Intercultural Dilemma - Help!

amtutak31

My fiancé and I are having an Indian/American fused wedding ceremony and reception.  My fiancé is very close with all of his extended family, as he tells me is custom for Indian families. I, on the other hand, am not close at all with my extended family. He wants to invite all of his out-of-town family members, close to 30, to the rehearsal dinner. My dinner guest list totals 4, for my immediate family. The conflict is that I feel like the rehearsal dinner then just turns into a family reunion for his side of the family, and that my 4 family members will feel incredibly out of place. We probably will not have a formal “rehearsal” of the ceremony.  There is no wedding party; we are not having bridesmaids, groomsmen, etc, so I question if there is really any need to have a “rehearsal” dinner. I had just envisioned a small dinner the night before with just our immediate family members, but he is saying that he feels obligated to invite all of his family since they have flown in, and that this is a big part of his Indian culture. Is there a middle ground, or do I just go along? 

britishmi

Indian weddings dont really have rehersal dinners, all i could suggest is that the night before, he can have dinner with his family and you can have it with yours seperately, therefore it will be some down time or alone time before the big day

temurlang

Although DH is not close to his extended family, he does consider it the norm to include far more people in any event or activity than I think is fun or necessary.  We frequently end up with situations such as 16 people show up for dinner instead of 8, someone's elderly relative comes on (and prevents) a hike, or someone thinks they can bring their kids to a bar or club.  So yes, that's a cultural difference.

Some ideas for you regarding your RD:

Who is paying?  If your FI's parents are paying, you may not have much choice.  If you and he are paying, maybe you can try to limit the number based on cost.  We had a smaller RD because we really needed to minimize that cost (most of our guests were OT, and it easily could have gotten out of hand).  It worked out well and I really couldn't have done a bigger event the night before the wedding.

Would your FI consider a family reunion (without your family) on one evening when people come into town, and a smaller "official" RD the night before the wedding?

Or, could you do the big inclusive RD early, and then the night before the wedding have just the immediate families meet at home?

Have you told your FI your concerns about your family being included?  It's important everyone feels included, but I think the bride's parents do get special priority.  I had huge problems throughout the wedding process with who gets included etc.

If you do end up with the one big RD, does your FI have any particular relative that you can ask to help make sure your family is included?

rsmehta

We had a very similar situation to yours.  FI is Indian, but his immediate and extended family only contains 8-9 people, where as my immediate + extended is like 50 people.  It is definitely a cultural thing to invite your extended family to pre-wedding events.  A lot of them travel from out of town and would be very offended if they were not included in the festivities.  Originally FI's family wanted to have a small rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding, limiting to 20 people on my side.  There is no way this would have worked for us because we would not be able to invite some people and not others.  In the end, they compromised and are throwing a large party on Friday night with the deal that they can bring more guests Saturday to the wedding/reception (our side is paying for the wedding and his is paying for the night before).

If your family is small, maybe you can invite some of your closest friends to even the crowd out a little more?  I suppose it depends on who is paying for the rehearsal dinner because that person essentially gets to call the shots.  I think maybe if you want your side to be more included, invite more friends- they can add fun to the crowd and no one will feel out of place

DFWIndian

It is typical to have more then just "immediate" family at the rehearsal dinner. I consider immediate family my first cousins as well. I would take the advice of the girls and do two dinners or not do one at all. We are having a ton of family at the rehearsal. It will probably be close to 100 people almost at the rehearsal. Unfortuately, this will be something you will have to deal with all your married life.

christyhal

We are having 40 people at the rehearsal dinner and only 90 at the wedding...basically everyone in his family who travelled to the wedding is also coming to the RD.  I invited my local family and some friends to even things out a bit!

rkmoore80

I had pretty much this exact same issue.  We didn't have a sangeet, so I think my mother in law wanted to have the rehersal dinner act as a substitute and intended to invite everyone that was invited to the wedding.  My own mom didn't like the idea because it was non-traditional, but moreso she didn't want guests from our side to feel obliged to set aside two nights for the wedding.  Anyway, at the end of the day, it was the in-laws paing for the rehersal, so we let them invite everyone from their side, and we informally let out of town guests from our side know that it was happening if we knew they would be in town the night before so it would be a little more even.  Yeah, it was still a bit lopsided, but I don't think anyone felt out of place and it ended up being really fun.  What DFWIndian says is exactly right, the nuclear family concept doesn't seem to exist in the Indian culture.  I think it's best to just roll with it - better to have a lifetime of big lopsided family parties than arguments about them.