Trying not to be mad, but it sucks.. very long(sorry)

RealHappyGal

Some days its just hard & I know what im getting myself into...
So, My FI fam hates me.  Let me explain in the most fair way.  My FI is a doc (some of u know that from my "God Willing" post...*high fives back at everyone I saw that response like 2days later).  He came from single parent in NYC and somehow beat the odds and did well.  I on the other hand, never graduated college and now just finished up an LPN coarse and am now back working on my RN now.  I have 2 kids from a previous failed marriage (he was a cheating ____) and so, instead of choosing his "equal" he comes up with me. 

All that is the unbiased reasoning for them feeling like he could have/should have done better.  Or their reasoning that I MUST be a "gold digger".... I never went after this guy, he went after me.  But, that is neither here nor there.  The issue at hand currently is this.  None of his family even know that we are getting married this August.  His reasoning for this makes sense and I understand but, somedays its just difficult to know that fact. 

His reasoning:  He has 5months left of residency and he is not in the mood to deal with anyone calling him telling him that its a bad idea.  He already knows he wants us to get married and he doesnt need the stress from them.  His intent is to tell people the week of his graduation (Only about 6weeks before the wedding....smh).  His attitude is that they will come if they want to be supportive.  They won't if they dont.

I guess I have to respect his methods of dealing with them, they are his family.  I certainly wouldnt want him telling me how to deal with mine.  But, I guess I just dont understand it....

ETA: They are the type of Christians that dont believe in re-marriage so to them Im still married to my cheating ex (who is now married to some1 else)... I think that they believe this is a load of crap because there are a few men in their family who have remarried and NOT been sent out to pasture.  Yet, they use this as a reason by "God" to not accept me

rowenac82

I totally understand how you feel but form the opposite end of things. According my family, I am not marrying my equal since I have a Ph.D. and fiance never graduated college. My mom has her moments and makes her little comments but in general she is trying to put her feelings aside and be supportive. I wanna say that I understand why your fiance is handling the situation the way he is but I can't. This is suppose to be one of the most happy times in your lives. And if you have made it clear to him that you are not comfortable with the way things are being handled, I think it should be announced to the family now if that's what you want. It sounds like you all will have to deal with some resistance no matter what, so why not deal with earlier than later. Definitely pray on this and keep communicating with your fiance. He has to understand how you feel in all this especially since you have been very accommodating thus far. 

ellone400

personally i would ignore them and if his family is this way i agree with him. let them get a invitation with everyone else in six weeks if they chose not to come thats money save and you can allocate it somewhere else for the wedding. pray that this situation improves which is the best option for the marriag. i wish you luck and   hope for the best!

M1ssJ

I'm sorry this is happening to you, I know it sucks but remember you have someone who loves you and has chosen you despite what others say which is hard to do. Be the better Christian and return their hatred with love and kindness. They hated on Mary for bathing Jesus feet and they hated on Jesus himself, stay classy and they will get over it

RealHappyGal

I guess Ive already decided that Im going to let him deal with it however he wants but, mostly it feeds my insecurity.  I guess I just wanted to vent.  His mom has been more towards neutral the last few months and IMO she is the most important of the bunch.  He has an aunt that is a ___- well Im not going to say.  He told her in January that he loved me and "feels that Im the one and would want to marry me one day"  She said "do what u want with your life"... we werent engaged at that time. 

Its so weird ya know.  With my first marriage, our families merged.  Some of those ties are still tight.  Actually in the other post when I talked about my lil cousin whos friend works for MAC, thats my exhus lil cousin..... who btw has been one of the most supportive people in this wedding planning thing.  She is with me at EVERTHING.

More info about the mom is that she has cancer and it has spread already.  I guess her answer was related to that.  I always smile inside and think that the woman she thought was never going to be good enough for her son, will most likely be the woman taking care of her in her last days..... isnt that how God works...smh

Carla1019

Remind those so called Christians that divorce is acceptable with God under the grounds of Adultery. Matthew 19:9.

Anyhoo, many marriages work better if one spouse has a demanding job and the other is more flexible. I've worked in banking for years and all the higher up executives that have been married more than 20 years all have stay at home wives.

Continue to show them that you bring love and happiness into his life and they will come around.

Sorry you are going through this.

