the wedding for us or for our guest..(very long vent).

JloveB

I am so annoyed right now...FI does not understand that our wedding is for us......

every time I try to plan something for us, he makes it about our guest...I keep explaining to him that it isn't about our guest and it is a day for us and those who want to be there will find a way. He says I am making it impossible for our guest and if they travel all that way for us they should have everything the way they want it even if we don't like it....that upset me that he believes that I should put our guest before us on our special day...like if the guest don't like jazz music, we need to play music they will dance to so we can't play what we want to hear...(he loves drum & bass...I was looking for D&B love songs to mix into our play list but I know since his family doesn't like it...he wouldn't want me to)...I was under the impression that it was our speical day and the people who came would be happy for us and just for one day would tolerate what we wanted...

.I've done it at several weddings....I enjoy myself because it was all about the bride and groom so even if they didn't have a vegetarian meal option I still went and I enjoyed my time there and didn't complain or feel like the wedding lacked something because the bride and groom didn't go out of their way to pay extra money for a special meal just for me and 3 other non-meat eaters...so I get sad when he takes little things that reflect us away from me just because he thinks his family will feel uncomfortable or his friends are poor so that they won't be able to come even though my family is just like his friends...many of them have money problems and are usually broke more than they are not...but they would still find a way to show up to my wedding...I keep telling him if our friends and family have a problem with our wedding than that is very selfish of them to treat our special day that way...

We don't have that much money ourselves to spend on a wedding and I don't want to spend a lot of a wedding even if we could.....so one reason for having a destination wedding is to make all guest to travel to cut down on the guest list a little. My family all I had to do was tell them the date and location...they don't bother me but I know they all will find a way to be there if they want to make it and for those who don't I know it isn't on purpose but things happen that you can't control..... his family knows about the date and location and so do some of his friends and they all expect me to find plane tickets and hotels deals for them because he keeps telling them I will and that I am good at that.  Now I did do room blocks at two different hotels to make it easy on people but I think it is very selfish of some of his friends and his family to think that it is my job to not only invite them to the wedding but to find them plane tickets for cheap and to find them cheaper hotel rooms than the ones I found because they don't like the price of the hotel I found.... and he acts like I should give them a complete list of activites they can do while there???   I get so upset that he can't see that it is not our jobs to get people to come to our wedding...inviting them should be enough and if they want to be there they would find a way...they would have started saving money back in feb 2010 and if they put away 20 dollars a paycheck....they would have half the money they needed now...more than half...

I feel like I am the bad guy because he keeps wanting me on top of finding the caterer, booking the reception and ceremony site to also personally find a way for every single guest he really wants to be there be able to come.  for me the only people I care about being there beside me and him is my mom & dad, his mom and dad, his brother and my sisters and brothers and my grandparents...I feel like everyone else is on their own and I am not responsible for them coming or not...my aunites, cousin and friends...I invited them but I can't look out for them and hold their hand while trying to plan...I just wish he would see that I can't do the same with his family or friends either....so stressful...I just had to vent...if you made it this far thanks for listening...

7venAfricano

Oh Honey, you needs lots of (((HUGS))) and grandmotherly kisses child bacause you are going through it ma. Wow, that is alot on your plate and I know that if your man is set in his way of thinking it is like squeezing an orange through a straw to get him to understand (my man is as hard headed as they can get most days).

Have you tried showing him what all it is you have to do? Like with planning etc? Because maybe he is assuming that planning a wedding can't be that difficult and time consuming, therefore he thinks that you have plenty of time to do all this extra added stuff for the guests.

Personally, I understand you only caring about the parents, grandparents and those loved ones closest to you being there. If it wasn't for my fiance's family and wanting my dad to walk me down the aisle when I get married, we'd just go to the chapel around the corner to avoid the drama that shall ensue. I'll keep you in my prayers because that is alot of stress. You do need to tell your fiance though that, if it is such a big deal for his friends and family to have a list of activities, cheaper hotel rooms and cheaper plane tickets then HE should be the one to do that since you are swamped with taking care of the actual wedding details. Explain to him that you have done all you can do as far as booking hotel rooms etc and that if they are still having issue with that then THEY need to look out for themselves. It isn't that hard to get online and google activites, plane fares etc. These are grown @ss people, not little kids and they need to stop acting like it.

If they truly care about your fiance and you then they will do what they can to get there to be there for the two of you on your special day and put away whatever issues they have. It is about Y'ALL not THEM. That's just the way it is. They can either attend or stay home...

