Rehearsal Dinner Debate

M1ssJ

So for our wedding weekend we are hosting a welcome picnic the day before and inviting everyone to attend. Providing lunch,liquor, etc.

We are having a more formal rehearsal dinner at an upscale restaurant. My aunts paid for it.

To stay in budget I would like to only invite the WP our parents, siblings , those aunts.

FI wants to invite the wedding parties dates about 7 ppl to the tune of 25 per person plus whatever they drink. I said no we are hosting them for lunch and inviting these mostly randoms to the wedding. That is basically 200 we could save or spend elsewhere. Am I wrong?

rowenac82

hmm...so in my opinion, I would have skipped the picnic and spent the money on the upscale dinner where the bridal party could bring their guests. So that way the rehearsal dinner is only for bridal party and family. Not sure why it seems like two parties are necessary if there is already the wedding but then again my mom is hosting bbq after the wedding. But my rehearsal is just a lunch and bridal party only with their guests. So I guess it's whatever you are comfortable with but if you are inviting your bridal party to that dinner their guests should be able to come especially if they are coming in from out of town. 

M1ssJ

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_rehearsal-dinner-debate?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:400Discussion:e0e30543-c032-40e4-b0c1-60cb4d257bbfPost:1c9cc036-9420-433a-ae78-0ad550f5d6a0">Re: Rehearsal Dinner Debate</a>:
[QUOTE]hmm...so in my opinion, <strong>I would have skipped the picnic and spent the money on the upscale dinner where the bridal party could bring their guests</strong>. So that way the rehearsal dinner is only for bridal party and family. Not sure why it seems like two parties are necessary if there is already the wedding but then again my mom is hosting bbq after the wedding. But my rehearsal is just a lunch and bridal party only with their guests. So I guess it's whatever you are comfortable with but if you are inviting your bridal party to that dinner their guests should be able to come especially if they are coming in from out of town. 
Posted by rowenac82[/QUOTE]

<div>We're getting married on a Sunday and most (all) of our guests are coming in from out of town. Our families havent met and we really wanted to hang out with everyone before the wedding. W wont have a post wedding brunch so a cookout/picnic allowed us to actually hang out with all of our guests and see our family.</div><div>
</div><div>I always said I wanted a formal RD but we couldn't hold or afford to host everyone at the upscale restaurant.</div>

rowenac82

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_rehearsal-dinner-debate?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:400Discussion:e0e30543-c032-40e4-b0c1-60cb4d257bbfPost:536b3b4f-275d-4f68-aee4-26628a16de56">Re: Rehearsal Dinner Debate</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Rehearsal Dinner Debate : We're getting married on a Sunday and most (all) of our guests are coming in from out of town. Our families havent met and we really wanted to hang out with everyone before the wedding. W wont have a post wedding brunch so a cookout/picnic allowed us to actually hang out with all of our guests and see our family. I always said I wanted a formal RD but we couldn't hold or afford to host everyone at the upscale restaurant.
Posted by M1ssJ[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>Just noticed your ticker!! You are getting so close!!! </div><div>
</div><div>I feel you on what you are trying to do but I still think the bridal party's guest should be invited. </div>

tirathemrs

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_rehearsal-dinner-debate?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:400Discussion:e0e30543-c032-40e4-b0c1-60cb4d257bbfPost:615b7c06-d52c-4b8d-bd40-971b2399da32">Re: Rehearsal Dinner Debate</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Rehearsal Dinner Debate : Just noticed your ticker!! You are getting so close!!!  <strong>I feel you on what you are trying to do but I still think the bridal party's guest should be invited. </strong>
Posted by rowenac82[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>This i agree with...my fiancee is in someones wedding and they had a little gathering and he was told not to bring me...well needless to say i was a little shocked at the fact that he was told who he could and couldnt bring...not a good look to me..</div>

