Prayers

[Deleted User]

Hi Ladies,

Ive been so encouraged by the show of faith on this board, regardless of what path we all are on. I missed the 8 am prayer call that Carla initiated but I really enjoyed reading everyone's prayers and testimony. I don't know you ladies in real life, but it's so wonderful to see "us" supporting "us" in love, marriage and committment.  One thing that has struck me, is the notion that marriages and covenants are under attack. When I look at the dismal stats on Black marriage rates, and the lack of response in many (not all) churches, it makes me wonder why supporting and encouraging marriage is not more of a priority.  For instance, I attended a service recently and the pastor went on and on about how diffficult and dreadful marriage is and concluded by stating that all couples who wished to be married must go thru six months of intensive premarital counseling with him before being allowed to marry within the church. Afterwards , the general sentiment seemed to be that marriage was this nebulous state that was doomed to failure and everyone would be better off not married. As I looked around I saw this plethora of single mothers and no husbands. I'm told that the week before, this same pastor preached about the evils of single motherhood and OOW babies. I'm at a loss trying to figure out why he thinks marriage bashing from the pulpit is going to help lower the rates of OOW births!

So...fast forward to tonight.  My wedding is in 8 days. My fiance is divorced (never did a wedding ) and has been hit with pre-wedding jitters.( His first marriage was really horrific and very brief). So he went to his pastor for reassurance and instead was told that he was "crazy' for marrying again, blah, blah.  So he was pretty shook up about things and I don't think that his church will be our home once I move after the wedding, lol. But over the course of our discussion, FI said that it's frustrating that Black men have so few sources of support and encouragement for marriage. FI's father is not a good role model and most of his friends are just getting engaged. So they don't have anyone to help guide them through the process.

My situation is different because I'm almost the last of my friends to get married. Most of my cousins are married as well. So for me, marriage was an expectation.  I've had a lot of guidance from friends and family, plus I have this board as another resource. Even though I don't post much, I read this board daily and you ladies have really inspired me to step my future wife game up so to speak.  So I'm grateful to have this community.

But what happens after marriage? Wouldn't it be great it we had a forum where Black marriage was celebrated? Where people could discuss issues candidly and get good advice (instead of the standard, "leave now!" mess people usually give). I don't involve my family in my relationship so I know already that some things are going to arise that I will need to vent about, but I won't have a resource.  So what to do? Anyway, just thinking and typing in the wee hours of the morning, lol.l

Baesmom

I think that we are building a resource... Just because you get married doesnt mean that we stop turning to eachother.  I think that after the marriage bliss has worn off is when we need eachother the most.  We are entering into something very very special. We need to hold on to that and remember what brought us to our mates in the first place. 
The women that are getting married ahead of us can prepare the rest for REAL LIFE SITUATIONS lol.  We can prepare the knotties that come after us for the real life situations. 
When i was pregnant with my son, i found this mommy to be page (called baby-gaga)
I first started out with a group of moms that were due the same month as me (june mommies) we discussed the pregnancy, cravings, moods, preparing, ect... After my son was born, i started chatting with the May mommies (he was impatient and decided to come 3 weeks and 4 days early lol) We discussed our babies progress, what they did new, rolling over, first tooth, first word, first step. how we were feeling, breast feeding EVERYTHING.  Now our kids are 2 and we still chat nearly every single day.
What im saying is We are planning our weddings together in here yes, but its not supposed to stop there.  I want to still be chatting with you women in 2 years discussing anniversary and "girl he left his dirty underware on my bathroom floor," WE ARE OUR RESOURCE

Carla1019

@Baesmom - I couldn't have said it better. My wedding isn't until July 2012 but I plan on staying around for the encouragement and support afterwards. Some of the ladies on other boards have been married over 5 years and they still are here.

Tybyod had a great idea for a group cruise next summer I think this would be a great opportunity to bring our FI/DH and fellowship together. I won't be able to attend due to my wedding but I wouldn't mind coordinating the next trip in 2013.
We must make it a priority to support our marriages and come together for one another.

@Winniethepiglet - Please find another church home for your family. The Pastor you are describing might mean well with his message but his delivery is all wrong.

MrsSmith2Be02

I totally understand where you are coming from. What I would suggest are these things, pray that from now until you get married and after marriage that you are surrounded by God-fearing, married couples. This will 1) help you both to see that marriage is a beautiful thing in God's eyes and 2) have a network of encouragers, prayer partners, etc. when you have any obstacles.

Also, search for a church together that will not only feed you spiritually, but GROW you spiritually. The church I went to in DC was awesome for this and encouraged marriage....but marriage to your Boaz (KWIM?) They had forums every 1st Friday for married and engaged couples to talk about openly some obstacles and ways to confront them, God's way.

Good Luck and I'll be praying for you!

djscat

AMEN AMEN AMEN!!!  We must stick together before during and after the weddings.  That is half the reason I started the FB group for the love dare challenge because after I get married I don't want to lose touch with this wonderful group of women that have have met in here.  I'm going to need some help from ya'll when I wanna throw a brick at his head. LOL 

You ladies are the best. 

ejagers

LOL @ Cat

I too, have grown quite fond of all of you and learn so much from daily.  I will also be keeping in touch with you guys.  I mean at this point, it's a habit anyway.  I can't go too long without knottie contact or I will have withdrawls LOL. 

@ winniethepiglet, one thing that my married friends do (about 7 couples) is meet once a month for date night.  They openly discuss how marriage life is going and celebrate each others successes.  The husbands have accountability partners and everyone looks out for the union so there is no "taking sides."  Everyone is so supportive of each other.  We celebrate birthdays and new babies all of the time!  FI & I fellowship with them all of the time.  Two of the couples were actually with us when we got engaged.  It is the groups rules that FI & I can't officially do date night with them until we are married.  But we are super excited and it gives us both something to look forward to.  Have you ever thought about fellowshipping with some of your married friends once and a while?

[Deleted User]

@Carla: We definitely will not be making that church our home. I think the cruise sounds like a lot of fun! We definitely like to travel so we'd be down

@ ejagers: Most of my married friends do not live near where we will be settling, once I move in with him. I do have one good friend who lives about 90 mins from fiance. Whenever I visit, we try to get together wtih them. But that just means that we need to make more married friends!

I will definitely stay on this board after my wedding (8 days, ya'll!) FI and I had a long talk this am (he called me at 7am, lol!) and we both feel much better despite everything that has transpired.  I'm traveling tomorrow so wish me luck traveling with the dress.

lcroster

I love this group and everythign the other ladies have said.  I can't imagine moving from this board or not looking at the DGW. 
@ejagers - I love your friends idea.  We have friends that are married but none of the currently have a standing date night.  We might have to start that after our wedding.