More Bridesmaids/MOH drama (vent/advise PLEASE)

MarryingmyKnight

So my wedding is 5 months away and I only have two MOH's; my sister and my BFF.  We are in different states so I have been asking these two to go try on the dress that I like so I can make sure it looks good on them.  My sister finally went and took a pic and sent it to me but my BFF has not.  My sister is a size 0 and my BFF is probably a size 14 so I need to make sure it will look good on both body types.  BFF has been saying she will go try it on for a while but hasn't went. Ok so I can get past that.......

I called David's Bridal to see how long it takes to get the dress in and they said this week it takes up to 8 weeks but that can change based on demand.  So I text message my BFF and ask her to please go order her dress by Aug 15 so I can make sure they have it on time. I get no response.  I text her the next day to see if she got the text...no response.  Here's the thing; my wedding is a destination wedding so she will need a plane ticket, hotel and dress and as far as I know she hasn't gotten anything yet.  I called her last week to tell her that my sister found a reasonable room (they are suppose to be rooming together) and see if she is okay with the amount she would have to pay and she didn't answer the phone so I left a message and got no response. I put a message on FB saying I was going to get her for not responding and no response. I even gave her an out in the message about the dress by saying if something changes let me know and no response. Am I tripping or does it seem like she is avoiding me? What do I do now? Fi and my sister said stop reaching out to her and just keep it moving but this is my BFF from 8th grade and I don't want to do that. Am I asking her for too much? Advice ladies; please!

shaneikaw

I don't think you are asking too much, it seem like she is avoiding you because for whatever reason she don't want to do it or can't do it and for some reason can't tell you the truth.  I know it's hard when someone have been  your friend for so long to just move on, but the thing is that she have already moved on and doing what she want to do, so if she don't feel that this very special day for you is important enough for her to even respond to say yes or no, then my suggestion for you is to just plan with your sister at least you know she is willing to do what need to be done for you and that's what is important.  Maybe if your friend come around and decide to talk to you or tell you the truth about what's going on she can get back in the wedding but from this point I say eliminate all stressor and she is one.

Kedeisha8

I would stop yes she is your long time friend but why am i running behind u when u dont have the decency to respond i would keep it moving remember you have other aspects of the wedding to look after not ti be micro mananging a rude friend

Baesmom

You have too much going on right now to stress.. I say you stop contacting her and keep it moving.  I do understand that she is your long time friend and you want her there on your special day. It does seem to me that her actions are letting you know that she doesn't value you in the same manner. 

alpresberry

This is a sticky one, but sounds like finances might be the issue.  If she has been a great friend to you since 8th grade, I would cut her a little slack.  Give her a little time, at least until your deadline of August 15.  Maybe she is trying to work it out financially and doesn't want to tell you yes or no yet until she know for sure. If you don't hear from her by your deadline then feel free to keep it moving.   

Fabbiegirl

This is one of the things to expect with DW's.  People will say they can do it, but when it comes down to it, you don't know what their finances are or reasons are for that matter.

Right now, I would stop contacting her.  For whatever reason, she is avoiding you.  It could be something major in her life right now, or maybe she has realized that she has agreed to something she can't do.  Further, she may be trying to figure out a way to do all of this and doesn't want to talk until it is a definite yes.  Sometimes, I have done that because I don't want to disappoint.

Give her space right now, and understand that DW's put a little bit more stress on BP and guests than the average wedding.   Don't let her stress you out.  I would send one last message that says something to the height of

 "Hey girl.  I have been trying to make sure all details for the wedding are finalized and have been having trouble catching you.  I know you have a lot going on, but know that I will always be there for you.  As far as the wedding and the dress are concerned, if you are not able to afford them for any reason, just let me know.  If you cannot make it, I understand.  I will make sure we spend some time together when I get back.  No hard feelings about it.  Love you." 

Sometimes, letting someone know that they will be off the hook when it comes to disappointing you will help people to come out of hiding.  Furthermore, you are nicely telling her she is being a bit immature by avoiding you.

I hope everything works out, and she has just been super busy or something.

pinkcottoncandy7

Yeah I agree send her  message letting her know she is off the hook and she will respond with a "what do you mean? I'm sorry! I'm coming!" or a "thanks for understanding that I can't do it" either way she will give you the final word on the subject

vanna0092

I went through something similar with my MOH ( best friend since 2nd grade). Our friendship end by her telling me I was scared she would look better than me and alot of other mean words. My feelings was hurt and it still bothers me now. However if a dress can end our sisterhood it must not have been that strong (on her part). One thing is for sure I will not force you to have a front row seat in my life if you don't want to be there. Life goes on.  

