esj'sbride and other hindu/catholic brides...help please!!

PamelaGtoBe

so i had a chat with the priest today and he told me that there is "no way" to do the two ceremonies, even if both were here in the US. i know this can't be the truth because of all the hindu/catholic knotties that are here!!!!! i am really frustrated and hurt about the whole thing.he said the law would not allow for it at all...so how did you ladies work it? even if we had the catholic one first, we would still be limited to just that ceremony and that, to me, is not fair nor is it respectful of DrGtoBe's heritage. he essentially told me my soul "would be in peril". :(also, he said participating in the hindu ceremony would be like renouncing my faith?!?!?! i think it is unique and beautiful and give it all the respect it deserves!!!! that does not equal renouncing!! sorry for the long post, but i am just interested in seeing how you all worked around this...i think i will need to start interviewing priests to find one who is a little more broad minded...(i am a very unhappy catholic right now, boo!!)

sistergh

I'm not Roman Catholic. I have no clue about what they'll allow and what they won't, but there have to be folks who know. If you get really fed up, I'm an Episcopalian (aka Catholic-lite) and it hasn't been a problem in the Episcopal Church at all, at least not with the priests we've dealt with. :-) And there are no restrictions on how we bring up any kids we have, either, which I know can be an issue with RCs. I'm sure that somebody I know of somebody FI knows must have had a similar pairing, though. If I think of someone, I'll let you know what they say. Is this your family priest? Do you know someone else who might do the ceremony? Maybe a non-denominational minister who will use the Catholic liturgy? This sucks that you're dealing with this. It's hard enough having an interfaith marriage when folks around you are accomodating, I can't imagine dealing with nonsense like this.

jessiegirl_98

It was different for us because we did a general Chritisian/Hindu ceremony together. I think it would be more difficult to do a Catholic/Hindu ceremony together due to the strong beliefs of some Catholic priests. My friends did this and they had to do 2 totally seperate ceremonies. One in a Catholic church and then one in a banquet hall. Are you trying to do this or are you trying to do this together? All of that being said, keep shopping for better priests!

PamelaGtoBe

sistergh...well i have a 'layman's' copy of the catechism of the catholic church, and have tried to decipher things from there but it didn't help too much, so my parents had me talk to the family priest (i guess he is that...he has been to a lot of the major functions). he is a great priest but really sticks to the letter of catholic law i just wish that overall they would be more flexible!!! with how diverse the world is becoming, i would think they would want to encourage interfaith couples as an act of peace or something!! and yes, the children...some priests make you sign a paper to promise you will raise the kids catholic...i just want them to be good people who live by the golden rule. if they want to be catholic, great. but i wouldn't want to force it on them. thanks for your kind words!!! i will be looking for another priest...and you are so right. it IS nonsense!! DrGtoBe had some choice words when he heard about it.... jessie...you are very right, it would be tough to do the combined thing. but that really isn't an option for us since his grandparents have requested a wedding in India...he is also the oldest grandchild/grandson, so it is a really big deal for them, and i would not want to take this experience away from any of them. we want to do the two separate, and the priest said no!! and there i am, saying to him on the phone, "well, these girls on the Knot, they did it and it was fine!!!" it was the "soul in peril" thing that got me. i know he is a priest and all, but i think that is for the Almighty to decide... thanks ladies

ESJ'sBride

Hi Pamela,This is long- but I hope it will help you...Our Hindu ceremony is going to be a religious ceremony but not in a 'legal' sense. Meaning that the Hindu priest will not sign a marriage certificate. So it will remain a union in our memories alone. There will be a pooja with the traditional elements such as the 7 steps and tying of the mangalsutra. When we are married in his church- his priest will sign the marriage certificate to be sent back to NY state to have our marriage recognized legally. We then plan on having a smaller Ganesh pooja after the Catholic ceremony to share with our guests prior to our reception. The Catholic Church my FI grew up in has become very relaxed about some of the rules that used to exist as they were losing a lot of church members to other parish's. I assume that your church is not worried about that.  Is there an interfaith pre-cana option for you both to do? Or would they require him to become baptized before your nuptials? I hope if you can explain to the priest he may understand better that the Hindu religion is extremely open to other faiths and that the ceremony consists of promises and vows from the bride and groom to each other which in no way contradict the messages of the Catholic Church. There is no promising of future children to be raised in the Hindu faith as is in the Catholic faith. It may be seen as a polygod faith but the Hindu religion believes these 'gods' are all different forms of one god. Just as there is the Father, Son and the Holy Spirit. Is your FI a U.S citizen? If he is not- I would find out if he would require proof of marriage from the Hindu Ceremony in India if he is an Indian citizen. Another option is to perhaps get married in your Catholic union prior to the Hindu ceremony. I still encourage that you are honest with your priest about your plans. The Hindu ceremony can be purely religious with no legal certificates to worry about. I hope that helps!

