What would you do? (Long)

tjw2011

Hey ladies!  I have an issue and would like to know what you ladies think of it.

A little back story:  My MOH/BFF and I met when I was 9 yrs old and have been inseparable since.  I'm 30 years old now which means we've been friends 21 years.  She is the 2nd cousin of my FI.  FI and I met many years ago when I was a child.  He always tried to get w/me, but I never would.  I had a boyfriend at the time.  Anyway, because my BFF/MOH betrayed FI many years ago, he doesn't really deal w/her. 

Ever since I've been engaged to FI, MOH has had negative regarding marriage and how so many people don't take it seriously.  At the same time, she wasn't really doing much as a MOH at first, but now has stepped up whenever I need something or has gone w/me to appts or whatever.  

FI planned a semi-surprise party for me this past weekend along w/my MOH and my mom's help.  My FI went to FFIL's house to prepare the food for my dinner while my mom and I did spent some quality time.  When it was time to get dressed that night to "go out", FI made it home and starts telling me little bits and pieces about what MOH has been telling him all day.  Basically, I forced him to tell me everthing she said because I kept asking questions and I wouldn't stop. BFF/MOH basically told FI a bunch of lies regarding things he didn't know/thought he didn't know basically telling him he's stupid for marrying me, etc. etc.  All of these things were negative comments.  I've been pissed since I found out and FI has begged me not to say anything until the wedding is over.  Well yesterday, BFF/MOH calls my FI again telling him I lie so much about this and that and I'm so secretive when she tells me everythings basically bashing me again only this time, FI calls me on 3 way so that I can hear her for myself.  I WAS LIVID!  There's so much that was said it's too much to post and I don't want to make this post any longer than it is already!

I can't even begin to think about her logic behind hating on me like this and my wedding is next month!  How dare her!  I'm so hurt by her actions and don't know how I should approach.  She calls me her sister but what family behaves in this manner.  Everyone that has watched us over the years have always said that she seemed jealous of me but Why?  That is crazy to me!  My mom and FI are begging me to wait until the day after the wedding to bring everything to her attention because it will throw off the whole wedding and things will look off if someone is missing from the wedding.  Also, because she is related to FI, they're afraid she may have influence over the other guests asking them not to come because FI was starting mess in their eyes.  In all honestly, what was he supposed to do?  Not tell me and he's been telling me for years she wasn't my friend.  I just didn't listen because she was around when he wasn't.

Sorry this post was so long, but could you ladies please give me advice regarding how to handle or what you would do if it were you?

TIA!

eagles347

I kind of in a way (if I squint my eyes and tilt my head) can see where your mom and FI are coming from, but honestly, I think you should do what you are comfortable with. I don't feel that you should wait until after the wedding. Dismiss her behind and keep it moving. Remain a lady and remain cordial, but be true to yourself. No one has to know from you why she isn't there...although if she is silly enough to run her mouth to your FI, she's silly enough to blab her twisted version to everyone. I don't know why she'd do such a thing in the first place, but it's childish and you shouldn't let it ruin this special time in your life. Be glad that your FI trusts you and stay focused on what really matters and who really matters.

M1ssJ

Oh Boy! First, I am sorry for all of this drama happenning to you and for the hurt your friend caused you. I see what your FI and mom are saying but I disagree. I think holding it in will cause YOU more hurt, disgust, etc. a month is a long time to keep something like that in and act like it's all good. I would CALMLY bring it to her and ask her to clarify this for you. If people choose not to come because of what she says then they weren't really there for you and FI anyways.

Good luck

p.s. I own a side business beatin' hoes down if you need it

chescam

I really don't know what is about weddings that make people act up. So sorry that you are going through this. I really don't think you should hold your feelings in especially since you know exactly what she has been saying about you. You want people supporting you on your wedding day, not bashing you. I would suggest sitting down with her and discussing the issue calmly. FI should also have your back and shut her down when she starts her mess. 

lsk40

Im wit chescam FI should have put her in her place and then told you later he should'nt have even listened to her and that 3 way stuff is a mess he should have told her he didn't want to hear it and put an end to it I would be kind of mad with him for not doing that but you guys have been friends since you were 9 sounds like you grew up and she didn't move on and kick her butt out you should not have to be upset on your wedding day and if FI family listens to her and they don't come well they can just kick rocks

sweetjess2011

I agree with everyone, I wouldn't hold off till after the wedding. How you gonna act like it's all good, when you know shes being fake and talking ish.. behind your back. I wouldn't have let it gone passed the phone conversation you heard on the phone. Good luck with this and I pray that all goes well. Kick her rump to the side and keep it moving!!

desi2002

Kick her to the curb. With friends like that, who needs enemies? That is negative energy and there is no room for it.

