LONG STORY: Disappointing Experience - Ring shopping, commitment issues...

teamUS2012

I need some support... or encouragement... or something... and this is long.

I'm still pretty new with this whole wedding planning thing, and am still in the "vision planning" stage. I have 14 months until my reception/vow renewal/thingy, so I don't really feel much pressure at this point. Not to mention, I have major commitment issues and have called off more than one engagement before.

Over the weekend, I had a sisters sleepover with 3 of my church sisters and we looked through magazines, websites, etc. We had a totally awesome time; as 2 of them are married and gave me lots of advice, tips, and just the excitement that you won't get from a lot of single people. LOL

Anyway, we hung out and they encouraged me to try on rings. Since our engagement wasn't traditional (there was no proposal moment, just a mutual decision to get married), I don't have a ring yet. I thought I knew what I wanted, and my FI told me to pick out whatever I like and he will make it happen. So I tried on about 25 typical bridal engagement rings. They were all gorgeous, but not one of them made me feel anything. It was like "put it on, look at it for 1 second, nope this isn't it, take it off, next, repeat." I even tried different styles, at my friends' urging. I was really disappointed (and even started fearing it might be this hard for me to choose a dress). I felt so deflated.

Then, when we were about to leave, I walked past another case and ended up trying on a 5 ct. London Blue Topaz ring with blue side diamonds in a white diamond halo setting. I broke down crying. It was beautiful, I felt it, I loved it, I connected with it, didn't want to take it off. But, it's not an engagement ring and it's definitely not what I initially wanted. I had such a hard time bringing myself to commit to saying "this is the ring I want," mostly because it's not an engagement ring. I know people are doing non-traditional rings these days, and I even wanted a non-traditional ring myself. But it's just not what I envisioned, and I'm not a very flexible person, in general. I can't even bring myself to show it to my fiance, for some nutty reason.

I just didn't think it would be this hard and I'm fearing a resurfacing of these commitment issues. And I felt so stupid for crying over that ring. LOL.

I feel like I'm off to a not-so-good start, and my entire planning process is going to be like this.

Baesmom

dont worry about it being a non traditional engagement ring. Honestly, that's what sets it apart from others. just relax!! I have learned that with this wedding planning, some things will not go as you first envisioned them.  Perfect example is my dress. i really REALLY wanted a maggie Sottero.  i looked at them in on the website and loved them.  but once i tried them on, i didnt like them for me.  And i ended up with a galina instead.
As far as the ring goes, i want a black diamond instead of the traditional.  this might be a sign that you are going to have an "outside of the box" wedding know what i mean? Its a good thing. I understand the commitment issues but it will all fall into place..
btw if it makes you feel anybetter, My FI and I did the same thing "just a mutual decision to get married"  
And just know that we ladies are here for you every step of the way. 

Ksk2012

Wow... Ok for starters I love the sleepover and sup[portive friends that is so essential!!

Ok next on to the ring.. if the ring brought you to tears that is it! I am not a crying person and nothing so far has brought me to tears but I committed that if anything did, I would buy it. ( does that sound crazy)


Show him the ring, at least, and see what he says. You guys seem to be less traditional in the sense of you decided together it was time to get married and didn't have a traditional proposal.  Maybe send him a link to the ring via email, if possible, then he can see it on his own terms and time.

Commitment- whew I have that monkey too. I am working through commitment issues right now. For me, it is more so the emotions part I am working through. But I do find myself in a store not wanting to pull the trigger on something because I am afraid (not sure if that is the right word). But I just started doing stuff and walking through the fear. I asked God to speak to me in this entire process and really be my confidant so I can hear HIM guiding my steps. So I would be more alert and conscious during this planning stage. That has really helped. When I start to feel that nervous feeling I pray and ask God to guide me, then I really try hard to put it aside for a few hours or overnight. By the morning I have my answer.

Oh I have also started journaling. There is this site Penzu.com that is an free online journal. That has really helped!!

Carla1019

(((HUGS)))

Wedding planning can become over whelming. Even for us girls that have known for years everything we want.

There is a lot going on with your post but for now I will just give advice regarding the ring. I understand that your FI didn't do the traditional proposal, but is there a chance you can select 3 rings and have him pick out one that he likes?

