African American Weddings

I don't know how to tell my parents...

I'm pregnant and moving the wedding up.

I know I have to tell them soon, but I'm really not super close to my mom or dad. Growing up they were always extremely strict and they're very religious. I love them to death, but I know they have a tendency to be judgmental and they're going to be really disappointed in me.

All my life it has been easier telling everyone else what was going on with me. There are some things I've experienced in my life that other relatives know about, but my parents don't know. It's even the same with my older sister; there are things I know about her and even her friends know, but my parents have no idea.

The original plan was to find a venue and tell my parents we're moving the date up and when they ask why tell them about Peanut. But now that we've actually found a venue, I'm starting to punk out. I also thought about giving my mama a grandmother card on mother's day because this will be her first biological grandchild, but I don't know if I can wait that long because I need to get some addresses from my mom for invites.

Any suggestions would be very helpful, ladies!
Lilypie Second Birthday tickers

Re: I don't know how to tell my parents...

  • edited December 2011

    many prayers your way sweetie.   do you have to tell them right now? why not just tell them you're moving the wedding up and if they ask if you're pregnant, then tell them. if not, give it a month or so.  i mean, from what i've read you live on your own w/FI so they must know it's a possibility. they are always gonna have a lot of questions;you are thier "little girl". GL

    218806_0122 - Copy2011-10-239513.10.15 Lilypie First Birthday tickers
  • edited December 2011
    I have religious parents too and as happy as I would be to be pregnant, I know exactly how you feel. They would love my child, but would have at least some disappointment in me for not waiting until after the marriage. With that said, maybe it isn't a good idea to find a "cute" way to tell them. I would however, include your FI in the announcement to show that the both of you are in this together and you will face what comes together...it shows maturity and unity and that's major. It never hurts to have a plan either...tell them what you have in mind for how you all are going to make things work (wedding, post-baby life, school, etc). I'd also tell them soon and face-to-face. I think it's worth an extra trip if at all possible. They would appreciate it more. Pray for the words and the courage and try not to wait so long that when you tell them they feel like you were hiding it. They will love you no matter what. I'm here if you need me...
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  • edited December 2011
    I agree with summer. You have some time to keep it to yourself before its noticeable. And whenever you tell them it will be a shock and they will have questions. But religious or not they love you and will love their grandchild as well. You are getting married, so the baby will techniically be born in wed-lock. It will be fine.

    But Please dont give that women a grandmom card. That is only funny in movies and could definitely go wrong. When you tell them, the best way will just be to sit them down. And you and fi will straight out tell them. HTH
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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_dont-tell-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:400Discussion:d141134b-bf0d-4151-9186-54725cc3a01dPost:cfcd8989-e3db-47ca-8403-11923ce46dae">Re: I don't know how to tell my parents...</a>:
    [QUOTE]I have religious parents too and as happy as I would be to be pregnant, I know exactly how you feel. They would love my child, but would have at least some disappointment in me for not waiting until after the marriage. With that said, maybe it isn't a good idea to find a "cute" way to tell them. I would however, include your FI in the announcement to show that the both of you are in this together and you will face what comes together...it shows maturity and unity and that's major. It never hurts to have a plan either...tell them what you have in mind for how you all are going to make things work (wedding, post-baby life, school, etc). I'd also tell them soon and face-to-face. I think it's worth an extra trip if at all possible. They would appreciate it more. Pray for the words and the courage and try not to wait so long that when you tell them they feel like you were hiding it. They will love you no matter what. I'm here if you need me...
    Posted by eagles347[/QUOTE]

    Excellent Advice. Take FI with you to show a unified front, do it face to face and as soon as possible.
  • edited December 2011
    I know I shouldn't tell them in "cute" way, but I don't know if I'm up to telling them in person either. I know it's a sign of maturity to tell them in person, but on the other hand I haven't lived in my parent's home since I was 18 and they haven't helped me financially since I was 20. I just feel like I've proved my maturity to them and I know I'm their most independent child even though I'm at least 7 years younger than all of my siblings. 

    Part of me would rather do it on the phone and not involve my FI because if my father says something crazy, which he has a tendency to do, I don't want my FI getting upset with him. When my father gets mad, I would much rather him direct his anger at me beause I've learned to deal with it over the years. I just don't want my FI to see that side of my daddy.
     
