Whats your opinion on this?

sadou02

I was on my month board and this topic was pulled from the Christian Wedding Board...
One of the posters made this statement in the thread:

"I think a lot of the reason that people are statistically less likely to get divorced if they haven't lived together before marriage is because 1) People who live together prior to marriage tend to be less religious and less religious people tend to be more accepting of divorce than non-religious people and 2) Once you are physically living with someone, it's a lot more difficult to end the relationship (even if there are SERIOUS problems with it) because you are in some way legally and financially bound to that person (by a lease, deed, etc.), so people stay in bad relationships that normally they may not have stayed in because they feel "trapped"."

http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_adjusting-living-together_.0

What is your honest opinion on such a statement?

GiddyBride23

I could have a field day with this one, but I won't bother!!! What I will say is that religion and more importantly (in my mind) spirituality are very personal experiences. To make blanket statements about religious vs. non-religious people just won't cut it. I can share story after story about "religious" people and what they do and don't do. I think it's unfortunate that we use religion to judge others and sort of doom them to damnation.

My FI and I have what I consider to be a very strong and intimate relationship with a source greater than ourselves. To me, this is the glue that has held us together ... not anyone telling us what we should or shouldn't be doing OR any false sense of hope due to our comparison to other couples and the lifestyles they choose. Guess I won't be visiting the Christian board ....

desi2002

while i am a Christian, and i dont agree with living together before marriage, i dont think that people who do live together before marriage are "less religious" .... no one is perfect. The Bible says we have all have sinned and fallen short of His glory...

TNMurray

Most stereotypes have some validity, I agree with her statements. They do have some basis but its not the entire picture. Fi and I are very religious and we live together. I agree with 2). People living together or not dont break up for the fear of the unknown anf losing to comfort level they have had for year. Feeling like they have wasted time. This is a topic that can go on and on.

island07b2b

Her point one is a judgment call.  She is wrong on so many levels for making  the generalization.  I would daresay some where in her post she should have had a JMO. Her statement is insulting.

Her point two I can understand on a certain level but not enough to say that it is one of the reasons why the divorce rate is higher amoung those who live together prior to marriage. 

I believe one of the reasons why the divorce rate is high regardless if you live together prior to marriage is that many go into on the high of the wedding planning and the fanfare associated with it.   After the "I Do's" are said is when the real hard work starts and many are not prepared for it. 

sadou02

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_whats-opinion-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:400Discussion:446fbfc3-f287-44ab-8b37-f689fb88fbc4Post:f67460df-5e98-4038-b842-2e23559c0547">Re: Whats your opinion on this?</a>:
[QUOTE]Most stereotypes have some validity, I agree with her statements. They do have some basis but its not the entire picture. Fi and I are very religious and we live together. I agree with 2). People living together or not dont break up for the fear of the unknown anf losing to comfort level they have had for year. Feeling like they have wasted time. This is a topic that can go on and on.
Posted by TNMurray[/QUOTE]

I too believe stereotypes have some validity.  I dont believe in living together prior to marriage but that is because what was told to me from when I was young in the church and within my culture.  Being of Haitian descent, it is highly frowned upon.  If there's no ring or expectation of marriage then you can't live together.

When it comes to the statement on religion, being a Christian I can see where she is coming from, but that statement will cause a lot of arguements for those who have other beliefs.

sadou02

I will say this though. The rest of the post digresses from this point and highlights a lot of good points.  Even the poster of the statement highlights some great points.

If you get a chance I would read the thread.

lil01

Whoever posted this is entitled to their own opinion. However, I don't agree 100% with every statement.

I disagree with saying that people who live together before marriage tend to be less religious & less religious people are more accepting of divorce. Maybe that's how people around her get down, but you cannot make a generalized statement like that.

The statement about once you live together, its hard to leave....I'm sort of on the fence about this. If you come into the joint living already independent, financially stable, and self-sufficient, it wouldn't be as hard to leave a bad relationship as it would for someone who is none of the above or lacking one or the other. Yes, I agree that some people stay in relationships sometimes for the wrong reasons, but it always boils down to individual issues he or she has, such as self-esteem, need for control, etc.

She should post some empirical articles or research studies to show how she came up with those conclusions.

eagles347

As offensive as some may find her first point, she says "less religious" not less spiritual or less connected. Religion is a practice and living together is not acceptable in many Christian churches. If you take it for exactly what is written, you can see how she made that generalization. JMO...

I agree with Desi...we all have sinned and fallen short. I haven't lived with my FI, but I have had pre-marital sex. I can't justify it...and I don't try. I repented and sought God's forgiveness. I don't do it anymore.

I think I can see co-habitation not conflicting with the Christian religion if the couple were not sexually active.

