SMH ugghhh advice ...

MsAmeera25

I personally think he shouldn't go without you. You are married and therefore a united front. For him to go without you is saying it's okay for you to disrespect my wife.

Personally I would either A. Go to the party with him, have him wish his son a happy birthday and give him a gift and LEAVE together. Or B. We both stay home. and plan a party with his family and who ever else  yau;ll want to invite.

He needs to nip her behavior in the butt now. What happens when his son graduates and she doesn't want you there...it's not like you can just have another graduation or a wedding later on down the line etc. What if yau'll have a baby is his son not going to be allowed to come spend time with his or her sibling??

This to me is just the onset of a ton of problems.

You are his wife point blank period, your husband needs to respect it and she needs to get in her lane and respect it too.

kthowell

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_smh-ugghhh-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:400Discussion:437843c6-e852-4b5d-848c-5cf0db289df7Post:20467f65-ffaf-4ff6-a357-2f3d2e429255">Re: SMH ugghhh advice ...</a>:
[QUOTE]you should NEVER feel like youre "in the way"... I cant tell you what to do.. but think of what has happened soo far... when you dont discuss it with your husband.. what has been the outcome.. You have to decide what YOU WANT.. and how you want this to turn out.. I knew what I didnt want.. and through trial and error.. I figured out what was best for "MARIONNE".. I know what I may feel or what some other people may feel through our past experiences and what we would tell you to do... but I dont think that's gonna help.. You need to know in your heart and spirit what you are doing is right for you... HOW DO YOU WANT YOUR FUTURE TO BE WITH YOUR HUSBAND.. and your combined family?? that's the question.. This is that grown up..big girl panty moment.... I know it's not easy!!!!
Posted by nursing2u[/QUOTE]

I hear that........I will continue to pray on it...and start shaping things so that our marriage can be strong and our future bright! thanks

nursing2u

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_smh-ugghhh-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:400Discussion:437843c6-e852-4b5d-848c-5cf0db289df7Post:adbbf0d4-41f6-46e0-82d0-caf6a276c2a3">Re: SMH ugghhh advice ...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: SMH ugghhh advice ... : I hear that........<strong><em>I will continue to pray on it...and start shaping things so that our marriage can be strong and our future bright! thanks
</em></strong>Posted by kthowell[/QUOTE]

THIS!!!!! IS WHAT I WAS WAITING FOR!!!!

kthowell

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_smh-ugghhh-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:400Discussion:437843c6-e852-4b5d-848c-5cf0db289df7Post:9b7cdab7-d669-4d76-8221-bbd7fc19d6cc">Re: SMH ugghhh advice ...</a>:
[QUOTE]I personally think he shouldn't go without you. You are married and therefore a united front. For him to go without you is saying it's okay for you to disrespect my wife. Personally I would either A. Go to the party with him, have him wish his son a happy birthday and give him a gift and LEAVE together. Or B. We both stay home. and plan a party with his family and who ever else  yau;ll want to invite. He needs to nip her behavior in the butt now. What happens when his son graduates and she doesn't want you there...it's not like you can just have another graduation or a wedding later on down the line etc. What if yau'll have a baby is his son not going to be allowed to come spend time with his or her sibling?? This to me is just the onset of a ton of problems. You are his wife point blank period, your husband needs to respect it and she needs to get in her lane and respect it too.
Posted by MsAmeera25[/QUOTE]

I just spoke to my sister and she said the same exact thing.... she is so good with advice and she doesnt take sides.. I was told .... I shouldnt care because it isnt my son but I am the type to be involved in my kids activities. I support my daughter, my step daughter, and i try to support my step son. Now we see that she is telling her son things so now he thinks he can come over and do what he wants to me. (Husband put a end to that quick) Its just a mess but at least I know that I can just be passive I have to stand for something or be prepared to fall for anything!

gmg75241

So in order to respect her, he has to disrespect you by not involving you in his child's life? I understand she is crazy so since she is doing a nice big party for him, then you and your husband should be able to without her interference. Yes, he will notice his dad is not at his mom's party but if you are throwing him one, I'm pretty sure he won't miss that since he gets 2 parties instead of one. Like I said before, this is how we do it and it works so much better since no one is being disrespected. And my fianc's child's mother is crazy with a capital C. Lol

kthowell

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_smh-ugghhh-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:400Discussion:437843c6-e852-4b5d-848c-5cf0db289df7Post:62e549e2-9886-4675-b37a-9746081cd5b6">Re: SMH ugghhh advice ...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: SMH ugghhh advice ... : THIS!!!!! IS WHAT I WAS WAITING FOR!!!!
Posted by nursing2u[/QUOTE]

