I knewit was too good to be true.

HisBelovedOne

The wedding's off. Because my fiance didn't think to find out anything from his family when I asked him FIVE TIMES whether he wanted to invite his extended family. He said no. FIVE TIMES.And his parents decided to get on him TODAY about it, instead of three months ago when we were talking about planning all of this. They think we should have the typical big wedding and invite everybody and all that jazz.

So now I need to cancel the venue, cancel the photographer that I spent DAYS trying to get ahold of, explain to my family that everything's off until further notice when both families are available at the same time, pay my mother back for the money she's going to lose because of the venue, etc, etc, etc.

I don't know how we're going to pay for the enormous wedding his family thinks we need. His parents won't cover it. My parents won't (or rather, can't) cover it. We certainly can't cover it.

Also, I'm done trying to make "wedding" work. Every SINGLE time I plan it, something happens to upset plans and make me lose the money that *I* spent because HE TOLD ME to plan. I'm tired of having him tell me to plan, and then having said plans pulled out from under me last-minute.

AquarianDragon

I'm not sure why things should be cancelled. He made a decision about not inviting the extended family knowing very well it would cause a problem. There's no way he didn't know it wasn't going to blow up in his face. It's pretty standard in Indian cultural to invite EVERYBODY, and if you don't, people are gonna give you hell about it. Now, he's hearing it, but it's not fair to you for your FI to allow his parents to jerk his chain.

Hopefully, you two will work past this and find another solution.

HisBelovedOne

His parents won't come if they're the only Indian family. And he won't get married without them being there.

Along with all of this, the parents are trying to control how we do everything else in our lives - how we name our daughter, where we live, etc. I'm tempted to give him back the ring and tell him we can't be engaged if he's going to let his parents bully him into things like this - this is the third time in the last two weeks that we've had an enormous fight because his parents have decided that NOW they want to be involved in everything (wedding, baby, life, etc) and I'm tired of being pushed into a corner because he says, "ok, Mom" without consulting me first.

MrsBM

I'm sorry beloved.

I think you need to have a talk with him.  Tell him exactly what you are feeling.  Don't be too harsh (don't give him the ring back).  Being in a relationship as we all know takes patience, honestly and open communication.  There will be times where his Indian family will get in the way....be thankful you only have ONE indian family to deal with...I have two LOL!

Carefully consider what the two of you want first ...in life and in planning a wedding the couple's wishes should be above all others ...not what his family or extended family wants...you have to make each other happy first. Make sure you are both on the same page and that you understand exactly what each other wants.   Then he will have to take the steps to talk to his family about your and his wishes.  But he definitely has to stand up to his family. 

Good luck! and we are here if you need to chat / share thoughts!

*hug

Hinaj

I am so sorry beloved!  But you guys have to talk, you already had so much planning done.  Why can't his parents compromise, that a small wedding now and when you guys can afford it, you can have the big reception that they want.  Its up to you two and when you want to get married, especially when they are demanding it should be a certain way, but making no contribution towards it.  In the end, only thing should matter is that you two are getting married.  You shouldn't give the ring back, but calmly  discuss it with him.  Talk to him about this.  Remember you don't want to say or do something in the heat of the moment and regret it later.  It all comes down to what you two want, and if you both are willing to do with a small wedding now and his parents are not helping out monetarily with anything then they have no say.  Then he should just tell his parents that this is when the wedding is, we would love you guys to come, but if you can't then I am sorry you are going to miss out on it.  As long as you two know what you want, it doesn't matter about the rest. 

HisBelovedOne

I've triend talking. We have talked about this all day yesterday, even up to ten minutes before bedtime. His parents won't accept two separate weddings, and they refuse to pony up the cash for the extras. Or they can't afford to; I'm not sure whether it's pride because "the bride's family should pay" or they really don't have the money - it would be quite a lot of extras. Mostly it's the refusing to attend thing.

He will not stand up to them. Lately every time his mom complains about something, he's all too willing to give in to what she wants, even when it directly goes against everything WE planned/agreed to/decided together without their input. I'm starting to feel like his first allegiance is with his parents, not with me, which is completely the opposite of what had been happening before he moved out of his mom's house. That's not what I bargained for, not what I agreed to, and not what I will live with.

I don't know how to have this talk with him, because every time I bring it up and tell him that I feel like his parents are pushing me out of the way to convince him to do what they want, he tells me that he's just trying to make everybody happy. Only he isn't, really. Every SINGLE time FMIL calls him to gripe about this or that (we aren't living with them, we aren't having a huge wedding, we didn't invite everybody, etc) he basically rolls over and says, "ok, we'll do it your way," and TELLING me after the fact that things are changing. Not consulting me or trying to compromise - no, he's agreeing to change things and then informing me that they're changing and this is what's happening now.

The compromise his mother has suggested is cancel the wedding, elope at the courthouse, and go visit with separate families after, or delay the wedding until everyone can make it and have a huge 300+ guest "proper" wedding. For which we would be footing the bill, of course, and at which none of the plans that I have worked on over the last year and a half will be seen - not the ceremony I wrote, not the handfasting I organized, none of it. I'm not okay with either of those. Both of them basically take everything I've put together and throw them out the window. Again.