dublintomadras

I feel your pain!  As I said before, I was going through the exact same thing two months before our wedding.  I came on here and several other Hindu Catholic brides -- Tejal, NicoleKrish and others -- reassured me that everything kind of varies from parish to parish and that while some priests are huge sticklers, others are way more relaxed.  I cannot believe your priest said your soul would be in peril!  I can't offer too much advice because my Catholic priest just conveniently kind of "forgot" about our Hindu ceremony and all was well.  If I were you, I would continue to emphasize that the Catholic ceremony will be your legally binding union and that you guys are committed to following Catholic traditions.  (We actually will be raising our not-yet-born kids Catholic because my husband is not religious and faith is more important to me than him, so we were prepared to make that statement -- and plus, we signed an agreement during our interfaith pre-cana sessions.)  Is there any way you can kind of convince the priest that the Hindu ceremony is more of a "blessing" than a full-on marriage ceremony?  This may not be completely truthful, but that's how I viewed our Hindu ceremony and it sounds like, in your heart, that's how you view yours, too.  Sister, going to an Episcopal church isn't an option for Catholics if they want a union that is recognized and by the Catholic church.  Yes, the traditions are so similar, but they diverge on the big points (communion, authority of the pope).  Technically, the church believes that if a Catholic marries outside of the church, the marriage doesn't "count."  So it's a big deal to follow the rules, etc. Now, Pamela, if you aren't super traditional or don't plan to practice your Catholic faith, going outside of the church may be an option for you. 

jar297

I feel your pain!  I have had to deal with the same issue.  Essentially, as I understand it, a marriage is not considered valid in the eyes of the Catholic church unless the spouse is "at least some sort of Christian."  So for that reason it was impossible for us to be married by my parish priest.  Plus, most Catholic priests will not marry couples outside of the actual physical structure of a church which was an issue for me. A friend of mine helped me find a solution that works for me.  We will be married in a Catholic ceremony outdoors conducted by an ordained priest - that is, a resigned or retired Roman Catholic priest, or one that "left" the Catholic priesthood to get married.  They are very open to interfaith marriages.  It is still not considered a valid marriage in the eyes of the Church, but is legal in the eyes of the law and is a Catholic ceremony.  After the Catholic ceremony we will have a Hindu ceremony (same day).  There is a list of such priests at www.rentapriest.com. Funny website name, I know!  Good luck and let me know how it turns out.

dublintomadras

Jar, you can definitely be married in the Catholic church if your partner isn't some sort of Christian.  The priest who marries you just has to apply for special dispensation from the diocese for the Catholic partner to marry someone outside of the faith.  It sounds incredibly bureaucratic -- and in a way, it is -- but they do it all the time and our priest filled out the paper, mailed/faxed/emailed it in and bam, we were allowed to be married.  It was all part of our pre-Cana process.

jar297

That is good to know!  Truthfully I didn't investigate it very much.  My parish priest was very inflexible and ultimately we decided to do both ceremonies in one place.  I decided I'm okay doing it this way since I am not very religious . . .

dublintomadras

Yep, the Catholic church really doesn't offer flexibility in terms of where you get married (ceremony must be inside a physical church -- except for this one parish in St. Augustine, FL because it's the site of the first Catholic church in America, or something along those lines.  Random trivia for ya!)  There's little flexibility in terms of the ceremony, either (certainly no dancing down the aisle ala that Youtube video).  But I never even thought about any other place to be wed because the idea of walking down the aisle in the church I grew up in, following the customs I pretty much knew by heart was super important to me.  It's all about choices!

sistergh

Yeah, not necessarily suggesting the Episcopal Church as a first choice here, just commenting on the "very unhappy" part. I know that these kind of things are what lead a lot of folks to leave the RC church. And if you aren't prepared to raise kids as only RC or only Christian, then it can be tough. I just feel really lucky in that sense in the Episcopal Church. But there are probably ways around it within the RC tradition, which is probably the best place to start.

PamelaGtoBe

esj'sbride...that is exactly what i want to do. the hindu ceremony will not be the official one...the catholic one will make it final. the priest i was communicating with lives out in pittsburgh and is a family friend, and i had thought that he would be more understanding. but i get what you are saying about people wanting to leave the Church over instances like this. whatever happened to peace and understanding? we will be participating in pre-Cana prep but i will not be asking him to convert, and there is no reason for that. and you are correct that Hinduism is very open...much more open than my Catholic fait, i am learning. DrGtoBe was born and raised here, so there is no issue (as far as i am aware) with having a strictly religious/cultural ceremony held in India. thank you!! dublin...I KNOW!!! the whole "peril" thing really threw me and basically made me feel like i belonged under a rock. i don't think any spiritual leader should ever make you feel that way about yourself. he also told me that my simple participation in the Hindu ceremony would basically be tantamount to my "rejection of the Catholic faith". i am not rejecting ANYTHING here!! rather i am really trying to be accepting of something new and different. i do plan on practicing my faith as it is a part of how i was raised, so i really do want to make it work. knowing that there are knotties out there who have accomplished this does make me feel better!!! and i am glad i have a lot of time to work it out....thank you!!! jar...i love the rentapriest thing!!! made me smile when i read it but they do not recognize it in the Church? i wonder if having a deacon perform the marriage rite would make a difference.... thanks everyone for all of the advice so far!!! i think i just need to look and pray to find a priest who is more understanding...my former parish out here in eastern Pa was a multicultural parish (masses in Portugese, Spanish and English)...maybe they will be more understanding???

