A little too harsh?

Madisonpenny

So some of you may remember this post i wrote about my cousin and her bratty little kids and how she was going to have her father babysit them at my wedding, even though he is a guest as well and she wasn't going to ask him.  If you don't remember, here it is... http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_july-2012-weddings_there-goes-my-wedding

Well On June 14th I took the bull by the horns and wrote this msg to her on Facebook

"Tom and I have discussed it and we've decided that we are going to have an adult-only wedding. Our venue has absolutely nothing to entertain the children nor do they have anything to accommodate children during the reception. If this causes problems then were sorry but we feel this is best for everyone.. Please let me know if Darren and yourself will still be attending.
Sorry for the inconvenience.
-Andrea"

This was the reply i got yesterday which turn into an all day back and forth "conversation".  For her sake we'll call her M and I'll just uise my real name.

M- "Unfortunately we will not be able to attend. Perhaps had we known we would have arranged for a sitter, but instead made plans to attend Ottawa that weekend as a family.
Congratulations on your wedding, anyway"

Andrea- "I gave you over a month notice, but sorry to hear you won't be joining us."

M- "I'm sorry too... But when you have three young kids plans like that have to be made well in advance as you know we have planned a family trip around that weekend after checking and double checking that the children were welcome. I'm sorry that you changed your mind, we would have liked to have been there supporting you along with the rest of the H's"

Andrea- "M, you were the only ones bringing children to the wedding. I don't think it was very fair that you offered up your father to be a babysitter at my wedding without consulting with him first. I'm sure, although I know he adores them, he would enjoy having a night out with extended family without having to run after his grandchildren. Tom and I gave you 38 days notice, not mention of those 38 days, 26 still remain for you to find a caretaker for your 3 children. Whether you decided to leave them at home or bring your caretaker with you to Ottawa so you could still attend the wedding but also still have your family weekend as well was up to you. You decided, with 26 days remaining not to come, that in no way is my fault. I think it is in very poor taste to say that this is my fault when in fact this is just a sorry excuse of yours to blame me."

M- "Enjoy your wedding"

A- "Thanks"


So, Please tell me was I little to harsh or did she need a good "talking"  to?

sunshine9779

do you feel better?  --that's the real question.

I admire you for having the courage to actually say all that.  I am always going over it in my head or getting angry at myself for not speaking my mind.

Madisonpenny

Do I feel better... Hell yes.

MeaganR12

I think I know from being on this board with you for over a year that you appreciate honesty and don't need me to tell you what you want to hear. With that being said, I think you were fine until your last post. I remember the other thread and I definitely think your cousin is a piece of work, but you didn't necessarily have to say everything you said. If your uncle doesn't want to babysit then he could tell his daughter, he doesn't need you to stand up for him.

But, what's done is done and I don't think it's the end of the world or anything. You have every right to have a child free wedding and you did give them plenty of notice. 

mrsmoxie

I think you did what you needed to. I think "M" needed a reality check, and with that being said, You are my hero!

BeabullMom

I agree with Meagan.  It's a little harsh, but at least it's done.

Madisonpenny

I agree, I didn't need to stand up for my uncle but he's known as the push over in the family.  He does whatever anyone tells him to do, especially his daughters.

brandichamberlain

Honestly- you should have stopped after the first message.  She explained she wouldn't come and then you just drug it into an argument. It just seems immature.

Madisonpenny

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_july-2012-weddings_a-little-too-harsh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:066005ef-215f-48b1-8655-328b41e07c52Discussion:48677b36-ff32-42af-8138-51c6a762e087Post:26d5126a-6a3f-499d-a0d2-f8f8c8346a0f">Re: A little too harsh?</a>:
[QUOTE]Honestly- you should have stopped after the first message.  She explained she wouldn't come and then you just drug it into an argument. It just seems immature.
Posted by brandichamberlain[/QUOTE]

Sorry but when someone claims that they aren't attending because you didn't give them enough notice to find a babysitter ( such as in this case well over a month) and its your fault for it, I'm not about to let her get away with it.  I'd hate to see what they have to do for a date night.

