wants something big. No matter what size you have it, you won't invite everyone and there will be hurt feelings. Because you are in the business I am sure that you can make you vision on a budget. 

MrsSmith2Be02

Thanks! We set a budget of no more than $20K. I really don't want to go over $15K and would like to keep guests no more than 200 (which shouldn't be too much of a feat).

Facility rentals on a Saturday evening can range anywhere from $2K to $5K here in Atlanta. What I had thought about doing is taking the reception to a hotel, since most don't charge for ballroom rental. This would also help so I could have a kiddie suite for the children in the wedding party to keep an adult reception.

He has only said his must haves are ice sculptures and an open bar. I did tell him that open bar may be an issue depending on the guest list and budget.

Thanks a bunch!

empegues

What if you did a destination wedding, and using the money you would have spent on a 300+ person wedding, pay for FIs parents to go (so they have no excuse).  The good thing about desination weddings is that people eliminate themselves from the guestlist pretty easily without you having too.

Good luck!

MrsSmith2Be02

@Tiffany - right! Actually he doesn't want anything at all BUT because it is important to me, he'd rather have big than small. And you're right, it can be done....

@Baesmom - that's my thing too. I'm my parents only child, let alone only daughter. My father passed a month ago unexpectedly and I remember a few months ago we were talking and I was telling him that I didn't know how I would have the wedding I've dreamed of. He said, don't worry, your mother and I had it and you will too. Well sadly enough, he won't be able to be there (except in Spirit), but I kind of really want to do this more so because I know he would have loved to walk me down the aisle. I am a Daddy's Girl to the tee, so my BFF (who is my daughter's Godfather and my play bro) is walking me down the aisle. On top of that, my mom told me yesterday that regardless of what we decide to do, she wants to see her daughter get married.

MrsSmith2Be02

Yes, that's an option too. We'll see. The good thing is that we do have time. Granted time does fly!

Carla1019

With a budget of $15K you can have a large wedding if you make certain compromises. Such as having it on a Friday/Sunday night and a place that allows you to bring your own catering and drinks.

Have you checked out the budget wedding board. Those ladies are geniuses when it comes to saving money. If you don't mind being VERY creative I think you can have it all.

mahoganieyes

What about a Friday or Sunday wedding, or even a lunch/brunch wedding? Maybe not a Saturday due to the highter cost. If you do a brunch or early wedding, you can do appetizers and still have a bar(limited drinks), ice sculpture and have the guest count you want.

ThunderKitten2011

In the beginning I had the same issue, we both have large families and lots of friends. In the end we decided on intimate (and yes I am dealing with the fall out of hurt feelings, but it is what it is and it was our pocketbook paying for this!). I say do what you feel is the best for the 2 of you. What best suits the both of you. And as PP say, your FI is saying whatever you say but he may change his tune, have a candid it down with him and draw up a budget. The budget alone will help you where all the other details fall in! Good Luck!!!

Baesmom

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_stressed-over-small-intimate-grand-affairwhat?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:400Discussion:29cdf30a-85b1-4e43-8dfe-078cad050c88Post:9e4d3b30-32ad-4248-9de3-04f52ebb2ac9">Re: Stressed over Small and Intimate or Grand Affair...What to do?</a>:
[QUOTE]@Tiffany - right! Actually he doesn't want anything at all BUT because it is important to me, he'd rather have big than small. And you're right, it can be done.... @Baesmom - that's my thing too. I'm my parents only child, let alone only daughter. My father passed a month ago unexpectedly and I remember a few months ago we were talking and I was telling him that I didn't know how I would have the wedding I've dreamed of. He said, don't worry, your mother and I had it and you will too. Well sadly enough, he won't be able to be there (except in Spirit), but I kind of really want to do this more so because I know he would have loved to walk me down the aisle. I am a Daddy's Girl to the tee, so my BFF (who is my daughter's Godfather and my play bro) is walking me down the aisle. On top of that, my mom told me yesterday that regardless of what we decide to do, she wants to see her daughter get married.
Posted by MrsSmith2Be02[/QUOTE]

we dont plan on ours going over 20k either.. its very easy to keep it under that..  there are some things that i have decided to make diy to cut costs.  you also should write down a list of WE MUST HAVE THIS AT THE WEDDING and IF WE CAN AFFORD I WOULD LIKE TO DO THIS.
it helps keep things in line.  and you really really need to think about what goes under what list.  
I hope it all works out for you.