RealHappyGal

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_trying-not-to-be-mad-but-it-sucks-very-longsorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:400Discussion:763c4d8d-53dd-4380-97dc-d84c12639b32Post:e2bcb66f-6af4-4627-acaf-754d3868a1a5">Re: Trying not to be mad, but it sucks.. very long(sorry)</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Remind those so called Christians that divorce is acceptable with God under the grounds of Adultery. Matthew 19:9.</strong> Anyhoo, many marriages work better if one spouse has a demanding job and the other is more flexible. I've worked in banking for years and all the higher up executives that have been married more than 20 years all have stay at home wives. Continue to show them that you bring love and happiness into his life and they will come around. Sorry you are going through this.
Posted by Carla1019[/QUOTE]

This was brought up and the rebuttle was that re-marriage is not supported by it.  IMO what is the point of divorse vs separation if remarriage is not an option...???

SunnyBB

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_trying-not-to-be-mad-but-it-sucks-very-longsorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:400Discussion:763c4d8d-53dd-4380-97dc-d84c12639b32Post:e2bcb66f-6af4-4627-acaf-754d3868a1a5">Re: Trying not to be mad, but it sucks.. very long(sorry)</a>:
[QUOTE]Remind those so called Christians that divorce is acceptable with God under the grounds of Adultery. Matthew 19:9. Anyhoo, many marriages work better if one spouse has a demanding job and the other is more flexible. I've worked in banking for years and all the higher up executives that have been married more than 20 years all have stay at home wives. Continue to show them that you bring love and happiness into his life and they will come around. Sorry you are going through this.
Posted by Carla1019[/QUOTE]

This.  Very well put Carla.  OP, I am so sorry you are going through this, I know it has to be hard.  We are here for you whenever you want to vent or anything!

MrsSmith2Be02

I totally understand you. My FI fam doesn't have a problem with me, just his mom.....for similar reasons, whereas my fam probably thinks I could do better because of FI and I difference in education, but the point is it isn't about them....its about you and him and God. It took me a long time to accept that. However, all you can do is love them like Christ has told you to and continue to pray for them. Try to make a relationship with them apart from FI so that they see you for you and not for the stereotype they have premeditated in their mind. HTH and keeping you in my prayers.

MrsSmith2Be02

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_trying-not-to-be-mad-but-it-sucks-very-longsorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:400Discussion:763c4d8d-53dd-4380-97dc-d84c12639b32Post:cd9998d2-a5ab-43d8-96cd-95ba0c5026a8">Re: Trying not to be mad, but it sucks.. very long(sorry)</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>I guess Ive already decided that Im going to let him deal with it however he wants but, mostly it feeds my insecurity</strong>.  I guess I just wanted to vent.  His mom has been more towards neutral the last few months and IMO she is the most important of the bunch.  He has an aunt that is a ___- well Im not going to say.  He told her in January that he loved me and "feels that Im the one and would want to marry me one day"  She said "do what u want with your life"... we werent engaged at that time.  Its so weird ya know.  With my first marriage, our families merged.  Some of those ties are still tight.  Actually in the other post when I talked about my lil cousin whos friend works for MAC, thats my exhus lil cousin..... who btw has been one of the most supportive people in this wedding planning thing.  She is with me at EVERTHING. More info about the mom is that she has cancer and it has spread already.  I guess her answer was related to that.  I always smile inside and think that the woman she thought was never going to be good enough for her son, will most likely be the woman taking care of her in her last days..... isnt that how God works...smh
Posted by RealHappyGal[/QUOTE]

Don't let ANYONE make you think you are anyone except for God's child. You know who God says YOU are. You are Fearfully and Wonderfully made! You are the apple of His eye! FORGET whatever his fam may say and how he may handle it. Trust me, I've been there. My FI just wouldn't say anything to his mom and it drove me up a wall. It wasn't until he explained to me that it bothers him too that I realized, its HER problem. Not mine. God will bless your marriage. Persecution will come from every area, but you have to be faithful that in due season it will all turn around.  Yes, it is amazing how God works. You never know how He uses us...

ladychambers83

So sorry you are going through this. My FSIL posted this video about Christians and Remarriage and Divorce... HTH

Search this in Youtube: Founder of Single Ready & Waiting Speaks Up About Divorce & Remarriagehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wKzUoE7b7PM&feature=youtu.be

RealHappyGal

Thank You everyone for your support, kind words, and ear (or I guess eyes) to listen to my rants.  Im sure there are more to come.  His family is just like that.  He has a cousin who, when he got married, on the very day... they offered to sneak him away to leave that girl at the alter.  He did not (that story ends badly after all anyway but, not the point). 
At this point its just his aunt (who is the matriarch) that doesnt like me.  He brought me to her home to meet her and she wouldnt even stand to shake my hand when I was introduced... I had to bring my hand back in.... smh.  His uncle (her husband) has always been sweet to me tho and the mama is coming around slowly.  Im sure there is hope with faith in God.  Even if I never am accepted truth is I have some much love in my world from my own family and even 2 family members left over from my last marriage.  I have the love of my two children and any more that God may bless my new marriage with.  At days end, Im not lonely and if this man I love would have me reguardless of what his family says, that says alot.