Eliz77

I didn't re-read your original thread, but I do remember your cousin is a piece of work because she reminded me of one of my cousins I didn't invite to my wedding. I think in order to have avoided the entire confrontation, you would've had to have a "no children" policy from the get go. On one hand, 38 days SHOULD be ample time to make plans, but if she had already made plans for a family vacation thinking kids were welcome at the wedding, well, I'd be annoyed, too. I have no idea how difficult it would be to find a caretaker for the kids at home, but I'd imagine a family relative from the other side of the family could've been found to make the trip. 

Point being, sounds like cousin is on  the defense and was offended by your message while you are also on the defense because of the way she went about the whole thing. 

I think sometimes you have to be blunt and even offensive to get your wishes across. Sounds like this may have been one of those times.

brandichamberlain

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_july-2012-weddings_a-little-too-harsh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:066005ef-215f-48b1-8655-328b41e07c52Discussion:48677b36-ff32-42af-8138-51c6a762e087Post:22beeef5-e6a2-4902-b357-08f5930f22e6">Re: A little too harsh?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: A little too harsh? : Sorry but when someone claims that they aren't attending because you didn't give them enough notice to find a babysitter ( such as in this case well over a month) and its your fault for it,<strong> I'm not about to let her get away with it.</strong>  I'd hate to see what they have to do for a date night.
Posted by Madisonpenny[/QUOTE]

<div>I just don't see what she is "getting away with".  No one will be as excited for your wedding as you are.  Sometimes it's better to be the bigger person.</div>

Madisonpenny

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_july-2012-weddings_a-little-too-harsh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:066005ef-215f-48b1-8655-328b41e07c52Discussion:48677b36-ff32-42af-8138-51c6a762e087Post:360c6963-aa04-445f-a2ba-a8ba42cf1b4f">Re: A little too harsh?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: A little too harsh? : I just don't see what she is "getting away with". <strong> No one will be as excited for your wedding as you are</strong>.  Sometimes it's better to be the bigger person.
Posted by brandichamberlain[/QUOTE]

trust me I know.  In fact I NEVER talk about my wedding with anyone, unless I'm asked about it and even then I only give minor details. 
As far as what she's getting away with... she treats people like trash and takes advantage of people every time she can .  She shrugs her kids off onto eveyone else and she loves to play the victim.


As far as having people she could have asked to watch her children 1 night, she has her mother (who divorced my uncle years ago), as well as her sister who wasn't attending and his parents. 

brandichamberlain

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_july-2012-weddings_a-little-too-harsh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:066005ef-215f-48b1-8655-328b41e07c52Discussion:48677b36-ff32-42af-8138-51c6a762e087Post:3d403d84-ec0b-4239-b3df-5388790f3092">Re: A little too harsh?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: A little too harsh? : trust me I know.  In fact I NEVER talk about my wedding with anyone, unless I'm asked about it and even then I only give minor details.  As far as what she's getting away with... she treats people like trash and takes advantage of people every time she can .  She shrugs her kids off onto eveyone else and she loves to play the victim. As far as having people she could have asked to watch her children 1 night, <strong>she has her mother (who divorced my uncle years ago), as well as her sister who wasn't attending and his parents.</strong> 
Posted by Madisonpenny[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>You seem like you're being defensive, and I'm just giving you my opinion on the question you asked.  As for the bolded- it's interesting you just make assumptions that these people can and will babysit.  You don't seem to like her so I don't know why it bothers you that she won't be coming at all. </div><div>
</div><div>Regardless- your question was "a little too harsh?". My answer- "Not too harsh, per se, but your response was immature."</div>

Madisonpenny

I really don't see how my response was immature... she claimed she didn't have enough time and I stated I gave her over a months notice to find someone.

