Catholic wedding, but non-catholic bride: Converting JUST for the wedding/marriage?

imJacksPGbelly

No flames.  Please.

I take religion very seriously, so this is something that I am kind of torn on.

BF and I (we're not engaged yet, but our conversations are along the lines of "when we're married...") were talking last night, and he paused and kind of laughed and then said, "So.. are you okay with it being a Catholic wedding?" I was taken aback.  I was raised completely LDS,  but have since "left the church,"  and don't follow any religion.  I believe several different things, and have a respect for all faiths, but lack of interest in any/all "religion"  (the organization of them).  Since this change, I've always envisioned a non-religious wedding for myself, if I chose to remarry (was married in 2003, divorced early last year, have a 4 yr old son).  OR at least some non-denominational ceremony. 

BUT it's actually really important to him.  He personally only goes to church a few times a year, but his 8 yo attends a private Catholic school, and his family are all very Catholic, some more hardcore than others, but his dad is a Deacon (having converted from Buddhism years ago).  He is very serious about really wanting a Catholic ceremony, and said that all of his in-laws have converted for his siblings for their weddings, since it didn't really matter to them.  He knows how I feel about religion, and said that I wouldn't be expected to practice after that..  but I was trying to express to him how big of a deal it will be to my family if I join a DIFFERENT church, as opposed to just not being LDS anymore.  My mom will be heartbroken.  Seriously.

BUT, I was just doing some googling and found out that after he gets his first marriage "annulled" in the eyes of the church, being divorced, if he remarries, there is something like a probationary period before he's "in good graces" again?  But that if he marries "outside the Church," that he's no longer in good graces and can't participate in Eucharist anymore.

He and I can't have a "valid" marriage because even having been baptized mormon, the CAtholic church (decided in 2001), does not recognize Mormon baptisms as "valid" for being a Sacrament.  We would not be able to just get a "permission" and have a Sacramental wedding/marriage unless I actually converted.

My problem is this:  I respect the faith, and I fully respect and agree to the idea of Marriage as a sacrament.  BUT, I do not want to obligate myself to any other faith, which is why I'm no longer active in the one I was raised with.

I've been trying to find a compromise, and in googling found out about alternatives that don't include having a mass-- or where they'd do a Mass, but I could just receive a blessing, not communion.  Problem is, no matter what, if we did that, and I didn't convert, he's no longer allowed to take Eucharist (maybe there are exceptions, but his dad IS a Deacon...).

So, I'm considering what this would mean for me to convert just for the sake of the marriage-- and by that, I don't just mean the ceremony itself, but for the sake of it being considered a "Sacramental Marriage".. because while I don't follow any one religion, I am very spiritually inclined.  Also because I don't want to put him in a situation where he's no longer considered "in good graces" when I currently have no tie to my previous faith.

I just don't know how I could do it.. "convert," if my heart isn't really into the religion.  Like, I don't believe all of the Catholic teachings, just like I no longer believe all of the LDS teachings.  i'm torn.  If I decided to go through with it, would a priest understand that I respect the church and would be fine having children raised in it, but that I wish to convert only for the purposes of creating/giving the "sacrament" of marriage because I believe very strongly in what marriage truly is and truly should be?

Plus, would my 4-yr old be expected to be baptised CAtholic too?  I'm not sure I'm willing to do this, since I don't want him to follow any ONE religion either.. he gets LDS from his dad, but I want to introduce him to a lot more than that.

Thoughts?

Any suggestions are appreciated.

pamelasmither

My fiance is Jewish and like you I do not subscribe to any particular religion. We talked about this before we got engaged also and decided that I wouldn't convert for a wedding but when and if we decide to have children I would. The difference is, he is not a very religious person and his parents are fine with our agreement. I'm not put off by converting because the more I'm around and learn about the Jewish traditions I kinda fall in love with it. I would just say seriously consider it and let it kind of sink in and maybe you come to some kind of agreement like my FI and I did, but if your heart is just not in it then you need to communicate this so everyone knows where you stand. I think its great you are talking about these things before you even get engaged, Good luck.

Manda724

I think that you should consult the church before you do a thing. I was told by a websit that my preist couldn't marry us outside the church because he was a pastor of a church. This was faulse information.

My fi is jewish and i am roman catholic. since this is the case when my preist asked me about wedding plans i told him what i found and he told me never to listen to the internet.

So my only advice to you is to have him talk to his preist and see what he needs to do.

