advice needed

tang205

Hello fellow knotties. I have been a lurker from time to time and need some advice. Please note... this will be long and all advice will be appreciated. Also please excuse any missed spelled words and grammatical errors. Ok here goes: FI and I are scheduled to get married 5/10. I have booked the church, reception site, florist, and photographer.  FI and I visited my parents over the Christmas holidays and I left my work bag at my parents house by mistake. Anyway, my mother goes through my bag snopping and notices that FI has been laid off his full-time job. (he still has a part-time job). So she makes it a point to let me know what she found, and starts hounding me. I didn't tell her because I don't believe in diclosing any problems FI and I have with others and because I knew how she would react. She goes on to say that we should push our date back and discussed her dissapointment that I didn't tell her and that FI is not providing for me as he should. I on the other hand have always had a job and don't need anyone to take care of me. This situation has caused me so much stress and frustration that I'm in tears as I write this. FI and I talked last night and I told him that I just wanted to call the wedding off and just go off to get married. I know I wouldn't be comfortable knowing my mom doesn't think we should get married until after he gets another job. Mom also said that if I want financial assistance from her for the wedding that I will have to sit down and have a heart to heart discussion which is something I can't see happening.  A little side history.... when I was about 19-20 I was in an abusive relationship and my parents basically cut me off not understanding how to help me. They only support me when I do thinks they want me to do and wouldn't help me finish undergrad while I was in that relationship. I have grown so much since then at 30 now and my mom can't seem to get past that. She brings it up every chance she gets. I love FI dearly and is very supportive of me and doesn't want to cause a wedge between me and my family. I know that he is trying hard to find a full-time job as well has start his own business and I have faith that we have a bright future ahead.
I know this post is all over the place but I really need some advice. Thanks again.

YasJas2011

Well first off, Hello and Welcome!!! I am from Alabama too!

I personally think that if you didn't want to share that your FI was out of a full-time job with your mother, was not a bad thing. There should be no reason that you have to tell your mother anything that is going on between you and your honey. I had to learn that the hard way to keep people out of your relationship, especially when he is not mistreating you. So I don't think that she has a reason to be upset. She is the one that went snooping.

I think that you all should do what you feel is best for you all. If you still feel comfortable having the wedding in 5/10, then I say go for it! If you think you need to go to Vegas, I say go for it! As long as you are marrying your man is all that counts. Good luck on whatever you all decide.

njl28

I feel for you as, I am in almost the same situation. My parents can't stand my FI, and I am not sure if they will attend my Feb. wedding. We are paying for everything on our own, but because we had a few problems when we first started dating ( 7 years ago) they can't see him as anyone I should be marrying. This is how I feel, I want to have a wedding, I want to walk down the aisle and have him look at me with love in his eyes; and NO ONE will take that away from me. Not my mother, father, or anyone else who doesn't like it. If you are happy with him, he doesn't mistreat you, and you can afford to have your wedding then HAVE YOUR WEDDING!! We thought about going to the Justice of the Peace, but I wanted the experience of a wedding; and I didn't want to look back with regrets, because I don't know about you, but I only plan to do this once. If you think you might have to ask for help, and you don't want the hassle or ridicule of asking your parents- cut something out, or back. When people put up there money they feel they have say as to how things are dictated. In the end you and your FI are getting married, and it's only you and him that have to make it work. I am hurt my parents may not come, but THEY will have to live that; and your parents will come around just trust in GOd he will make it alright.
Good Luck

clross01

Hello and Welcome!!!

I agree with pp. You have to do what's best you.. Losing a job isn't the end of the world .  Sometimes God puts us in these types of situations because He wants us to do something else. He knows we wont until something major happens.. I suggest sitting down with FI and look at everything and based on that decide if you want to keep the 5/10 date or go to Vegas. Either way, you will be married to the man you love.

HTH..

Spim7

I don't think that postponing the wedding is going to help you or your fiance. I think it would make him feel really guilty for being responsible for not being able to make your big day happen as planned. We committ to each other in marriage so that we can stand by each other through "good times and bad" "for richer or for poorer" those words are included in traditional marriage vows for a reason. I think standing before friends and family and showing them that your love and devotion for each other surpasses the hardships in your life is something to be proud of and that is love worth celebrating. Good Luck!

KSTURGIS

I agree with your decision not to share that information. And as long as you and fi are comfortable with the finances, than you should keep your original date.
If you guys are soley paying for the wedding, than there isnt much to have a conversation about. If your parents are the major contributors for your wedding, than maybe you should have a sit down with your mom. But dont let her dominate the conversation. Maybe you  have to address and express your feelings about the past situation before you will be able to resolve this one. And if she still doesnt come around, I say vegas is always a great time. Dont let anyone take the joy out of marrying your man

Welcome to the board !!!!!

tang205

Thanks ladies for you advice. I talked to my dad today and he made feel so much better. I will keep you posted. Thanks again and again!!!

MIABRIDENTAMPA

Your relationship only has to be explained to you and fi. He treats you good, you know he's trying, he's bringing in some income, and he makes you happy thats all that matter. Because at the end of day, you will be his wife, and if you cant support him through this time of struggle, then how does mother think that makes you look as a wife. You are there for each other through great, good, bad and ugly. THis is only a test from God for ya'll to make sure you can handle the pressure if the going gets tough!!! GL

Deidra123

Here we go.  Short and sweet.

You are a grown woman, FI is a grown man.  You are not a child so don't act like one.  Tell your Mom to butt out in a nice way and go on with the wedding.  If she doesn't want to pay, then go to Vegas.

At some point, your Mother is going to have to realize that you are not a child anymore.  The only way that she will realize that is if you act as an adult when the situation calls for it.  This is one of those situations.  So stop crying like a baby and stand up to your Mother like a woman.  She will respect you for it and eventually figure out that she can't boss you around anymore.

It's obvious that she doesn't see you as an adult or else she would not have gone through your things like you were some sort of child who doesn't deserve privacy.  That's not how you treat an adult, that's how you treat a child.

Take responsibility and act like an adult in this situation.

ladylum

I agree with pp but Deidre's is the one I agree with the most. Not saying that you are not acting like an adult but this is just the beginning. Mom doesn't think you should have a wedding, then next thing you know she doesn't think it's the right time to have a child, etc. etc. The time is NOW to tell your mother that you appreciate her but you are grown and you two will not agree with everything. She has to trust that she raised you right and will do the right thing but you need to let her know now before it gets worse! I'm 33, getting ready to marry my second husband in May as well (we are month twins!) and I heard flack from my stepmom (my parents are dead). I told her I was grown and she can deal with what I am doing or kick rocks. Have that wedding! Marry that man! And believe me you can do a wedding on a budget!  *stepping off my soapbox now*

ladylum

Forgot to say welcome to the board and don't be a lurker! We all support each other here!