As for your bolded section in your previous post? when did I ever say that these people could and would babysit? I said she could ask.

As far as being defensive? of course I'm defensive. When someone points things out about you, don't you defend yourself?

LADY324

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_july-2012-weddings_a-little-too-harsh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:066005ef-215f-48b1-8655-328b41e07c52Discussion:48677b36-ff32-42af-8138-51c6a762e087Post:cd29f213-7229-4cd0-a7dc-5fe21b37fb2d">Re: A little too harsh?</a>:
[QUOTE]I think I know from being on this board with you for over a year that you appreciate honesty and don't need me to tell you what you want to hear. With that being said, I think you were fine until your last post. I remember the other thread and I definitely think your cousin is a piece of work, but you didn't necessarily have to say everything you said. If your uncle doesn't want to babysit then he could tell his daughter, he doesn't need you to stand up for him. But, what's done is done and I don't think it's the end of the world or anything. You have every right to have a child free wedding and you did give them plenty of notice. 
Posted by MeaganR12[/QUOTE]



I agree with meagan I think you dragged this one out a little too far but it's true what is done is done. I bet it felt great to let it out though !

brandichamberlain

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_july-2012-weddings_a-little-too-harsh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:066005ef-215f-48b1-8655-328b41e07c52Discussion:48677b36-ff32-42af-8138-51c6a762e087Post:2a4b44e5-abb3-4914-971e-50294500e9e3">Re: A little too harsh?</a>:
[QUOTE]I really don't see how my response was immature... she claimed she didn't have enough time and I stated I gave her over a months notice to find someone. As for your bolded section in your previous post? <strong>when did I ever say that these people could and would babysit? I said she could ask</strong>. As far as being defensive? of course I'm defensive. When someone points things out about you, don't you defend yourself?
Posted by Madisonpenny[/QUOTE]

<div>Why would she ask if they couldn't?</div><div>
</div><div>For the record, if I ask a specific question and am given feedback, when someone's not validating my feelings, I wouldn't be defensive - they're doing what I asked them to do. </div>

Madisonpenny

how would she know if she didn't ask?

brandichamberlain

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_july-2012-weddings_a-little-too-harsh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:066005ef-215f-48b1-8655-328b41e07c52Discussion:48677b36-ff32-42af-8138-51c6a762e087Post:4135f282-57e8-40b9-bffc-9e17a930f00b">Re: A little too harsh?</a>:
[QUOTE]how would she know if she didn't ask?
Posted by Madisonpenny[/QUOTE]

<div>You are missing the point of my post <strong>significantly</strong>.</div><div>
</div><div>
</div>

Madisonpenny

believe me I'm not.. I'm just curious as to that part the post..

brandichamberlain

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_july-2012-weddings_a-little-too-harsh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:066005ef-215f-48b1-8655-328b41e07c52Discussion:48677b36-ff32-42af-8138-51c6a762e087Post:90d07ff4-9e07-42db-990b-db5b22fc06de">Re: A little too harsh?</a>:
[QUOTE]believe me I'm not.. I'm just curious as to that part the post..
Posted by Madisonpenny[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>So you say she pawns her children off all the time and then you want her to ask everyone who isn't coming to your wedding to watch her children so she can travel there? <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-undecided.gif" border="0" alt="Undecided" title="Undecided" /> </div><div>
</div><div>
</div><div>Frankly, you sound like you're being entitled about the entire situation.  I know a lot of the girls on this board just want to be supportive of each other, and while that's great, I feel like some bad advice is given sometimes.  You kept picking at her and making comments until you got to have the last word- much like you're doing now with me.  You don't like that my opinion of you is that you're immature, but you sure aren't proving otherwise. </div><div>
</div><div>You don't like it? Let it go.  (Remember that be the bigger person thing?  I'm going to show you how that works and stop talking to you.) </div><div>
</div>