He refuses to see what he's doing, flat-out denies it when I bring it up to him WITH EVIDENCE, even, and it's really starting to make me question whether he really does understand how to be in an adult relationship where he has to make decisions with someone else, and not flip-flop on them because his parents disagree.

DFWIndian

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_south-asian-weddings_knewit-good-true?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:430Discussion:02021b39-e5ba-42c8-96bd-8e292fa97125Post:89edb3c3-e522-4802-a234-395b7336de7a">Re: I knewit was too good to be true.</a>:
[QUOTE]I am so sorry beloved!  But you guys have to talk, you already had so much planning done.  Why can't his parents compromise, that a small wedding now and when you guys can afford it, you can have the big reception that they want.  Its up to you two and when you want to get married, especially when they are demanding it should be a certain way, but making no contribution towards it.  In the end, only thing should matter is that you two are getting married.  You shouldn't give the ring back, but calmly  discuss it with him.  Talk to him about this.  Remember you don't want to say or do something in the heat of the moment and regret it later.  It all comes down to what you two want, and if you both are willing to do with a small wedding now and his parents are not helping out monetarily with anything then they have no say.  Then he should just tell his parents that this is when the wedding is, we would love you guys to come, but if you can't then I am sorry you are going to miss out on it.  As long as you two know what you want, it doesn't matter about the rest. 
Posted by Hinaj[/QUOTE]

THIS!! Completely! If his parents aren't willing to contribute and you can't do it then what do they or even your FI expect?? I feel like it is really rude of them to ask you to call off the wedding when you have everything booked and your family all knows about it. It is not right to lose all that money in deposits and to put you through all the stress. I think I would be livid.

Talk to your FI and don't allow him to just get out of it. You need to have an open honest and decision kind of meeting. This way you can finally have a wedding.

trueleo818

Everything the girls just said. Put him in his place, sista! He needs to stick up for the both of you. He isn't mama's little boy anymore. Do they not understand that everything is booked? -sighs. *hugs*

HisBelovedOne

I got him to sit down and talk this afternoon; it turns out (and I don't know why he didn't feel the need to impart this information to me) that the reason his extended family can't make it to the wedding in December is because they are going to India in December to visit his great-grandmother, who is sick.

That would be a valid reason, something to share with your fiance who is flipping out because you let her think your family was just being bull-headed and refusing to compromise. Wouldn't ya think?

Anyhow. It also turns out that his parents have offered to give us back all the money we would have lost (it's under $1000, which doesn't seem like a lot, but it is when you don't have a whole lot of money to play with). I don't know if they play to help us with paying for a later wedding, but if we even HAVE a later wedding it'll have to be near the end of next year. My family can't afford to come down here more than once a year at most, and they're already coming down for Christmas this year. It will be at least Thanksgiving next year before they can come down again.

raangoli

Aww, I am so sorry that you're going through this again, Beloved.

I guess it's good though that you found out the reason why his extended family can't come, but why not take his mom up on the compromise that she suggested and have the court house wedding? Then visit with the families afterwards. That way you get married before the baby is here, you don't have to wait yet another year. Maybe you can do it this year when your side of the family is visiting for the holidays and just celebrate low key along with the holidays?

Just an idea. But hang in there. I know it can be frustrating and Indian families can be pushy. Your FI needs to figure out how to handle and deal with the demands of his parents and of the family he has with you. It's tough but you can work through it together, I am sure of it!

We're always here to listen, too!

HisBelovedOne

We would elope, but we want a wedding. His family has made it clear that they won't attend a wedding after an elopement because we'll already be married and they won't see the point in a ceremony. And he REALLY wants them to be here.

So we decided that (after we go to premarital counseling - we need it and I'm not letting him back out of it) we're going to get married in June, since my family is coming down to FL for family reunion. I hadn't wanted to usurp that gathering for a wedding, but my mom suggested it since all of the same family who will be here at Christmas will be here for the reunion too. Seven months is more acceptable to me, and we don't mind getting married after the baby gets here. That seems to be more of a hangup on his parents' end.

Getting married in the middle of wedding season is more expensive, but we don't have to make it a big hoopla - R promised me we could keep the simple plans we had, just make everything a little bigger. He also promised me that we could keep the ceremony I worked so hard on.

raangoli

That's a great idea to do it in June! I think that having the wedding after your daughter arrives is sweet, too, so she can be a part of your day in her own small way.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you!

DFWIndian

Welcome to the June wedding crowd!!! It is a little more expensive, but if you find the right vendors it's not bad.

HisBelovedOne

DFW... I've just realized that we're date twins now! (I hope that isn't a problem... it just happens to be the *only* day my family's available without completely overtaking the family reunion!)

SonaliPop

Sorry I've been SO MIA on the boards, love, but I think you and him need to do what YOU want. If they can fund this huge wedding, great - but they can't, you can't, and your family can't. Jeez, money doesn't grow on trees!

I'm sorry you're in this position and I am glad you guys are going to pre-marital counseling. If we weren't SUPER long distance, we'd do it too.

June sounds great Fill us in with updates.