Awful conversation with friend regarding my married life

SonaliPop

I went out last night with this friend of mine. We're both born and raised here in the states and come from very nontraditional backgrounds, especially in comparison to my future hubby.

My friend feels VERY STRONGLY that people shouldn't live with in laws before marriage, or at all, and she really pushed her views onto me. After struggling with this subject for months, my FH and I came to this stand still. I didn't want to move in with his parents and I wanted our own space and he was very much into what he wanted. After her constantly telling and telling me and telling me (and me trying hopelessly to explain that she doesn't understand the culture in London - that Indian people are very used to living with their in-laws and don't see it how we do here), that this isn't what I should do and I should try to get my way and try to get a few years alone, I burst into tears.

I don't know what to say to her because I am sure she will want to know an update, but I couldn't get her to understand. She isn't anytime close to getting married, she hasn't ever dated anyone with a traditional background, and I felt like her constant comments on the subject left me unsettled on how I felt.

When I came home, I woke up my FH and we talked it out with a lot of tears and stress and are unsure about our living situation. It is hard for me because I feel I am giving up everything (moving away from everything and everyone) to be with him and he has to consider his feelings (he has always considered living with his parents the norm and has wanted to do that) and his parents feelings (who would probably be hurt if they didn't live with us immediately). But I just want them all to compromise because I am willing to live with them and would be happy to - I just want us to have a few years to ourselves, I feel that as a young couple, we deserve that. I want them to consider how I might feel, too. I'm not taking away their son and I can't be the only one expected to give up dreams.

Does anyone have any pointers or help? I feel lost and especially hurt by my friends inability to stop with the subject. I basically let her know the topic is closed and he and I love eachother very much and want to stay together...but need to reach a compromise.

I know my feelings aren't unreasonable. I am willing to make everybody happy but feel that my feelings should be accounted for, too. My FH is not at all against the idea of living alone or a few years - he does see why one would want it and he wants those things too, but always thought that it wouldn't happen and that he and his future wife would live with their parents from the start.

The rest of his friends and my family in England all live with their in-laws initially but move out to live on their own in a house, no matter how traditional of a family they are from and it bothers me that we're the only ones who can't have that or who aren't having that...so I just want him to meet me in the middle. He wants us to all stay together to prove that it can work because he always told himself that he'd make it work because of the poor relationship his grandparents had with his Mom. He wants to prove that it can work and I am so frustrated.

Please tell me someone here can give me some words of advice. My other friends aren't getting married and the rest are all living here in the states - they don't have these traditional roles to fulfill.

I respect my future in laws and my partner and I want everyone to be happy. I just want to be included when decisions are being made and want my chance to have the things I want, even if it's not for forever.

jnsaini

Hey Sonali,

This is how I would think of this situation, nothing is set in stone, your hubby seems like a person who is willing to listen to your point of view too. I would say try to move in with the in laws, they sound sweet and type of people that will let you have your space. If the situation gets uncomfortable when living together, let him know without hesitation dont keep it to yourself. Then ask for a change in your living situation (like you were saying about living together for few yrs).
Compromise is a huge part of being in a marriage, and I think he would appreciate it if you let him know hey I am willing to give it a chance but you gotta be open to the idea of moving out incase we need to have more privacy. Also, no offense but dont take advice from friends to heart, take it with a grain of salt, no matter how close you are to your friend, she has no idea of what type of relationship you share with your FH, so her opinion is biased. Hope this helps..and feel better

nicky

mrs.khan

Your friend isn't the one engaged to your FH- you are.  It doesn't matter what any one else's opinion is, yours is the only one that counts.  What do you want? Are you willing to compromise your wants?  What are your limits?  It sounds like you need to put your foot down on what YOU are willing/not willing to compromise on.  People who are unsure never end up getting what they really want.  If your FH is unwilling to compromise on your "must haves" than maybe you should reconsider the future of your relationship.  You have the right to be happy and also have valid reasons for wanting what you want.  If he loves you, he will understand that.

Good luck!

Hinaj

Ditto Nicky all the way.  Take your friend's comment/advice with a grain of salt.  Because first she should be supportive of you and your decision instead of bashing on it.  Second, she is not in your situation and is only offering her her opinions, not anything pertaining to your situation.  Her feeling strongly is not that same as you.  If you STRONGLY FEEL that you should have a couple of years with FI living away from the in laws, then tell him that.  You have talked to your FH and he is not completely saying no to you.  So there is some wiggle room to work with. 

Or since you say that your In laws are great people and you get along with them, then try living with them after marriage.  And for some reason it just does not work out, bring that up with your FH.  At least you and he both will know that you tried, but it just couldn't happen for whatever reason. 

Also, I would make it clear to my friend that she has her own beliefs but those are not your beliefs and she should stop forcing them upon you because all she is doing is stressing you out.  Its a matter between you and your FI and you guys have to find the right compromise that works for the both of you, not just for one. 

SonaliPop

He and I talked it out and I told him how I felt and he said he very much understood me and my needs and that I should not be the only one compromising.

