How do you plan your wedding with a future mother in law that despies you?

Mrs.Polynice

So my fiance is from Haiti and his parents and I have issues. His parents wanted him to marry a haitian women not a African-American woman. We've been going out for 6 years this November and they still don't like me. We had a sit down with them over the issue before we got engaged and we all got into it. Years later me and his Dad are okay but me and his mom are not.
I want them to be apart of the wedding for my fiance but not for me if they can't respect me I don't want them there. But if I do that his little brother won't be able to attend. So I'm stuck.

cincy2011

You are stuck and not just for the wedding, but for a lifetime so I'd highly suggest figuring out ways to help yourself "get okay" with having a mediocre relationship with his mom and a decent relationship with his dad.  This is an extremely important issue and I saw it firsthand when my best friend (African-American) married a man from East Africa.  His family felt the same as your FI's family and there was even a threat of them not attending the wedding (although they did at the last minute).  

After the wedding the drama continued on and off - they found ways to make her feel like she wasn't good enough for him.  He was a unified force with her and they worked through it, but it was extremely rough.  However in the end, his parents really got into his head and her husband asked for a divorce.  They were married about 5 years and they're now divorced.  

In no way am I saying you're headed for divorce court (LOL).  I say all of that to say this is a situation that can blow up over time if it isn't dealt with from the beginning.  Knowing your FI is on your side now is great, but make sure to keep the lines of communication open between you and him and don't badmouth his parents if you can help it.  Really give it your all to try and get along with them even on a cordial level so it won't become a stress point between you and FI.  

Just my opinion, hope this advice helps!    

withinpeace

unfortunately, you are marrying him and his family...hopefully, you and his mom won't have to be at too many events together...at least you know what to expect and kind brace yourself.  good luck...i feel your pain..my fmil tolerates me to say the least...she is constantly making references to her daughter in law (i.e. my fiance's ex-wife)..i just ignore her and try to limit my time around her.

mahoganieyes

I don't get along to well with my fmil either.  Stay a united front and let no one come in between!

Mrs.Polynice

Thx all I definately will take any advice to deal with the situation.  My fiance has been stepping up and plans to talk to his mom one on one about the situation. Wish me luck ")

KMB611

I agree with the other respondents. When we marry our men, we'll be marrying their families as well. I've gotten along with my FMIL since day one b/c she just wants her son to be happy and she sees that he's happy with me. Even if she doesn't like you b/c you're not Haitian, she should still respect you and if she's disrespectful  towards you then she's also disrespectful towards her son b/c you're going to be his wife.

Rhoyal_1

I experienced serious drama with FMIL early in our engagement.  She stated the following about me: I stole a picture out of her house (a camera picture), I took her youngest son somewhere and returned to the house to bury things in the yard, I was not welcomed in her house and one of my favs, I wrote a letter to her job stating "bad" things about her.  She went so far, she told FI if he marries me she will not attend.  He told her she needs to accept me as he and I will be one.  FI also told her he would not step foot in her house without me, his future wife.  He also told her if she does not accept me, she would lose him.  End of the story is, the three of us discussed her accusations and, in the end, things are SO MUCH BETTER!

Rhoyal_1

OMG!  I forgot to say prayerfully a meeting with all parties will correct the issue.  As far as planning a wedding with FMIL, you don't.  You and FI plan the wedding and incorporate her as necessary..mother/son dance and having her escorted down the aisle.  HTH and GL!

classytasha

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_plan-wedding-future-mother-law-despies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:400Discussion:9ba5d73a-04bd-41ad-8ecb-b418d024701ePost:1319ee46-51f0-4646-8dab-789293a86e88">Re: How do you plan your wedding with a future mother in law that despies you?</a>:
[QUOTE]unfortunately, you are marrying him and his family...hopefully, you and his mom won't have to be at too many events together...at least you know what to expect and kind brace yourself.  good luck...i feel your pain..my fmil tolerates me to say the least...she is constantly making references to her daughter in law (i.e. my fiance's ex-wife)..i just ignore her and try to limit my time around her.
Posted by withinpeace[/QUOTE]

ugh..girl mine too! she is constantly saying and posting things on facebook about how she loves her daughter in law and they've been divorced for awhile now!...sorry i just so understand how much i hate that

cjbwifey2010

Hey just wanted to jump on here for a sec! I know this ALL to well!