FinalyFound

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_july-2012-weddings_a-little-too-harsh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:066005ef-215f-48b1-8655-328b41e07c52Discussion:48677b36-ff32-42af-8138-51c6a762e087Post:c296bc73-7665-44ec-9732-c71222a5259e">Re: A little too harsh?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: A little too harsh? : So you say she pawns her children off all the time and then you want her to ask everyone who isn't coming to your wedding to watch her children so she can travel there?    Frankly, you sound like you're being entitled about the entire situation.  I know a lot of the girls on this board just want to be supportive of each other, and while that's great, I feel like some bad advice is given sometimes.  <strong>You kept picking at her and making comments until you got to have the last word- much like you're doing now with me.</strong>  You don't like that my opinion of you is that you're immature, but you sure aren't proving otherwise.  You don't like it? Let it go.  (Remember that be the bigger person thing?  I'm going to show you how that works and stop talking to you.) 
Posted by brandichamberlain[/QUOTE]

Don't agree with this at all.  You made comments about her and she was simply replying and answering questions that you or other PPs asked.

As far as do I think you were too harsh? I read your previous thread and remember her.  She's a piece of work and if she's anything like FI's family member she needed that.

littlemoments324

What's done is done   However, I would have also left it at the day thing...not bringing your uncle into the conversation...other than that it was fine.

Melissa.hylton

OK for 1 coming from a mother with 2 children IT IS NOT HARD TO FIND A FLIPPING SITTER IN 1 MONTH! She is using her children as a crutch. LAZY! 

I dont see you being immature at all. Sometimes people dont understand what its like to be family with OTHERS family. You know how she is, you know how she acts. Dont feel bad at all for what you said. Honesty is what was needed and you gave it to her. Who cares if you "drug it out" because if you didnt do it now, you would be doing it soon or after the wedding. At least at this point she knows whats up. 

ILoveToRobot

So... I didn't read through this entire post so please excuse me if I missed something.

I think you're a pretty sound person but I kind of think that you did go beyond what was probably proper/right. I didn't read your original post but from this post only what I've gathered is that you invited people and then decided that you would have no children.

Now, having no children is perfectly acceptable the issue I take is that you seemed to change your mind. Which in a sense is OK as well. However, the way you continued the conversation I feel like you only perpetuated the situation. She said that she wasn't going to be able to come after you said her children couldn't come and then it was almost like you went on to "attack" her for her decision. (even though that probably wasn't your intention at all.)

I don't want to make you think that I'm trying to attack you in any way about this but I think you need to take a step back and think about how you might feel in her shoes.

BmoreBride311

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_july-2012-weddings_a-little-too-harsh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:066005ef-215f-48b1-8655-328b41e07c52Discussion:48677b36-ff32-42af-8138-51c6a762e087Post:3daa2a55-c6c5-4b82-ba44-d8e8b8f3c0d0">Re: A little too harsh?</a>:
[QUOTE]OK for 1 coming from a mother with 2 children <strong>IT IS NOT HARD TO FIND A FLIPPING SITTER IN 1 MONTH!</strong> She is using her children as a crutch. LAZY!  I dont see you being immature at all. Sometimes people dont understand what its like to be family with OTHERS family. You know how she is, you know how she acts. Dont feel bad at all for what you said. Honesty is what was needed and you gave it to her. Who cares if you "drug it out" because if you didnt do it now, you would be doing it soon or after the wedding. At least at this point she knows whats up. 
Posted by Melissa.hylton[/QUOTE]

That was exactly my thoughts! You can find a sitter five hours before the wedding if you really needed to. "M" is being petty about it, and trying to make you feel guilty, when as far as I understand, you never even invited her children in the first place.

