African American Weddings
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Question About Having 2 Ceremonies

     I cannot remember if there was already a post made on this board or not about this but I had a question about having double ceremonies, and what I mean by double ceremonies is: You're planning for your "official" or "formal" wedding, yet in the midst of your planning, you take yourselves down to the courthouse or some small chapel and get married in secret. So for the next 5-6 months (or however much time is between your eloping and your actual wedding) y'all are married, husband and wife but you're still planning for your big wedding. (hope this makes sense)

Now, my questions are:
1) Would you marry your FI before the wedding? Why or why not.
2) Do you think if you were to marry your FI before the "official" ceremony that it would change the way you felt on your official wedding day (meaning not being as excited, giddy, etc)
and lastly..
3) Would you tell anyone? Should you tell anyone? Do your guests, parents, (whomever), deserve (need) to know?

Re: Question About Having 2 Ceremonies

  • Options
    edited December 2011
    1.  I personally wouldn't get married before my scheduled wedding day because honestly I don't see the point.  Maybe I would make an exception if one of us were on our death bed and wanted to get married before the wedding because we didn't think that that person would make it to the actual day, but that's pretty dramatic and highly unlikely.  We're excited to get married but that excitement won't lead us to getting married early.

    2.  I do think that getting married early would take something away from the actual day, but that's just me.  I think I would be excited about wearing my dress and having the whole pomp and circumstance, but the thing that I'm looking forward to the most on my wedding day is to be able to finally call my FI my husband for the first time.  If I would've gotten married earlier than scheduled, the fact that he's already my husband would take away some of my excitement.

    3.  I guess to answer this question it would depend on why we got married early.  I don't think anyone necessarily needs to know, but knowing me I wouldn't be able to keep something like that from my close friends and family.  I would only tell people who I know can actually keep a secret and I'd only tell a handful of people.  The guests certainly wouldn't have to know because some of them would probably say what's the point in even coming to the wedding if you're already married. 

    These are all my personal opinions and if this is something that you're thinking about doing, that's soley between you and your FI and I hold no judgement against you.  Is this a hypothetical question or something you're really thinking about doing?
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    tyboydtyboyd member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    1. I would to make things official. Where ever you sign the marriage license, is the "official" marriage. Then the big shabang would be a vow renewal and celebration. Nothing wrong with that {on the AA board, but don't take this question away from this board! lol.}

    2. I don't think it would change. You're just renewing your vows.

    3. I would let people know, especially if it's months in advance. Not telling them, I think, is deceitful. It can even be stated on the invite that it's a vow renewal.

    Just remember, the JP or whatever is the "official" wedding. The 2nd ceremony is merely a vow renewal. You don't have 2 weddings.
  • Options
    edited December 2011
    1) Would you marry your FI before the wedding?
    As it is with us now, I would say no to marrying my FI before the wedding. I can think of some circumstances that might make me have a different answer though.

    2) Do you think if you were to marry your FI before the "official" ceremony that it would change the way you felt on your official wedding day
    I do believe that the level of anticipation would not be as great. I can honestly say that the wedding production is second to becoming husband and wife for me so if we are already husband and wife, I would just be going through the motions. Then again, I feel like the formalities are more for my FI and our families and guests than for me so I am biased.

    3) Would you tell anyone? Should you tell anyone? Do your guests, parents, (whomever), deserve (need) to know?
    I would under no circumstances keep the marriage a secret. Maybe no one "needs" to know, but if they are important enough for us to invite them and they think enough of us to come and potentially bring a gift, I believe that they deserve to know and I would feel bad about not being honest with them.

    I have been a guest for such a wedding and while I knew the real, not everyone did. I had no opinion about it at the time and I still don't judge, but I have taken a stance on this topic. Hope it doesn't offend anyone.
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    7venAfricano7venAfricano member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    lol @ tyboyd- I ALREADY KNOW, not to be fool enough to ask ANY questions (Unless DIY related) off this board. I made that mistake when I first joined the knot and the experience ALMOST made me cancel my account. I'll stay right here where it is safe. Where, even if somebody doesn't agree with you, they do it respectfully, with tact and with love.

    so thanks for the replies ladies, it was just something I was thinking about lately. I've pretty much felt the same way as all of you but I started to bend to my mother's idea that we should do it sooner but still have the, POLITICALLY CORRECT TERM (lol) ,"Vow Renewal" on our regular date. One, I didn't dig this idea because I already knew that the small ceremony is the real ceremony. Courthouse wedding? No. I could've MAYBE dug the small chapel idea but I feel like we would be cheating our families and friends out of the joy of celebrating our union which, to say the last, has been a long time coming, actually gave up hope and didn't think we'd ever get to this point, (but a post for another day lol).