I never wanted this lifestyle but agreed that you know, after a few years, as they are getting older (they're not like my parents - my Mom isn't even 50 and my Dad is in his fifties, versus his parents who are 50 and almost 60). we both had the mutual wish to stay with them and look after them. I figure just because I am separated from MY parents, it doesn't mean I should separate him from his. He would be happy staying with them from beginning to end.

I told him I need a few years and he agrees that we need to compromise...now comes the issue of working it out. They live in a huge house that they built to have room for all of us. We live on the top floor (the third floor is ours with our bedroom and storage and bathroom - no one else has that space) and we have our own living room on the base level. We are worried about the damage this could cause to our relationship - I am worried they will blame me or be upset with me because I am the one who wants this and who wants some space.

We are really worried about the repercussions and them being upset and having their feelings hurt. I really would like in an ideal world for them to be understanding of how I feel but that isn't always the case.

Any advice on how to handle this? I think he should menion it to them. At the end of the day, we DO plan on living with them...I just wanted a few years to myself.

I know I'm right to consider what negative things could come from all of this. I don't want to upset my in laws and piss them off and ruin our relationship (or at least, tarnish it) before things start.

As for my friend, the subject is closed between us. Just as much as she shouldn't have bullied her point (because I know she said it for fear that I won't end up happy, she just did it the wrong way), I also shouldn't listen.

So that's the update.

Any pointers on how to handle this with the in laws? I figure he should put the idea out there and see what they think. They're not bad people, they are very reasonable and loving and though they aren't the most modern people, they are the most reasonable and fair in laws I could ask for. I know people whose in laws are a nightmare.

I told my FH that if this doesn't work out, that dog I wanted will just have to come sooner than later lol...they'll have to compromise on getting a dog!

lildevi15

I think one of the biggest issues is that you want to make everyone happy and aren't thinking about what will make YOU happy (and I'm totally guilty of doing this all the time too and prob. should take my own advice).  Your in-laws sound like great, reasonable people and whatever you and your FH decide, it sounds like they'll understand that you and FH want to get to know each other as husband and wife.  Have your FH talk to them, if you feel uncomfortable at first.

For what it's worth, I was born and grew up in the US too.  And if anything would happen to mine or my FH's parents, I'd want them to live with us immediately.  And when they get older, I'd want them to also live with us.  Our parents have done so much for us that it's only right that we reciprocate the love they gave us. That being said, all of our parents are healthy and capable of working (my dad's the oldest at 68), and they understand their children wanting to start their lives, much like I think your in-laws will.  Yeah they're in the UK and it's a bit different there, but marriage is all about bringing two families together and making it work.  And it sounds like your families have a solid foundation to find the middle ground.

SonaliPop

I feel the same way. If one of our parents was to pass and one parent was left alone, we wouldn't think twice - they would live with us! I would never want them to be alone, just like they wouldn't want that for us.

LilDevi, are you living with your in laws?

I am jus afraid of the rift it may cause or them getting upset or angry. I do not want to screw up a relationship that is good before things really happen.

His parents are retired - and they reitred young. His Dad receives a hefty pension and the house is big, to say the least. There is enough space for all of us to be alone and not to bother eachother. His sister is younger and un-married (the other is off and married already) and she has said that she doesn't want us to feel like we don't have any space to ourselves, and she has asked if we'd help her find a place to move so we could have more space as husband and wife. Everybody is very considerate of us.

Although his parents are retired, they are in good health. His Dad drives while his Mom does not - she doesn't have a driver's permit. That being said, his parents depend greatly on their son because he HAS taken the traditional role of the son. He makes it all happen, he does a lot for them, and even if we lived apart, he would continue to do so.

We aren't even engaged yet (but we will be in a few months, I suspect!) and he is the same with my parents. He wants them to see him as a son and love him like one, also. My Mom's mother is VERY ill and she happens to be in London with her family and he has been a god send. He takes her to the hospital, he goes to sit with my grandmother and phones her. He does a lot he doesn't have to, and I guess if I really wanted a good man who loved his family and took care of them, I have to be happy that I have that. His parents in turn have taken the back seat - they don't want to control us or anything, they want US to make decisions and they are happy for me to paint the house as I like, take the job I want, travel where I want to, and do the things I want to...there is no feeling of them being in control and him and I being subservient to them.

How would we bring this up to them?

lildevi15

Actually, no we aren't living w/ my in-laws.  My FI is from Germany, and we're in the States for at least another year after we get married.  If we go to Germany we'd need to be in a city with a university for my job and they live in a village (and they are very set on not moving).  They're also German and not Indian, which makes the living situation easy (which is probably also why I am not appalled w/ living with in-laws. . .I'd prob. be pretty feisty if I were asked to live w/ them IMMEDIATELY after our wedding).

I agree with Bells.  Would they be okay w/ living near you?  And it REALLY sounds like they'll be understanding w/ not living with them for the first few years.  As for bringing it up, I'm a fan of straight forward.  Just say it (nicely) to open up the communication, and again if you're uncomfortable, have your FH bring it up.