Big Girl Panties lol... I am still learning about this marriage thing.... I have been praying and I see a little change in my husband,... a little. He said she is acting like this because I am young but when he was with his daughter mother none of this happened! (same age group)

nursing2u

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_smh-ugghhh-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:400Discussion:437843c6-e852-4b5d-848c-5cf0db289df7Post:75f2483e-a884-4fbe-b1d1-73da2a416574">Re: SMH ugghhh advice ...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: SMH ugghhh advice ... : Big Girl Panties lol... I am still learning about this marriage thing.... I have been praying and I see a little change in my husband,... a little. He said she is acting like this because I am young but when he was with his daughter mother none of this happened! (same age group)
Posted by kthowell[/QUOTE]

Some life lessons are tougher than others... Dont worry about  the other woman... you focus on you and yours... that's it..

kthowell

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_smh-ugghhh-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:400Discussion:437843c6-e852-4b5d-848c-5cf0db289df7Post:007dbee7-022d-4c91-a05a-285871ef7559">Re:SMH ugghhh advice...</a>:
[QUOTE]So in order to respect her, he has to disrespect you by not involving you in his child's life? I understand she is crazy so since she is doing a nice big party for him, then you and your husband should be able to without her interference. Yes, he will notice his dad is not at his mom's party but if you are throwing him one, I'm pretty sure he won't miss that since he gets 2 parties instead of one. Like I said before, this is how we do it and it works so much better since no one is being disrespected. And my fianc's child's mother is crazy with a capital C. Lol
Posted by gmg75241[/QUOTE]

lol mines is crazy with a capital C too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I think that will work for us as well because last year he spent his entire birthday with us......I will pray on it but we are one now so....we shall see how this plays out!

gmg75241

Agree. Your husband can stop all the confusion. It has to be on him because you have done all you can do. He should have nipped it in the bud when she demanded that you don't talk to his son. Why would he allow that? That will create a divided family unit that you guys give him in your home.

kthowell

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_smh-ugghhh-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:400Discussion:437843c6-e852-4b5d-848c-5cf0db289df7Post:2dabecf5-70a0-4b76-8d8c-b59c19ee3f23">Re: SMH ugghhh advice ...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: SMH ugghhh advice ... : Some life lessons are tougher than others... Dont worry about  the other woman... you focus on you and yours... that's it..
Posted by nursing2u[/QUOTE]

I sure will........................I am trying to do that........................thanks again!

kthowell

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_smh-ugghhh-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:400Discussion:437843c6-e852-4b5d-848c-5cf0db289df7Post:39ce77d2-4043-4fc6-aff7-d6f4d6b5fe2b">Re:SMH ugghhh advice...</a>:
[QUOTE]Agree. Your husband can stop all the confusion. It has to be on him because you have done all you can do. He should have nipped it in the bud when she demanded that you don't talk to his son. Why would he allow that? That will create a divided family unit that you guys give him in your home.
Posted by gmg75241[/QUOTE]

Oh when that came out I wasnt worried about what she said I was hurt that he said we had to respect her wishes. I almost choked! I dont know why he agreed to that but he did....he said we have to respect her Karla...I think thats when I shut down and became passive.

nursing2u

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_smh-ugghhh-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:400Discussion:437843c6-e852-4b5d-848c-5cf0db289df7Post:2cd7e832-814e-4019-82f6-519715197f20">Re: SMH ugghhh advice ...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: SMH ugghhh advice ... : I sure will........................I am trying to do that<strong><em>........................thanks again!
</em></strong>Posted by kthowell[/QUOTE]

you're welcome.. that's what we are here for... to share our experiences and learn and grow from them..

kthowell

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_smh-ugghhh-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:400Discussion:437843c6-e852-4b5d-848c-5cf0db289df7Post:f5c031cc-b2ea-453d-9b1e-042bcbef16d4">Re: SMH ugghhh advice ...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: SMH ugghhh advice ... : you're welcome.. that's what we are here for... to share our experiences and learn and grow from them..
Posted by nursing2u[/QUOTE]

:) Yes I need someone to vent to.....and i dont have friends who can really relate

[Deleted User]

and you do have to respect her wishes, but with reasonable balance.  what happens if the baby gashes his leg opened and your husband's at the store?  can you attend to him? are you supposed to wait for his return for the child to get a band aid and a hug?  he's being too literal. yeah you've gotta basically do what she asks, but bottom line HE (and you together) decide and set the parameters for what happens in your house - what's his fear that he won't see his son anymore?  frankly, that's not (legally) up to her either.