[Deleted User]

I feel your pain. I'm having a DW too, lol. Since the deadline isn't until August 15th, give her some time. Also have you considered paying for her dress? I made that offer to all of my WP because I didn't want to add on extra stress. So far no one has taken me up on the offer, but they appreciated it. But if she can't make it, don't take it personally. You are going to have a beautiful wedding regardless.

Where are you having your wedding? I'm getting married in PC, Dominican Republic

missowens

Well there's definitely something going on with your BFF since she is not returning your calls or responding to your texts.  It could be finances or something else going on in her life right now.  Do you have a mutual friend with your BFF that might know what's going with her, or that can call her to find out for you?  If not, I would give a little more time, at least until Aug. 15, and then make your final decision.  Hope things work out for the best!

Fabbiegirl

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_bridesmaidsmoh-drama-ventadvise-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:400Discussion:708f834e-10ac-4ea2-8e16-4dceaff46601Post:d91ec9db-13f4-44f0-b5e7-a5fb1db2336f">Re: More Bridesmaids/MOH drama (vent/advise PLEASE)</a>:
[QUOTE]I went through something similar with my MOH ( best friend since 2nd grade). <strong>Our friendship end by her telling me I was scared she would look better than me and alot of other mean words</strong>. My feelings was hurt and it still bothers me now. However if a dress can end our sisterhood it must not have been that strong (on her part). One thing is for sure I will not force you to have a front row seat in my life if you don't want to be there. Life goes on.  
Posted by vanna0092[/QUOTE]

Whoa!  That is deep.  It's her loss.

prncsz

It may be time to come up with a plan  B. Also don't get too upset about David's Bridal they say 8 weeks but most of my girls dresses came in about 3 or 4. You may want to just plan on having just your sister and contact your friend to tell her that since you have not received any responses to your messages that you are going to move forward with your plans without her. Most of the time when this happens people are doing this because they don't have the funds so they start avoiding you. Go ahead and relieve her of all duties and just proceed with your wedding. You don't need any addtional stress.

ejagers

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_bridesmaidsmoh-drama-ventadvise-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:400Discussion:708f834e-10ac-4ea2-8e16-4dceaff46601Post:3902c4e0-209e-44ee-a88a-621c5a66aa0e">Re: More Bridesmaids/MOH drama (vent/advise PLEASE)</a>:
[QUOTE]This is one of the things to expect with DW's.  People will say they can do it, but when it comes down to it, you don't know what their finances are or reasons are for that matter. Right now, I would stop contacting her.  For whatever reason, she is avoiding you.  It could be something major in her life right now, or maybe she has realized that she has agreed to something she can't do.  Further, she may be trying to figure out a way to do all of this and doesn't want to talk until it is a definite yes.  Sometimes, I have done that because I don't want to disappoint. Give her space right now, and understand that DW's put a little bit more stress on BP and guests than the average wedding.   Don't let her stress you out.  I would send one last message that says something to the height of  "Hey girl.  I have been trying to make sure all details for the wedding are finalized and have been having trouble catching you.  I know you have a lot going on, but know that I will always be there for you.  As far as the wedding and the dress are concerned, if you are not able to afford them for any reason, just let me know.  If you cannot make it, I understand.  I will make sure we spend some time together when I get back.  No hard feelings about it.  Love you."  Sometimes, letting someone know that they will be off the hook when it comes to disappointing you will help people to come out of hiding.  Furthermore, you are nicely telling her she is being a bit immature by avoiding you. I hope everything works out, and she has just been super busy or something.
Posted by Fabbiegirl[/QUOTE]
 

THIS!  Fabbiegirl, you are so AWESOME and so on point! 

vfriday

Has she posted anything on FB lately.  There may be some stuff unrelated to you or the wedding going on in her life.  Can you reach out to her family or mutual friends just to be sure she is okay?  If she is, then I say take the advice of PPs.

MarryingmyKnight

Thank you ladies for all the advice.  I guess I will just wait until August 15th and see what happens.  If she hasn't ordered her dress I will just proceed without her but send her an message letting her know I still love her and I am not upset about her not making it to the wedding.  I actually told her I thought it was too much as soon as I asked her to be my MOH but she said she was excited and of course she was going to be there so it wasn't too much.  Oh well.  I will keep you updated.