I believe there is something very special about a man selecting the ring. It is a symbol of his promise to you and it is different than any other ring you have.

Also, do you know why you have commitment issues? Have those issues been resolved? If not, I would suggest to work on this before going any further.

nitaashanti78

I understand what you're going through with the commitment issues.  Mine were a little different, because I thought I wasn't going to be able to deal with being engaged, AGAIN, with two failed engagements behind me.  I had to learn to trust my feelings, and you will too.  If you're wanting to be with this person just BE. Enjoy this time and be happy about the fact that you've found the right person for you.  Have you talked to your FI or anyone else about your fears?  I talked with my current FI and I was 100% with him about all my feelings and I think that will help for you too.  Or maybe talking to someone neutral will help.  Just get those feelings out, that will help you a lot.

Your engagement and wedding is what you and your FI make of it and everybody's is different.  Don't feel like you have to do things a certain way or in a certain order.  At the end of the day, it's not so much about the day as it is about making a commitment to someone you love and care about.  Doesn't really matter how you get there, as long as you get there and it's done in love between the two of you. 

PrettyCW5

I agree with Baesmom! Don't get down. Your ring is exactly that, YOUR ring! It doesn't have to be like something that you see in the magazines or what society says is an engagement ring and what it's suppose to look like. It's whatever is special to you. I love my ring! It's kinda traditional in a sense but my diamond is no huge diamond. It has things that I love that I just wasn't finding in the "other" rings. I also have small hands and didn't want a larger diamond because that's just not me and I'm terribly rough on jewelry(got a great insurance plan on this bad boy though lol). I opted to get a finer diamond in place of a larger one.

Also, at the beginning of my planning I felt like I had everything together and knew exactly what I wanted until I  was actually engaged. Then I felt absolutely clueless. I second guessed myself, but when I actually let myself be "me" things began to fall in place. I actually starting second guessing my dress early this morning and it's not even back yet. I kept thinking how different it is and not like typical wedding dresses everyone has been wearing in my circle. Then I thought...well duh I'm not just a typical person. So my advice : pick what you like, don't worry too much about how things will look and what people will think. Just go with what you love and you'll be just fine. Things will work. *Hugs* Wishing you the best as you plan!!!

mandydc0509

My engagement ring is a 2ct black diamond surrounded by white diamonds. Definitely not what I imagined I would get but it is beautiful, and my FI put a lot of time and thought into it (he actually designed the ring).  If you love the ring (and it sounds like you do), show your fiance. Don't let whether it's traditional or not sway your decision.

My dress search was a little rocky because I can be really indecisive, but the people I went with made it a lot of fun. Make sure you bring a small, supportive group of people with you. It makes a huge difference.

I've also found that making decisions gets a little easier as the wedding planning progresses. You start to learn more about your style and what you want after every decision you make. Try not to get overwhelmed, and communicate with your FI. Mine has been very supportive and good at calming my nerves.

teamUS2012

Thank you ladies so much. You're really awesome. I've never been one to have female friends, but you ladies are really proving to me that the value of sisterhood is indispensable.

IRT my commitment issues, he and I have DEFINITELY discussed it and we talk about it frequently. I'm quite sure I know where it comes from, so that's a plus, too. Part of the reason I'm so positive he's the one is that he has exhibited so much patience and grace in dealing with me in this area. Not a day goes by that he doesn't say something to reassure me that he's not going anywhere and that he's excited about us and looking forward to spending the rest of his life with me, etc. He knows that for me, it's the little things that make me feel secure, and he goes out of his way to do them. The very first time we met, he asked me what were my "must haves" in a man. He was expecting me to refer to physical attributes, and I told him that the 3 things that were most important to me in a man is that he makes me feel safe, stable, and secure. To this day, he remembered that conversation and my 3 S's and constantly brings it up in conversation. I ask him a lot "baby, you don't get tired of me asking you every day if you still love me?" He always says "nope, I LOVE telling you and showing you how much I love you. I love seeing that look of peace on your face." He has the patience of Job. LOL

But yeah, I'm working on it, and I refuse to brush it under the rug. TBH, I'm so glad I had those commitment issues because they saved me from marrying the wrong guy. LOL! But I know he's the RIGHT one, and I don't want them to get in the way of my life with him. So yeah, pray for me on that one. We're working on it.

teamUS2012

Oh, and thank you so much for the HUGS ladies, I needed them. I even got teary-eyed while typing this all out. LOL.