I am Haitian (born in Canada but my parents are Haitian hence that is what i claim) and FI is Haitian (born in Haiti) as well. It's always something with them but in some twisted way...its out of fear/love. It's not right, but like many others, they just want the best for their son and probably feel like because of the fact that he isn't marrying a Haitian woman, he will be losing part of his identity and missing out on what they expect a wife to offer their husbands. No matter how hard you try to present yourself as the "i'm good for your son" person...it's just not going to work.

My advice to you is to really just have a united front with your FI, and also try and go the extra mile to grasp their attention on a personal level (i.e. thing you know they like, or events you have in common, etc). But dont FORCE it. It has to be natural, or at least they have to feel as if it is natural.

My mom didnt like Fi when she met him because 1st he had an earring in his ear, 2nd he wasn't going to school to be a lawyer, doctor, or engineer and she felt that I could do better. She gave it to me for like 2 years, but i  stood my ground and behind my man. I knew i made the best decision for me and that I wasn't going to let them live my life for me. Eventually, FI just came around more, spoke to her a little more, joked about cooking (he's a chef) and made some food for Thanksgiving. I think that got the ball rolling. 5 years later (now) she jokes with him, calls him, pinches his ears, hugs him, makes food for him, etc...everything I wished for.

Island folks are stubborn and very prideful. You can't force them to see it your way, they have to change their thinking on their own time. But what you CAN do is change your reaction to what they say, and also take the high road and "show" what you can do (naturally) instead of "say".

FI needs to let them know too, but it needs to be a convo he has once and then your united front needs to be something that is shown and not talked about repeatedly. I think it will help!

Sorry you're going through this...i pray that it gets better!

BlutifulScorpion

I was going to ask if you were Haitian when I saw your last name (Polynice)  My best friend is Haitian and so I've been exposed to the culture... A LOT! Plus I'm from Florida and grew up with Haitians (and Cubans, Jamaicans, Puerto Ricans, Dominicans, etc.) I tend to agree with cjb. Island people are very proud and when they hold on to their culture, they cling to it tightly! (Definitely not a bad thing. We could all learn from them.) On the flip side of being proud though is the person that doesn't know where to draw the line between being proud and celebrating the beauty of their heritage and simply looking down their noses at other people of other backgrounds. A LOT of African-Americans can be this way too. But when you think about it... A lot of us have developed these attitudes because of what history has taught us. People think that the culture becomes "diluted" when you mix. Now... I'm not saying that I agree with that!!! But I am saying that it probably has more to do with that than not liking YOU as a person.

My FI and I are both African American. We're both Southerners (He's from Georgia) and I honestly think his mother hates me. I'm not a fan of hers but I would never disrespect her and he appreciates it and loves me even more for it.

Continue to grow stronger in your love and respect with your soon-to-be husband. It will encourage him to do what God has directed us to do and that's cleave to YOU. I know you've been the better person up until now. Continue to do that. You will never change who she is. You will never change her mind. But you can always do the right thing and that's be the wife and friend he needs you to be. She has put him in an impossible situation and that will only push him closer to you and farther away from her.

 

Mrs.Polynice

*Update* Sadly things have gone down hill. His parents have gone way over board. My fiance had to work so I went with a friend to his sisters engagement party without him. When I got there his parents totally ignored me. To make it worse they gave his sister a surprise wedding without telling us so my fiance missed the wedding. They didn't even tell him! He was very hurt by this. During the party they never came to me and said hello at all. They looked at me with a mean look like why is she here. I held my pride and went up to them to say hello and they said hello but wouldn"t give me the time of day. They never introduced me to their daughters new family or their friends at the party. Everyone their thought I was their daughters friend.
I hope they come to our wedding for my fiances sake. I also went to their house to hang out with their daughter and they completely ignored me then as well.

I can no longer endure their blatant disrespect I decided to not be in contact with them at all. my fiance has stuck up for me and made it known to them that no matter what they say or feel he is still going to marry me.

I refuse to go over their house until they change or come into contact with them. I've been with their son for 6 years now and I've reached my threshold to hold my tongue -for now. Wish me luck all. I'll keep you updated. Any advice will be great Oh and my fiance is Haitian but I'm African-American.