    I know there's no rush to tell them, but I don't feel like hiding it from them either. I've hid things from them my entire life, and this isn't something I want to hide really. I know that despite their initial response, they'll continue to love me and they'll love my baby.
    Lilypie Second Birthday tickers
  • edited December 2011
    ok...so maybe you can call them tonight. You know your family better than anyone. If you tell them now, at least they'll have time to process it before the wedding.
    218806_0122 - Copy2011-10-239513.10.15 Lilypie First Birthday tickers
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_dont-tell-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:400Discussion:d141134b-bf0d-4151-9186-54725cc3a01dPost:5f4c1e4f-b7a9-4373-8771-3d32356fd2d8">Re: I don't know how to tell my parents...</a>:
    [QUOTE]ok...so maybe you can call them tonight. You know your family better than anyone. If you tell them now, at least they'll have time to process it before the wedding.
    Posted by summerbride11[/QUOTE]

    I called my mom earlier, but she was busy. I guess I'll tell her when she returns my call. I'll be sure to let you ladies know how everything goes.
    Lilypie Second Birthday tickers
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_dont-tell-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:400Discussion:d141134b-bf0d-4151-9186-54725cc3a01dPost:691c64dc-9440-4b5d-bd79-94ce9b2300d0">Re: I don't know how to tell my parents...</a>:
    [QUOTE] I haven't lived in my parent's home since I was 18 and they haven't helped me financially since I was 20. I just feel like I've proved my maturity to them and I know I'm their most independent child even though I'm at least 7 years younger than all of my siblings.  Posted by missrekaeagle[/QUOTE]

    If you really feel this way, why does it really matter what they have to say? Yes, we all want our parents to proud of us, but it seems to me that your house is in order and you and your FI have a plan and are moving along with your marriage plans, and you know that they will love you no matter what. You might be surprised at the things that your "perfect" parents have done in their life. I was terrified to tell my parents that my FI and I were moving in together. To my surprise, My Daddy, was like, " Who are we to judge? We lived together before we got married." I almost fell out! I had no idea.  Some people have a tendency to forget what they did before they got saved and become judgemental. My point is, live your life for you and your growing famiily<img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-smile.gif" border="0" alt="Smile" title="Smile" /> Your parents will probably not be as judgemental as you think, and if they are, they will get over it. GL!
  • edited December 2011
    Honestly, it doesn't matter what they have to say. I just know that I disobeyed them by shacking up with my FI already. My parents never lived together before they married, but they did have a child out of wedlock (my older sis). Actually my father had 4 kids out of wedlock and that's why he is so against people shacking up and having premarital sex. I'm just worried that my father is going to say something really hurtful to me and I'm a really sensitive person. The pregnancy hasn't helped me in the sensitivity area. I've been crying about all sorts of crap for no reason lately, so if my daddy says something crazy it's going to stress me out and it's not healthy for Peanut. I just want to guard my feelings I guess. But you're right, if they have issues about my new developments they'll just have to get over it.
    Lilypie Second Birthday tickers
  • edited December 2011

    What about inviting them over for dinner and just talking it out. Of course they might be mad but at the end your parents will come around. Sit down and let them know how much you love them and alwys wanted to be the best because that's how they raised you, but things don't always goes as planned and  need to know your family will love and support no matter.  



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  • TwinsRibTwinsRib member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I have a somewhat similar type of relationship with my parents and I was terrified of telling them I was preggo... So I just blurted it out on the phone to my mom one day... She proceeded to say "Your only making it harder on yourself" and that was it... I was very surprised, but my mom has learned over the years that I could care less what people (even her) think or feel about my decisions.

    No parent is going to be happy when their child does things that are against their "wishes" but they also have to realize that you are grown and living your life, not theirs. (It takes some parents a very long time to realize this!)