I'm extremely indecisive, and I feel like this is one of the biggest projects I've ever taken on. Most of the time, I'm heard saying "as long as he's there, I'm there, and Pastor G is there, I'll be happy." And then other times, I freak out. Especially with the big stuff like the ring and the dress.

Baesmom

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_long-story-disappointing-experience-ring-shopping-commitment-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:400Discussion:784d1b40-a5a9-4b68-b615-fb4f6bb2528bPost:7fa76322-9328-459d-9c3a-3afaf7a341e8">Re: LONG STORY: Disappointing Experience - Ring shopping, commitment issues...</a>:
[QUOTE]My engagement ring is a 2ct black diamond surrounded by white diamonds. Definitely not what I imagined I would get but it is beautiful, and my FI put a lot of time and thought into it (he actually designed the ring).  If you love the ring (and it sounds like you do), show your fiance. Don't let whether it's traditional or not sway your decision. My dress search was a little rocky because I can be really indecisive, but the people I went with made it a lot of fun. Make sure you bring a small, supportive group of people with you. It makes a huge difference. I've also found that making decisions gets a little easier as the wedding planning progresses. You start to learn more about your style and what you want after every decision you make. Try not to get overwhelmed, and communicate with your FI. Mine has been very supportive and good at calming my nerves.
Posted by mandydc0509[/QUOTE]

omg! dont you love your ring!!

daniandron

*hugs*

I will just echo Carla, and say email FI three links to rings. That's what I did. And when he saw what I wanted he almost fell out because he thought they would break the bank, but that's where the communication comes in. And if you love this "non-traditional" ring, then email that link in bold. Lol. And as for commitment, I asked myself "if he ever becomes sick or disabled will I commit to loving him and taking care of him before myself?" That may sound silly, but that's what did it for me.

Baesmom

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_long-story-disappointing-experience-ring-shopping-commitment-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:400Discussion:784d1b40-a5a9-4b68-b615-fb4f6bb2528bPost:59deef1e-11d4-47c4-8cfa-2dc0ea6d203b">Re: LONG STORY: Disappointing Experience - Ring shopping, commitment issues...</a>:
[QUOTE]Oh, and thank you so much for the HUGS ladies, I needed them. I even got teary-eyed while typing this all out. LOL. <strong>I'm extremely indecisive, and I feel like this is one of the biggest projects I've ever taken on.</strong> Most of the time, I'm heard saying "as long as he's there, I'm there, and Pastor G is there, I'll be happy." And then other times, I freak out. Especially with the big stuff like the ring and the dress.
Posted by teamUS2012[/QUOTE]

I think we all have felt like this from one point to another..  its so good to have a strong support system and people that will be there to just listen to you vent.  We are blessed to have found that in eachother. 

tally7

Don't worry this process takes time and you just need to trust yourself don't worry about expectations in the past you will also surprise yourself along the way - I did so many things that I never thought I would do and enjoyed doing it

teamUS2012

Dani, I started to e-mail this whole thing to you instead of posting it here, but I didn't think it would be fair to you to start your Monday off like that. LOL! But thanks, girl, I so appreciate it. (And I'm going to e-mail you a pic of the ring... lol).

Mandy, I MUST see a pic of that!! I'm not into black diamonds, but that sounds gorgeous! I tried on a 2ct solitaire, and it initially looked like it was going to swallow my finger in my sleep, but then it grew on me. I still didn't have that gasp moment that takes your breath away, like I did with the Blue Topaz.