Just my thoughts...sorry if this offends anyone.

happe2gether

Wow! Ok that is a very strong opinion.  I'm going to come at this from another way.
This is my 2nd marriage and I can tell you that in the first one we went  to church quite frequently.  We knew each other for about 5 years before marriage. We did not live together before the marriage and we also did not live together as a married couple until 6 months after we got married (thanks to Uncle Sam).  We were married for a total of 12.5 years and it still ended in divorce.  The marriage was just a bad one

Now, my fiance and I do not currently attend church together and it's more of a spiritual relationship than anything else.  We have lived together for almost 3 years now and I've heard this statistic about couples living together more times than a little bit.  I do not feel that we will ever get divorced and I also do not think that our religious relationship will completely dictate all the steps of our marriage.  I believe it is the 2 people in the marriage that will dictate how long it will last.

Respectfully I would say to this person that every relationship is different and its up to that couple to determine how long it will last.  To each his own because I'm not going to throw stones at anyone.  But she is very judgemental.     

eagles347

Interestingly enough...the person who posted that comment on the Christian board lives with her FI and they aren't married yet. So she is coming from a non-judgemental place, in my opinion.

mahoganieyes

Once you are physically living with someone, it's a lot more difficult to end the relationship (even if there are SERIOUS problems with it) because you are in some way legally and financially bound to that person (by a lease, deed, etc.), so people stay in bad relationships that normally they may not have stayed in because they feel "trapped"."

-I disagree. I think once you have children with a person, it's a lot more difficult to end the relationship.

Now onto spiritual. My family is Christian and my mom grew up in the church and stopped attending when I was born. The only time I attended church was with my late grandmother, funerals and wedding. Thanks to my fiance I pray more. Growing up my mother never practiced blessing the food and when I met my fiance I was taken back for a second. He would pray over his food no matter at home or at a restaurant; he even made me start praying over my food. Today, we practice this regularly at our home.

eagles347

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_whats-opinion-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:400Discussion:446fbfc3-f287-44ab-8b37-f689fb88fbc4Post:0465f7c0-fc1f-4345-9cb3-441f648c4a96">Re: Whats your opinion on this?</a>:
[QUOTE]Once you are physically living with someone, it's a lot more difficult to end the relationship (even if there are SERIOUS problems with it) because you are in some way legally and financially bound to that person (by a lease, deed, etc.), so people stay in bad relationships that normally they may not have stayed in because they feel "trapped"." -I disagree. I think once you have children with a person, it's a lot more difficult to end the relationship. Now onto spiritual. My family is Christian and my mom grew up in the church and stopped attending when I was born. The only time I attended church was with my late grandmother, funerals and wedding. Thanks to my fiance I pray more. Growing up my mother never practiced blessing the food and when I met my fiance I was taken back for a second. He would pray over his food no matter at home or at a restaurant; he even made me start praying over my food. Today, we practice this regularly at our home.
Posted by mahoganieyes[/QUOTE]

I am so glad to hear that your fiance has had this positive impact on your prayer life. Just to play devil's advocate, do you think he would not have been able to influence you in this way if you did not live with him? And, I apologize if I'm incorrectly interpreting your post to imply that you do live with your FI.

sadou02

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_whats-opinion-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:400Discussion:446fbfc3-f287-44ab-8b37-f689fb88fbc4Post:fe0c9743-8c00-4efc-8103-f3b1da090213">Re: Whats your opinion on this?</a>:
[QUOTE]Interestingly enough...the person who posted that comment on the Christian board lives with her FI and they aren't married yet. So she is coming from a non-judgemental place, in my opinion.
Posted by eagles347[/QUOTE]

I found that interesting too when I went back and read the entire post and said the same thing about coming from a non-judgemental place.

mahoganieyes

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_whats-opinion-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:400Discussion:446fbfc3-f287-44ab-8b37-f689fb88fbc4Post:90348071-f619-4dba-b3d1-98950ad37481">Re: Whats your opinion on this?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Whats your opinion on this? : I am so glad to hear that your fiance has had this positive impact on your prayer life. Just to play devil's advocate, do you think he would not have been able to influence you in this way if you did not live with him? And, I apologize if I'm incorrectly interpreting your post to imply that you do live with your FI.
Posted by eagles347[/QUOTE]


We've been together for  8yrs and the first 4-5yrs we did not live together, so the nightly prayers was not done together and the blessing of the meals was primarly done by him or "reminding" me. <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-innocent.gif" border="0" alt="Innocent" title="Innocent" /> Once we started living together it became a constant practice in our household, so it is our routine. Even now, when we get the chance to eat dinner together, if he forgets..I remember. Funny, how it was him teaching me at the beginning and now we're teaching and learning together.