MrsSmith2Be02

I really want to do a candlelight ceremony. So Friday night is an option (just fighting Downtown Atlanta traffic). Sunday is out because of church service. One of my gotta haves is a church ceremony.

I had plan to DIY a lot of things. My aunt does floral arrangements and luckily I'm not that big on flowers, I'd rather have more candles and some florals.

I have a really big family and am big on relationships, so I keep in touch with everybody. My FI on the other hand doesn't communicate much with his family and only has a few friends who are all in the wedding party except for maybe a few co-workers of his that he's close to. Other than that, I fill up the guest list.

I'll go back and check out the budget board and the DIY board too. I saw some things but I feel like i'm so far away that I have time to cool it for a second. Not too long, but a little.

Carla1019

Can I be honest with you....One year to go is not a long time and the earlier you start the better. I started almost 2 years out and the time few by. Many vendor's prices go up every year so if you can put down a deposit this year you may come out ahead.

Born2bmrscenteno

OMG I feel your pain gf. The same thing happened to me. I was going to have a grand affair and like you, FI in the end went crazy and didn't want to have a wedding at all so I met him in the middle and cut the guestlist in half. I'm 99 days away from getting married and eventhough I would've loved some of the other people to be there, I know it was the right thing to do (it was hard to let go though).

I can imagine that planning weddings everyday REALLY makes you want to have a grand affair even more. You can still have a mini grand affair just with less people there, I'm sure you get good discounts since you are a planner. You can still get married in a church, at a small chapel, or by a minister anywhere (outside a church) because God is where two people are gathered in His name (I used to be the same way though and HAD to have a church wedding, now I'm not but a Christian minister is marrying us). I think if you have 140 guests by yourself (wow) you might want to make it super small because the smaller it is, the less people will be mad that they can' t come when you tell them, oh I'm only inviting 25 people they can get over it. Now if you invite 100, and cut 40, those 40 will think why aren't they one of the closest 100 people to you which is kind of worse LOL. But I guess if FI says courthouse or grand affair, then it seems you have to go big?

I would just be thinking are you going to pay for a grand affair and then look at that raggedy carpet for how many more years? Lol. But you don't want to spend years thinking of the wedding you never had either. $15K for 200 guests is seriously not bad though and I'm sure you can work it out. That is not even near possible in Miami unless I served big macs, had no flowers, no bar, had my momma take photo's, and itunes on a radio instead of a DJ and that would be no grand affair at all.

mikimoto6

I am also  an only child.  We had a wedding with 64 guests and it was wonderful.  FI and I decided that we wanted to pay cash for the wedding and not water down our vision simply to accommodate a larger number of people.  We spent just over $9,000 and had a fabulous wedding.  We got married on a Friday evening because our Congresswoman who officiated our ceremony said Friday was an easier day for her to control her schedule than Saturday.  

We both have large professional and personal networks (work, sorority/fraternity, political contacts, etc) and we were able to keep our list small.  I do well with maintaining relationships also and I simply told people we were having a small wedding.  Contrary to popular belief, people understood.  Neither one of us lost any sleep about the few people who threw a fit about not being invited. We are in the process of preparing to send out wedding announcements to that list of 250+ people that were not invited.  

In Los Angeles, we would have needed to spend $60,000 to have the wedding I wanted for 250 people and that was simply out of the question, especially since we don't own a home.  I was really happy to be able to shower our small guest list with all of the things that we really wanted.  We also were blessed with gifts from friends who stocked the bar, paid for the limo, did videograpy for free, mom baked our wedding cake, etc.  

Honestly, I love a wedding like anyone else, but the large productions are often for the benefit of others.  We invited the people who truly love and support us and that we can rely on to support us throughout the duration of our marriage.  Using that criteria for invites, you can probably cut your guest list quite a bit.  Not saying that people don't care about you, but the people who really will support you long term  is normally a fairly short list.