instead of doing a bridal registry

mikimoto6

I am not opposed to people choosing to give a couple cash or gift cards as a wedding gift.  However, I do take issue with people specifying that cash be given, regardless of the method (in the invite, registry, money tree, wishing well, honeymoon registry, escrow account, gift cards, etc.) Wedding gifts are a personal choice. I think people take registries too seriously too. If someone chooses to buy a gift that is not on the registry, that is their perrogative. People can give you whatever they choose.  We as brides should be more gracious about the gifts that people choose to give us.  

2010Bride2be

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_instead-of-doing-bridal-registry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:400Discussion:aa98ddfa-2131-4961-88a4-3d602d90750dPost:658c929f-0ae0-4dd9-bdf9-d79f0c76bf89">Re: instead of doing a bridal registry</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: instead of doing a bridal registry : Perhaps they aren't having a big wedding, maybe it's just in a church basement. Maybe they aren't spending anything on it but they are still getting married. The idea of people not having everything they need to start a home before they get married is not that far fetched. Just because it's not the typical doesn't mean it's not reality for some people.  My grandparents came to this country as immigrants and they worked hard and got married. They didn't have pots pans or a bed. But they loved each other and wanted to take that love to the next level. They didn't really do registries back then but their families came together and bought them things for their home. By your standards, they shouldn't have gotten married because they couldn't afford a bed and were lacking priorities. Which is patently false.  Putting a comforter set on a registry is a world of difference from putting a $6,000 cruise on a registry.
Posted by Ghoughpteighbteau[/QUOTE]

If you are going to continue to quote my 'standards', please do so properly.

Ghoughpteighbteau

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_instead-of-doing-bridal-registry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:400Discussion:aa98ddfa-2131-4961-88a4-3d602d90750dPost:c4eb8462-bbae-4644-b6ed-d8a3f8ec38d2">Re: instead of doing a bridal registry</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: instead of doing a bridal registry : If you are going to continue to quote my 'standards', please do so properly.
Posted by 2010Bride2be[/QUOTE]

I did.

[Deleted User]

I'm absolutely shocked by some of the language used in this thread. It's disgusting and ill-mannered. Personally, I'm not registering anywhere. I think the entire concept is rude.  I see no difference in registering for household items versus a honeymoon. Both options entail asking for specific items and I'm uncomfortable with it. Im my opinion if two people can't afford basic cookware or dishes, then they can't afford to marry. Marriage is for adults and part of adulthood is providing for oneself. Im more disturbed by the idea of two people spending money to serve cake and punch in a church basement, when they don't have the utensils to cook food at home. I think honeymoon registries are silly because they are unneccessary. Most people will give cash or gift cards anyway.  However, they are no more "rude" than traditional registries. Since traditional registries are accepted, then I don't see any reason why the idea of a honeymoon registry excites such vitrol from certain posters.

Ghoughpteighbteau

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_instead-of-doing-bridal-registry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:400Discussion:aa98ddfa-2131-4961-88a4-3d602d90750dPost:fdcd463d-da35-4f7e-a11e-6c198d07859b">Re: instead of doing a bridal registry</a>:
[QUOTE]Im my opinion if two people can't afford basic cookware or dishes, then they can't afford to marry. Marriage is for adults and part of adulthood is providing for oneself. Im more disturbed by the idea of two people spending money to serve cake and punch in a church basement, when they don't have the utensils to cook food at home. Posted by winniethepiglet[/QUOTE]

Right by these standards then homeless people, vets, indigents, people living in 3rd world countries shouldn't get married because they can't afford basic cookware and dishes. Like I said, that's ridiculous. Andplusalso most people in this thread are saying "live and let live" but are trying to impose the idea that certain people shouldn't get married because of what they can and cannot afford. That's hypocritical. Of course people CAN have a honeymoon registry, it's still rude.  

[Deleted User]

In most cultures, there are certain financial standards that one must meet in order to marry. It makes good sense. Marriage is an expensive undertaking, just like having children. It's best to make sure one is in a good place financially before taking on such an endeavor, in my opinion. However, from perusing these boards, it's obvious that many posters do not agree with me. That's their right to do so and unlike others, I don't post nasty, hateful comments because they have a difference of opinion. It's perfectly okay to disagree, but it's never okay to behave in an ugly, vicious manner, especially when unprovoked.  That's just not called for and it's not the way that we do things on this board. I understand that you mainly post in Snarky Brides and the Etiquette boards. From my inspection of those boards, rude behavior towards other posters is not only the norm, it's expected.  This board is different. We respectfully state our opinions and we disagree without being disagreeable. Refering to someone's honeymoon as a "drunken sex vacation" is considered to be the epitome of crass behavior over here, but on other Knot boards, posters would probably consider it clever. On this board, we mind our manners.  Welcome! 