MrsSmith2Be02

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_rehearsal-dinner-debate?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:400Discussion:e0e30543-c032-40e4-b0c1-60cb4d257bbfPost:9d00d6c5-c16b-421f-8e8d-89478a27475f">Rehearsal Dinner Debate</a>:
[QUOTE]So for our wedding weekend we are hosting a welcome picnic the day before and inviting everyone to attend. Providing lunch,liquor, etc. We are having a more formal rehearsal dinner at an upscale restaurant. My aunts paid for it. To stay in budget I would like to only invite the WP our parents, siblings , those aunts. FI wants to invite the wedding parties dates about 7 ppl to the tune of 25 per person plus whatever they drink. I said no we are hosting them for lunch and inviting these mostly randoms to the wedding. That is basically 200 we could save or spend elsewhere. Am I wrong?
Posted by M1ssJ[/QUOTE]

No you're not wrong. We aren't doing a welcome anything for anybody (against my mom's idea, but I'm like there just really isn't time for it and no money for it either). Our rehearsal dinner is JUST for the WP and parents. That's it. My idea was because their dates won't just be at the rehearsal just because. For what? So since the RD is immediately following, we aren't waiting on them to come. If they don't like it....OH well! I would have included FI brother...however he will be flying in the day of the wedding from a speaking engagement.

thedivav

if you are hosting a welcome cookout before the RD i dont see why there would be an issue

yo everyone is on a budget.... just make sure you give them something to do while yall are at the RD 

rb1734a

I can understand wanting to save money whereever you can, but doing it in a way that is rude to your nearest and dearest isn't the way to do it.  You really need to invite the WP dates-can you imagine if your FI was in a wedding and you weren't invited to the rehearsal dinner?

keyaira04

I'm indifferent. If I'm in a wedding and told FI was not invited to the RD, I would be a bit like 'why?", but I would be understanding, not question it, and plan for hubby to be taken care of accordingly. For the bride view, I get it and you gotta do what you gotta do. Is it just a 1-2 hour commitment? That would be my only deal; maybe looking at telling those with guest waiting with SOs at the hotel that can leave when they need to during dinner. Win/Win?

MrsSmith2Be02

So I'm clearly the minority in this discussion. LOL!

Maybe I'm looking at it from the WP point of view. Dates don't come to rehearsals....extra people are just in the way. So if the RD is immediately following the rehearsal (which is in my case, the RD is at the church....Friday night in Atlanta not conduscive to anywhere else downtown), when would they re-link up? I mean I totally understand J and I don't see why you would need to feed their dates 3 times over a weekend.

MrsBoss2012

I'm with Miss J and MrsSmith...I had a welcome cookout on Saturday for everyone. However, the rehearsal and RD on friday was closed. Well it was supposed to be closed (MIL foot the bill so things got a little out of control). My idea was, this is time for us to do a walk through, go over the timeline for the day, hand out gifts, etc. Your spouse has nothing to do with that part of the wedding and I don't want everyone seeing how its supposed to go before the real deal. I wanted the RD to be an intimate meal with our family members and friends  that are closest to us. I also didn't want it to be awkward for random cousins, aunts, etc who are there and are not receiving gifts, the gifts we present to BP and parents.

thedivav

everything is not for everyone to attend..... 

if i was with fi at a wedding and i could not come to the RD i would not have an issue.. its not like yall are going to keep him all night..... its for the WP and the family.... 

i am not in the wedding and dont know the family... 

its cool... 

but i am the mean one in the relationship he is the nice one....

TL25

FI was in his siter's wedding and I wasn't invited to the rehearsal dinner and I did not mind, I understood. I wasn't in the wedding party so I wasn't going to complain. I saw everyone the next day at the wedding, no biggie. So, do it how you want it.

M1ssJ

Ok so we're pretty evenly mixed on the opinions here. I do feel like I'm being rude but the last 3 weddings I've been in (people in my wedding now) they did not invite FI to the RD. Our RD is directly after the Rehearsal and I really don't want to have extra people at the rehearsal. That's non negotiable.

I told FI I was willing to bend on ppl like spouses. There are 2 with spouses that we actually hang out with but I didn't know if i invited them if I had to invite the random girlfriends too ugggghh!!

freebread03

If you feel like you're being rude, then don't do it.  Just because other people have done this to you doesn't mean its ok.  Couples should always be invited to events like this as social units (exceptions would be an all-female bridal shower, or an all-male bachelor party, etc.)  The rehearsal dinner is to say thank you to those nearest and dearest to you--assuming that you chose them because they are the most special people in your life, treat them like they really ARE the most special people in your life by including their significant others.  I don't think anyone is saying "tell them to bring a random date"-but if they are in a committed relationship (i.e. THEY consider themselves in a relationship), then you need to do the right thing and invite them.