gmg75241

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_smh-ugghhh-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:400Discussion:437843c6-e852-4b5d-848c-5cf0db289df7Post:7a2e8556-5ccf-4e71-aa0a-e7fcc59128fb">Re:SMH ugghhh advice...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:SMH ugghhh advice... : Oh when that came out I wasnt worried about what she said I was hurt that he said we had to respect her wishes. I almost choked! I dont know why he agreed to that but he did....he said we have to respect her Karla...I think thats when I shut down and became passive.
Posted by kthowell[/QUOTE]

Oh Im sorry. That would hurt my feelings too. Maybe he is afraid she will demand full custody or child support etc. Some do that when they are mad at the new woman and the man wont do what they want. Maybe one day she will get she is just hurting the child because all you would do is help him, not hinder him. smh. I hate when children are used as a payback.

M1ssJ

I have no advice that would be constructive. I love you and you are in my prayers.

If you want me to go worldstarhiphop on someone I will. JK. ..... KINDA....

CreoleBride30

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_smh-ugghhh-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:400Discussion:437843c6-e852-4b5d-848c-5cf0db289df7Post:cd47a27c-e1df-464e-b415-1832df0e0e26">Re: SMH ugghhh advice ...</a>:
[QUOTE]I have <strong>no advice</strong> that would be <strong>constructive</strong>. I love you and you are in my prayers. If you want me to go <strong>worldstarhiphop</strong> on someone I will. <strong>JK. ..... KINDA.</strong>...
Posted by M1ssJ[/QUOTE]

<div>STOP IT!!!!!!!! LMBO! You definitely made light of a tough situation...rolling laughing!</div><div>
</div><div>Cha</div>

nursing2u

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_smh-ugghhh-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:400Discussion:437843c6-e852-4b5d-848c-5cf0db289df7Post:50f70a8d-7656-41d1-9218-f228e1b8e679">Re: SMH ugghhh advice ...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: SMH ugghhh advice ... : <strong>STOP IT!!!!!!!! LMBO! You definitely made light of a tough situation...rolling laughing! Cha
</strong>Posted by CreoleBride30[/QUOTE]

Agree!!

island07b2b

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_smh-ugghhh-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:400Discussion:437843c6-e852-4b5d-848c-5cf0db289df7Post:ac4b57b1-066c-4fb8-841a-819a9bd2045e">Re:SMH ugghhh advice...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:SMH ugghhh advice... : Oh Im sorry. That would hurt my feelings too. Maybe he is afraid she will demand full custody or child support etc. Some do that when they are mad at the new woman and the man wont do what they want. Maybe one day she will get she is just hurting the child because all you would do is help him, not hinder him. smh. I hate when children are used as a payback.
Posted by gmg75241[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Yeah and children grow up and start to speak upon what they have observed.  If she is indeed using the child as a weapon she better be prepared for the backfire.   </div><div>
</div><div>You have a very dicey and tricky situation to wade through.  Ultimately the primary relationship you need to concern yourself with is the one between you and your DH.  Do all that you need to do to keep the peace with your DH and in your household.   Someone said earlier that you have to put your foot down no matter how uncomfortable it may be.  You can't afford to be passive on this one.  Certainly you can't dictate to her what to do with her child so you have to bite the bullet on her foolishness for now BUT you can encourage your DH that he has rights and should be able to do what he wants with his child and that he needs to let the momma know that.  It may ultimately have to go to court which I know no one wants but sometimes utter foolishness like what you are going through can only be tamed by the gavel.  </div><div>
</div>

M1ssJ

Lol yall had the good advice covered. 

kthowell

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_smh-ugghhh-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:400Discussion:437843c6-e852-4b5d-848c-5cf0db289df7Post:3f0c890b-1928-473f-b162-c1af3e0e65b9">Re: SMH ugghhh advice ...</a>:
[QUOTE]and you do have to respect her wishes, but with reasonable balance.  what happens if the baby gashes his leg opened and your husband's at the store?  can you attend to him? are you supposed to wait for his return for the child to get a band aid and a hug?  he's being too literal. yeah you've gotta basically do what she asks, but bottom line HE (and you together) decide and set the parameters for what happens in your house - what's his fear that he won't see his son anymore?  frankly, that's not (legally) up to her either.
Posted by sultryzulu[/QUOTE]