    My 2 cents...
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_dont-tell-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:400Discussion:d141134b-bf0d-4151-9186-54725cc3a01dPost:b3092a72-42ef-4ebc-9300-6bba94a1abac">Re: I don't know how to tell my parents...</a>:
    [QUOTE]I have a somewhat similar type of relationship with my parents and I was terrified of telling them I was preggo... So I just blurted it out on the phone to my mom one day... She proceeded to say "<strong>Your only making it harder on yourself</strong>" and that was it... I was very surprised, but my mom has learned over the years that I could care less what people (even her) think or feel about my decisions. No parent is going to be happy when their child does things that are against their "wishes" but they also have to realize that you are grown and living your life, not theirs. (It takes some parents a very long time to realize this!) My 2 cents...
    Posted by TwinsRib[/QUOTE]

    That sounds like something my mom would say. I'm glad someone understands.
    Lilypie Second Birthday tickers
  • winter443winter443 member
    1000 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I am not sure of what advice to give you but I just want to let you know that I'll be keeping you in my prayers.  I pray that you find a way to let them know and that you'll have the strength and courage to do so.  At the end of the day you will have your FI and your peanut and yall will make a beautiful family!
    I love my baby, yep yep, he loves this chick! imageimageimageMy Planning Bio
  • KMB611KMB611 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Even though I'm not in your situation, I understand what you must be going through. I commend you and your fiance for trying to do the right thing and moving your date up. You seem as though you want to do the right thing. Many parents feel as though their children are a reflection of them regardless of whether their child is right or wrong. A baby should never be looked at as a mistake because God creates each of us with a purpose. It's going to be tough on them, but you also need their support with your wedding being so close and a new addition arriving also.
  • edited December 2011
    @ Reka I completely understand your pain, I am a daddy's girl and as I have mentioned before my dad is very much an old timer in the traditional since of child rearing, conception among many other things.  he still believes that children shouldn't have a voice, and it angers him when he hears my sisters having discussions with their sons who are teens.  In any event I was not married when I had my children.  I too have not lived under their roofs and have been financially dependent.  My dad once made reference to my son as a bastard child while lecturing me during a conversation about living out of wedlock.  It was one of the most hurtful things I could here but I know his words were not meant to hurt me or my family more so than it was to prove his point.  In the end our parents only want what is best for us so do not take it personal whatever words he may say.  And though you do not want you FI to see that side of your dad you may need him there for your own emotional support.  Whatever decision you make will be the right decision for you and your family.  You have to live by the decisions you make in life and everyone else has to deal with it.

    Though we have kids already two homes and have been successful in our lives I still made FI ask my dad for my hand in marriage (of course after I had already said yes, that gave my dad a peace of mind and respect) as I said he is from the old school so to him all of that is important.  

    Don't stress it and get it over with so that you can feel a since of relief.  If you are worried about the stress of telling them think about the stress of worrying about how and when to tell them, stress is stress, so bite the bullet and get it done.

    LOL as soon as I typed this my phone rung it's my dad :-) Love him to death :-)
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  • edited December 2011

    I know you can do it....just find the courage to tell them just like you done here.  Maybe you can invite them over for dinner to discuss your wedding plans and then tell them.  I am praying that you find the courage and strength to let them know so you can easy some of this stress you're carrying. 

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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_dont-tell-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:400Discussion:d141134b-bf0d-4151-9186-54725cc3a01dPost:b6dea630-96b7-4945-8d48-2dae66c16266">Re: I don't know how to tell my parents...</a>:
    [QUOTE]I am not sure of what advice to give you but I just want to let you know that I'll be keeping you in my prayers.  I pray that you find a way to let them know and that you'll have the strength and courage to do so.  At the end of the day you will have your FI and your peanut and yall will make a beautiful family!
    Posted by winter443[/QUOTE]

    Ditto!
  • edited December 2011
    Thank you all so much! I'm wondering what I did before I found this board lol. You all are amazing women with so much wisdom. I really appreciate all of your support.
    Lilypie Second Birthday tickers
  • edited December 2011
    Congratulations!
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  • essianessian member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Sorry for the late post.

    I agree with what most of the women are saying.But please, if you haven't done so already, don't tell them over the phone. I think this is something you should say face to face. And as s'one rightly added, Fi needs to be there as well to show unity between the 2 of u.

    With regards to gathering the courage, pray and ask God to give you the courage and you'll be surprised as to what HE would do. Don't worry too much about their reaction for now.Regardless of how they react initially, they would come around after a while so just make sure you both keep your calm on that day.Good Luck!
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