MarryingmyKnight

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_bridesmaidsmoh-drama-ventadvise-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:400Discussion:708f834e-10ac-4ea2-8e16-4dceaff46601Post:fc64ce7d-58c1-4b2c-a1d0-755ecacdd753">Re: More Bridesmaids/MOH drama (vent/advise PLEASE)</a>:
[QUOTE]I feel your pain. I'm having a DW too, lol. Since the deadline isn't until August 15th, give her some time. <strong>Also have you considered paying for her dress?</strong> I made that offer to all of my WP because I didn't want to add on extra stress. So far no one has taken me up on the offer, but they appreciated it. But if she can't make it, don't take it personally. You are going to have a beautiful wedding regardless. <strong>Where are you having your wedding?</strong> I'm getting married in PC, Dominican Republic
Posted by winniethepiglet[/QUOTE]

I would love to pay for her dress but I have to pay for the wedding and my sister's plane ticket and dress.  My sister is a college student and just told me she can't afford to make it and of course she has to be there so I am sponsoring her way out.  I am getting married in Vegas.  For me it is a drive because I am in Cali but for my sister and my BFF they have to fly.  Domincian Republic sounds beautiful!

MarryingmyKnight

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_bridesmaidsmoh-drama-ventadvise-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:400Discussion:708f834e-10ac-4ea2-8e16-4dceaff46601Post:6af90e8f-974a-4164-830c-4508c08435ac">Re: More Bridesmaids/MOH drama (vent/advise PLEASE)</a>:
[QUOTE]Well there's definitely something going on with your BFF since she is not returning your calls or responding to your texts.  It could be finances or something else going on in her life right now.  <strong>Do you have a mutual friend with your BFF that might know what's going with her, or that can call her to find out for you?</strong>  If not, I would give a little more time, at least until Aug. 15, and then make your final decision.  Hope things work out for the best!
Posted by missowens[/QUOTE]

We have mutual friends but no one she is close enough with to tell them if she was having some problems.

MarryingmyKnight

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_bridesmaidsmoh-drama-ventadvise-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:400Discussion:708f834e-10ac-4ea2-8e16-4dceaff46601Post:90712395-4bfb-4b37-bc04-5a9491aa3785">Re: More Bridesmaids/MOH drama (vent/advise PLEASE)</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Has she posted anything on FB lately.  </strong>There may be some stuff unrelated to you or the wedding going on in her life.<strong>  Can you reach out to her family or mutual friends just to be sure she is okay?</strong>  If she is, then I say take the advice of PPs.
Posted by vfriday[/QUOTE]

That is what bothers me she replied to one of her friends post on FB and totally ignored mine so I just deleted it.  It really hurts that she responds on FB to other people but just skipped over my post.

As I told another poster we have mutual friends but no one that she would tell if she was having problems and I am friends with her husband but I don't want to ask him.

[Deleted User]

I love Vegas weddings! Your wedding is going to be awesome. I hope your friend gets it together but if she doesn't, don't take it personally. Her issues are her own. My BFF has lost her mind during this process and eventually, I realized that she had the right to be crazy and she was responsible for her own behavior. I spent the first 4 months of my planning trying to placate her and solve her problems. I'm now at the point where I can love her from a distance. If she chooses to get her "act right" back, then I'll welcome her with open arms. I just don't have time to rescue her anymore.

MarryingmyKnight

Winnie thank you so much!  I am excited about the wedding; December can't get here fast enough. Lol!  Yeah I am just going to wait and see what happens.  I'm not at all putting her out of my life I'm just not going to worry about her being in the wedding anymore.  Thank you for the kind words!

tychandler

Give her a little time.  As the the other ladies said, maybe she bit off more than she can chew and is trying to work it out.  But if she doesn't come around soon, you should move on without her and have a long talk about your friendship.  You said she is married, were you there for her when it was her big day?  She should do the same for you in whatever way she can, avoiding you is not a good look.  Maybe you should reach out to her husband and see what is up with her and also to let her know that her support is what matters the most, not a dress.

MarryingmyKnight

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_bridesmaidsmoh-drama-ventadvise-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:400Discussion:708f834e-10ac-4ea2-8e16-4dceaff46601Post:27ccfe61-5eea-4454-958c-68958267956d">Re: More Bridesmaids/MOH drama (vent/advise PLEASE)</a>:
[QUOTE]Give her a little time.  As the the other ladies said, maybe she bit off more than she can chew and is trying to work it out.  But if she doesn't come around soon, you should move on without her and have a long talk about your friendship. <strong> You said she is married, were you there for her when it was her big day?</strong>  She should do the same for you in whatever way she can, avoiding you is not a good look.  Maybe you should reach out to her husband and see what is up with her and also to let her know that her support is what matters the most, not a dress.
Posted by tychandler[/QUOTE]

Yes I was there.  I flew in early and I helped pay for little odds and ends and helped with all her DIY projects and there was a lot. Lol! I was there for her.