None of that would happen because I wont be alone with him ever. And I am a mother as well and I know how this goes....I would never dictate to  my child father what goes in his home. I trust him with her and I have no say so on what goes on at his child. My respecting her is not mistreating her child and thats where it ends. As longs as her son is not being abused I dont understand her problem.....my daughter is 7 and her son in 8... She question her son as soon as he gets home....she too much

kthowell

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_smh-ugghhh-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:400Discussion:437843c6-e852-4b5d-848c-5cf0db289df7Post:ac4b57b1-066c-4fb8-841a-819a9bd2045e">Re:SMH ugghhh advice...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:SMH ugghhh advice... : Oh Im sorry. That would hurt my feelings too. Maybe he is afraid she will demand full custody or child support etc. Some do that when they are mad at the new woman and the man wont do what they want. Maybe one day she will get she is just hurting the child because all you would do is help him, not hinder him. smh. I hate when children are used as a payback.
Posted by gmg75241[/QUOTE]

me too

kthowell

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_smh-ugghhh-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:400Discussion:437843c6-e852-4b5d-848c-5cf0db289df7Post:cd47a27c-e1df-464e-b415-1832df0e0e26">Re: SMH ugghhh advice ...</a>:
[QUOTE]I have no advice that would be constructive. I love you and you are in my prayers. If you want me to go worldstarhiphop on someone I will. JK. ..... KINDA....
Posted by M1ssJ[/QUOTE]

lol

kthowell

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_smh-ugghhh-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:400Discussion:437843c6-e852-4b5d-848c-5cf0db289df7Post:af90af7e-ff31-4849-a77a-5e8d347cfc87">Re:SMH ugghhh advice...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:SMH ugghhh advice... : Yeah and children grow up and start to speak upon what they have observed.  If she is indeed using the child as a weapon she better be prepared for the backfire.    You have a very dicey and tricky situation to wade through.  Ultimately the primary relationship you need to concern yourself with is the one between you and your DH.  Do all that you need to do to keep the peace with your DH and in your household.   Someone said earlier that you have to put your foot down no matter how uncomfortable it may be.  You can't afford to be passive on this one.  Certainly you can't dictate to her what to do with her child so you have to bite the bullet on her foolishness for now BUT you can encourage your DH that he has rights and should be able to do what he wants with his child and that he needs to let the momma know that.  It may ultimately have to go to court which I know no one wants but sometimes utter foolishness like what you are going through can only be tamed by the gavel.  
Posted by island07b2b[/QUOTE]


Thank you

soontobehasrouni

I think you are totally right. you are his WIFE, not his girlfriend. He should tell her to F off, if his wife cant come, neither can he and you will have a seperate party. The problem with baby mommas is they get crazy when they lose control. Obviously, she has lost control and she needs to know that. NO ONE has the right to invite someone and not their spouse. I dont think the child will suffer here. im a firm believer in that the child will grow up and see what their parents are really like. If she is being this petty, im sure she talks about about u in front of the child. Sooner or later, the child alway ends up and realizing how sad and bitter their parents were. Personally, i always had seperate parties as a child, my parents divorced at 2, and i loved it! who doesnt want 2 parties? Double presents....yeah ill take that!

kthowell

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_smh-ugghhh-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:400Discussion:437843c6-e852-4b5d-848c-5cf0db289df7Post:7b090e62-b63e-4fe4-91f4-e39415bd9eb1">Re: SMH ugghhh advice ...</a>:
[QUOTE]I think you are totally right. you are his WIFE, not his girlfriend. He should tell her to F off, if his wife cant come, neither can he and you will have a seperate party. The problem with baby mommas is they get crazy when they lose control. Obviously, she has lost control and she needs to know that. NO ONE has the right to invite someone and not their spouse. I dont think the child will suffer here. im a firm believer in that the child will grow up and see what their parents are really like. If she is being this petty, im sure she talks about about u in front of the child. Sooner or later, the child alway ends up and realizing how sad and bitter their parents were. Personally, i always had seperate parties as a child, my parents divorced at 2, and i loved it! who doesnt want 2 parties? Double presents....yeah ill take that!
Posted by soontobehasrouni[/QUOTE]

Yes! My parents was divorced before I was born and until this day my daddy still comes sleep on my moms and stepdad couch! They always got along wondeful....I wish all families could be like mine.....besides my mom stayed in her lane until someone messed with her kids

TL25

Hey girl! Everyone covered evertything. I'm just saying wassup!

kthowell

Hey TL.