@ChocolateFlav I watched the video and i guess the surroundings of my divorce were a bit touchy. Im tempted to reach out to your FMIL to see what she would say on my particular situation.  At days end, I feel God must be ok with how it all turned out else why would he send me this wonderful person?

Thanks again everyone.  And future thanks for future rants

ladychambers83

Feel free to reach out to her. She actuals counsels so she might be able to shine some insight and how to handle the aunt from hell lol
It's my FSIL her name's Tanika
GL

island07b2b

I am going to bypass some of the stuff said here to say this;  You are NOT marrying his family.  No matter what people tell you.  I know his family becomes your family and vice versa, yadda-yadda but God says when a man marries a woman he leaves his family and cleaves unto his wife.   Sure life is easier and happier when families merge but that doesn't always happen or happens over time.  What you need to do is stay in prayer.  You are worthy.  If not, your FH would have kept on moving.  He is obviously a smart man and knew exactly what he wanted when he chose you.   His family loves him and they will come to love you too or at the very least respect you.  That's all you need. 

mejai1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_trying-not-to-be-mad-but-it-sucks-very-longsorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:400Discussion:763c4d8d-53dd-4380-97dc-d84c12639b32Post:d1d6b5e8-e43b-4fb4-b680-64a909dcfae6">Re: Trying not to be mad, but it sucks.. very long(sorry)</a>:
[QUOTE]I am going to bypass some of the stuff said here to say this;  You are NOT marrying his family.  No matter what people tell you.  I know his family becomes your family and vice versa, yadda-yadda but <strong>God says when a man marries a woman he leaves his family and cleaves unto his wife</strong>.   Sure life is easier and happier when families merge but that doesn't always happen or happens over time.  What you need to do is stay in prayer.  You are worthy.  If not, your FH would have kept on moving.  He is obviously a smart man and knew exactly what he wanted when he chose you.   His family loves him and they will come to love you too or at the very least respect you.  That's all you need. 
Posted by island07b2b[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I believe you should trust FI to handle it as he sees best as he knows his family better. His commitment to you seems evident, and you know your love and level of commitment to him. </div><div>
</div><div>He's obviously a smart man with a family that wants to protect him. That's admirable, but they also have to trust him to have the mind to make good judgement (which he has in choosing you!).</div><div>
</div><div>Hugs!</div><div>
</div>

RealHappyGal

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_trying-not-to-be-mad-but-it-sucks-very-longsorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:400Discussion:763c4d8d-53dd-4380-97dc-d84c12639b32Post:d1d6b5e8-e43b-4fb4-b680-64a909dcfae6">Re: Trying not to be mad, but it sucks.. very long(sorry)</a>:
[QUOTE]I am going to bypass some of the stuff said here to say this;  You are NOT marrying his family.  No matter what people tell you.  I know his family becomes your family and vice versa, yadda-yadda but<strong> God says when a man marries a woman he leaves his family and cleaves unto his wife</strong>.   Sure life is easier and happier when families merge but that doesn't always happen or happens over time.  What you need to do is stay in prayer.  You are worthy.  If not, your FH would have kept on moving.  He is obviously a smart man and knew exactly what he wanted when he chose you.   His family loves him and they will come to love you too or at the very least respect you.  That's all you need. 
Posted by island07b2b[/QUOTE]

The devil in me wanted to put that in the reading at the wedding, but it would be rooted in spite not love.... lol
We actually had a lil debate about that scripture once the FI and I and I told him "No where in the bible does it say I leave my family to cleave to you, you leave yours to cleave to me...get it strait"...haha But, my family loves and adores him.  Last night he and I were joking that if he were 40yrs older he would have just married my mom.  These two are on the phone about Jets games and knicks games.  Every Sunday its "Is wayne coming over, i need to know if i should cook sunday dinner for us"......??...
My sister and kids also adore him.  My younger son (6yrs old then) said to him abt a year before we even got engaged "So, are u gonna marry my mom or what?"..lol.
Im blessed in that way.  Maybe I should spend more time focused on how blessed I am then worrying about the blessings that I dont have