How to deal with add-ons?

sistergh

We had our first invitation add-on recently (see the Mystery post below).  We're sort of thinking of just dealing with this one if it's the only one, but we're hoping to figure out how to get the message out so we don't get anymore.  We're thinking of adding some language to our website, but no clue what we'd write.  Any suggestions?

Meghana55

I saw your post below.  He added his brother too!  That's weird haha.  I would make FI tell him to shove off haha.  I wouldn't add anything to the website.  I think that may come off as being a bit passive agressive.  Personally, as they come in, I would just contact them individually and just let them know that there are space concerns with the venues and if you receive a decent amount of no's, then you may be able to accommodate.  I don't think it's necessary to add anything to announce it to the masses, because in reality you're only going to have a handful of people who will add someone on.  And if you're budget allows for it (and the added person is someone you at least know haha), then letting a couple slide isn't a huge deal.  But with your FI's friend in particular, I would call him.  Bringing the wife is cool, but adding your brother isn't. 

sistergh

FI's never met his friend's wife and thinks the third person, the woman's name, MAY be friend's wife (of course invited), but it may also be the brother's wife, which would be doubly uncool.  I guess I'm annoyed about the friend's brother, but since I don't know the friend from Adam, fi'd have to do the contacting, and he is concerned about what the relatively-newly-arrived Indians like this friend will think.  Space isn't really so much of a concern (although if we can get below 150 we can have a much nicer meal), but lodging is since we're in a rural area with limited accomodations.  I just HATE telling people I know that they can't come and not inviting some friends when the brother and potentially the brother's wife get to come.  But I think I'm sucking this one up for now unless it happens again.  I just REALLY don't want it to happen again.   

Meghana55

Uggh I'm sorry that's really frustrating.  Especially because there are people you could have invited in place of these people.  I would sit your FI down and explain to him that it's just not cool to do this and who cares what the indian crowd says.  This isn't India, and they have to learn to accept that people don't throw weddings the same way here.  Explain to him that he needs to talk to his friend, or it will get out of control.  And explain how it's completely unfair that just because he doesn't want to talk to his friend about this, that other friends of yours go uninvited.  Plus, if you guys are doing assigned tables, won't he have to call his friend anyway to figure out exactly who is coming?....if you're making placecards

sistergh

We'll only do assigned tables if we get below 150, which may not happen anyway.  If we're above 150 we stick with the food stations, and I don't care so much who comes then (within reason) if everyone has a room.  I may talk to fi again about this and get him to talk to the friend.  The friend's going to know plenty of people there, and I really don't get why they're bringing the brother anyway, so I don't see the friend not coming over this (which may be fi's concern - he'd really like to have this guy there on top of the this-is-how-it's-done-in-India thing). 

jigna829

I don't think you should put anything on your website. I had a similar situation with a friend that wanted to bring a plus 1 who I had never met and didn't know. I would suggest calling the people on a case by case basis and letting them know that they cannot bring a plus one. Ofcourse , if you know the plus one and are okay with them attending, lyou don't need to do anything . It can be annoying and frustrating so good luck!

sistergh

Yeah, I'm prepared to call and tell my friends and family no if they rsvp for uninvited people, but I guess fi is just not comfortable yet with it given the way things happen in India.  I think he'd rather try to give people the hint (through the website or elsewhere) so they don't add people.  But I guess I need to talk to him and he needs to just talk to these folks.  The bad thing is I'm not convinced some of my rural Southern relatives won't just substitute people at the last minute who weren't invited, so I feel bad coming down on his friends.  I see this all the time.  It usually doesn't show up on the rsvp card, though, so there's no way of stopping it in advance.  It usually doesn't add guests, although sometimes it does.  But there's this mentality of, for example, "one of my kids was invited, but they'd rather stay home and hang out with their friends, so I'll bring random other friend of other kid."  Or, "I know so-and-so relative's going to no-show, so it's okay if I bring my brand-new-boyfriend/best friend/neighbor."  Pretty annoying.