Marriage Article: Arranged Marriage

SonaliPop

http://nymag.com/nymetro/news/culture/features/11621/

Thoughts, ladies?

xoxo

HisBelovedOne

Bit of a disclaimer - being white, I won't necessarily have the same perceptions and opinions as some others here might have. I don't mean to offend; please take my comments with a grain of salt.

My first thought? These are grown adults. What's this "the boy" and "the girl" business? We aren't arranging a playdate for grade schoolers here.

My second thought - while arranged marriage may seem like a good idea in theory, it scares me. The thought of only knowing my future spouse for a week (in my FIL's case) before being legally bound to them for an eternity is not something I'd be willing to do. I like to take my time, get to know a person, and decide if his personality will fit with mine. Maybe Indian parents know their kids REALLY well, but my parents only see what they want to see in me; they don't know me well enough to choose my husband for me. And I'm not willing to risk an abusive, controlling, or neglectful husband just because my parents wanted to "secure my eternal happiness" (quoted from the article). That would most assuredly make me eternally UNhappy.

Beside that point, parents don't know the intended spouse when they choose them - and no parent is going to tell the downsides of their son's or daughter's personality to the parents of their child's possible future spouse. It's true that my FMIL likes to announce to me that FI is lazy (he can be, but mostly isn't), stupid (he isn't) and childish (sometimes he is, but mostly, he isn't) to me, but she's been trying to warn me away since we first started dating. I know she was planning on arranged marriages for her boys, and I'm certain that she would be telling potential brides' parents that he was smart, mature, and honest (which he is!)

I SINCERELY hope that the whole worry of "what boy will marry her when he finds out" that she FELL FROM A WINDOW and broke her arm (as a TODDLER!) is specific to those parents. Good Christ, like THAT matters? Toddlers are clumsy! They fall!

Ok, page 2 - "doctor" and "engineer" (also "lawyer") are precisely what my parents pushed me toward when I got to be 20ish. Not choosing who, exactly, but trying to inch me toward a particular profession for my husband-I-hadn't-met-yet. Nevermind that both of MY parents are bankers who make enough money for us to live comfortably. So that's probably a pretty common thing across most cultures - parents want their kids (especially daughters, it seems) to marry someone with money.

On this page, she says she was "baffled by the Western norms of dating." So am I, and I grew up surrounded by these "norms." But I never dated as the author described in the article. I've always been pretty picky about my partners and only had a bad run of things when I stopped being picky and started being "lonely," for lack of a better word. I allowed myself to become more lax in my choices and found a short string of guys who didn't treat me well (a couple of them cheated on me and one was abusive), and after that I didn't date for a year and a half. Then I started getting REALLY choosy again - there was a short relationship with a nice, sweet, gentlemanly guy (he moved across the state and the long distance thing didn't work for us). Then another year before I met FI, and two months before we started dating. I like to think that, for the most part and barring those three guys when I was 18, 19, and 20, I make good choices when it comes to guys. Most of the guys I dated were wonderful guys, but they weren't the right fit for a husband for me.

I understand that the divorce rate here is higher. People choose the wrong person to begin with, or they don't place enough value on their marriage and give up at the first sign of trouble. Many are also under the assumption that once you're married you no longer have to "try," which is complete and utter bullspit. I consider marriage sacred (as much as an agnostic can, anyway; divorce is not an option I want to ever consider) and I have many strong values - it matters to me that I choose a partner who is like minded in that respect. And anyone in a good (happy, fulfilling, and lasting) relationship can attest to the fact that you have to keep working at it to make it last; regular quality time and growing WITH a person are important. Too many couples use the cop-out of "we grew apart" when they get a divorce. This is because when you say you want to grow old with someone, (ETA the following) the emphasis should be on the growing part, not the old part. The key to a strong, lasing, happy marriage are not necessarily "let my parents pick because they know best." It's choosing the right partner to start with, sticking to it through everything, and appreciating each other as the marriage progresses.

Not many notes and opinions on the last page of the article. Again, sorry if I inadvertently offended anyone. That wasn't my intent.

kpwedkk

After reading that article, a lot of similarities came to mind - Who here hasn't had the daunting experience of your parents trying to forge an alliance with another family, and a boy whom you hardly know?

After many years of trying to do the hook-ups, and traversing the world in search for the right one, I did something kind of unspeakable - I turned to technology, and logged onto these matrimonial sites. 

I was strickened by the amount of falseness on those sites.  People put up their bio-data/resume's for life and put their characteristics etc.  Wheatish and your picture doesn't go?!  Hello!  You smoke, but you don't disclose that on your profile. And oh darn, you don't make that much, and are waiting for some green card holder to come along and make your day!

Okay, well once you start going through and finding the geniune guys, then you might have a fighting chance.  But what happens when you are not talking to the guy, but the guy's family?  We got into an incident where the parents of this guy wanted to spend a week with us.  It was like trying to be accomodating, and after a week, threw them out.  Their son, was happily interested in other people, and had no idea that this was going on.  That was the end of that relationship.

I agree, after I met KK, and talked with his parents, and his parents talked with mine, there was some sort of an accordance.  We all had open minds, and we started dating, then engagement, and then marriage

I wouldn't put down online dating / matrimonial sites, but you do have to sift through a lot of Garbaaage to find someone that geniunely has the same, and a lot of different interests that you do.

As far as the arranged marriage thing goes, it's good to be on good terms with the FILs from the get-go, and that everyone agrees that we can start the institution of marriage college together.  Those that don't get that opportunity may face some hardship that this "girl" isn't right for my "boy" or vice versa.