I think what I'm going to do is stop looking at rings until he gets here in a few weeks. We can look together, and I'll use that time to reinforce with him the types of rings I like and don't like, and I'll let him pick out the ring he wants me to have.

daniandron

Child please, get to emailing me!! If I can help ease some stress, I don't mind. Plus, I have some checks I wanted to share. Lol.

island07b2b

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_long-story-disappointing-experience-ring-shopping-commitment-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:400Discussion:784d1b40-a5a9-4b68-b615-fb4f6bb2528bPost:320cc38f-dfda-4ae2-9bfd-aebe15804a15">Re: LONG STORY: Disappointing Experience - Ring shopping, commitment issues...</a>:
[QUOTE]Don't worry this process takes time and you just need to trust yourself don't worry about expectations in the past you will also surprise yourself along the way - I did so many things that I never thought I would do and enjoyed doing it
Posted by tally7[/QUOTE]

I agree with this statement completely.  You should really just relax.  The whole process is taxing and will challenge both you and your FH along the way.  It will be ok.  Just make sure to talk out/address your issues as soon as you can so that they don't explode or cause you undue stress. 

As to the ring, mine is a chocolate diamond ring surrounded by white diamonds set in 18k gold and I love it!!!  I couldn't settle on a traditional ring either.  None of them called my name.  And the FH really wanted me to have a colored stone of some sort.  He was thinking canary diamond but when I saw the chocolate diamonds I fell in love. :)

mandydc0509

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_long-story-disappointing-experience-ring-shopping-commitment-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:400Discussion:784d1b40-a5a9-4b68-b615-fb4f6bb2528bPost:7dc2a4a5-be1c-461c-83b7-acd06d81d428">Re: LONG STORY: Disappointing Experience - Ring shopping, commitment issues...</a>:
[QUOTE]Dani, I started to e-mail this whole thing to you instead of posting it here, but I didn't think it would be fair to you to start your Monday off like that. LOL! But thanks, girl, I so appreciate it. (And I'm going to e-mail you a pic of the ring... lol). <strong>Mandy , I MUST see a pic of that!! </strong>I'm not into black diamonds, but that sounds gorgeous! I tried on a 2ct solitaire, and it initially looked like it was going to swallow my finger in my sleep, but then it grew on me. I still didn't have that gasp moment that takes your breath away, like I did with the Blue Topaz. I think what I'm going to do is stop looking at rings until he gets here in a few weeks. We can look together, and I'll use that time to reinforce with him the types of rings I like and don't like, and I'll let him pick out the ring he wants me to have.
Posted by teamUS2012[/QUOTE]

My TK image upload skills are terrible. I'll try to reminder to do it when I get home, but you might have to remind me haha.

I'm actually planning to get a more traditional band. Hopefully something that I can wear with the engagement ring or by itself on days that I don't want something so glam on my finger lol. The band I got for my FI actually has black and white diamonds too. He seems pretty excited about it.

But the blue e-rings I've seen are very pretty. Seriously, talk to your FI about it.

MrsSmith2Be02

Don't worry about it! I know its easier said than done, but seriously. If that's what you want then its all about it and he'll be happy either way.

You said on a different post that you grew up in the church. Well if you feel that you're resurfacing some issues then I would say the first thing to do is PRAY. We all know that the Devil does not like marriage and if your FI is the man that God ordained you to be with, then you need to combat that Spirit with prayer and believe it will flee. I'll pray for you too!

Happy Planning!

teamUS2012

Thank you ladies. Somehow I missed those last few posts until just now. (And yes, MrsSmith2be, please do keep me in prayer).

I did show him the ring and he replied exactly as I expected him to: "yeah baby, that's nice." No affect, no emotion whatsoever... lol. But my co-worker/friend reminded me that that's how my FI is in general. He's into sports and music, not fashion, not jewelry, not color schemes or anything like that. So for him, the "yeah baby" is pretty much all I can expect, and it means he's fine with it. LOL.

I decided to just wait until he gets here and drag him to Zales and Jared and see what we come up with. This will give me a break from stressing over it, and relieve the pressure of decision-making, which I hate.

happe2gether

I'm really late in the game of responding but I wanted to share something.

When we got serious about getting engaged, we did it as a family trip.  I mean for me, fiance isn't just marrying me, its my kids too.  So we went to a movie and afterwards hit up the jewelry shop.  I looked at a bunch of rings and narrowed ti down to just 2 rings.  All 3 of them chose the same ring.  I liked it but it didn't do anything special for me.  In the end I chose the opposite ring from them.  I checked to be sure they all liked it and of course they just wanted me to be happy.  So go with your gut!