What do you call your ILs/FILs?

dublintomadras

I feel like I kind of dance around it a bit because I'm afraid of making a cultural faux pas.  They seem fine with me calling them by their first names and that's how my MIL signs her emails to me but that doesn't seem right.  Together, they sign all their cards "amma and appa," and my FIL always calls me his daughter not daughter in law and he signs his emails "appa."  What to do what to do??  (I am visiting them in a few weeks!)  And no, my husband is no help at all.

Meghana55

My mom is from the school of thought that DH and I should be calling each others mothers "Mom".  We both find this to be odd.  While we love each others moms, we only have one.  Right now, DH still calls my mom auntie, which I find odd.  I also dance around it.  I usually find ways to just not say anything, but sometimes "auntie" will slip because I've called her that for almost 5 years.    So, sorry I'm no help!  I'm hoping someone else will have a good idea :-)

katie978

Funny, I just got off the phone with FMIL who at one point said, "This is your mother speaking...."  But then a few minutes later told me she's my best friend (HAHA)They told me to drop the first names once we were engaged.  So they're Mum and Puppa.  It feels natural now but didn't at first.

nilaniluv

Actually its weird I usually don't find myself saying their names very often unless I call them specifically on the phone and the person I want to talk to didn't pick up but its usually from the first name. I don't call my parents by their traditional Sri Lankan parent names I call them Mommy and Daddy and it's always been that way since I could speak If I am introducing FIL to someone I say "this is FI's mom so and so" I guess I never noticed the tradition thing......

mastistyle

Dublin-I think it is so sweet he signs his emails with appa. Just as personal experience-I would not feel comfortable calling anyone older than me by their first name-it is always auntie or uncle. Would you feel comfortable calling them amma and appa? If so, I think thatis the way to go.

shilps2000

wow this is a tough one for me.   DH calls my mom and dad "mom and dad" he started doing it at the reception and my parents couldnt have been happier!! I on the other hand, havent been calling his parents anything.   I just cant say mom and dad to them, for me I only have one, its not just a name to me.   So when I get around to saying something, its probably gonna be "mummi" and "pappa"

DCbride09

Yeah, this is a hard one for me to.  I kind of dance around the issue and try to avoid it as much as possible.  I sent an email to FMIL shortly after we were engaged which addressed her by her first name, and she signed her response to me Mom.  But it feels weird to me to call someone else Mom and Dad.  I guess I'll have to get used to it and it will stop sounding strange?

dublintomadras

Nice to hear that so many of you are confused like me!  I definitely couldn't call them dad or mom but I also couldn't call them auntie or uncle just because I've never done that.  The first time I met them, I called them Mr. & Mrs. CrazylongSouthIndianlastname but I can't call them that now, either.  I think maybe I'll continue to dance around the issue and occasionally call them amma/appa.  I'm thinking all of this will be settled when we produce grandkids and I can just call them the Tamil names for grandma/grandpa!

Meghana55

D2M - Good point!  when kids are in the pictures it'll be so much easier.  We'll just start using the Kannada words for grandparents :-)

jigna829

My FMIL told me shortly after we got engaged that i can now call her mom / mummy and his father "papa", but i feel weird calling them that because for me, i only have one mom and dad. I am still calling FIL's auntie and uncle. The other day my FMIL called me and she was like hi this is FI's mom, so i am guessing me calling her auntie if fine by her. I know FI does not want to call my parents mom and dad either because he feels weird calling them that and i am okay with it and he asked me not to call his parents mom/dad if i don't feel comfortable. We shall see how it goes after we get married.

SwanTheDuck

I've been dancing around the what to call my ILs issue too - I've been calling them auntie & uncle, which doesn't seem right (that's also how FI addresses my parents). I don't think either of us wants to call the other's parents "mom & dad" cause we wouldn't feel comfortable with that either. dublin - I'd go with amma & appa - I think the more you use it, it'll just sound like their names and it'll become second nature to you. I also don't know how to address FI's older sisters - I know I should technically be calling them by the Telugu word for "sister-in-law" but it just sounds so odd when I say it I just avoid addressing them directly by name. I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one trying to figure this out!

erin&andy

swan - are amma and appa the telugu words you would use when addressing a parental figure?  My FIL's still address themselves as Dr. FI'slastname (they are both drs.).  So I don't get to call them anything familial or intimate.  I get to use their last names.  That kinda makes me sad.  I thought it would be nice to call them something other than their last names.  I'm not asking for Mom or Dad, but SOMETHING that's not so crushingly formal.   Sigh.. Maybe after the wedding?