Ghoughpteighbteau

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_instead-of-doing-bridal-registry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:400Discussion:aa98ddfa-2131-4961-88a4-3d602d90750dPost:8569d07d-44c0-4820-9684-e834c1c18892">Re: instead of doing a bridal registry</a>:
[QUOTE]In most cultures, there are certain financial standards that one must meet in order to marry. It makes good sense. Marriage is an expensive undertaking, just like having children. It's best to make sure one is in a good place financially before taking on such an endeavor, in my opinion. However, from perusing these boards, it's obvious that many posters do not agree with me. That's their right to do so and unlike others, I don't post nasty, hateful comments because they have a difference of opinion. It's perfectly okay to disagree, but it's never okay to behave in an ugly, vicious manner, especially when unprovoked.  That's just not called for and it's not the way that we do things on this board. I understand that you mainly post in Snarky Brides and the Etiquette boards. From my inspection of those boards, rude behavior towards other posters is not only the norm, it's expected.  This board is different. We respectfully state our opinions and we disagree without being disagreeable. Refering to someone's honeymoon as a "drunken sex vacation" is considered to be the epitome of crass behavior over here, but on other Knot boards, posters would probably consider it clever. On this board, we mind our manners.  Welcome! 
Posted by winniethepiglet[/QUOTE]

And in many cultures - tribes in Africa, native Americans, and so on - you don't need to meet financial standards to marry. So again, I believe the estimation that someone must afford cookware prior to marrying is an invalid way to determine if they are "ready" or "old enough" to marry. 

And although well intentioned as it may be, most people don't take kindly to being told how to post on the internet.  This is an international public forum and the world is full of all types of people. You're not going to like what everyone has to say or the way in which they say it. Those are the breaks. I don't try to be crass, hateful, or clever on purpose, I just speak my mind. I don't feel like I need to filter myself for people I don't know. I'm not here seeking respect or validation, I'm just another person posting on the knot. If you feel like my posts are vicious or ugly, I encourage you to scroll past them or block me completely.

[Deleted User]

Potato,

Since, as you've pointed out, this is an international message board and you feel free to post whatever you wish, keep in mind that I also have the freedom to excercise my right to comment and express my opinions on what you've written. So if it bothers you to read comments that call you out for percevied bad behavior, then please by all means, ignore posts from me. Again welcome to the board!

PS. In all of those cultures you named there most certainly are financial obligations that one must achieve in order to marry. If you are interested, I can refer you to some rather fascinating anthropological resources.

Ghoughpteighbteau

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_instead-of-doing-bridal-registry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:400Discussion:aa98ddfa-2131-4961-88a4-3d602d90750dPost:17e270a8-fc09-4397-b180-c1c45a7e6c9a">Re: instead of doing a bridal registry</a>:
[QUOTE]Potato, Since, as you've pointed out, this is an international message board and you feel free to post whatever you wish, keep in mind that I also have the freedom to excercise my right to comment and express my opinions on what you've written. So if it bothers you to read comments that call you out for percevied bad behavior, then please by all means, ignore posts from me. Again welcome to the board! PS. In all of those cultures you named there most certainly are financial obligations that one must achieve in order to marry. If you are interested, I can refer you to some rather fascinating anthropological resources.
Posted by winniethepiglet[/QUOTE]

Exactly, you have the right to post whatever as well. But I was offering a solution since you seemed offended by my posts and/or language and felt the need to advise me on how it works on this board.

If you're serious, I would like some of your resources. I have family from all over Africa, as well as Native American family and family from south America that have never mentioned any type of financial preparedness to marry in their respective cultures/tribes.  I believe trousseaus are only required in certain sects so that wouldn't be applicable to all.

[Deleted User]

Lol, bless your heart! 

