Alone with FMIL tomorrow - Help.

HisBelovedOne

Tomorrow I'm supposed to go to Tampa - alone - with my  FMIL to pick up my sari (FI is working, FBIL is in NYC for the summer and FFIL is busy with something else). The concept is a bit daunting to me. FFIL is accepting, but FMIL is still very cold to me. She is rather vocal about her dislike for American women. A friend of mine and FI's lives with them, and has since become friends with FI's mom. Jess (who is also working tomorrow) told me that she drew her out by asking her questions about growing up in India. I've tried that route, as well as other safe topics like cooking, but FMIL doesn't say much to me when prompted, and she doesn't start conversations with me at all.

I'm meant to spend two or three hours alone with her tomorrow, and I don't want it to be all awkward and silent. She's still very cold and distant with me, and I'm not sure what to talk to her about without inadvertently offending her - I'm rather outspoken about things that are important to me, and our values, tastes, and opinions differ a bit. For example, she feels a woman's place is in the home and behind her husband, and I feel a woman's place is beSIDE her husband, if she has one, and not necessarily in the home. She places a lot of importance on physical appearance (I don't really put a lot of effort or attention into that) and has an intense love for expensive fine jewelry (I like fine jewelry, but I prefer handmade or unique pieces). I'm not saying that either of us is wrong- we're just opposite. It just leaves me at a loss about what to talk about. Any ideas?

amberlynned

I usually talk about work, family, or the wedding with my FMIL.

If I were you, I'd ask her what her wedding was like an then after shes done, tell her what details you have planned. (details that are alike. no need to tell her again how different you two are)

Have you guys chosen a priest? Maybe you can talk to her about who she would like for the job. Once I gave my FMIL the freedom to do things for the wedding in the Indian community, she was out of my hair a bit.

Also, im my opinion, I would not disagree with her aloud anymore. Just because you two don't see eye to eye, doesn't mean you need to discuss how opposite you are. Whenever I disagree with something my FILs say (which is often) I just don't say anything. It makes the conversations so much smoother. Because sometimes its not worth it. LOL

P.S. If all else fails with this woman, I'd just remind her that one day you will give birth to her grandchildren and if she wants to be apart of their lives, she better start treating you right. That woman needs to know which side her bread is bettered on!

Sorry if that was harsh. LOL. I meant no harm in my comment

Jeff and Deepthi

I agree. my FMIL didn't like me at first. I started going over there almost once a week to have her warm up to me and my FBIL also talked to her a lot on my behalf. I mostly stuck with talk about family and wedding. I would ask her if she needed help with something and she would always give me something to cut up. I'll be going shopping with her soon too and it's a little better cause she's warming up to me more. I don't tell her when I think she wrong or disagree with something. She's sweet cause she says, "You'll end up doing what you want to do anyways" and that's cause of the boys. I also let her take care of my FI in the way she wants to. If he gets hurt over there, he fell off the roof once, then she can take care of it, but she actually allowed me to put alcohol on and everything. It's how i knew she finally accepted me.

I don't know if that helps, but sorry for rambling.

mrs.khan

Good luck, Bells.  That's just an uncomfortable situation every way you look at it.
I agree with the Amberly in that I would try to avoid disagreeing with her aloud.  I think that it would be like a double strike because she would probably take it that you are being insolent and disrespecting your elders (ie. her), and she will hear that you are saying that she is wrong (which you are probably just saying that there are other ways besides her way). Some things I might bring up to talk with her are weddings- her wedding, her relatives' weddings, weddings she has attended. You can express your interest in the varied customs and traditions and ask her what some of the things mean.  Even if you already know, it will keep her talking.
It might even be a good time for a heart to heart chat and tell her how you looking forward to the wedding and to be married to your FI and that you know that you will have a happy married life together, etc and hope that you can develop a closer relationship with her. I think that if you keep your tone and body language positive, than you might actually get somewhere with her. From your other post, it sounds like you guys already mae a lot of progress.

SonaliPop

Sometimes, you need to just keep your true thoughts to yourself - especially where heated topics are concerned. Don't discuss them if they cause arguments - you both have had enough issues already. Stick to interests, her married life. Ask her for advice and make her feel needed and respected. Yes, sometimes you have to bend and do a bit more work than her, but that's how it is for any relationship in which both parties are not so comfortable with eachother. Sometimes, one needs to reach out.

SonaliPop

So, how did it go?