Nicole Krish...

I decided early on to call them Mom & Dad. I wanted them to accept me as their daughter, so why not accept them as my new set of parents (not a replacement set, just an additional set)? They have never liked amma & appa titles, and DH has grown up calling them Mom/Mommy & Dad/Daddy. I figure that DH & I are "one" person now, so I should adopt all the titles he uses, and he should in turn do the same with my Mom & Dad. I notice it makes all the ILs feel so warm & fuzzy when we call them Mom & Dad. I didn't know how THEY would feel about me suddenly calling them Mom & Dad, so I started slowly in emails & while talking in 3rd person. Eventually I have worked my way up to calling them Mom & Dad to their face, but it's still a little awkward. I just keep at it! On a related note, I CANNOT call his maternal uncle Mama (which is what DH calls him). I use his first name. This got me a bit of heat from FIL, but I stood my ground that there was NO WAY I was calling a man Mama. I'm not even comfortable with Uncle for some reason. DH calls Mama's wife by her first name, but she should technically be "Mami." This is what made DH side with me b/c these Mama/Mami names are just ridiculous!

katie978

I understand, Nicole!  We are Mama & Mami to our niece and nephew, and I call all of FMIL's brothers Mama.  It was definitely weird at first!  I think its particularly weird for the niece and nephew to call me Mami since of course all their friends call their moms mommy.  Thankfully they call their mom Mummy so its a little bit different.Did anyone who grew up SA encounter this issue?  Telling friends at school your mama & mami were visiting and having nobody understand?And don't even get me started on FFIL's brothers!  I find it the hardest to call grown men Kaka!  ha ha

SwanTheDuck

erin, the words for mom & dad in Telugu are amma and nana (I think amma is the word for mother is most Indian languages). What I find strange about "nana" is that it is also used as a term of affection, so you can call your father "nana" and your father can also call you "nana" and in that context it would mean the same as "dear." Obviously, it all makes sense in context, but I still find it funny.

wdc*bride

I specifically asked them what I should call them when we first got engaged. I wanted to use first names, but I had thus far been calling them "Dr." and "Mrs." They did not want me to call them by their first names and thought this would be inappropriate. They first suggested that I call them "mom" and "dad," said that this was what their friends' daughters and sons in law did. But I didn't like that because I already have a mom and dad. I call them "umma" and "uppa", mom and dad in Malayalam. I don't love it, but since it doesn't have associations with my own parents, this is better. I'm slowly getting used to it. It's amazing to me that in a language with different terms for older brother, younger brother, mother's brother, father's older brother, father's younger brother, father's father, mother's father .... etc., they don't have a word for father-in-law. How was that oversight made?

Nicole Krish...

hehehe...good point wdc!

Rye's Bread

Our mothers decided that we were to call them both "mom."  They both love it and are okay with the other being called "mom," so we do.  I have a hard time calling his dad "dad" but I have done it occasionally to make DH happy.  I don't talk to him often so it's not usually a problem.  I agree that it will be easier when kids are in the picture and we can call them whatever the kids call them!

Lil_miss_sha

I call FI's mom and dad "Ammi" and "Tata" (respectively).  I always called them that because it's what all of FI's friends call them.  In fact, when I called them aunty and uncle they gave me wierd looks and corrected me...lol.  However, FI calls my parents aunty and uncle.  That'll probably change to mom and dad (or mummy and papa) once we're married.

ESJ'sBride

In the area where my folks grew up- there is a word for MIL that is kind of affectionate and obviously not the same as Amma. It is actually the word Aunt- but used in a different context.  I don't know if anyone else has names for family members based on gender. For example: with my dad's side of the family since he is a male, all of his brothers are considered my 'dads' too. They will be labeled as 'big dad' and 'small dad' for my dads older brothers and younger brothers respectively along with their wives being called 'big mom' and 'little mom' instead of the words uncle and aunt. This also translates into their children becoming our 'brothers and sisters' since the parents are our 'parents' as well. My dad's sisters get the term 'aunt' (also distinguished as big and small) and their husbands are called big or small 'uncle'.  The same word for my dads sisters as 'Aunt' is what a MIL would be called. Hope that wasn't too confusing- FI was totally lost when we tried to explain that to him.

Meghana55

ESJ - What is the word for MIL in Kannada?  It's atthe (sp?), right?

ESJ'sBride

Yep- it's Atthe. I actually like it and don't feel weird about it being the word for "aunt" as well.