Madisonpenny

About the whole children thing.  She put me on the spot about inviting her kids.  We said yes and then the NEXT day informed her with having a child free wedding.  When she says she checked about the kid thing and then double checked what she meant was asking me and then she asked my father that same day.  When my dad brought this up that night on the phone he told me about his conversation with her and told me he said "I guess so, I really don't know you'd have to ask Andrea".. I guess she only heard the 1st part. 
We knew that ALL our other guests weren't bringing their kids.  They never asked if they could but told us themselves that they weren't bringing them anyway. So it was never something that we had to discuss with our guests.  We would of had children at the wedding but like I mentioned in previous posts she was the only one bringing her kids.
If you read the other thread you'd get a sense of her parenting and the conduct of her children.
I also thought that finding a sitter with over a months notice was ample time.
As far as attacking her in the last section of the conversation, no I wasn't intentionally attacking her but i was setting the situation straight.  I would never hear the end of it otherwise. 

kmdeck26

To be honest... I liked what you said. I think that you said the appropriate amount to get your point across.

rachael7183

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_july-2012-weddings_a-little-too-harsh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:066005ef-215f-48b1-8655-328b41e07c52Discussion:48677b36-ff32-42af-8138-51c6a762e087Post:185d16a8-0c27-41f2-8271-d27dae3a6a44">Re: A little too harsh?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: A little too harsh? : That was exactly my thoughts! You can find a sitter five hours before the wedding if you really needed to. "M" is being petty about it, and trying to make you feel guilty, when as far as I understand, you never even invited her children in the first place.
Posted by BmoreBride311[/QUOTE]

Yes but she did say that they planned a "Family trip" around this...so (not being a mother but being an Aunt to many neices/nephews), I wouldnt just leave my children with just anyone if I was coming from a different state and the rest of the family was going to be at this wedding...right or wrong? Or maybe I completely read all these posts wrong?

KatieK501

I remember reading your first post, so I know how much this situation worried you.  I personally think last messages were a little harsh, but way to go on standing up for something you wanted.

My only question is was the invitation addressed to Mr. and Mrs. M and family?  Or did it include the children's names?  If so, I think you should not have univited them.  Just because no one else decided to bring their kids doesn't mean that the family who wants to bring their children should not be able to when they were invited.

If the kids weren't included on the invitation anyway, and she only asked to bring them, it's a little bit of a faux pas that you said yes then no (and it's a faux pas to ask to bring extra guests to the wedding), but 26 days is plently of time to find a sitter.  Just enjoy your wedding without them!

[Deleted User]

I think what's done is done and you should just move on.  If she tries to get into it with you again, just say you're sorry she can't be there and leave it at that.

BeachLover2885

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_july-2012-weddings_a-little-too-harsh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:066005ef-215f-48b1-8655-328b41e07c52Discussion:48677b36-ff32-42af-8138-51c6a762e087Post:c296bc73-7665-44ec-9732-c71222a5259e">Re: A little too harsh?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: A little too harsh? : So you say she pawns her children off all the time and then you want her to ask everyone who isn't coming to your wedding to watch her children so she can travel there?    Frankly, you sound like you're being entitled about the entire situation. <strong> I know a lot of the girls on this board just want to be supportive of each other, and while that's great, I feel like some bad advice is given sometimes.  </strong>You kept picking at her and making comments until you got to have the last word- much like you're doing now with me.  You don't like that my opinion of you is that you're immature, but you sure aren't proving otherwise.  You don't like it? Let it go.  (Remember that be the bigger person thing?  I'm going to show you how that works and stop talking to you.) 
Posted by brandichamberlain[/QUOTE]

<div>I disagree with the bolded part. I think people on this board are both honest and supportive. I don't recall bad advice being given to anyone. Plenty of people on this thread alone were honest with MadisonPenny and told her what they thought. While other boards are honest with posters, some girls can be unnecessarily catty and sarcastic. I have seen posts where the OP is literally attacked for mentioning something that goes against the norm on the TK. </div><div>
</div><div>As for the original post here, I agree with PP that it probably would have been better not to mention your uncle's name, but what's done is done. I also admire you for holding your ground and I completely agree that you gave them more than enough time to find a sitter. That isn't your problem, it's hers! </div>