Good luck.

unplainjane

wow this is a difficult one. as far as i've learned you do not need to convert. if you decide to get married in a catholic church the church will still "recognize" your marriage. basically your priest needs to get approval (dispensation) from the bishop that he is marrying a non-catholic. therefore your husband can still participate in eucharist because the church has blessed the marriage.

you do need to get both your previous marriages annulled though and that can take a while. with your son i'm not sure if he will be expected to be raised catholic. i know that any future children would be expected to be.

i would definitely talk to a friendly priest about all this and then you can make your decision. good luck.

mayamiller246

Wow, so I am having a little bit of the same situation, but reverse my FI is the one not wanting to convert just for the sake of the marriage, as everyone else has said go to our FI church and speak with the deacon or priest, my deacon explained there are 3 different types of ceremonies that could be performed (catholic with catholic, catholic and non, and if one has not been bapitized in any christian religon) It all depends on the archdioses (sp?) We are lucky now a days that people are more "open" about different races and religions getting married. GOOD LUCK

JCM10

Wow, what a challenge you've been blessed with! I completely agree with the idea of not converting to denomination that you're not a wholehearted believer in. I'm facing the same thing (marrying a Catholic) but luckily my baptism is recognized, so there's less paperwork (which apparently fixes things in the eyes of God...haven't figured that out yet!). 

There is a way to get the marriage recognized in the Catholic church...it will just be a lot of extra work for all parties. You can get married in the Catholic church, but he must receive permission to marry an unbaptized (by their standards, of course) person. Then it will still be recognized by his church, and he can receive communion (the reason he wouldn't be able to is because he'd be consummating a marriage that doesn't exist...since it wasn't approved). But this situation can be resolved! Good luck, your patience and understanding will be rewarded!

amatadei

Why is he so gung-ho about getting married in the Catholic church if he barely goes to Mass? That in and of itself means that he's already not in such good graces with the Church. If he isn't serious enough about his religion (notice I did not say faith, as I believe that religion and faith are very different things) to actually practice it, then why is he pushing so hard for you to convert to it? Does he go to confession? Are you two abstaining from sex until your marriage? If he is not insisting on following the Catholic doctrine completely, I really don't see why he is adamant about having a Church wedding. That's pretty hypocritical, IMO.

I think the two of you need to sit down and have a serious discussion about what the two of you believe and find a spiritual identity as a couple, outside of the religions in which you both were raised. This is not a problem that is going to go away after the wedding, either... When kids come into the picture, you'll be having this discusison all over again (oh, and btw, if you DO get married in the Catholic church, you have to promise to raise your kids Catholic as well). Faith is a very real part of life and, if you don't find common ground on this now, it can be a very divisive issue in your marriage as a whole. This goes a lot deeper than under which roof or by which kind of official you are married.

swimangel07

The catholic church allows interfaith weddings for it's members and doesn't hold it against them or something. your fiance can still be a "good catholic" if you don't wnt to convert

ELedge2B

<div>Actually, just the Catholic party is the only one who has to "promise" to raise the children Catholic, the non-Catholic party just has to be okay with the Catholic spouse promising that. </div><div>
</div><div>(I just came from meeting with my priest for our pre-marriage investigation - my fiancé is Christian/Not-Catholic and I am Catholic. Our wedding is going to be Catholic w/out the Mass. He is not converting just for the ceremony. He doesn't really have a religion he follows now-a-days. I would just echo the same advice everyone else is, that you guys should go meet with the priest at the church he attends and get some straight answers, that will really help!)</div><div>
</div><div>One last note, I am Catholic and pretty adamant about having a Catholic wedding to have my marriage in and recognized by the Church, because it is important to me. That doesn't mean I believe completely every teaching. So just because he may not believe 100% everything the Church teaches or go every Sunday, it is obviously important enough to your guy that he mentioned it to you in the first place. </div><div>
</div><div>Just my thoughts, no offense to anyone here. I have complete respect for people and their own beliefs. </div><div>
</div><div>
</div>In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_interfaith-weddings-1_catholic-wedding-but-non-catholic-bride-converting-just-weddingmarriage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:429Discussion:ef2455bb-f7de-4863-9d4c-294077f76050Post:d52524b1-5c53-4850-9db9-0921fdd1bac8">Re: Catholic wedding, but non-catholic bride: Converting JUST for the wedding/marriage?</a>:
[QUOTE]Why is he so gung-ho about getting married in the Catholic church if he barely goes to Mass? That in and of itself means that he's already not in such good graces with the Church. If he isn't serious enough about his religion (notice I did not say faith, as I believe that religion and faith are very different things) to actually practice it, then why is he pushing so hard for you to convert to it? Does he go to confession? Are you two abstaining from sex until your marriage? If he is not insisting on following the Catholic doctrine completely, I really don't see why he is adamant about having a Church wedding. That's pretty hypocritical, IMO. I think the two of you need to sit down and have a serious discussion about what the two of you believe and find a spiritual identity as a couple, outside of the religions in which you both were raised. This is not a problem that is going to go away after the wedding, either... When kids come into the picture, you'll be having this discusison all over again (oh, and btw, if you DO get married in the Catholic church, you have to promise to raise your kids Catholic as well). Faith is a very real part of life and, if you don't find common ground on this now, it can be a very divisive issue in your marriage as a whole. This goes a lot deeper than under which roof or by which kind of official you are married.
Posted by amatadei[/QUOTE]