    Also, I felt like I'd be cheating my father out of walking me down the aisle, which is a big deal. My dad isn't my biological father. He's raised me since I was 6months though so he might as well be, and just to add, he's white Laughing. Ever since I was a little girl, he only had one request, that even IF I were to find my biological father, that HE be the one to walk me down the aisle, and us practically eloping would've ruined that. Also, I felt that I'd be cheating on my grandfather's birthday if I got married on a diferent day- my FI doesn't mind us doing so but at the same time, he has the same feelings as I about marrying early. So thanks, you all have pretty much made me feel better about us NOT getting married sooner.

    I can just use the theme idea for our mini wedding for our save the dates Wink
  • Options
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_question-having-2-ceremonies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:400Discussion:a9bd3f52-4c08-4d73-8224-5295ffa26919Post:4f9e6cc2-f41f-4420-96b6-26edab5105e1">Re: Question About Having 2 Ceremonies</a>:
    [QUOTE]lol @ tyboyd- I ALREADY KNOW, not to be fool enough to ask ANY questions (Unless DIY related) off this board. I made that mistake when I first joined the knot and the experience ALMOST made me cancel my account. I'll stay right here where it is safe. Where, even if somebody doesn't agree with you, they do it respectfully, with tact and with love.
    Posted by 7venAfricano[/QUOTE]

    That's so funny because I was thinking about what would happen if you posted this on the etiquette board.  Those evil girls would eat you for breakfast!  I think some of them just can't wait for someone to post something that they don't agree with so they can be rude and condescending.  It's as if they don't realize that you can disagree with someone without being a bitch.
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    chavanolachavanola member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    1) Would you marry your FI before the wedding? Why or why not. Just to enter a different opinion--because my fiance and I are probably getting "officially" married a couple days before the ceremony.  Our officiant doesn't do civil marriages, he will only do the religious one so we'll probably have to go to the courthouse a couple of days before and do it legally.
    2) Do you think if you were to marry your FI before the "official" ceremony that it would change the way you felt on your official wedding day (meaning not being as excited, giddy, etc)  Nope, for me the religious ceremony is more important.  Plus I won't feel really married until we do it in front of our friends and family.
    and lastly..
    3) Would you tell anyone? Should you tell anyone? Do your guests, parents, (whomever), deserve (need) to know? I wouldn't tell most people.  Maybe a couple of really close friends and my sister, but that's about it.  The real day in my head is our wedding.
  • Options
    7venAfricano7venAfricano member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    thanks for your response chavanola. Your perspective had been mine a couple of days before I posted this, so I was conflicted and went back and forth between getting married early and waiting. In the end, waiting seems to be what papi and I are going to do, however, he suggested a January date so it isn't completely off the table, however, now that his side is starting to take interest I may just suck it up and wait, since by the time january rolls around we'll have 5 months to go.
  • Options
    edited December 2011
    1) Would you marry your FI before the wedding? Why or why not.
    Unless there was an unforseeable circumstance (like death or needing a life saving surger or something), then no. Our wedding day is the day we chose. If I marry him prior to, that is our wedding day. Not the day we chose. You don't get 2.

    2) Do you think if you were to marry your FI before the "official" ceremony that it would change the way you felt on your official wedding day?
    Yes. B/c the later date would not be our wedding day. Its a vow renewal or a reception to celebrate the fact that we got married how many days/weeks/months ago.

    3) Would you tell anyone? Should you tell anyone? Do your guests, parents, (whomever), deserve (need) to know?
    Yes. Everyone should know. I would not lead guests to believe that they were coming to witness our wedding when it in fact has already taken place.
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