My mom always said, "one monkey dont stop no show." so your wedding will be great even without her. GL

prncsz

I would address it before, the last thing I would want is to stand at the altar with the man I am about to marry and know there is someone in my bridal party that is single handedly trying to destroy what we have. The main point of having a bridal party is having a group of people who are going to support you on your day not try to sabbatoge the whole thing before you even get to the altar. If people believe her side of the story let them eventually the truth will come out. You want people at your wedding and participating because they are truly there in support of your union.

sadou02

Im going against the majorty opinion.  I say just dont have her at the wedding.  MY Best friend dealt with a situation similar to this right before her wedding with her MOH.  She didnt feel comfortable having someone who would speak negatively againsther stand by her side as her witness.  I mean some of wondered why the MOH wasnt present but the day went on without her and everything was great.

I will say in the end only you know what you will do but for your sanity, nipping it in the bud right now is better then letting it sit and build up in you. I dont think I could have someone stand next to me on my big day who is just being a hypocrite on all levels.

PB-Bride2010

Your wedding day is about marrying the love of your life and having those you'll love and care about..... witness that. This so called MOH/friend should not be standing by your side if she's fake and going behind your back. She is jealous and that's no place to have someone at one of the important day of your life.

2010Bride2be

Confront her now and get it over with. Your fi should have put her in her place, but that's a different story. Who cares if the bridal party size is off?? This girl is obviously toxic and I'm not sure why you would allow her to stand up for you on your wedding day.

Carla1019

Uninvite her to the wedding and explain why. You don't know what she is capable of doing to sabotage your big day.

tcjames

I agree  with pp "to da curb she goes"!! I would so ask FI why he didn't put a stop to it.

bbrown185

I say dismiss her from her duties as MOH for now and uninvite from the wedding. After the wedding, put that skank in a headlock.

BlissPhilly

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_would-long-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:400Discussion:8730e00c-0037-41e4-8081-40a6b0f3eabaPost:e8029469-60b3-402f-bfed-ebbbc7ba262b">Re: What would you do? (Long)</a>:
[QUOTE]I would address it before, the last thing I would want is to stand at the altar with the man I am about to marry and know there is someone in my bridal party that is single handedly trying to destroy what we have. The main point of having a bridal party is having a group of people who are going to support you on your day not try to sabbatoge the whole thing before you even get to the altar. If people believe her side of the story let them eventually the truth will come out. You want people at your wedding and participating because they are truly there in support of your union.
Posted by prncsz[/QUOTE]

I TOTALLY Agree with THIS!

BlissPhilly

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_would-long-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:400Discussion:8730e00c-0037-41e4-8081-40a6b0f3eabaPost:e5988a34-fe3e-4e2d-99fd-dcdc269ef358">Re: What would you do? (Long)</a>:
[QUOTE]Confront her now and get it over with. <strong>Your fi should have put her in her place, but that's a different story. </strong>Who cares if the bridal party size is off?? This girl is obviously toxic and I'm not sure why you would allow her to stand up for you on your wedding day.
Posted by 2010Bride2be[/QUOTE]

This!

lil01

Agree with the ladies. She should NOT be standing beside you on your wedding day, or better yet, even be in attendance. This girl has been your BFF for years (or so you thought) & she has pretty much betrayed you. Waiting til after the wedding could be more anxiety & stress that you'll carry with you on your day. Just imagine, the MOH is the one that holds your bouquet & makes sure your dress, veil, etc, is straight during the ceremony. How would you feel if she is doing all of that during the ceremony? It would be phony honestly.....on both ends.

At the end of the day, the choice is up to you as to whether you dismiss her prior to the wedding or wait til after to confront her. As far as the family is concerned, if they don't show up cause she starts drama, they don't deserve to be there. Period. Good luck!  

busybruck

You need to dismiss her from her duties. The MOH is the one that signs as a witness on your marriage certificate and will be in all of your pictures. You don't want to have to see her and think about all that negativity every time you look back on your day. This should be your day and it should only be joyous; get rid of the drama before your wedding.

M1ssJ

Let us know how it goes

tjw2011

Hey ladies! Thank you all for your comments. I haven't had the chance to speak to her yet. I had to have a wisdom tooth removed yesterday & I've been in major pain, but I appreciate your words or support & I figured you all would be the best people to ask. FI & I went to counseling today & the pastors agree-she should know before the wedding. My bridal shower/bachelorette party are next week but I will let you ladies know what happens once I address her with the betrayal. You ladies are the best!

tjw2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_would-long-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:400Discussion:8730e00c-0037-41e4-8081-40a6b0f3eabaPost:cfaa2045-4e5e-4fbe-b6ac-e64132b27fd0">Re: What would you do? (Long)</a>:
[QUOTE]Oh Boy! First, I am sorry for all of this drama happenning to you and for the hurt your friend caused you. I see what your FI and mom are saying but I disagree. I think holding it in will cause YOU more hurt, disgust, etc. a month is a long time to keep something like that in and act like it's all good. I would CALMLY bring it to her and ask her to clarify this for you. If people choose not to come because of what she says then they weren't really there for you and FI anyways. Good luck p.s. I own a side business beatin' hoes down if you need it :)
Posted by M1ssJ[/QUOTE]

***M1ssJ***, your P.S. Made me lol!