For scholarly references, try the Journal of Population Economics, Journal of the Royal Anthropological Institute, Human Nature, and Marriage and Family Review to start. All of them routinely publish articles about different marriage rites in a variety of cultures, especially bride price expectations around the world. Happy learning!

ebonyivory10

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_instead-of-doing-bridal-registry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:400Discussion:aa98ddfa-2131-4961-88a4-3d602d90750dPost:8569d07d-44c0-4820-9684-e834c1c18892">Re: instead of doing a bridal registry</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>In most cultures, there are certain financial standards that one must meet in order to marry. It makes good sense. Marriage is an expensive undertaking, just like having children. It's best to make sure one is in a good place financially before taking on such an endeavor, in my opinion.</strong>
Posted by winniethepiglet[/QUOTE]

Heaven help me ..... I'm butting in here and not trying to be flip but I am actually interested in a civilized discussion about this.  In the cultures that you speak of are these financial obligations a requirement or a suggestion? I've read about different cultures requiring dowries and gifts of food and goods before marrying. But nothing to say you need to have x amount of money or sets of cutlery or you can't get married. You mentioned above that all of the cultures potato (I'm not typing out that whole name LOL) mentioned have financial standards. Do you have any specific examples that you'd be willing to share here or by PM? I hate to agree with potato, but I'm onboard the train that not everyone is going to be 100% ready for marriage including home goods. And I don't think it would necessarily make them less capable of being a functioning, successful union.  America doesn't require couples to meet financial obligations prior to getting married, but it's advisible (and I would even say expected) to do so. I'm wondering if these other cultures are the same, where it's strongly suggested but not a deal breaker?

*edited for spelling

chescam

I'm not taking sides on one's right to register or not to register but some African countries do require some sort of financial stability for marriage. One of my friends is going through this same issue right now. She and her FI are both African but from different countires and tribes. Her family does not want her marry because her FI does not have enough money to contribute to the village. Village members claim that he's taking away a valued member of society and has to compensate them somehow for her leaving. It gets really complicated but financial obligations have to be met or else she runs the risk of being disowned by her family. 

Ghoughpteighbteau

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_instead-of-doing-bridal-registry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:400Discussion:aa98ddfa-2131-4961-88a4-3d602d90750dPost:bae3ee9e-d561-4061-a05b-394419cc3664">Re: instead of doing a bridal registry</a>:
[QUOTE]Lol, bless your heart! 
Posted by winniethepiglet[/QUOTE]

Same to you winniethepiglet, same to you.

[Deleted User]

@EbonyIvory10: I sent you a pm.

Ghoughpteighbteau

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_instead-of-doing-bridal-registry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:400Discussion:aa98ddfa-2131-4961-88a4-3d602d90750dPost:882959bb-2783-41fd-b20c-4e4e50094ca2">Re: instead of doing a bridal registry</a>:
[QUOTE] <strong>x amount of money or sets of cutlery or you can't get married</strong>.
Posted by ebonyivory10[/QUOTE]

This. Is it a quantifiable measurement? If A then B? Or is it vague such as you must be able to support a family but no definition of what support means?

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_instead-of-doing-bridal-registry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:400Discussion:aa98ddfa-2131-4961-88a4-3d602d90750dPost:8abd67a1-e672-4790-943a-0cd8f3886e08">Re: instead of doing a bridal registry</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm not taking sides on one's right to register or not to register but some African countries do require some sort of financial stability for marriage. One of my friends is going through this same issue right now. She and her FI are both African but from different countires and tribes. Her family does not want her marry because her FI does not have enough money to contribute to the village. Village members claim that he's taking away a valued member of society and has to compensate them somehow for her leaving. <strong>It gets really complicated but financial obligations have to be met or else she runs the risk of being disowned by her family. </strong>
Posted by chescam[/QUOTE]

So it's not that she <strong>CAN'T</strong> get married if the groom doesn't contribute it will just be frowned upon and she could be disowned.

I will have to check into some of the resources winnie posted and am fully willing to admit that I was wrong if that's the case. But again, I don't think the financial requirements are for ALL African and Native cultures/tribes and so forth. Andplusalso I agree that people <em>should</em> be stable with money before getting married but I don't think it's fair to say that they shouldn't get married because they don't have pots and pans. Good example: a lot of people would say you shouldn't get married with debt. My uncle went to med school and had $150k of student loan debt when he got married. He became a prominent cardiologist and had his loans paid off 11 years after he graduated. He had a fruitful and wonderful marriage, but the critics called him irresponsible and said things couldn't possibly work out with that kind of debt in the marriage.

ebonyivory10 - don't be afraid to agree with me. I make a lot of sense.

ebonyivory10

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_instead-of-doing-bridal-registry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:400Discussion:aa98ddfa-2131-4961-88a4-3d602d90750dPost:7474f327-504c-42e3-858a-21dafd1ff3ce">Re: instead of doing a bridal registry</a>:
[QUOTE]@EbonyIvory10: I sent you a pm.
Posted by winniethepiglet[/QUOTE]

Thank you!