laurajj419

I can speak as someone who is non-religious (but spiritual) and has seriously dated Christian and Muslim men and is now engaged to a Catholic man.

My advice is:  be true to yourself.  I know some people do convert for the sake of their fiance, but I would never do this.  I think it is admirable to learn as much as possible about your fiance's religion, participate in the parts that you agree with or feel comfortable with, but remember - this is a PARTNERSHIP.  That's give and take on both sides - learning from each other but continuing to respect each others' beliefs.

My fiance and I are discussing our ceremony - will it be Catholic, will it be more of a secular humanist ceremony, or will it be a combination of both our views on life/the world?  And we're going to do everything we can to include both - not just his, even though it'd be easier for his family, my family, and pretty much everyone else involved for it to be a strictly Catholic ceremony.

Convert to a religion if you find truth in that religion - otherwise, don't.  Like many others have said, there are ways to have a Catholic ceremony without you converting.  It'd definitely be worthwhile to consult a priest as well as a non-religious counselor to get various perspectives on the issue.  As with any marriage (interfaith especially!!), it's really helpful to do some intense talking before the wedding about the role that religion will play in your lives and in your kids' lives, should you choose to have kids.  I feel like my FI and I have talked about everything under the sun, but we're still seeking pre-marital counseling to get more perspectives in case there's big issues we're missing!

Good luck and keep us posted!!

tryingcake

You will not like my answer.  But I say this with true caring and love in my heart... for your unborn children yet to come.

DON'T DO IT!!!  I promise you, if it's important for him to have a Catholic ceremony, it's most likely that he will also want to raise the children Catholic.  He may say no now, but it's obviously important to him.  And you have to be on board 100%.  If you are not, do don't do it.

I was raised Catholic.  I am a non-denominational mnister now.  I have seen many marriages break up over this after it's too late.  As a rule, after children are born people's faith (including a lack of faith) become more important.  Arguments ensue and then you know the rest. 

If the couple agree that, well, we'll raise them in both faiths, let them choose for themselves.  I promise, all you are teaching them is that neither religion, is important enough to be faithful to.

The Catholic, Jewish, Seventh Day and Mormon Faiths are faiths all to themselves.  A Methodist can marry a Baptist and that maariage has a chance of working .  mnost likely one will just go to the other's church.  But a Catholic marrying a Jew or a Mormom marrying one of the other spells troube down the road.

Now, of course, everyone thinks their marriage is stronger than this.  If the divroce rate is so high, and we are all average people - no one is as special as they think they are, why would you want to start out a marriage with something so important and heavy against you?  You may very well possibly be one of the few that make it work.  But the odds are against it.

vdp1991

Well I am Catholic. I am getting married. My fiance is not Catholic,  but because I am we have to be married in a Catholic church unless there is a huge issue that makes it were we can't (ie: pregnancy, family illness, and so on). The priest doesn't have an issue with us getting married nor does he believe Aaron (my fiance) should convert.
I think you should stay how you are. Believe or not many the religion (Catholic) is extremely relaxed since Vatican 2. I am actually getting married during lent! Which prior to Vatican 2 it would have never been allowed.
Talk to the priest, do the marriage therapy they offer (we are even tho he isn't Catholic just so we can work through our relationship with someone else it helps a whole lot plus it usually gets a discount on marriage liscense)
Relax! It isn't such a big deal