I'm really surprised that most on this board don't see how it would be rude to not invite them.

M1ssJ

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_rehearsal-dinner-debate?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:400Discussion:e0e30543-c032-40e4-b0c1-60cb4d257bbfPost:ebaa9b5d-08d6-4095-976b-5232903ada61">Re: Rehearsal Dinner Debate</a>:
[QUOTE]If you feel like you're being rude, then don't do it.  Just because other people have done this to you doesn't mean its ok.  Couples should always be invited to events like this as social units (exceptions would be an all-female bridal shower, or an all-male bachelor party, etc.)  The rehearsal dinner is to say thank you to those nearest and dearest to you--assuming that you chose them because they are the most special people in your life, treat them like they really ARE the most special people in your life by including their significant others.  <strong>I don't think anyone is saying "tell them to bring a random date"-but if they are in a committed relationship</strong> (i.e. THEY consider themselves in a relationship), then you need to do the right thing and invite them. <strong>I'm really surprised that most on this board don't see how it would be rude to not invite them.</strong>
Posted by freebread03[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I think this is where I'm getting annoyed. About 5 of the guys are literally bringing people they have met in the past 3-4 months and are either just beginning to date or are one of the people they're dating. I bent my  rule and allowed them to bring them to the wedding.
</div><div>
</div><div>That's the main reason I think most of us wouldn't care to host them. but I do see the "rude" side of it</div><div>
</div>

freebread03

That's definitely frustrating that they are bringing their "flavor of the month"--but time dating someone has no indication of seriousness.  I booked tickets to visit my grandparents and parents with FI after we'd been dating for just a few months; on the other hand, I've "dated" guys for 10 months who I never would even consider bringing around family, yet alone to a wedding.  If they consider it a relationship, then you need to too, regardless of time.  If they're dating multiple people, then I think its a pretty grey area as to whether you need to invite them to the rehearsal dinner.

I'd invite those who are actually dating and in a committed relationship (even if only 3-4 months) and I'd really think hard about inviting those who are not actually in a relationship (but this might be weird if it's all but two).  Think about it this way--I'm sure you'd rather people say what a gracious host and bride you were by including everyone then have some people side-eye your decision to not invite them.

MissusD1116

Ummm, something stinks here.....

MrsSmith2Be02

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_rehearsal-dinner-debate?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:400Discussion:e0e30543-c032-40e4-b0c1-60cb4d257bbfPost:65b35f62-5fdb-48a6-9ab0-84e7a1e2667c">Re: Rehearsal Dinner Debate</a>:
[QUOTE]Ummm, something stinks here.....
Posted by MissusD1116[/QUOTE]


LOL. I literally chucked at this comment.

MissusD1116

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_rehearsal-dinner-debate?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:400Discussion:e0e30543-c032-40e4-b0c1-60cb4d257bbfPost:5a031b1c-738f-4606-a74a-5f3ee461e73c">Re: Rehearsal Dinner Debate</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Rehearsal Dinner Debate : LOL. I literally chucked at this comment.
Posted by MrsSmith2Be02[/QUOTE]



That's cause you know where im going with it...*smile*

freebread03

I'm sorry missusD, did I say something to offend you?

M1ssJ

*sprays Frebreeze*   .....alll better..... I see your point freebread. We're really at the budget stretched point so I think that's really coloring my judgement.

D & Smith.... 

freebread03

Can you limit something else at your rehearsal dinner to save money?  Maybe just have a few bottles of wine on the tables and no other drinks available to order?  Bottom line is budgets suck.

MissusD1116

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_rehearsal-dinner-debate?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:400Discussion:e0e30543-c032-40e4-b0c1-60cb4d257bbfPost:f7a30db5-7f58-4602-8746-ce7c662906a6">Re: Rehearsal Dinner Debate</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm sorry missusD, did I say something to offend you?
Posted by freebread03[/QUOTE]




Hold the phone... how did you come to the conclusion that I was referring to you dear person?