Hopefully someone else will come and say something that is better than what I have said because I think I got a lil upset lol. In any case, good luck ma and I pray it all works out for your benefit.

rodeo417

Honey big hugs to you. Your FI needs to get out of lala land and come back to the real world. The wedding is about the two of you. And you are sharing this with loved ones. It is not your job to find flight rates for guests. make your stand now. if he wants flight rates and extra then tell him to do it. otherwise to keep mum on it.
now what you need to do is write a list down of everything that you have to do. every last detail and how long it takes you and then present it to him. maybe he needs to see how hard planning a wedding really is.

lil01

I agree with PP about showing your FI about ALL of the hard work & time it takes to plan a wedding. Let him see how much you have on your plate alone & that adding "other people's" responsibilities to you really isn't fair. While you're worrying about everyone else, you can easily forget to something that is major & important for the wedding. If it wants it done, maybe he can do it. He really needs to understand where you're coming from.  

My FI is the same way regarding wanting everyone to be there. Once I sat him down (with a calculator) and ran the numbers of how much stuff would cost for the number of guests he wanted, he came to his senses. However, it didn't happen over night!

I hope you & your FI can come to a common ground so you can get back to enjoying the wedding process. Good luck!  

hisSparklett

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_wedding-guestvery-long-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:400Discussion:e941fa0d-6895-466f-b800-06b4467a8b9dPost:e1fec6cc-2b07-4ab3-91dc-3f883a2b499e">the wedding for us or for our guest..(very long vent).</a>:
[QUOTE]I am so annoyed right now...FI does not understand that our wedding is for us...... every time I try to plan something for us, he makes it about our guest<strong>...I keep explaining to him that it isn't about our guest and it is a day for us and those who want to be there will find a way. He says I am making it impossible for our guest and if they travel all that way for us they should have everything the way they want it even if we don't like it.</strong>...that upset me that he believes that I should put our guest before us on our special day...like if the guest don't like jazz music, we need to play music they will dance to so we can't play what we want to hear...(he loves drum & bass...I was looking for D&B love songs to mix into our play list but I know since his family doesn't like it...he wouldn't want me to)...I was under the impression that it was our speical day and the people who came would be happy for us and just for one day would tolerate what we wanted... .I've done it at several weddings....I enjoy myself because it was all about the bride and groom so even if they didn't have a vegetarian meal option I still went and I enjoyed my time there and didn't complain or feel like the wedding lacked something because the bride and groom didn't go out of their way to pay extra money for a special meal just for me and 3 other non-meat eaters...so I get sad when he takes little things that reflect us away from me just because he thinks his family will feel uncomfortable or his friends are poor so that they won't be able to come even though my family is just like his friends...many of them have money problems and are usually broke more than they are not...but they would still find a way to show up to my wedding...I keep telling him if our friends and family have a problem with our wedding than that is very selfish of them to treat our special day that way... We don't have that much money ourselves to spend on a wedding and I don't want to spend a lot of a wedding even if we could.....so one reason for having a destination wedding is to make all guest to travel to cut down on the guest list a little. My family all I had to do was tell them the date and location...they don't bother me but I know they all will find a way to be there if they want to make it and for those who don't I know it isn't on purpose but things happen that you can't control..... his family knows about the date and location and so do some of his friends and they all expect me to find plane tickets and hotels deals for them because he keeps telling them I will and that I am good at that.  Now I did do room blocks at two different hotels to make it easy on people but I think it is very selfish of some of his friends and his family to think that it is my job to not only invite them to the wedding but to find them plane tickets for cheap and to find them cheaper hotel rooms than the ones I found because they don't like the price of the hotel I found.... and he acts like I should give them a complete list of activites they can do while there???   I get so upset that he can't see that it is not our jobs to get people to come to our wedding...inviting them should be enough and if they want to be there they would find a way...they would have started saving money back in feb 2010 and if they put away 20 dollars a paycheck....they would have half the money they needed now...more than half... I feel like I am the bad guy because he keeps wanting me on top of finding the caterer, booking the reception and ceremony site to also personally find a way for every single guest he really wants to be there be able to come.  for me the only people I care about being there beside me and him is my mom & dad, his mom and dad, his brother and my sisters and brothers and my grandparents...I feel like everyone else is on their own and I am not responsible for them coming or not...my aunites, cousin and friends...I invited them but I can't look out for them and hold their hand while trying to plan...I just wish he would see that I can't do the same with his family or friends either....so stressful...I just had to vent...if you made it this far thanks for listening...
Posted by JloveB[/QUOTE]

 I have to completely disagree with your FI about you having things even if you don't like it. It is your wedding, you don't just have one of those all willy-nilly. I'll be damned if someone tells me I can't have what I want on this day especially if you are the one paying for it. You are not responsible for other people and how they do or do not make it. Those that really love you will make a way to be there and will not complain about it.

JloveB

thanks ladies..I am fusturated..I will take the advice of writing everything down and showing him the numbers, I tried to explain to him but he just get offensive so maybe if I show him number and have him at it up, he'll think twice.