Knottie_22382024

I am not the Catholic one, DH is.  Our Catholic priest is a friend of DH's family and he even came to the Hindu ceremony.  The church where we had our Catholic ceremony didn't seem to mind although their "official" stance is that two ceremonies are not allowed.  We did Catholic first and Hindu second and the Catholic one is the "legal" one, but that was more for my convenience of where the marriage cert would be filed than anything else.  My advice?  Keep looking! 

PamelaGtoBe

thank you tejal...i think it is all a matter of finding someone who isn't so strict and actually can have an appreciation for two different traditions as we all do. i have actually be in touch with a rabbi in nj (neither one of us is jewish) who does interfaith ceremonies with a catholic priest (www.interfaithclergy.com), and he has kindly given me the names/numbers of some catholic priests in my area that he thinks could help... i don't want to not tell the priest that there will be a wedding in india, i just want him to understand that i am not shunning my faith...rather i am trying to celebrate it!

dublintomadras

Pamela, that's a really good idea (getting in touch with official Catholic priests who are open to interfaith ceremonies)!  Keep us posted on how things go.

aquariogirl

Hi there, I'm in the same boat, 7 weeks before my wedding. Initially I was fine with having only a Hindu wedding, (I'm catholic). I have my religiong and my faith in my heart and always believe that there the same God, just different ways we get to him. So I embrace the hindu religion, but never will give up mine, it is part of who I'm.Lately I thought abotu my dad who passed away and was very religious and thought that he would have loved to walk me though the aisle in a church the day of my wedding. If he was alive I would have definitely had a catholic ceremony already planned. But I let things pass and now that the date is getting closer and I'm getting to understand more and more the hindu ceremony, I felt something was missing. Now I want to have a catholic ceremony as well, I thought a blessing. But I learned that there are so many restrictions.....I'll do some research and hopefully will find a priest and church that will be wiling to do it. I hope I find someone who is a little open minded.

dublintomadras

Aquario, if you have 7 weeks to go, you probably won't be able to find a Catholic priest available to do a blessing/do a formal marriage ceremony.  To get married in the church, you and your fiance have to go through pre-cana counseling and a bunch of paperwork, etc.  It sounds like you are really open-minded, though, so maybe you could find a non-Catholic priest or someone who has left the priesthood (ala rentapriest.com) who would co-officiate your Hindu ceremony.  If you check out the South Asian bio, there are some bios there of brides who had Hindu ceremonies with Christian pastors co-officiating.  You can do things like have prayers of the faithful, the sign of the peace, maybe even the Lord's Prayer.  Good luck.  And as someone who also didn't have her dad there on her wedding day, hugs to you.  I totally felt my dad's presence, though, and it was really great and comforting.

Nicole Krish...

Hey Pamela...sorry it took me so long to respond to your email, but now I'm wondering how you (& the other girls) have resolved (or are still trying to resolve) this issue. Give us an update!

PamelaGtoBe

hi nicole!! i am in the process of replying to you...i haven't forgotten. just want to make sure i get it all in (out?).... so far, no luck in finding anyone yet....i went to mass with my parents last week and felt myself getting really upset...this priest has really gotten under my skin. my dad came up with the idea of not telling the catholic priest at all about the indian celebration...and that is looking more and more appealing. who are they to judge, really? and as far as the two ceremonies rule...i have friends who have gotten married once in the US as the legal/religious one, then gone for a destination wedding in aruba/hawaii/etc...and apparently that is against the rules also... i think i will look into some of the university chaplains here in the valley, just to see if they will be available to perform the ceremony. the whole thing still has me pretty shaken up though.... thanks for checking in!

dublintomadras

Pamela, you're right.  So many people (well, a fair few people, anyway) get married in Vegas or a courthouse or whatever for maybe immigration or legal reasons and then have their "real" wedding in the church at a later date.  It's almost as if your Hindu ceremony is the same, in your eyes.  Lying to the church might not be the best thing, but maybe engaging in a don't ask/don't tell re: the Hindu ceremony wouldn't be so bad. Definitely check with university chaplains.  We had our pre-cana at a nearby Catholic university and the priest, a Jesuit, was so incredibly nice and open minded.  Jesuits are known for being intellectual/curious about other religions (our priest had a PhD in world religious studies), so maybe you'll have good luck there.