MrsSmith2Be02

J -

Let's talk about the "random" (for lack of better word) girlfriends / dates. Do you and FI know them? If you all don't KNOW them KNOW them, then I would kick rocks at how they feel about being invitied to a Rehearsal dinner. My LS only had the people who were in the wedding at the RD and it was still about 35 people there. Here Matron of Honor is clearly married and 2 of her bridesmaids are also and their hubbys werent there AND she is very close with them.  I'm sure they won't be offended and  you are probably over analyzing it. But remember you can't please everybody and as long as you are happy with it then cool.

Heck I had to tell my brother no you don't get a +1 for the wedding......and a number of my bridesmaids who asked. My thing is, I didn't even know you were "dating" someone so they can't be that serious. If there is space (which there won't be) then I'll let you know. IF not, sorry.....you'll be too busy anyway.

rowenac82

I really think this is one of those decisions that is up to you and FI and your pockets well in this case your aunt's budget. If they gave you a budget and it doesn't allow for significant others to attend then that's it. And when anyone asks could I bring a date, you simply say, my aunts are paying and it's bridal party only. Everyone could think what they want to think, it's not rude when you can't afford it. In the end, all of these people could be upset about one thing or the other about your wedding, but after that wedding date has come and gone, everyone moves on with their lives. So I said above that I think dates should be invited, I still feel that way but that's just my opinion, you know what you have to do. I guess I am speaking from a place where I have a small bridal party..so it's not a big deal for them to bring guests. 

M1ssJ

Thanks everyone for your opinions. FI and I decided to not invite people who are not married or engaged. That cut out 5/7 the two husbands coming are helping out in other ways and we agreed we wanted to thank them by inviting them.

melntaitt

I wouldn't invite them - especially since you're already hosting them eariler in the day. The rehearsal and dinner is for the WP and although it is a nice gesture I don't think it's manadatory.

They will be at the wedding together the following day and at the picnic earlier - having them at the rehearsal and dinner seems a bit like overkill to me.

freebread03

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_rehearsal-dinner-debate?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:400Discussion:e0e30543-c032-40e4-b0c1-60cb4d257bbfPost:795e257b-1af0-459d-b75e-06ccbedd8b58">Re: Rehearsal Dinner Debate</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Rehearsal Dinner Debate : Hold the phone... how did you come to the conclusion that I was referring to you dear person?
Posted by MissusD1116[/QUOTE]

<div>I guess I just assumed since you posted directly after I did...apologies if I assumed incorrectly, and if so, please do correct me dear person.</div>

thedivav

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_rehearsal-dinner-debate?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:400Discussion:e0e30543-c032-40e4-b0c1-60cb4d257bbfPost:4b9c275c-c45a-4641-9b39-f7caae927952">Re: Rehearsal Dinner Debate</a>:
[QUOTE]*sprays Frebreeze*   .....alll better..... I see your point freebread. We're really at the budget stretched point so I think that's really coloring my judgement. D & Smith.... 
Posted by M1ssJ[/QUOTE]

<div>1. its you and your hubby's day</div><div>2. its a recession and everyone is on a budget</div><div>3. if the flavor of the month thinks it will be rude?! who gives a flying fig....</div><div>4. have something for them to do while the RD is going on.... </div><div>5. Its you and your hubby's day.... you wont be able to please everyone</div><div>6.  Its you and your hubby's day</div><div>
</div><div>did i mention it is  Its you and your hubby's day.</div><div>
</div>

MrsSmith2Be02

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_rehearsal-dinner-debate?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:400Discussion:e0e30543-c032-40e4-b0c1-60cb4d257bbfPost:b4330630-7eab-4570-bb3e-d5d3cd00bcfd">Re: Rehearsal Dinner Debate</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Rehearsal Dinner Debate : 1. its you and your hubby's day 2. its a recession and everyone is on a budget <strong>3. if the flavor of the month thinks it will be rude?! who gives a flying fig....</strong> 4. have something for them to do while the RD is going on....  5. Its you and your hubby's day.... you wont be able to please everyone 6.  Its you and your hubby's day did i mention it is  Its you and your hubby's day.
Posted by thedivav[/QUOTE]

LOL! Exactly.