halfpin21

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_whats-opinion-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:400Discussion:446fbfc3-f287-44ab-8b37-f689fb88fbc4Post:f7e02f26-efb4-4b89-a776-b3cdb4f50d6b">Re: Whats your opinion on this?</a>:
[QUOTE] <strong>I think I can see co-habitation not conflicting with the Christian religion if the couple were not sexually active.</strong> Just my thoughts...sorry if this offends anyone.
Posted by eagles347[/QUOTE]

I am Christian...I attend church, in fact I'm very active.  I don't use the word religious but that's another discussion.  I was taught that the sin is not in co-habitation but it is in being sexually active.  The assumption is that because you co-habitate you <strong>must</strong> be sexually active.  This is not always the case.  What I've learned also goes on to say that even if you are not sexually active but are co-habitating the mere fact that others can look at you and assume you're sexually active based on your behavior is enough reason to not live together.  They cite a verse which I can't remember right now that speaks to if people assume you're committing a sin based on your actions then it's the same as sinning. Now, I was taught these things but here's what I believe.  Currently, my FH and I live togehter.  It wasn't something we wanted to do but circumstances made it where I had to move and since I didn't know anyone else where he lived, I moved in with him.  Finacially we're paying for the majority of our wedding ourselves and it just made sense to not pay for two households.  We are not sexually active.  We made a promise at the beginning of our relationship to not do that and we are staying true to it.  For us, the commitment we made before God and to each other means more than doing it.  Now, others may perceive us to be doing wrong but I don't care.  Ultimately, if we sin or not, no one else has to deal with it but God and He will handle us accordingly.  I stopped worring about other people's commendation a long time ago.  So, I say that to say, I don't think I'm any less spiritual (of course I know that the OP said religious and not spiritual so I guess maybe I do fall her category), I don't think my pesonal relationship with God is weakened and I'm not worried about divorcing because we co-habitated 10 months before our wedding.  JMO  Also, based on reading further, I don't think she was being judgmental but I don't agree with everything she's said.

lil01

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_whats-opinion-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:400Discussion:446fbfc3-f287-44ab-8b37-f689fb88fbc4Post:fe0c9743-8c00-4efc-8103-f3b1da090213">Re: Whats your opinion on this?</a>:
[QUOTE]Interestingly enough...the person who posted that comment on the Christian board lives with her FI and they aren't married yet. <strong>So she is coming from a non-judgemental place</strong>, in my opinion.
Posted by eagles347[/QUOTE]


She may be coming from a non-judgmental place, but she seems to have "generalized" things. I was on the fence with some stuff she said & then disagreed with others. Although everyone is entitled to their own opinions, it would be interesting to know her reasoning. Has she gone through this personally or is it related to someone else or other people's situations that she knows of? Interesting!

mserika1

I feel that everyone has a valid point.  I personally don't feel that strongly about whether or not a couple should live together or not and if it has any bearing on the divorce rate.  I did live with my husband before we got married. It was a decision that we both made because we were trying to plan the wedding. I wouldn't have moved in if there were no set wedding date.  As far as marriages working or ending up in divorce there are may factors that could contribute to it.  Such as  drugs, alcoholism, physical/emotional abuse and blatant infidelity. I would get divorced for any of those reasons.  All in all whether or not to stay married and make it work is up to the individuals.  God ordained marriages to work and with Him, we can overcome all things, but this is in a perfect world. We are given free will and many people go into marriage with the divorce papers in a safe. 

banks69

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_whats-opinion-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:400Discussion:446fbfc3-f287-44ab-8b37-f689fb88fbc4Post:f7e02f26-efb4-4b89-a776-b3cdb4f50d6b">Re: Whats your opinion on this?</a>:
[QUOTE]As offensive as some may find her first point, she says "less religious" not less spiritual or less connected. Religion is a practice and living together is not acceptable in many Christian churches. If you take it for exactly what is written, you can see how she made that generalization. JMO... I agree with Desi...we all have sinned and fallen short. I haven't lived with my FI, but I have had pre-marital sex. I can't justify it...and I don't try. I repented and sought God's forgiveness. I don't do it anymore.<strong> I think I can see co-habitation not conflicting with the Christian religion if the couple were not sexually active.</strong> Just my thoughts...sorry if this offends anyone.
Posted by eagles347[/QUOTE]

Actually my sister - who I deem to be more "Word educated" than I (she pulls out condordances and does research on scripture sometimes) - pointed out to me that the act of co-habitation, which is merely sharing a residence together, is not the sin; but it is the fornication that may take place that's the sin.  It really changed my view on "shacking up".  But let's be real - unfortunately most couples that are living together are fornicating - religious/spiritual nor not! <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-embarassed.gif" border="0" alt="Embarassed" title="Embarassed" />

Now my reason for not wanting to live with my DH before marriage - I was not strong enough to resist the temptation with him being there every day!  Just keeping it real!